Caught Wife showing way too much interest in a guy online
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Old 08-17-2009, 09:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Caught Wife showing way too much interest in a guy online

So many problems, but we'll start with the latest. My wife was a bridesmaid at a wedding a couple of months back. She went the day before the wedding to go to the rehearsal dinner and stay at a hotel with another bridesmaid. At this rehearsal, she met the guy who she would be walking down the aisle with. At the wedding I didn't get the chance to meet him or his pregnant wife. My wife usually has something nice to say to a woman that's pregnant, but she didn't bother to meet this guy's wife either. When he was leaving he came to say goodbye to my wife, I happened to be coming back from the barthroom at the time. When he saw me approaching, he quickly explained that He just wanted to say goodbye - as if I was her bodyguard and my permission was needed to proceed - I thought this was a little weird and mentioned it to my wife after, which she just brushed off (she thinks I'm really jealous, but I think she tells me that for her own benefit).

SO, this guy is one of the bride's facebook friends, and wouldn't you know my wife contacts him the day after the wedding, asking about his wife and whether she had the baby or not - I think she was past due or something (fine, no harm there on the face of it), but I did think it was a little weird of her trying to befriend some guy she doesn't even know, and she initiated the whole thing - also she didn't care to meet his wife at the wedding, but now she's concerned. This was sort of the last straw for me as far her keeping way too many secrets and befriending guys when she knows very well what they're going to think.

I pushed her to marriage counseling - we had one session. Instead of building on the advice of developing some trust between us, she caused a huge diversion and faked a nervous breakdown and threats of suicide instead of dealing with her issues of not respecting boundaries in our marriage and her secrecy. As for me I decided to stop checking up on her for about 1.5 months, and follow the advice of the counselor - basically, if shes going to do something she's not supposed to do, then so be it and let her face the consequences (For our entire relationship I've been one the nip things in the bud before she does something stupid where there's no going back). I started suspecting her again and let my impulses take over and checked her facebook last week - only to find she was secretly contacting this guy yet again and purposely initiated some sort of personal friendship with him - back and forth emails, 'how are you', 'what are you doing this weekend', 'I'm doing this', 'I'm doing that', etc. - then it developed into her saying "I noticed you travel alot, do you ever make it our my way'. My Wife of 7 years is actually coming on to this guy, this married guy! - trying to initiate some sort of way for them to meet up, etc. My wife is a beautiful woman, and any guy will take a good looking girl showing interest in him like that with enthusiasm and show interest back, its human nature, and she's purposely doing it (the messed up part is that she was acting really nice to me during this time, no problems at all). There's really no room for misinterpretation in my opinion. Then there was talk of her bride friend throwing a party and she makes sure to let him know when its happening so they can meet there. She didn't mention any party to me - I wonder why??? After this latest incident, I'm ready to leave - she just does this stuff over and over again and I've always been the sucker who just lets it boil over and go back to normalcy. In closing, I think my wife has some sever emotional issues on top of all this!
1. She's very jealous of me to the point where I don't make waves just for peace. No female friends, I barely go out, I barely socialize, no facebook, etc. She gets to do anything she wants - stuff that would cause major problems if I did the same.
2. She's very insecure about herself, she obsesses about her appearance, believes she's overweight (she's petite and weighs under 100!), she desparately wants a tummy tuck, etc.
3. She has anxiety problems (the only issue she'll admit to)
4. I think she has a form of "Delusional Disorder" mixed type, both A. Persecutory (where she has these episodes and thinks people are out to get her, don't like her, or conspiring against her, ESPECIALLY My Sisters, who are always nice to her, yet, when something triggers it, she'll literally take anything one of them would say and take it as jab, etc. The she'll ***** to me about it and to her friends, who pretty much believe her delusions - she can really paint a good picture, and its mostly unture or highly exaggerated. B. Jealous type: Convinced I'm the one up to something, that I'm the sneak, that I'm the one who's not into the marriage, that women are trying to take me away from her. (Which is ironic, seeing now that she's coming on to a married man on facebook!).

So there you go, I'm completely stressed and she has major issues - which I was more than willing to try to get her some help with. But now, attempting to cheat on me just crossed the line.

I'm contacting a lawyer this week to get this divorce rolling - I see no other choice. What can I do? any opinions?

Thanks
-D
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Old 08-17-2009, 11:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Caught Wife showing way too much interest in a guy online

She's guilty so she's projecting it onto you. But your chief mistake is coddling her. By not going out and having the friends you want to have and doing the things you want to do, she hasn't had to face her own issues.

Have you told her you're thinking of divorce? What's she had to say about that subject? It sounds like ultimatum time. But then you have to follow through.
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Old 08-18-2009, 07:25 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Caught Wife showing way too much interest in a guy online

Yes, you're exactly right - I do coddle her and if I decide its over, I really have to follow through this time. I told her I wanted a divorce during the latest blowup about her internet flirting and secrecy. I don't think she believes I'll do it. I tried to talk to her about the situation yesterday, asking why she does these things, and she only gets defensive and denies any wrongdoing. Now this morning, she leaves a note for me about me (and me family????) constantly telling her she's mentally ill (not true), and something about how I took a vacation from work when I knew she'd be working, and asking why she would want to be with someone like that (???). She's in major deflecting blame mode right now - actually trying to come up with things that question why she would want to be married to me!!! Ughhh....

Its so frustrating - I'm the one with the issue with her, yet she's conveniently having an issue with me and our marriage at the same time! I truly think she has some serious emotional problems, which can be treated - but sadly, she'll probably never seek help.
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Old 08-20-2009, 10:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Caught Wife showing way too much interest in a guy online

Counseling together and individually would be a good start. If she won't go, keep trying, but if she refuses then perhaps a temporary separation would facilitate getting help on her part. You can't force anyone to seek help if they aren't ready, but at the same time, you can still make decisions to move forward for yourself.
Sorry to be blunt but sounds like you have some pretty tight reins on the relationship. You could both benefit from counseling.
Do find out more information before you go down the path of divorce.
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Old 08-21-2009, 07:52 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Caught Wife showing way too much interest in a guy online

this wasn't just a guy online....they had ment...right?
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Old 08-22-2009, 10:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Caught Wife showing way too much interest in a guy online

Oh gosh......I can relate in a way to some of this.....I was the one who got into trouble on the internet....on facebook as a matter of fact.

I am so very grateful that my husband was willing to look past the actual incident and see what the true issues were. And that, for me, this was just a manifestation of some childhood issues I needed to deal with and didn't know how to ask for help.

I can't offer advice, it's up to you how much you want to invest in your marriage and your wife. I'm just suggesting that perhaps you look a little deeper. Of course, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Hang in there. Take it one day at a time. That's all I can do right now....
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Old 08-11-2010, 09:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Caught Wife showing way too much interest in a guy online

Quote:
Originally Posted by 10yearsofbs View Post
Yes, you're exactly right - I do coddle her and if I decide its over, I really have to follow through this time. I told her I wanted a divorce during the latest blowup about her internet flirting and secrecy. I don't think she believes I'll do it. I tried to talk to her about the situation yesterday, asking why she does these things, and she only gets defensive and denies any wrongdoing. Now this morning, she leaves a note for me about me (and me family????) constantly telling her she's mentally ill (not true), and something about how I took a vacation from work when I knew she'd be working, and asking why she would want to be with someone like that (???). She's in major deflecting blame mode right now - actually trying to come up with things that question why she would want to be married to me!!! Ughhh....

Its so frustrating - I'm the one with the issue with her, yet she's conveniently having an issue with me and our marriage at the same time! I truly think she has some serious emotional problems, which can be treated - but sadly, she'll probably never seek help.
This has a resemblance to my case. Read "caught wife flirting with a low level employee ..." She has turned the table on me as to the one "not knowing her enough" and she won't ever seek help. I offered many time to go to therapy, but she refuses.

It also seems like you're the coddling type like me.

I think, we're going to stay in this relationship and be abused.
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