Very unusual situation, considering divorce but it's super complicated.
I’m in my mid 30s and have been married 9 years to my wife who’s 30. We got married early when she was quite young. We have no kids, no mortgage, no shared commitments other than a marriage and a few cats. Since about the third year of marriage it became clear that we are not really sexually compatible, it’s just gone downhill every year and now it’s at the point where we’re just roommates, in fact for the last 2 years we haven’t even slept in the same room. In addition as time has gone on it’s become clear that we’ve grown in different directions, I’m active, like the outdoors, exercise a lot and keep in good shape. I have hobbies and interests that she doesn’t share at all. She just comes home from work and watches TV and literally does nothing else, even on her days off she just sleeps on the couch and watches TV, no hobbies, no interests, no activities and she has become more than a little overweight and she makes little to no effort to be attractive. She wants sex on her terms and on her schedule which doesn’t match my needs at all and so there is no passion between us and I am not really attracted to her physically any more at all.
For the last 2 years we’ve worked different hours, she runs a small business which barely breaks even, but she works long hours and weekends. She seems to feel this gives her the right to be mean, critical, unsupportive and uncaring. I work similarly long hours at regular M-F job, but one which does involve some time away from home on business trips but provides a good, well above average salary. When at home, I do all the housework, cleaning, washing, ironing, fixing things, feeding the pets, etc. She doesn’t cook and I don’t have time so I live off of take out food. The kicker is that while I didn’t know this when we started dating and didn’t factor into the marriage decision much beyond the ‘nice to have’ point, her family is pretty wealthy and while they don’t directly support us now in terms of income at all, a 7 figure inheritance is very likely at some point in the future. This is one factor I personally believe contributes to her general laziness and lack of work ethic. Another kicker is that we are an Asian/European couple living in Asia. We haven’t seen a professional marriage counselor since this type of service doesn’t really exist here as it does in the West, but we’ve had discussions and fights about this mismatch and bad situation in the past and I’ve made sincere efforts to improve things, but she hasn’t met me half way or even at all. On rare occasions we say we love each other, but I think on many levels the flame has gone out for her as well, I certainly still care about her and her about me probably, but nothing that would come close to love so I have been wondering about whether it is time to consider divorce for some time.
What really put things in a spin is recently through work I met a woman who is on the surface and as far as I have been able to see beneath it, the woman of my dreams and everything I've ever wanted in life. We aren’t colleagues and don’t need to interact for work, but we do cross paths professionally often by choice. We get along great and flirt on a light and innocent level, we have what I think is a clear mutual attraction and spend time together whenever possible, going out of our way to do so, including dinner together alone once or twice while on business trips. More and more I feel like I am falling in love with her. Absolutely nothing has happened beyond a really good friendship either physically or verbally, but there are clear signs that it could and that we are mutually attracted to each other. She knows that I am married and probably surmises things aren’t great but we haven’t discussed any details of my bad marriage. As if things weren’t complicated enough she is 10 years younger than me and though this doesn’t seem an issue to either of us, it's something to consider as a potential societal obstacle I guess.
The more I think about it, the more I believe it may be worth it to walk away from the failed relationship, my wife, our broken life together, the inheritance and everything else except the cats and take a chance on the new ‘friend’ . I am considering telling all of this to the new ‘friend’ but I will not cheat or do anything more than I already have while married, I do not want to put anyone in that position. I know full well that telling her this may very well scare the new ‘friend’ away by putting her in the position of being the one in the middle, even though I think on some 'perfect world' level she might be able to accept that. Of course I wonder if taking the chance and telling her about all of this is a mistake that will end things with the new 'friend' heartbreaking as that would be. I keep thinking that if I had some kind of confirmation that she really did feel the same, at least that she would be willing to try if I ended to marriage, that I would know it's the right decision and follow through. Selfishly I want that confirmation before I go ahead I guess, even though I can see it's petty and unfair. I can't help thinking it's such a pity I didn't meet the new 'friend' earlier, that things couldn't have worked out differently, she's amazing and deserves a better prince charming than me, much as I'd love to be him and for things to work between us. Then again, maybe I should play it 'safe' try again to fix things and hope somehow everything changes, though I can't see how it could from where I am now.
Heartfelt thanks for reading this and for any input or thoughts you may be able to offer.
Last edited by onthefencebutclose; 03-25-2013 at 07:32 AM.