Ok, I am devastated, my wife and I separated recently due to a problem I have with lying about stupid stuff. It has not been a habitual problem but in the last year and half I lied to her about 3 times. Most recently it was regarding money, usually when I fall short on some bills that are both of ours, I just come and ask her. However, lately money has been tighter and I every month I ask for 200 dollars or so. Well, I ended up taking her debit card took out $200 to cover her bills, I was planning on letting her know later that day. However when she was out she needed the card, and when it was not there freaked out, called the bank, learned there was a withdrawal and had the card cancelled and reported it stolen.
Now this is where I come in, she called me, and asked if I had the card after all this, I said no, she was referring to her business card, I thought I took her personal card. We hung up then I thought I should check my wallet and sure enough I had the business debit card. I immediatley called back and said I do have it, but because she was so angry and erratic, I denied taking the 200 dollars. When I got home she knew I was not telling the truth and after my repeated denials, and arguing, I finally relented and told the truth, but the denial up into that point was a lie. I fell awful, but I owned up to it and apologized.
She then threw me out, and said we are divorcing. I ended up staying at a friends that night, but returned the next night and she moved out for a while. She has since returned, but we sleep in separate bedrooms, and currently we are out of town. We had a vacation planned to see family, but she told me not come, so I adjusted my itinerary and went somewhere else to be with my family instead of hers.
She says she does not know if she can ever trust me again, that it feels the same as if she was cheated on. I have been in therapy, for a few weeks now, and though slow going progress is being made. We saw a marriage counselor, and he said basically only time will tell and put the burden of making it work on my wife. If she is willing to try then there is hope, so long as I continue to get therapy on the side.
At this point she tells me she wants space, no phone calls from me, text messages, don't call any of our mutual friends especially the ones loyal to her. She hasn't told her family, she says she will wait untill she decides if she wants to save our marriage, she gave me an oddly specific date that is fast approaching, the day we get back from our respective trips that she will have an answer if its over or salvageable.
She insists she needs her space, away from me and she is not sure which way it will go, but part of me thinks she is just waiting to get back from vacation to end it so she can enjoy herself fully now, then another part of me thinks she really does not know what she wants. She told me recently to cancel our appointment with the marriage counselor coming up, she wants to focus on therapy for herself, before we continue with couples counseling if that is a path she chooses to take.
I love my wife and behaved poorly, she is the world to me and I let her down. I am grief stricken, and am desparately doing everything I can to make this work and know that trust once broken is hard to regain, but is it possible, is it something that can be saved, am I grasping for the inevitable, we were happy, untill that one day I made a stupid decision.
wow. i feel like i'm in the same scenario you are in. . . except i am in your wife's shoes. my husband has lied to me in the past and right now we are "trying" to work on our marriage. pfft. since he has gotten home nothing was mentioned about what has recently happened. even though i said i want to work on things i'm getting impatient on waiting for us to talk to the chaplain and then start counseling.
my input is basically what i want my husband to do, so i'm only guessing that maybe she wants the same thing from you.
i think she really has no idea what to do. have you done things that helped build back up her trust for you before this incident? even though she doesn't want you talking to her, maybe a letter saying how sorry you are for hurting her. write that you really do charish your relationship and you regret making her think otherwise by lying. it seems like you lied this last time to avoid her being angry with you. maybe include in the letter how you were so concerned about the immediate affect of what she would do if you told her you took her card, that you didn't think of the after affect of how much more damage you have done by lying about it. tell her you really want to work on not lying anymore and that you will promise that you will show her that if she can just give you one more chance to do that.
Follow up, Tuesday afternoon, I was out having a coffee, and I get a text message from an area code where my wife is currently visiting, the text states that she has found a new man and I have been replaced. I was upset, and called her to ask about it. She said she did not know who it was from, so I called the number and it turned out to be a teenager. This seems highly unusual, considering are current problems with trust. This was not a coincidence, we both know that. However she was insistent that I sent it, without explanation just to start more drama. This is ridiculous, and impossible. Turned out the girl who eventually called back apologized and said "She thinks she did not send it to me" not that she didn't again neither of us have no idea who this, bit I feel there may a connection somewhere in her family, somewhere. Though she says she has not told but only two or three people.
Any chance of reconciling was damaged severely with this text message, as she called me a liar, and got very defensive regarding this. I was shaking when I got and very upset, not knowing what to believe. In the end she called me tonight (my wife) and said she wants to divorce, but I think she may not be sure, and was reacting to hostility. I love my wife and trying to understand my faults and make sure they don't happen again (see initial post). However it seems someone intentionally is trying to sabotage our fragile relationship. Any thoughts on how to proceed?
All you can do is pray at this point. Nothing you do or say without thinking first is going to have a positive outcome. I dont know if your christian, but when all else fails...I pray. It should always be the other way around, but I'm human. Yes you've made mistakes, but where there is love, there is hope. If you haven't tried, try God. You may be pleasently surprised. This is much easier to write, then put into practice. I need to practice what I say. Good Luck to you. As far as the text, yes it is weird, but as hard as it sounds try to let it go. In the big picture it wont matter. I know it often feels overwhemling with anger, guilt, but try to ask for peace. When I feel anger I "try" (to remember) to go somewhere alone, even a bathroom, and take a few deep breaths, and remember what is important. Good Luck to you!
Well, the marriage is over, but I am still confused and a bit unsure. Earlier this week my wife called, and said she made up her mind, and she wants a divorce, and she can not live with not trusting what I say (see above post). I am currently in therapy, and today went to our marriage counselor by myself, since my wife has refused to go since she her mind is made up.
Well today I decided to put the heartbreak aside and start taking care of myself, I found an apartment that I can afford on the beach (a place I wanted to always live), hired an attorney and started packing my things. My wife stopped by the house today after work, and I tried to be civil and was for the most part, and said simply that you have gotten what you wanted, I am moving out Monday, and we will no longer be a couple. She replied, well you must of been wanting this too, if you already have an apartment and an attorney, I just simply replied that I need to take care of myself right now. I have put 100% into building this relationship, I love and am madly in love with my wife, and will be for a long time. Though sitting around and letting the hurt continue without moving forward was worse.
She left the house to stay at a friends for the night, and I can tell she was bothered. Though I don't if I am looking into more than I should. I have to move forward and maybe she will come back someday, I tried so hard, and she wouldn't budge one bit. I can at least walk away knowing that, but I still wish she would reconsider and put this marriage back together, we had many more fun times than bad, but when the bad arises she explodes and in the end our marriage is over. Any thoughts on my observations, am I way off? Does she still seem confused or lashing out. I think she was surprised that I made the choice to move forward rather quickly, but what am I to do?
Ok, I am devastated, my wife and I separated recently due to a problem I have with lying about stupid stuff. It has not been a habitual problem but in the last year and half I lied to her about 3 times. Most recently it was regarding money, usually when I fall short on some bills that are both of ours, I just come and ask her. However, lately money has been tighter and I every month I ask for 200 dollars or so. Well, I ended up taking her debit card took out $200 to cover her bills, I was planning on letting her know later that day. However when she was out she needed the card, and when it was not there freaked out, called the bank, learned there was a withdrawal and had the card cancelled and reported it stolen.
Now this is where I come in, she called me, and asked if I had the card after all this, I said no, she was referring to her business card, I thought I took her personal card. We hung up then I thought I should check my wallet and sure enough I had the business debit card. I immediatley called back and said I do have it, but because she was so angry and erratic, I denied taking the 200 dollars. When I got home she knew I was not telling the truth and after my repeated denials, and arguing, I finally relented and told the truth, but the denial up into that point was a lie. I fell awful, but I owned up to it and apologized.
She then threw me out, and said we are divorcing. I ended up staying at a friends that night, but returned the next night and she moved out for a while. She has since returned, but we sleep in separate bedrooms, and currently we are out of town. We had a vacation planned to see family, but she told me not come, so I adjusted my itinerary and went somewhere else to be with my family instead of hers.
She says she does not know if she can ever trust me again, that it feels the same as if she was cheated on. I have been in therapy, for a few weeks now, and though slow going progress is being made. We saw a marriage counselor, and he said basically only time will tell and put the burden of making it work on my wife. If she is willing to try then there is hope, so long as I continue to get therapy on the side.
At this point she tells me she wants space, no phone calls from me, text messages, don't call any of our mutual friends especially the ones loyal to her. She hasn't told her family, she says she will wait untill she decides if she wants to save our marriage, she gave me an oddly specific date that is fast approaching, the day we get back from our respective trips that she will have an answer if its over or salvageable.
She insists she needs her space, away from me and she is not sure which way it will go, but part of me thinks she is just waiting to get back from vacation to end it so she can enjoy herself fully now, then another part of me thinks she really does not know what she wants. She told me recently to cancel our appointment with the marriage counselor coming up, she wants to focus on therapy for herself, before we continue with couples counseling if that is a path she chooses to take.
I love my wife and behaved poorly, she is the world to me and I let her down. I am grief stricken, and am desparately doing everything I can to make this work and know that trust once broken is hard to regain, but is it possible, is it something that can be saved, am I grasping for the inevitable, we were happy, untill that one day I made a stupid decision.
Any thoughts, or guidance would be appreciated
This is very sweet. You are man enough to admit your wrong doings and are willing to admit when you're wrong. If you truly want to fix your marriage, your wife will come back. She'll realize that what you did was is not a cause for a loving marriage.
This is very sweet. You are man enough to admit your wrong doings and are willing to admit when you're wrong. If you truly want to fix your marriage, your wife will come back. She'll realize that what you did was is not a cause for a loving marriage to end.
Last edited by sns739; 08-23-2009 at 02:27 AM.
Reason: forgot a few words
Have you heard of a book called the love dare? There’s also a movie based on it, fireproof. Watch the movie before reading the book. The movie helps you better understand the book. Yes, it may seem a bit cheesy but I highly recommend at least watching the movie.
I saw this movie before watching it with my husband when we were having our problems a couple weeks ago. It’s made me change my mind about divorce. I’m not saying it will grantee anything, but it really helps and may work for you.
Just from what you have posted I'd say stand up to her. If paying a dew bills wrecks your marriage then there are some other isues that are far worse. Being financially sound is a compound issue not individual.
Also, sounds like she likes your independance.... keep it up and see how it goes.
Well things have gotten worse. I have moved out, yesterday my wife called me on my birthday to tell me two things, first she wanted to wish me a happy birthday, and second to tell me that there is no hope that we will remain married. She wants a divorce. She is still angry and there has been some awful things said to me and few angry responses in return, but for the most part, we have been separated and speak to each other rarely anymore. It's driving me nuts, it seems in one swift blow, our marriage that I thought was good and sound, collapsed over night.
I love my wife, am in love with her, I am heartbroken and sad. She is unwilling to try and work it out, because of the issues of me lying about the money thing (see first post). Yesterday she said we only need to communicate through out attorneys, and if I call her she will say that I am harrassing her and get a restraining order. I have never threatened, intimidated, or spoken abusively to anyone in my life, I am probably one of the most passive men there is.
It seems she has created this scenario that I am some bad person and is telling all her friends, my friends, and everyone in between. She tells me she wants to me leave this area, as she knows it will be too hard for me to see around town, and be with other men. I am hurt, and heartbroken, it sucks!
I was brought up believing that marriage was for better or worse, and it takes alot of energy to make it worthwhile for the longhaul. My wife says she does not have the energy, and if it takes work to make it work, why bother, just move on and try again with someone else.
I am at a loss, I am still hoping, and trying to accept the the fact its over, but part of me also thinks she will reconsider, but maybe I am just hoping for something that I know may never actually occur. Does anyone have any thoughts on this, should I accept its over, and really move on? Or wait and see how this plays out, and keep the strings tugging at my heart and love for her?
I'm sure you both did your share of negative things in the marriage. However, she has found another.
Now, she is looking for reasons to end the marriage as she found someone new! Everything, to her, at this point will be focused on the negative. She won't be able to see the positive for awhile. She needs excuses to move on (real or imagined).
Give it time. She will find that the grass is not greener with the new guy. No relationship or person is perfect. There will be flaws.
If you have any chance to move forward or perhaps attract your wife again...you need to continue stepping up to the plate. Continue your counseling, exercise, read some self help books, make new friends, invest in healthy activities, etc. Be a better man.
If she doesn't come around. You are a better man. If she does come around. You are STILL a better man. What do you have to lose.
Only time will allow you to accept and move on....
Although I'm in a similar position to your wife right now, I can definitely sympathize with you. You are so sincere and honest about how this is hurting you and how much you can't stand the distance, not many people (men and women alike) are very good with baring their souls for their spouses to see, especially after such a hit to your relationship.
It seems to me like she thinks she's very serious about moving on, the only thing you can do is remind her of the good. Because I know from experience when you're as mad as she is, seeing the bad is much easier. I hope she knows how much you love her, because from what you've told us, she seems like your world.
I know what I would need to hear from my husband.
Ask her to believe the both of you can come back from this as much as you believe you can.
Remind her that you've got too much between you to end over something like this.
And let her know that you will do absolutely everything to regain her trust, and acknowledge that right now you don't have it any maybe to her you don't deserve it.
Hopefully it will be enough to get her to listen to you.
Thanks for the responses, I know my wife is not with another right now, she just says that when she does, she thinks it will be too hard for me to see it when it happens. She knows I love her, and the people that she respects the most, have said she has gone off the deep end over this issue. I am in therapy to address why I lied to her, to make sure I know how to not let it happen again.
Though she says she will never be able to trust me again, and does not want to live her life without that trust. Today she sent me a text message, and I will quote it here "Yes this to hard for me I have alot going on right now, move on with your life", then shortly thereafter she sent another text that said this "I will call you this Tuesday, please don't call me or text me, I will contact you.
I am conflicted, I still hold onto hope, I love her so much, I am moving forward taking care of myself, working full time, going to school full time, and trying to make time for myself, whether it be taking a walk on the beach, or something to occupy my time.
I love her, and no one is able to get her to rationalize why this ending so abruptly, I miss her, and want her back in my arms so much, but another part of thinks my hope is all in vain. I sometimes feel she wants this divorce, one because the last time we spoke, she was calm and lucid in her speech, and said here is no hope, but she also says she wants to wait a few weeks to actually file, so she have her space and time to think about, then other times think there is hope, cause of the text messages, as mentioned about, about moving on, then the follow up that we will talk next week. I am at a loss, thought?
Wife is considering ending our marriage
