My Husband Says Im Ugly and Selfish For Wanting Out??
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Old 04-22-2013, 02:43 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Husband Says Im Ugly and Selfish For Wanting Out??

Hi Everyone. I just need a bit of help. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and we have 3 children together and the youngest is 7 months old. My husband constantly tells me that I am ugly and even goes as far to explain to me that he does not owe it to me to think that i am attractive.

I asked if there was anything that i can do to make him attracted to me and he says that there is nothing that i can do. He said that there are plently of ugly women out here and I should not be mad because I am ugly. He said that no man would ever turn his head to watch me when I walk by.

He sees me cry about it and does nothing but get frustrated because he says that he can't believe that i am this upset all because i am ugly. I explained that it hurts because its coming from you and not only that but his delivery is so harsh. Does he really have to look me in ny face and say I'm ugly? We have little to no sex life, I pay all of the bills, and everything that we have is mine. I asked him to leave and he refuses to and continues to say that he is now homeless and is losing his family all because he thinks I'm ugly.

If I stay with him I will be dying a slow death. He never does anything romantic with me, never buys a gift or recognize my birthday or anything, he doesn't even talk to me. If he wants a woman to look at, he looks at porn or any other woman if we are ever in public together.

I am very insecure around him. I don't even want to show my face or body. He says that he didn't marry me for looks and i understand that. I don't think that anyone would want someone to marry them soely based on their appearance. But him and i are the opposite sex and we are in a relationship together and for him to look me in my face and yell YOUR UGLY BUT SO WHAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT really hurts my heart. Why does he have to feel I'm that bad looking?

If i stay, the only thing that we have left is me paying the bills, taking care of the kids, and that's it. He's so unnattracted to me that the only activities we ever do is with the kids. No relationship what so ever because he views me as ugly. I have cheated in the past, I am not saying it is okay but thus was why. I just needed to be in a relationship for once and not an arrangement. He won't leave and he won't let me leave.

Am I being selfish? I'm not obsessed but I'm lonely, and i believe what he tells me. I cut all of my hair off and I've been looking terrible all week. I would feel like a fool for ever trying to look nice around him knowing that he is laughing at me inside and thinking that i am not good enough for his eyes.

Looks aren't everything, but rejection by your spouse sure does hurt.
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Old 04-22-2013, 04:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband Says Im Ugly and Selfish For Wanting Out??

He's a jerk, and projecting his insicurites in you. This is his problem I am sure you are too much for him which is why he is treating you this way. I say leave one less mouth to feed.

Chin up and vogue as you throw him out!
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Old 04-22-2013, 05:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband Says Im Ugly and Selfish For Wanting Out??

WTF.. is this guy for real? I thought my STBXW was low with the " the thought of having sex with you makes me ill" but this guy has hit a new low.
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Old 04-22-2013, 08:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband Says Im Ugly and Selfish For Wanting Out??

I think you are not being truthful because the story sounds so outlandish. No human being in the world would allow themselves to be called ugly, pay all the bills and be treated like a doormat. You can get out, you just won't. When he is at work, leave. You are the one with the cash anyway. He has nothing and he should learn to be alone. He is a c-nt, seriously. Don't let him hold you hostage and make you feel guilty. If my husband ever did that to me, it would be over in one minute.
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Old 04-23-2013, 08:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband Says Im Ugly and Selfish For Wanting Out??

13 years together, when did he begin demoralizing you? From the early days? Or did it escalate after your affair?

Please seek counseling, work on your self esteem, gain your confidence back. Your husband sounds like a real piece of work, no one should ever be told they are ugly, much less by their spouse and for your well-being its only logical to consider a life without him.
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:06 AM   #6 (permalink)
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He's a jerk, and projecting his insicurites in you. This is his problem I am sure you are too much for him which is why he is treating you this way. I say leave one less mouth to feed.

Chin up and vogue as you throw him out!
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Thanks for the chin up and vogue out advise! You are so fright! I know I an too much for him. It's gonna be so hard to start from square one.
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:08 AM   #7 (permalink)
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WTF.. is this guy for real? I thought my STBXW was low with the " the thought of having sex with you makes me ill" but this guy has hit a new low.
Why did he say that the thought of sex with you made him ill? Who do some people really think they are? I'm quite sure he isn't a 10 but he is a 10 to you, so why would he be so harsh towards you?
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:31 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband Says Im Ugly and Selfish For Wanting Out??

That is very sad. I'm really sorry. I guarantee you can find someone who thinks you are as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside.

This strikes a chord with me because my wife has become morbidly obese and I do not find it attractive. I can't tell you how I have struggled to communicate to her that she needed to lose the weight. I did finally have to tell her after trying everything else that it has affected my attraction to her. That was REALLY hard to say to her. I didn't want to hurt her. Now, my wife can do something about her weight. She has control. I doubt that you are ugly but how he could so cruelly and cavalierly tell you that, especially something that is out of your control is beyond me.

I also want to add that you CANNOT let that tear you down. I don't know what you look like but I have met a lot of people who objectively are unattractive BUT who I am attracted to because of how they carry themselves. They are not ashamed of who they are or what they look like. They have confidence in who they are and they project that. That is very attractive no matter what you look like.

I'm sorry but he seems emotionally abusive and that is a good enough reason to leave.

EDIT: Do a 180. Do the things that build your confidence ... for you. Don't intentionally sabotage yourself because of him. You can engage in all sorts of self-destructive behavior if you let him do that to you - have an affair, cut off your hair. If you want to try to look nice ... don't try to look nice for him ... look nice for yourself.

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Old 04-23-2013, 11:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I think you are not being truthful because the story sounds so outlandish. No human being in the world would allow themselves to be called ugly, pay all the bills and be treated like a doormat. You can get out, you just won't. When he is at work, leave. You are the one with the cash anyway. He has nothing and he should learn to be alone. He is a c-nt, seriously. Don't let him hold you hostage and make you feel guilty. If my husband ever did that to me, it would be over in one minute.
Alexandria I typed such a long reply and It's gone! Lol buy anyway, you seem to be much stronger than Me. There really are people out here like me. One part of me thinks that he has lost his mind because he has changed so much over the years. He has changed religions, he hates America, and spends his entire day on the entire day on the internet voicing his hate and death wishes for Americans.

Of course I'm not telling the entire story, because there isn't enough room to write but i can't think of anything that i could have done that would make this situation ok.

I did mention to you all that i cheated on him it was not okay but i wanted to experience something other than working, paying the bills, and cleaning the house. I cheated because i NEEDED to have a relationship with the opposite sex.

I called his mother ugly. I know that this sounds a ***** childish buy I don't know how else to protect myself against his harsh words. He said that it hurt his feelings when i called his mother ugly because no one ever called her that before. I'm so confused bc how can he yell me that there is nothing wrong with being ugly but gets mad when i say it about his mom.

I am trying to move now. I can't call the police to have him removed because he hates.America and the police and said that if they come to remove him from his home that he will fight them.

Maybe he has lost his mind. That's another reason why I stay but i cannot be abused in the process. He physically hits.me I know its because he thinks I'm ugly. If i curse at him or yell he says I deserve to get beat and take it because he is defending himself against my words.

I do yell around the house at him and it's not right but I'm mad. He thinks that he is just going to lay around my house, make me pay the bills and i don't deserve a romantic life? Or relationship with a man?

That's so selfish. He doesn't need dates or anything with Me because he doesn't view me in that way but I'm a ***** if i go on a date with another man. you won't leave.
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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That is very sad. I'm really sorry. I guarantee you can find someone who thinks you are as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside.

This strikes a chord with me because my wife has become morbidly obese and I do not find it attractive. I can't tell you how I have struggled to communicate to her that she needed to lose the weight. I did finally have to tell her after trying everything else that it has affected my attraction to her. That was REALLY hard to say to her. I didn't want to hurt her. Now, my wife can do something about her weight. She has control. I doubt that you are ugly but how he could so cruelly and cavalierly tell you that, especially something that is out of your control is beyond me.

I also want to add that you CANNOT let that tear you down. I don't know what you look like but I have met a lot of people who objectively are unattractive BUT who I am attracted to because of how they carry themselves. They are not ashamed of who they are or what they look like. They have confidence in who they are and they project that. That is very attractive no matter what you look like.

I'm sorry but he seems emotionally abusive and that is a good enough reason to leave.

EDIT: Do a 180. Do the things that build your confidence ... for you. Don't intentionally sabotage yourself because of him. You can engage in all sorts of self-destructive behavior if you let him do that to you - have an affair, cut off your hair. If you want to try to look nice ... don't try to look nice for him ... look nice for yourself.
Thank you so much. I understand where you are coming from 100% with your wife. If my husband said that to me i would appreciate his concern and do something about it. My husband didn't even give me that much. I never viewed myself as ugly but if someone were to think that it would be an opinion but they wouldn't have to sleep with me so it wouldn't bother me. When it comes from the only man who you will be with for the rest of your life it hurts.

A lot of men are actually attracted to me that's what made it So convenient to have the affairs. I guess that's why it hurts for someone who owes me nothing to see my beauty versus your husband, the father of your children. He had 14 years to develop a physical attraction for me and he hasn't found it.

He constantly compares me to other women including celebrities. He said my butt isn't big like most women out here, so a man would never consider me as attractive. I wear makeup, as well but its very tasteful and he makes me feel bad for it and says "see even you know you are ugly because you wear makeup to hide your looks. I like makeup because its art. It can enhance your beauty if applied correctly.

I hope your wife is successful in her weight loss journey. It will be better for your relationship and her health. Some men actually like larger women buy it is unhealthy for us to eat the things that we do and poison our bodies. I wish he only wanted me to lose weight. I hate the rejection I have no parents no family and no friends because i have worked soooooo much and people took it personally. I applaud you for giving your wife a chance and letting her know that you are not happy with your sex life.
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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13 years together, when did he begin demoralizing you? From the early days? Or did it escalate after your affair?

Please seek counseling, work on your self esteem, gain your confidence back. Your husband sounds like a real piece of work, no one should ever be told they are ugly, much less by their spouse and for your well-being its only logical to consider a life without him.
Hi Ava,
I'm trying very hard I just have to plan it out because he refuses to leave and says if the police take him away from his family he will fight them and die for it. He makes me feel so bad about saying that I'm willing to throw away our marriage all because of my effin face. Maybe I shouldn't worry about the fact that he thinks I'm ugly. Maybe this does make me sound vein. Is it important to you all? I have seen some people in other forums who say they aren't attracted to their wife and they are fine with it because its not important. My husband says there are 2 kinda of ppl. Attractive ppl and ugly ppl. He says why should I be mad because I'm ugly. Everybody can't be attractive.
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Old 04-23-2013, 03:49 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband Says Im Ugly and Selfish For Wanting Out??

"I am trying to move now. I can't call the police to have him removed because he hates.America and the police and said that if they come to remove him from his home that he will fight them.
Maybe he has lost his mind. That's another reason why I stay but i cannot be abused in the process. He physically hits.me I know its because he thinks I'm ugly. If i curse at him or yell he says I deserve to get beat and take it because he is defending himself against my words. "

You do need to go to the police, he's hurting you. You are not responsible for his views and if he hates America. He needs help if the police find out about his behavior it would be good. Look at the news, we all need to be protected from people like him. Please get a restrainting order against him, you need to get full custody of your kids. If you go dark on him he can't hurt you but you need to do it legally so that you don't lose your children. Please seek help from a womans shelter or a similar service. You need to be careful I would expose him to anyone that can help so that they can protect you. At this rate considering how serious he is about his anti American beliefs you may even get into witness protection program. Do not underestimate him, please get far away and report him. You will need therapy to break the chain that made you stay for so long to begin with.
Please do this correct so that you end up protected and safe. It maybe hard as a single mother but, not as hard as staying.
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Old 04-23-2013, 07:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband Says Im Ugly and Selfish For Wanting Out??

Call the FBI, they'll remove his sorry good for nothing ass!

No one should stay together when so much is being tossed about. Your relationship is toxic. he hurts you, you hurt him, so he hurts you back. It goes on and on until you no longer recognize the person in the mirror. You sound like a very nice woman. There is a lid for every pot and some sets have many pots that go with one or two lids! Go find the lid that fits you. This guy is just putting dents in you and letting all the steam and heat out.
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Old 04-23-2013, 07:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband Says Im Ugly and Selfish For Wanting Out??

I think you should worry if he calls you ugly. This is not okay. Perhaps you could try and think about it terms of imagining your daughter's (if you have one) potential partner calling her ugly in the future. Would you think this is okay?

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Old 04-23-2013, 08:01 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thank you so much. I understand where you are coming from 100% with your wife. If my husband said that to me i would appreciate his concern and do something about it. My husband didn't even give me that much. I never viewed myself as ugly but if someone were to think that it would be an opinion but they wouldn't have to sleep with me so it wouldn't bother me. When it comes from the only man who you will be with for the rest of your life it hurts.

A lot of men are actually attracted to me that's what made it So convenient to have the affairs. I guess that's why it hurts for someone who owes me nothing to see my beauty versus your husband, the father of your children. He had 14 years to develop a physical attraction for me and he hasn't found it.

He constantly compares me to other women including celebrities. He said my butt isn't big like most women out here, so a man would never consider me as attractive. I wear makeup, as well but its very tasteful and he makes me feel bad for it and says "see even you know you are ugly because you wear makeup to hide your looks. I like makeup because its art. It can enhance your beauty if applied correctly.

I hope your wife is successful in her weight loss journey. It will be better for your relationship and her health. Some men actually like larger women buy it is unhealthy for us to eat the things that we do and poison our bodies. I wish he only wanted me to lose weight. I hate the rejection I have no parents no family and no friends because i have worked soooooo much and people took it personally. I applaud you for giving your wife a chance and letting her know that you are not happy with your sex life.
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Women do it to men too. Issue disparaging remarks and put downs intended to cut to the core. All ontop of while you are a provider for them.

It's the same no matter whether it's a man or a woman doing it, your worth more than this and you know it.

Perhaps he has some insecurities within himself that makes him need to do this.

It shouldn't be your problem, try to get some outside help and move on.
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