Looks like I am a two time loser.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » Looks like I am a two time loser.

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 03-16-2013, 06:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Looks like I am a two time loser.

I didn't know how to start, so I'm just jumped in. I ended up cutting a lot out for the sake of (wait for itÖ) brevity. I hope it still makes sense to someone.

My H (let's just call him Rob) and I have been married for 8 years. We have two children. Neither of us has any substance abuse problems. Neither of us has had/is having EA or PA. We don't hit each other or throw things. Generally, we don't yell or scream, either, although lately I find myself turning up the volume when I (not we) argue, and I do not like it.

Rob had an accident some years ago that left him disabled. It occurred almost three years before I met him. He cannot work and "bulking up" is not an option for him. I mention this because I expect someone will recommend MMSLP or something similar, and though I havenít read it I get the impression that thereís a lot of the emphasis on making money and working out that might be more harmful than helpful. I am happy to work, and I've never swooned over guys who look like they spend their lives in the gym, so these are non-issues for me. I will admit that after eight years I think we could both stand to lose some weight.

When I met Rob, I wasn't looking for a LTR. He really swept me off my feet, though. I admired his vitality and respected his positive attitude. I found him to be funny and smart as well as talented. He was sweet and affectionate towards me but also sexually aggressive. He was awesome with my son (from my first marriage). In short, Rob seemed to have a perfect mix of Alpha and Beta traits, and when he asked me to marry him I happily said yes. After we got married, things started to go downhill.

I am very practical, and the way I see it, we need to take control of our own future and play the cards we've been dealt. Taking care of things on the domestic front and caring for our kids is a huge contribution to our family's well-being. I thought I could go to work knowing that "Rob's got this." But Rob didnít have this. He would sit and play video games until about 1/2 hour before I came home and then scramble to get a few things halfway done. If I asked about it, he always had some lame reason for why it didn't get all the way done. (I'm sure he thought it sounded like some perfectly reasonable reason that any reasonable person would find perfectly reasonable.) He seemed unable to make any kind of decision without calling me first to ask what he should do. He would do seriously stupid sh!t like forget to pay his car registration, lose his license, and instead of taking care of it, drive w/o said license, get pulled over, and have the car impounded. (True story.)

Rob also stopped being aggressive sexually. The sex thing is very hard for me. I like sexually aggressive men. I have no problem initiating, but I loved it when he would grope me in the kitchen when the kids aren't looking or kiss me passionately in the middle of an otherwise uneventful Sunday afternoon just because. I loved it when he'd wake me at 5 AM to tell me he wanted to fvck. All of that stopped, though, and even though we still had sex, mostly at my initiation, I felt unwanted and unattractive. After a while I stopped caring about my looks.

I tried talking to Rob about this, too. I got apologies. I got promises that he would "try" and stories about how he was treated by exes from long ago and how it affected him. Itís hard for me to commit this to print, but I do find his submissiveness repulsive. As it stands, he almost never initiates, and I rarely want to anymore. We are now at a point where we have sex every 1-2 months.

You know the rest of this story: First I became a nag. Then I became a b!tch. At this point I hate myself, and I am so, so, so sad.

I miss my husband. Not for the first time I went to him and told him that we have a serious problem, and if we want to continue to be married then we need to do something about it. This time I was armed: I showed him a website with information for a counselor. I told him please look at it and let me know if you are willing to do this. He said he would. He got right to looking through the information, and I really thought he would come and say, ďOk. Letís do this,Ē because he says he loves me. He swears he does. But he didnít come back to talk to me. He didnít say anything at all.

A night and a day and another night passed. In the wee hours, I was lying on the couch in the dark. Iíd been there for some time, just thinking. He came out and asked me if I would like to go and lie down next to him. I sort of held my breath for a moment. I donít know what I was waiting for, exactly, just something moreÖ decisive? Nothing. He just hovered there above me in the dark. I turned away. He went back to the bedroom. And then I knew that I couldnít do this anymore. I got up and went to the bedroom and told him I want a divorce. He started apologizing again. I walked away.

He could still do something. Really, I just want him to take *some* responsibility for this relationship. I feel that he has completely abdicated, and everything is up to me.

He could help me save this. But he wonít. It is simply not our reality.
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Old 03-16-2013, 07:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Looks like I am a two time loser.

he is a procrastanator....not sure if i spelled that right but im sure you get it. he seems to really love you, but lacks interest in acting on it. its odd that his sexual aggressivness has went down hill. he could be having other problems. maybe you should sit him down and find out whats going on. maybe he has erectile disfunction. and he doesnt want to say anything to you about it. but whatever the reason. if you love him then dont push him away. ive read to many post on here where people where saying they pushed and now they regret it and if they could only take it back. so be careful. because some things you cant fix. good luck on your situation. oh and on another note he could be feeling emasculated from not being able to provide as well. sorry just had to put that in there.
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Old 03-16-2013, 07:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Looks like I am a two time loser.

Thanks for your reply.

Quote:
he seems to really love you, but lacks interest in acting on it.
I don't know that he necessarily lacks interest in acting so much as he just doesn't believe I would actually leave him.

Quote:
maybe he has erectile disfunction.
No, but there are times when his pain simply gets in the way. When that happens we can find ways to work around it. He's actually quite inventive, and so am I.

The reason he generally gives for not initiating is a fear of rejection inculcated in him by old exes. I'm not sure what more I can do to convince him that I really, really, really want him to hit on me and that he is so going to get some if he does. Sometimes I think he's just gotten used to playing the victim.

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if you love him then dont push him away. ive read to many post on here where people where saying they pushed and now they regret it and if they could only take it back. so be careful.
I agree, but then again...

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some things you cant fix.
I'm just trying to determine if this is one of those things.

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he could be feeling emasculated from not being able to provide as well.
Oh, without a doubt. The questions, then, are: What is he going to do about it? How does he reclaim his manhood? Is this something I can help him with? If so, how? But nothing is going to change if he is unwilling to do anything about it. I can't do it FOR him.
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Old 03-16-2013, 08:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Looks like I am a two time loser.

For Pete's sake, don't call yourself 'Bad'.

I think that you make a mistake about all that MMSLP is to a man. It's not all about bulking up or making money. It's about him being more than enough for you, that is why it works.

If you would entertain the obvious. I see a dynamic here. Tell me if I'm wrong? He fails at your expectations. You point that out. He agrees. You wait for change. He feels inept so why try (I'll just fail or I'll just disappoint her). Change doesn't come. You add this inaction to the list of things he doesn't do and resent him even more. And a round and a round you go, till one of you gets enough resentment to get off the merry go round.

As for the sex as a separate issue? I don't think so. Would you want to have sex with someone who you feel is disappointed in you? You may even seem to be very mother like to him.

Back to the ideas presented in MMSLP. He needs to become the 'MAN' again, not for you but for himself. He needs to find that confidence in himself again. To not be fearful that when you walk in the door that you'll be disappointed. To know he can take you and you'll respond to the man he is. To be obvious again, wouldn't that give you your husband back?

He's become a 'Nice Guy'. Lost himself. And to be obvious a third time, not that your wrong about him not stepping up to the plate, your displays of resentment are pushing him the other way. Here's an example, thinking that telling a fat person they need to lose weight helps them to lose weight. Since they obviously already know their fat, it only insults them, lowers their self esteem and makes them retreat from the problem even more.

I don't know if you've thrown the towel in, but since you came here you may have hope. Here take a look at this site and book, see if it these type of behaviors apply to him. I see many of the traits in you descriptions of him in the nice guy syndrome (low self esteem, procrastination, co dependence, lying to please others, ect.) Take the test for him or ask him to do it. I hope it helps some. There's a forum there too, with a wives section.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf
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Last edited by anchorwatch; 03-16-2013 at 09:25 AM.
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Old 03-16-2013, 08:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Looks like I am a two time loser.

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Originally Posted by Bad_Wife! View Post
Oh, without a doubt. The questions, then, are: What is he going to do about it? How does he reclaim his manhood? Is this something I can help him with? If so, how? But nothing is going to change if he is unwilling to do anything about it. I can't do it FOR him.
You can't do it for him! But you can create an environment where he can come back into his own. Have you read "Love Busters"

Love Busters
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Old 03-16-2013, 09:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Looks like I am a two time loser.

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You can't do it for him! But you can create an environment where he can come back into his own.
I really want this for him. More than anyone I have ever known, he deserves to feel good, confident, and happy with himself. And, yes, I very much want my husband back.

I haven't read Love Busters, but I will. In the meantime, I'll ask him if he will take the test you recommended.

Thanks, anchorman. I needed an outside, objective view devoid of bullsh!t.
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Old 03-16-2013, 10:01 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Looks like I am a two time loser.

Another question, if I may. Does he have male freinds that he speaks with or has activities with? Any hobbies outside of the house? Is he always in the house as a SAHD?
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Old 03-18-2013, 04:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Looks like I am a two time loser.

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Another question, if I may. Does he have male freinds that he speaks with or has activities with? Any hobbies outside of the house? Is he always in the house as a SAHD?
My H is a talented musician. He gets together with his band for rehearsals, and they are working on putting some shows together in the near future. That said, practices and rehearsals are not as frequent as he would like, and I agree that more time away from home (at least one day a week) would be good for him.

Aside from that, he tries to dedicate a certain amount of time each day to recording, and actually this is something he's gotten decidedly better about. He really is talented, and he would say he wanted to try and make something out of his music, but then he wouldn't really do anything about it. I bought him books and pulled together a bunch of online resources from him and encouraged him to get himself out there, and he would seem interested, but then... nothing. It makes me happy to see him purposefully setting aside time every day to work on what he loves.
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Old 03-18-2013, 04:28 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Looks like I am a two time loser.

BTW, I asked him if he would take the NMMNG quiz. I told him that the most important thing was to answer honestly, so sharing individual answers with me was out. I did ask him to share his final tally with me. He ended up with a score of 47 (34 Ė 50: You have some Nice Guy tendencies).

I asked him to take a look at the pdf you linked to. He read part of it and said that he recognized himself in some of the things being discussed. My H is a notoriously slow reader, so it may take some time for him to get through it. I have solemnly sworn to myself that I will NOT nag him about it. This is hard because I find myself in a very emotionally vulnerable state right now, but if there's a chance to make this work, then I want to take it.
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