My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.
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Old 03-16-2013, 05:31 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

I thought we would survive. I was hopeful. But I am nothing but a liar and a phony according to my wife.
So I come home yesterday from work I start repairing the banister her mother broke while at the house. I put my phone down and she grabs it while I am fixing the banister. I am home a whole 5 minutes and she tells me I am erasing my history on my phone again. Obviously she has a key logger of some sort on my phone cause I was home literally 5 minutes. I am furious cause I just walked in the door. We yell and scream at each other. I leave cause I know this isn't going to end well.
I sit in my car for two hours clearing my head. Thinking maybe she calmed down. I come home. I try and ignore her so not to fight. Makes it worse. My boys are still up and I don't want them to see us fight. I have been honest with her in the past and she has used it against me and made it about her. So I deny. Bad move. Yes I deleted something off my phone. Something so mundane that's I was stupid to. But honestly I don't know whats appropriate or what's not anymore with this woman. It was a video of the actress from Modern Family doing a photoshoot years ago, no nudity. I knew right away if she sees this she is going to have a fit. It would lead to a blow out. So I erased it. I promised never to erase anything. I did. To protect me from her wrath and her from herself. She knew everything anyway. This leads to our worst fight. I leave again then come home she wants to fight. This goes on from 3:30pm till 2:30am. She finally says she wants a separation I said ok. Thinking everything is over she starts throwing all my clothes out of the drawers, screaming and waking the kids. Mind you she has to leave for work in 3 hours. Things escalate and I grab her to stop and we are now wrestling in the bedroom. I leave again and come home to her passed out in the bedroom.
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Old 03-16-2013, 05:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

Now let me explain some of this behavior. We are married ten years. 6 were sort of good. Sexless on her end but no real fighting. She wanted to go to school a year or two after getting married. She worked and went to school part time to become a nurse. I supported her. Did everything, clothes, cleaning, food shopping, paid the bills,you name it I did it. She didn't have to come home and lift a finger. I would call her at work sometimes and beg her at 10 pm on a Friday to come home. Work and school came before me. I basically allowed her to push us into a sexless marriage over the course of 4 years. She stopped taking care of herself, no showering for many days at a time. But I loved her. I figured when all this is done we would get back on track. I always looked at porn throughout my life. While I tried to keep it a secret the signs were there. FHM and Maxim magazines everywhere while we dated. Howard Stern on Deman, friends would joke about porn in front of her. She never told me this was a issue. We would even watch it sometimes while we dated. She never once said she had a problem with it.
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Old 03-16-2013, 05:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

Now she finishes school and wants to start a family. I say great. I get what I want, sex,intimacy and some affection, she wants a baby, so did I. We try for a few months, part of me feels that we are only having sex to make a baby. It felt robotic but I at least I am having relations with my wife. Sure enough she is pregnant and then sex totally stops. We go 9 months of no sex. I look at porn more and more. Smartphones make it all too easy. I then get swept up with Facebook. I look up everyone and anyone. Exes, girls from high school, middle school, you name I looked at it. Never ONCE did I contact anyone. My wife knows no of this. She is busy with the kid. She claims I don't pay attention to her and dont help with the baby. That I am always playing with my phone. I tell I have nothing to hide. I never used to erase anything. I really didn't think at the time I did anything wrong. So we get pregnant again right away with our second son. Again 9 months and no sex. I look at porn. I look at Facebook. But this time from the 3rd moth to 9th month my wife is snooping on my phone every night without my knowledge.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

She sees the porn, she sees the looking up exes on Facebook. What she never found or was any evidence of me contacting another woman. If I was up to something she would have found it. These 6 months of seeing a man whom she loved look at these things destroyed her. Her self esteem destroyed, her insecurities ruined. I never had a clue until 2 months after our second son was born. Lot of fighting, lots of days going to work with no sleep. I started putting passwords on my phone. Deleting my history. I felt she invading my privacy. Growing up being the youngest of six in a very dis functional home you learn how to hide things. I thought I could but my wife has always been one step ahead of me. Makes believe she has a key logger on my phone. Went to MC for 6 months. Things would get better. I would take the lock off my phone and she would continue to look every night. I began to feel like I was a child and my wife my mother. I quit the porn and the Facebook. But I still have the urge to look. When I tell my wife this, she gets hurt and accuses me that I am fantasing about porn stars and she makes it about her. I explain I am trying to be honest with her but it back fires on me.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

Looking on your phone is not snooping. Both my husband and I have access to phone and computer at all times. We literally have nothing to hide and can view any text at any given time.

I know what your wife is doing is wrong(not the transparency with computer/phone), but if my h looked up his exes I'd be completely crushed to the max. There is absolutely no reason to look at ex relationships and wonder what could of been. Looking at strange women is different then looking at exes, there is zero emotional connection. You definitely are being sexually repressed by her which is wrong.

Your marriage did not sound good right from the start. There are many many resentments that are held between the both of you. You both need to reconnect if possible for the marriage to work. You won't last long down this path as you well know.

Have you thought about seeking marriage counseling? Has your wife even attempted to work on the marriage or is it you trying to please her? It sounds like you both need MC and IC.

I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

We continue with MC for only a short time more. We don't have anyone to watch our boys and we can't keep bringing them to our sessions. We stop and my wife fiinds a job and goes back to work. I tell her I looked at a Cinamax movie while she is at work, she spends 6 hours asking me to explain how that is different from watching hardcore porn. I don't want to open up anymore. I feel if I am honest I am screwed, if I lie I am screwed. I can't be myself.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

I do feel sexually repressed. Even though through this my wife and our sex life got 10x better. She realized I was looking at porn as a outlet. I would never chose porn over my wife. Now that we have sex regularly I don't need it. But I still see a beautiful image of a woman and want to look. But I know if she sees it will lead to a fight. So I get caught do we get into a argument over a picture I looked at or do I cover my tracks and erase. I erased. There is no more porn or Facebook.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

I don't want to do this dance anymore with her. I am tired of walking on eggshells. Tired of feeling I am a horrible husband. I thinks it's best we end it. I made mistakes. But my wife has made some horrible choices also but I forgave her for them. She hasn't forgiven me and will never forgive me.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:28 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

She is working the next three days doing 12 hours days. I am thinking of going to a nearby hotel and staying there with my boys. Give her her space and me time with my boys.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

Quote:
Originally Posted by I'mInLoveWithMyHubby View Post
Looking on your phone is not snooping. Both my husband and I have access to phone and computer at all times. We literally have nothing to hide and can view any text at any given time.

I know what your wife is doing is wrong(not the transparency with computer/phone), but if my h looked up his exes I'd be completely crushed to the max. There is absolutely no reason to look at ex relationships and wonder what could of been. Looking at strange women is different then looking at exes, there is zero emotional connection. You definitely are being sexually repressed by her which is wrong.

Your marriage did not sound good right from the start. There are many many resentments that are held between the both of you. You both need to reconnect if possible for the marriage to work. You won't last long down this path as you well know.

Have you thought about seeking marriage counseling? Has your wife even attempted to work on the marriage or is it you trying to please her? It sounds like you both need MC and IC.

I wish you the best of luck.
She admitted that she looked up a ex also. But her reasons were more noble than mine. He was in the military and she wanted to know if he was alive. First it was one time, then it was twice. I assume it was way more. I don't really know cause I never looked through her phone or Internet history.
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Old 03-16-2013, 08:48 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

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She admitted that she looked up a ex also. But her reasons were more noble than mine. He was in the military and she wanted to know if he was alive. First it was one time, then it was twice. I assume it was way more. I don't really know cause I never looked through her phone or Internet history.
How long ago was this? Maybe she is projecting? Maybe she never stopped talking to him. I think you need to find out.
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Old 03-16-2013, 08:49 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

No I don't think so. She said she never contacted him. Just googled him.
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Old 03-16-2013, 08:55 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

Dude, you need to call her out and stop apologizing for things you do that are not wrong. There's nothing inherently wrong with looking at an ex girlfriend's profile on Facebook. If you were inappropriately speaking with her or obessing over her that would be a problem, but you didn't do that. Stop giving her the fuel to power her negative feedback loop.
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Old 03-16-2013, 09:03 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

For her now its about deleting certain things. She couldn't give a honest answer if it was still on the phone she wouldn't have flipped. It wasn't even porn.
The Facebook thing is gone for a year and half. I was impulsive on there I would at a couple people from my past over and over. Obsessing I don't know. Curious how there life turned out...yes. No intent to contact and leave my wife for. But I was definitely wrong for it.
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Old 03-16-2013, 09:04 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is over. After last night there is no hope.

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No I don't think so. She said she never contacted him. Just googled him.
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That is what she said. Obviously she was VERY interested in finding this guy if she was searching for him more than once. And if she has ill intentions, she is not going to tell you if she found him and they are talking. I'm only telling you this so that you can look at your situation from another view.
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