Looks like I am a two time loser.
I didn't know how to start, so I'm just jumped in. I ended up cutting a lot out for the sake of (wait for it…) brevity. I hope it still makes sense to someone.
My H (let's just call him Rob) and I have been married for 8 years. We have two children. Neither of us has any substance abuse problems. Neither of us has had/is having EA or PA. We don't hit each other or throw things. Generally, we don't yell or scream, either, although lately I find myself turning up the volume when I (not we) argue, and I do not like it.
Rob had an accident some years ago that left him disabled. It occurred almost three years before I met him. He cannot work and "bulking up" is not an option for him. I mention this because I expect someone will recommend MMSLP or something similar, and though I haven’t read it I get the impression that there’s a lot of the emphasis on making money and working out that might be more harmful than helpful. I am happy to work, and I've never swooned over guys who look like they spend their lives in the gym, so these are non-issues for me. I will admit that after eight years I think we could both stand to lose some weight.
When I met Rob, I wasn't looking for a LTR. He really swept me off my feet, though. I admired his vitality and respected his positive attitude. I found him to be funny and smart as well as talented. He was sweet and affectionate towards me but also sexually aggressive. He was awesome with my son (from my first marriage). In short, Rob seemed to have a perfect mix of Alpha and Beta traits, and when he asked me to marry him I happily said yes. After we got married, things started to go downhill.
I am very practical, and the way I see it, we need to take control of our own future and play the cards we've been dealt. Taking care of things on the domestic front and caring for our kids is a huge contribution to our family's well-being. I thought I could go to work knowing that "Rob's got this." But Rob didn’t have this. He would sit and play video games until about 1/2 hour before I came home and then scramble to get a few things halfway done. If I asked about it, he always had some lame reason for why it didn't get all the way done. (I'm sure he thought it sounded like some perfectly reasonable reason that any reasonable person would find perfectly reasonable.) He seemed unable to make any kind of decision without calling me first to ask what he should do. He would do seriously stupid sh!t like forget to pay his car registration, lose his license, and instead of taking care of it, drive w/o said license, get pulled over, and have the car impounded. (True story.)
Rob also stopped being aggressive sexually. The sex thing is very hard for me. I like sexually aggressive men. I have no problem initiating, but I loved it when he would grope me in the kitchen when the kids aren't looking or kiss me passionately in the middle of an otherwise uneventful Sunday afternoon just because. I loved it when he'd wake me at 5 AM to tell me he wanted to fvck. All of that stopped, though, and even though we still had sex, mostly at my initiation, I felt unwanted and unattractive. After a while I stopped caring about my looks.
I tried talking to Rob about this, too. I got apologies. I got promises that he would "try" and stories about how he was treated by exes from long ago and how it affected him. It’s hard for me to commit this to print, but I do find his submissiveness repulsive. As it stands, he almost never initiates, and I rarely want to anymore. We are now at a point where we have sex every 1-2 months.
You know the rest of this story: First I became a nag. Then I became a b!tch. At this point I hate myself, and I am so, so, so sad.
I miss my husband. Not for the first time I went to him and told him that we have a serious problem, and if we want to continue to be married then we need to do something about it. This time I was armed: I showed him a website with information for a counselor. I told him please look at it and let me know if you are willing to do this. He said he would. He got right to looking through the information, and I really thought he would come and say, “Ok. Let’s do this,” because he says he loves me. He swears he does. But he didn’t come back to talk to me. He didn’t say anything at all.
A night and a day and another night passed. In the wee hours, I was lying on the couch in the dark. I’d been there for some time, just thinking. He came out and asked me if I would like to go and lie down next to him. I sort of held my breath for a moment. I don’t know what I was waiting for, exactly, just something more… decisive? Nothing. He just hovered there above me in the dark. I turned away. He went back to the bedroom. And then I knew that I couldn’t do this anymore. I got up and went to the bedroom and told him I want a divorce. He started apologizing again. I walked away.
He could still do something. Really, I just want him to take *some* responsibility for this relationship. I feel that he has completely abdicated, and everything is up to me.
He could help me save this. But he won’t. It is simply not our reality.