Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
The paternity tests broke my heart.
I feel like I have been living in limbo for so long now. I have asked him to go to counseling and he said that he doesn't need help figuring anything out (all his degrees are in Social Work~go figure!)
I went for a while by myself but it is hard when you feel like you are trying to work on things and you are working with a brick wall, which is what he has put up between us.
Thing is, I understand having trust issues with someone when they have lied to you and I know I kept it from him for a very long time, but I haven't been with another man since I was 19 yo and I am 39!
I am physically and emotionally exhausted but I am not a big believer in divorce, never even pictured it as part of my life.
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
Sometimes a person who has cheated is more defensive about a possible cheating aspect in their spouse. I know that some people who cheat will accuse their spouse of cheating out of guilt. I’m not saying that your husband is cheating, not at all, but given the one instance that he did (even though he thinks he didn’t) it could be that he’s not forgiven himself for that and it manifests itself by taking it out on you for what he sees as a major lie. Being that he has degrees for social work it’s just silly that he thinks he couldn’t possibly need outside help but I suppose it can be hard to be objective when dealing with himself.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things to earn his trust back. How long ago was it that you attended counseling by yourself? What did the counselor tell you as far as his behavior regarding the lie?
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
I went to counseling for about 2 years off and on and haven't been back in almost a year. Honestly, she was completely baffled by all the things I told her and finally told me I was young enough to find love again.
The thing is, I wasn't looking for a way out; I really wanted to figure it out and try to make it better. Now I realize I cannot do that on my own.
I would be fine financially if we split up. I would just be full of regret I guess. I am not a big believer in divorce and I just keep hoping that one day it will hit him like a ton of bricks that he is wrong. It is very hard to be told time after time that "I can't talk to somebody who lies to me in my face" when you are not lying at all!!!
Also, I cannot even begin to think about the possibility that he would try to get custody of the boys. I AM SURE that he would and that would just kill me. I cannot think of a single reason that he could take them from me based on my credibility as a mother but even the slight chance scares me to death.
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
Brownie,
No counseling for you as a couple? It great that you looked into yourself individually, but perhaps counseling as a couple.
Since you have children, divorce make things so complicated. Why would he even have a possibility of full custody? Now days, if both parents are fit, there is joint custody. The court really does try to do what is right for the children (usually).
There are some deep rooted issues that your husband has....try the counseling route and see if things can come out into the open.
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
I have asked him to go to counseling many times but he refuses. His mind seems to be set.
The kids will be devastated and while I feel anxious all day everyday, my main focus has to be on them.
I really just wish that he could see past the past and realize that is not who I am and haven't been that person for a very long time. I LOVE HIM AND HE KNOWS IT! Last time I told him, he said that I should show it instead of just saying it. SHow it by being honest about being with other people when I have not been!!!!
I told him that the most hurtful thing is that he doesn't realize that I would do anything to keep him from leaving and breaking the boys' hearts but that there isn't anything I can do because there isn't anymore to tell him. Is he stubborn, wounded, or just plain unhappy with me?!?!
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
Quote:
Originally Posted by iwantmylifeback
Your husband sounds like a petty jerk who is just using this BS ancient history against you as an excuse to get out of the marriage. I suspect he has other reasons but they are hidden behind YOUR horrible cheating. Give me a break.
sounds like your H is hiding something and he's using this as an excuse to get out.
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
My situation was a bit reversed, my husband and I met when i was 16 and he was 19. I was the 16 year old virgin who believed every lie that came out of his mouth about his sexual past. He continued to lie and hide his extra sexual activities even during marriage. Finally 6 years into our relationship and 2 babies later he decided to unload the bombshell on me. What started as "I lied about sleeping with 1 girl" turned into an entire 7 years of lies he has kept from me. I feel completely betrayed. I feel like I can't believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth. It may be wrong but it feels like when someone lies to save themself they are denying the other person their own choice. I would NEVER would have been with my husband IF I had known the truth of his past. Which would have saved me all the pain I am feeling now. So I feel for your husband because in my opinion without trust the marriage is kind of destroyed. I also feel bad for you because it feels pretty hopeless I am sure to try to get someone to trust you again. Either way it is a loss for everyone including children when people lie for selfish reasons.
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
chozengel~ I totally get what you are saying, however I am not trying to run away from the fact that I lied. I lied about being with one person prior to our relationship. SOunds like your husband was cheating on you. I haven't cheated on my husband. We have been together close to 20 years and he is the only man I have been with during our relationship. I believe there is a difference.
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
I couldn't agree more! Sounds like he is making lame excuses - VERY LAME! You barely knew him when it happened, weren't married or even exclusively dating. So what? I even get why you lied about it. People always think they want to know, but they don't. And what good comes from it anyway?! I know my husband and I didn't discuss our previous relationships and sex lives - neither of us wanted to even hear about that!! We knew we had been with other people prior to meeting, but never felt the need to delve into details!
There is definitely more to it than he is letting on. I'd ask him for a heart-to-heart. Could be his own guilt from 17 years ago, but I doubt it. When did this mistrust all start? After you told him - 7 years ago?? And he can't get past that already? You should tell him you only finally confessed to it because he was wearing you down, but you lied mainly to spare his pride and feelings. Not that lying is a good idea, but this wasn't even a betrayal! There was good reason to lie!
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
My guess is that he too has a secret. Now that you've told him, he has to face the fact that he lied first.
Could you perhaps forgive him as a preemptive strike?
Regardless, what he's doing is cruel and IMO, abusive. It certainly isn't loving.
BTW, if you were broken up, it wasn't cheating.
Insist on going to counseling with him. Tell him he has no choice if he wants the marriage to continue. If not, fill out the apartment application for him.
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
For crying out loud, you weren't even exclusive then... you were... 19!!!! This is a petty excuse, he's just looking for ammunition, anyone who doesn't have an axe to grind would be able to overlook something that happened SO long ago (when you weren't even exclusively dating!!!). Sheez. The fact that he kept asking you over and over bringing it up again, shows he was trying to find something to get upset about.
This is not the issue. It's a red herring. I don't care whether you lied or not, that was 7 years ago you admitted the truth anyway. The issue is, he's looking for an out, or an excuse to cheat on his own.
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
I have to say I agree that your H is using this as a sad EXCUSE. Personally, especially since this could end in divorce, I would start being EXTRA attentive to his actions. Are all of his email accounts open to your view? How about computer history? Text messages? Something is going on here...
My therapist told me that the majority of people who decide to leave their spouses cope with the situation by finding 'someone else'. Do your homework on him. I may be COMPLETELY wrong, but I think it is best to be prepared.
When my H and I were first dating he was seeing another woman. He swore to me nothing physical happened, but she told me something (at the time) that proves to me she WAS physical with him. We have been married for 9 years. I never asked him until last year...I told him I 'knew' about the 2 of them. He said WHAT and he told me I was CRAZY! I dropped it. I would never consider that cheating because we weren't exclusive at that point.
I totally understand your situation and I think your DH is off his rocker! Sure, it may get to his pride, but come on! You have been married for so long! Why is he doing this? I think you need to look further...
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love?
Thanks for the recent feedback. Sometimes I wish it were as simple as him hiding something from me. I don't know if it would be easier for me to deal with, but it might allow me to get pissed off enough to do something. He is so adament about saying he KNOWS something else has happened. Well, I know that is impossible since nothing ever happened. Next month will be 20 years since I have even been touched by another man.
I know this~ I have been trying for 7 years to tell him he is wrong, to no avail. He gets me to the point of such frustration that I have told him to leave, that I want a divorce, that he needs to go find himself another woman with no children (because he says he would never raise another man's child AND because I told him that he won't get my kids (OURS). I have always been a really happy person and this has me so depressed all the time. I decided I couldn't go on like this, so I am turning it over to GOd. I am on the second day of LOVE DARE. I just finished How to Save Your Marriage Alone.
Re: when do you know it's over, even when you are still in love? 
