williams92806

I 've been married 2 years now. And it's like our relationship is the same way before we got married. I moved in with her (big mistake) everything is still in her name I help pay bill in her house. But this is what kills me, she cant understand this. She makes almost 3 times what i bring home. We still have separate account which i have no problem with. But when we going to start something together. I've been married 2 years i dont even know what she bring home. It's Like she doesn't want to pull together, all her stuff is a secret, but she want know everything that go on with the money i make. So why are we married is my question. Then she has the nerve to say my problems aint her problem. If i run low on cash because i only get paid once a month. I have to ask her like i'm a kid. So tired of this. I can move out get my on place for this is going, she doesn't want this marriage to grow. But she claims she loves me so much. Because we could have stayed dating for this. Do you think it's something i'm doing or should i leave.

SageMother

It sounds like you are married to an Alpha Female. Did she make it clear that she would be the dominant party in the relationship?

sarahdale24

I would either work things out, and if she's not going to change then I would get out. There's other people who won't act like that and REALLY love you...I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship like that no matter how long we were married. I dont work, Im a stay at home wife yet my husband says and makes clear all the time that his money is OUR money, which is how it should be! I dont have to ask for money, because he understands we are married, seems shes not real clear on that yet.

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draconis

While I believe that you should be paying some of the bills you should not be paying all of them, specially if the house isn't in your name. I would communicate a set of ground rules that the both of you can live with.

draconis

williams92806

UPDATE: I tried and tired and it's still not working. My wife is helping her mother remodel her home which I think is good for her. But should I suffer? She is spendin over 10k to do this. but our marriage is suffering in my eyes. You got this to spend but when it comes to me you dont have extra money. I truly feel like im in this for nothing. I have do really bust my butt to make extra money for me if not I will go lacking. Oh did I mention we supposeto be married. Thinking really hard about a divorce. Me not having is not her fault. PLease someone should I continue to try and work it out.

swedish

I guess when I read this, I wondered why are you in it? It sounds like you're saying if she won't share her money, there's nothing in this marriage for you.

How are you with finances? Is she a saver/you a spender? She obviously feels more comfortable being in control of the finances. I do agree that once you are married, financial decisions should be made together, but it seems there are underlying issues here.

williams92806

no i'm not a spender, how can i be? I'm not the one who is spending she is, I just stated that she is spending over 10k to remodel her mother home. Earlier I tolde you u has told me that my problems are not her problem. So what other issues can you be talking about?

MarkTwain

How is the rest of the relationship? Does she make you happy?

Triton

Here is a set up for ya- Get this ! First ,sit her down and explain to her clearly and calmly how you feel. Tell her not to interrupt -just wait until you are finished. Then see how she reacts. Now if things don't get better. Try it again. This wil be the second time. Lastly, do it again -number 3. Then I say-Go for what ya know. Also, keep tabs on when you brought it to her. Date , time, etc. -Don't spill that until you go -Ape !

swedish

When I remarried, my husband moved from his apartment to my home. I had built up quite a bit of equity and held other assets. He just moved to the states from germany and was working at a university on his post-doctorate and literally came here with a few suitcases. The financial situation was awkward for both of us so in the beginning, he paid 'rent' towards the mortgage and otherwise we kept our finances separate as they were before we were married. At one point, we moved out of state and bought a home together and started a joint account. We have since moved back and continue to hold joint accounts and now make financial decisions together. He sometimes says he doesn't feel comfortable (that everything is ours) because I invested more in the beginning, but I also have 3 kids that we are supporting so I have the same feelings of things not being equal or fair (cuz kids are not cheap!!), but it is what it is and neither of us feels slighted by the other (the reverse--I guess we are both independent that way)

Anyway, I was just trying to figure out from her perspective, why she wants to keep things separate. It does sound as though she wants full control of the money she earns and how she spends it. I was just trying to figure out why that is.

My ex was terrible with money and he wanted me to handle our finances and give him an allowance or we'd never save enough to buy a home, etc. When we divorced we split our assets down the middle and both had excellent credit ratings. Mine have grown and he now has such bad credit he cannot get a credit card, he cashed in his 401k and sold his home, spent the equity and is now renting. Most of the toys (jet skis/boats/cars etc) he spent the $ on have been sold for next to nothing.

People are all different when it comes to the almighty $.

Is your wife doing this for both of you or do you believe she's just trying to 'keep you in your place' and have control over you?

draconis

Why are you still there?

draconis

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