My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. We have a 3 year old and 10 month old. Our life was great until shortly after our second baby was born. We were both so overwhelmed with the two kids and lost sight of each other. I guess I thought this was normal and our happy life would return once we got over the sleepless nights and constant neediness that comes with a new baby.
My husband apparently felt different. In August 07 he told me that he felt I didn't even care if he was here or not and he was really hurt by my neglect. I bought some books, we talked through it and everything was better - or so I thought. Then in December he brought it up again. This time, he said he was no longer angry just completely indifferent to me and didn't love me anymore. It was the "I love you, I'm just not in love with you" speech. He said he'd try counseling after the holidays. In the meantime, I read books, did some searching online and came up with some ideas for us to try. Again, life got a little better. He told me he loved me and wouldn't leave me or the kids and things were good. The counseling kind of went out the window here.
Unfortunately, we had the conversation again yesterday. This time, I have made appointments with two different counselors (hopefully, we'll click with one) and we're going in next week.
The problem is that although he says he'll go, he doesn't believe it will work. I am so afraid that if he goes into it with that idea, it won't work. We have SO much to lose. I really still believe that our relationship can be good again if we're both committed to working at it. I love him so much and so do my kids!!! How do I convince him to be more open-minded and give us the real chance we deserve?
The first thing I would suggest is to make sure to have open and honest communication with him. Chances are he might feel it is too little to late. He has to understand that you can always reinvest into something. However, I would suggest you read many other thread, most people (and even higher percentage of women) once it gets to a point they give up.
I think you both need a little empathy, to walk in each other's shoes for a while. Of course he felt neglected, I'm sure most new fathers do. But he should also see your position. A baby MUST be the centre of its mother's life if it is to survive and thrive. I think he is being a little self-centred here. As you say, you have so much to lose so hopefully a counselor will be able to get him to see it.
It sounds a lot like he's depressed. I think there is so much empasis on post-pardom (sp) depression with women, that sometimes we forget about the adjustment men also need to make. The feeling of being indifferent is what sort of makes me feel that he might be depressed a little. Changes in life, whether they are good or not so good can have an effect on us. Change is stressful and stress can contribute to depression. (I went to counseling for over 3 years and have been on Effexor for about 7 years now. My couselor and my doctor told me that my life needs to be on an even keel before I start weening off of it....the stress from positivie changes could throw me back into deep depression and I would be back at square 1. Just telling you this so you know I'm not just making stuff up that sounds good...or bad.)
However, if he doesn't put the effort into the counseling or the relationship, it will fail. Counseling is hard work, you can't expect the counselor to "fix" anything, they give you the tools you need to fix things within yourself. They offer different perspectives and insight, but they can't fix anything.
<now I'm babbling, but it's my observation:>
From the men I've encountered in my life, men need a lot of attention from the woman they love, and sometimes they lose sight of other things in our lives. A woman's heart is an amazing thing and sometimes it is hard for men to understand that there is room enough in that heart to love many different people - kids, parents, sibliings - and still have just as much love for them as we did before.
They tend not to want to share us with other people in our lives and sometimes resent the people and the time we spend away from them.
My heart goes out to you and I hope that he will see what he has and decide it's worth working for. He's got to fight his way back from indifference and feel what's inside.
Good luck to you. I hope he is willing to put in the effort. I'm going through similar with my husband, however he is now willing to put in any effort. He is ready for divorce. It is killing me and our 6 yr old son.
I would suggest you give it a try. You do have much to loose not to. One thing I learned is that you do need to feed and take care of your relationship with your partner. This is very difficult with work, kids and every day life. It is very hard...best wishes!
Ya i think both of you have to tackle this relation after all your husband dont want to copeup with you so you have to take load of this condition try to give / show some more love towards either mentally / physically so i think you can understand me or i am not able to suggest you properly
I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if your relationship with your husband has been put on the back burner while you were busy dealing with your babies. Men crave attention and love, and when that attention and love is being spent on the children and not on him he will start to feel neglected. If he already says he's not in love with you he has let his feelings go on way too long without communicating them to you. It really takes effort from both of you to keep the love and romance alive. I know it can be hard to juggle work, kids, housework and a loving relationship but it can be done. I really hope he can give counseling a shot - it really can be worth the effort. Good luck to you.
I understand your concern and I do believe that the attitude you both bring to counseling will determine if it is going to bring you together again or if you are simply wasting your time and money.
For counseling to work you both need to decide what you hope to achieve and whether your expectations are similar. You both need to participate completely in counseling and open your minds to learning something new. Unless you are both honest about your attitude to counseling and what you hope to achieve, it is unlikely to help.
Counseling is not about hoping your partner will change. It is not about one being right and the other wrong. To enter counseling believing your partner needs to change is counter-productive to the process.
You are both part of the marriage and you both need to allow the counseling to help you learn and grow.
Wow, I'm so sorry, that must be so hard. I really hate how "divorce" seems to be such an easy word to throw around. It can be so hurtful. It should always be last resort.
I wouldn't worry too much about his attitude going into counseling. I see it as a man's general attitude in going to the doctor, Ugh! Since you guys have tried different things and they haven't helped, he's discouraged in thinking this might work. Don't badger him about it. He's willing to go which is the important thing.
Think of it as, the things you've tried already were like taking a vitamin for your marriage and now you realize you need antibiotics! Keep your chin up and have faith that you will work it out. You're not alone, several families go through this, and they make it. You will too. Best wishes.
Take what he said at face-value. He feels that he is not in love with you. That is a serious comment to make. Without trust and love a marriage will be a lie. You sound like a sweet person, and you are wasting time with someone who is mistreating you. No on deserves to be manipulated or be played around with by someone using mind games. Build your self-esteem through counseling and an support system and let him free so you can see past what you and him used to be.
Hi. I'm brand new here but your story hit so close to home. my husband has been telling me the same thing for the last week. he says he is willing to work things out but that he is no longer in love with me. my problem is i can't let go. i love him more than anything so i know what you're going thru. i feel for you and want u to know u are not alone and i am thinkikng about u. contact me if you would like to talk.
Giving up on 8 years of marriage is sad..i know how difficult it is when you are going through thick and thin when you had such wonderful happy memories and specially when you love him and have children with him..I have been going through a hard time lately too and i can understand your pain...
You have to be positive and talk things through,like everyone says lines of communication are very important and you must go somewhere to a place apart from your home sit together and talk things through alone...forget about the world and try patch things up and start thinking of the children too how difficult it will be for them to cope living apart from one of the parent....
Tell him to be positive and think positive and stop feeling what he is feeling...we all go through this phase when we stop loving or maybe our feelings fade due to stress but doesnt mean we dont love eachother...
Maybe you need to relight your lives and have couple time together every week away from the children to feel eachother back...
The biggest mistake all of us to is when a new born arrives we forget our partners and thats not right for it creates a distance such as whats happened...
Why dont you start dressing up and surprise him at home you never know the spark might create the fire to lite up your loves again...
Its never too late..energy flows where attention goes...And goodluck...