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No affection or gratitude.

4K views 45 replies 10 participants last post by  Adam801 
#1 ·
Married 12 years with three children 7,4,2. My wife has been emotionally closed off. Shows very little if any affection or gratitude. I believed this was been due to the antidepressants she started over 2 years ago. One of the side effects is a low libido. We've talked a lot about bit and with the help of her Dr. she is off of it but little has changed.

Over the past year she has become increasingly frustrated with me, and my work/hobbies/interests. I'm very upbeat, love just about aspects of my life, but keep myself very busy. She doesn't like how busy I am. I know I keep busy. Part of the reason is so I don't have to deal with the feeling of being alone.

We talked about our relationship about week or so. Mostly me expressing my desire to have a better relationship with her. I usually feel good afterwords. I hear lots of "Ok" "I'll try" and "yeah I know" but no action or change ever come because of it. That seems to hurt even more. Her knowing something bother me and yet does nothing. I'd almost rather her not know.

She's been very helpful to me in the past emotionally so I don't mind being patient and working through things. I don't know if I'd be happier without her.

I love her but being so close to her and emotionally so far really hurts.
 
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#40 ·
She's decided to have some girls over for a movie night while I go out. I'm ok going without her. It doesn't happen that often especially of the period of a year.

I didn't want to marry a clone if me. We have different tastes. I like our differences. I don't need to do everything with her. It's nice to try things she like even though I don't, I am a bit jealous of other couples who share a lot in common. Yes it does present some friction and problems. But that's the choice we made when we got married. I'm not looking for her to be supportive of everything. One or two thing would be nice.
 
#41 ·
Thank you all again for you input and feedback I may not have time to comment on all of it but I do read it and ponder on it.

We had a short talk, then a longer one.

I thanked her for the things I saw her doing that I appreciated. Expressed my regret for having such a busy schedule and not taking into account the stress it would have on our relationship. I really didn't know, that is just a big oops. Now classes are over, I've learned and will know better next time. I said I would talk more with her before taking on other/extra projects classes. That was the short talk. It went very well.

The long talk was about 30 minutes latter where she just laid into all the emotions she was feeling. A bit taxing for me but I calmly listened and answered a few more questions. Some things I've realized from this. She has some intimacy problem. Emotions are not always cut and dry. On the one hand she is very upset that I have not hugged or kissed her but I have hugged and kissed the kids. On the other hand, for a while now, she has no romantic desires. Her labido is just tuned off. I will hug an kiss her again I just need time to feel emotionally safe.

One the one hand I feel bad for what she is feeling. On the other I think she is finally feeling what I have been going through the last few months. We talked about that and it seemed to be a bit of an eye opener for her.

She is getting impatient, and wants things to get better faster. I keep telling her to patient, we are moving in the right direction, don't rush it and miss the import feeling, insights and events that happen as we repair our relationship.

She said the ball is my court, I control when, if, and how fast we move forward. I kind of put it back on her and said that all depends on how she acts (not what she says). I don't think she liked that. I could tell she was getting a little frustrated and not knowing what to do and how. I explained again that I want to feel like I'm important to her. I don't need surprises. I you want to do something like make me lunch but don't know what to make, simple say "I'd like to make your lunch, what would you like." That is good enough for me. Even if I have a lunch meeting and don't need one, I know that she was thinking of me. That is what is key to me. Also not yelling. If she need to correct me (cuz I know I'm not perfect) she need to be very careful about the words she uses. I don't need a lecture, just informed. I feel [...] when you do [...].

I went on to tell her I envision this healing to progress like a new relationship. Fist you find some you like (done). You start spend time with them to get to know them (we are doing this now). At some point you realizes you want to spend more time with them, and become romantically interested in them. You start to flirt with them, you want to become physical with them, then intimate. In a nutshell. It may take a few weeks or month or two. I don't know. I'm not going to drag it out.

She has been really worried about our future and how to act around me and what to tell if anything to other (close) friends. I explained that this is what i would say to them:
"Rather then me going on about what's wrong with our relationship let me tell you what is right. We have some issues we are working through but so does every body at some point. We are working on them, which is more than I can say for a lot of people with marital issues. We both believe we can get through it. Having a temple marriage (we're Mormon and got married in the temple, which we believe is an eternal marriage existing beyond this life) so this low difficult point in our relationship will seem small when compared to the last 12 years and beyond. When we get though it we'll have a stronger relationship because of it. Will take that knowledge and share it with others who struggle and maybe even our own kids when they struggle in relationships.

She felt a little better after that. I think she has a bit more hope in us.
 
#42 ·
On the one hand she is very upset that I have not hugged or kissed her but I have hugged and kissed the kids.
First of all, I thought the whole point of this thread is that she is not affectionate enough. Now you are not being affectionate? Maybe this is a circle where neither of you is being affectionate enough, so that turns the other one off, and so on and so on.

I will hug an kiss her again I just need time to feel emotionally safe.
To be honest again, if my husband said something this womanly, I would be turned off too. My libidio would be less than 0.

I could tell she was getting a little frustrated and not knowing what to do and how. I explained again that I want to feel like I'm important to her.
It sounds like everything is focused on what SHE needs to do to make YOU feel better and make YOU feel important. Are you making her feel important and appreciated? Marriage is a two-way street and you seem very focused on only making her fix her side and doing nothing on your side. It sounds like your hobbies are more important to you than your wife's feelings.
 
#46 ·
Just an update for you all. Things have been getting better. It's been 2 steps forward one step back kind of experience. I've been more open with here about my feelings and specific that's that bother me. And the reverse, her communicating more with me. That seems to help, basic communication skills.
 
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