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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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  • 1 Post By Lonely so long
  • 1 Post By ALWAYS TRYING
  • 1 Post By Goldfinch
  • 3 Post By Lonely so long

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Old 03-25-2013, 05:45 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default New here - name says it all

Hi, I have been lurking for some time and sad to see how many of us are in the same or very similar situations.
Seems that I am older than most of the posters - in early 50s and been married 30+ years.

Have been through so many issues with H, somehow we came through it all but the cracks in our marriage are so big that I don't think we can repair any more.
I don't want to hog the airways with my problems so just as a summary: got married very young, had a pretty equal marriage in the sense that we both worked, both supported our kids....

Things started going wrong about 15 years ago when my career took off, and his pretty much died on him.
His whole self identity is wrapped up in his lack of career success, and feeling inferior.

Infidelity issues followed, both of us.
We got over that crisis, and things seemed better for a while.
But then he slipped into a major depression and has been on AD medication for 2+ years now. I supported him through the whole thing.

Now he says he is not depressed, but he is almost disfunctional.
Sits for hours alone in front of the computer or TV, does not find joy in anything...He's like a grumpy old man. Pretty much no sex, no joy.

I feel so alone and lonely and just cannot take it any more.
He agrees and tells me that I should leave, as he cannot promise me any more than we have now, which is almost nothing. A shell of a marriage, a facade, and a whole load of sadness and loneliness.

I am an extrovert, passionate about life, want to enjoy work and life and love before I get to an age where it's really too late. I see that he is pulling me down into the black hole. He says the same and tells me he understands but doesn't think he can (wants to?) change.

We had a huge meltdown at the weekend and have agreed that we will separate this summer UNLESS he is able to turn things around and offer us a viable marriage. I have repeatedly asked him what I need to do, and he says nothing, it's all on him.
I feel completely drained, and helpless, as there is nothing else I can do but wait out these 3 months or so.

Part of me is optimistic that one way or another there will be change - either I move out and start to build a new life, or he miraculously (it WILL take a miracle) gets himself out of the funk and asks me to stay.

It's so so lonely as I am not discussing this with a living soul. He is in therapy but I am not. I have great GFs but don't want to discuss it. This is so not new and I feel like I am "crying wolf" by constantly discussing my marriage problems.

Right now I just need to wait out the 3 months, and then if we do separate I will tell everyone as a done deal....

Just posting here in case anyone has any thoughts, advice, or even a hug would be nice!
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Old 03-25-2013, 06:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Heres a big HUG

We are the same in age and marriage years. But have other issues. I can be your sounding board. My first thought is both of you go to MC. both try hard to fix what is wrong. Him alone in therapy might help him but together is what is needed.

Also talk to that one GF who really understands the anguish of you trying all these years. I get the cry wolf thing. But try again with just one for now. Don't sit on your hands and wait the three months. Get busy today fixing what is wrong. Make a list of what is wrong what needs fixing and go down the list. Together.

Keep us posted. Lots more advice coming your way.
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Old 03-25-2013, 08:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks so much for replying, Always Trying
I feel that way too, that I've always been trying....

H doesn't want MC.
Says it won't help, he doesn't "believe" in therapy....
Only goes to IC because psychiatrist made it clear it's part of the deal to treat depression

Basically he seems to have given up and tells me to "leave him alone".
It's so not in my nature to give up.
I believe every issue can be fixed, maybe that's my problem, maybe I need to give up.

I've read about doing a 180 but don't seem to be able to leave him alone. I do think it's what's required right now though.

What's your situation????
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Old 03-25-2013, 08:30 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Another hug, lonely!

56yo here; left STBXH after 19years of marriage. Have not regretted it for ONE MINUTE! Am happy (truly HAPPY...something I hadn't been in years), feel like I'm accomplishing growth in my life, independent, looking forward to the next 20-30 years! I have QUIT stagnating and marking time....I am LIVING!

I'm not dating yet as I am working on my OWN issues. I am excited EVERY DAY when I wake up! I am setting/accomplishing goals, I feel involved in life, respected by others, interested in meeting new people, trying new things, filling my life with JOY.

Hope you can get there, too!

I've got a book you NEED to read....NOW! 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie (it's recommended here a lot at TAM). Get it, read it, do the work at the end of EACH chapter. You will be AMAZED at what you learn about yourself, how you can ACCEPT what you learn, how you can DEAL WITH/FIX what you learn about yourself.

Good luck!
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Slowly getting wiser, thank you!
I need to hear inspiring stories like yours!
Funny but that book rang a bell and I just found it right here on my shelf, so I am now going to read it and do the exercises.
I KNOW that we need to separate but it is SO hard to face the truth and do it....
Thanks again for sharing
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Old 03-30-2013, 09:55 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Well 5 days ago you were in despair. How goes it today? And your reading assignment? I also need to get off my ass and read that book. SGW has some great insight. Love everything I read from her. No matter what struggles your going through we can help each other see the light. My hubby is trying but I think it's a waste of time this time. Too many bridges burned and I don't trust him.

Lonely-- keep your chin up and moving forward. Hugs
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Old 03-30-2013, 03:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Lonely, I'm older too, I'm 52 and have been married 24 years, leaving my husband because of his gambling problems and the huge debt he has got us in. It is very difficult to live with someone who is clinically depressed, I can understand your angst and your dilemma. I am not particularly lonely because for the past year I have joined meetup groups and have met a lot of people with my interests, I also took a year long online course and met people in my area through that. I am very active in my little groups. And i am starting a business. But I don't have an intimate relationship, and I don't just mean sexually. Would I like to have someone in my life to talk to, to support and support me, to share things with? It sounds really good, but for now I am content with keeping myself busy.

I have been with my husband for half of my life, and it is terrifying to think of leaving and being on my own. But I know it is what I need to do.

Hope you are doing ok today.
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Old 03-30-2013, 03:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Goldfinch and Always Trying, thanks so much for your responses! Sad to know so many of us are in the same situation (.
I am actually doing well as I went away for a few days with my daughter and H is at home. He really got the message that things have to change big time, and he sounds quite a bit better over the phone. I am trying to detach as per the advice in the book on Codpendence and it is soooooo right.
I care so much about him and like Goldfinch it's so scary to think of splitting up, but I totally cannot live like this.
He finally gets it, I think, but time will tell once I get back!
We will try one more round of MC I think.
Thank you all for the support
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Old 03-30-2013, 04:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I was together with a wonderful men for 10 years. He was the most kind and supporting person. He supported me in anything. I have always been a free bird and don't like if somebody's has been to jealous or don't let me do being free in a relationship. I mean with that just being myself, travelling with friends etc. Only the last 2 years the passion has gone. I love sport and he doesn't do anything. He has got a a good job and his excuse is he has lots to at work and brain work would be enough. I have always looked at the inside of a person and did not fell in love because somebody looks good, but to my surprise it has changed. I met somebody else and we had something together. I felt great and bad at the same time. Bad because I felt I am cheating having something with another men after such a long time. But on the other hand I am still young beginning 30 and should not live like grandfather and grandmother. I told him and we separated, also because my mother in law was an unbearable person! But he wants me back and says he loves me..So, no the guy I met wants me to move to him to Greece. He hasn't stopped fighting for me since last year and my longterm relationship is somebody who has not much passion for fighting.. I am so confused I get on so well with the Greece guy, like nobody else I have done before. He is a soulmate, but my worries are he is very jealous and has not much money. I know money is not important, but the situation in Greece is very bad at the moment. What should I do? If I stay with the wonderful men I have been for 10 years, then I would have a wonderful rich life and don't need to worry about anything. Or Leave everything, because of passion, which sounds silly..but don't you think life is short and I should try it out? Many thanks for your reply, I am really curious what you say
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Old 03-31-2013, 08:38 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here - name says it all

Mariana: Welcome to TAM!

You need to start your OWN thread because people are on this thread to help Lonely So Long with HER problem. If people answer you, it takes the focus away from Lonely So Long.

Lonely So Long: Glad to see you are finding the book helpful. I would recommend you work ALL the questions in ALL the chapters BEFORE you go back to Marriage Counseling with your H.

I think working the entire book will give you a better insight into WHERE the problems lie in your marriage, what each of you is contributing to the problem, and will help you give better input to your marriage counselor!

Good luck and hope you're feeling better and more hopeful about your future (joint or single)!
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Old 04-10-2013, 08:01 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks to all who have provided input.
H and I are starting MC, which is a big deal.
I am starting to see where I have been at fault too, amazing really how I was blaming H totally and being very superior in terms of who is to blame.
A lot of work to do and no idea where we will end up.
The good news is that we both agree that the status quo cannot continue.
Thanks again for this forum which provides me a safe place to share and learn
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Old 04-10-2013, 09:36 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Yay for MC. Yes we all have done our share of wrong in our marriages. One person does not make it go down hill. But it's the choices we make when it goes down hill that defines us. Personal integrity. Some have lots some have none.

Glad to hear that he is willing, as well as yourself, to work on things. Keep moving forward lots of hard work for both of you.
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