Would a trial separation be a good idea?
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Old 08-26-2009, 02:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Would a trial separation be a good idea?

My husband of almost 10 years and I have lost feelings for each other and are also very tense, snippy and angry with each other when dealing with our 3 year old. We've been trying to work on our relationship by going to lunch together alone and most recently, sending our daughter to stay with Grandma for 5 days while we try to reconnect.

We've tried walking together, going to the gym, going to dinner together, ect. But we have very little to talk about. We have no affection for each other and even though we are cordial with each other (when our daughter is not here), we're not happy.

My hope was that we would reconnect at least a LITTLE bit while she was away, then bring her back into the mix and see if we can relate to each other without resentment and snippiness. But if we can't even think of things to talk about and even hold hands or cuddle because it feels weird after not doing it for a couple of years, I don't know what to do.

We're seeing a marriage counselor tomorrow, but how can a counselor help us get our feelings back? Even if he can tell us how to better relate to each other around our daughter, how can I get a friendship or affectionate relationship back with my husband?

We both feel exactly the same way. Would a trial separation do us any good? Maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder? Any thoughts?? Has anyone lost all feeling for their spouse and then got it back somehow? If so, how??
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Old 08-26-2009, 03:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Would a trial separation be a good idea?

Dear Suzi,
I know exactly how you feel, but there's no definite answer for that. It depends how you two will react after a separation.
And there'll be few scenarios, like him to find someone else, and forget about you and child, or you could find another man, and forget about him, or simply you cannot live separately frm each other too long, and the break would provide beneficial for everyone.
The answer? Try, nothing to loose, life goes on with or without that, and time is a good healer of this kind of wounds.
good luck
Radus
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Old 08-26-2009, 04:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Would a trial separation be a good idea?

I would use a trial separation as last resort. That is what I did. Try the MC...it will take time. I understand how the dates and reconnect time didn't work...It's like you don't have a connection. I know I felt there was an emotional disconnection.
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Old 08-26-2009, 04:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Would a trial separation be a good idea?

If we were to end up in a trial separation, we agreed that we would remain faithful to each other and continue to see the MC. Neither of us wants to disrespect the marriage that we're trying to work on by actively searching for someone else.

I think we may need time apart to get perspective. If it turns out that we're happier apart and can't see getting back together, so be it. But if it makes us see that we really do love each other, that would be great too.

I'm hoping that the MC can give us some perspective before we do anything like that though. We sure as hell can't do it on our own. We're like roommates right now and it sucks. When our daughter comes back on Friday we'll likely be snipping at each other again.
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Old 08-27-2009, 08:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Would a trial separation be a good idea?

Suzi, what's the resentment about? Are there bad feelings about anything in particular, or is it a result of you leading a life with which you're unhappy?

I agree with everyone else on here about going to MC. He/she might not necessarily help you reconnect directly, but maybe working through some of the resentment will help.
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Old 08-28-2009, 12:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Would a trial separation be a good idea?

I think the resentment comes from the past two years of growing apart and losing the love and friendship in our relationship. I resent the fact that he cares more about household chores and parenting than he does about our relationship. And those are the two things we argue about.

We went to counseling yesterday and he said he still has that fluttery feeling when he thinks of me. When the MC asked me if I feel that way, I said I didn't know.
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Old 08-28-2009, 05:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Would a trial separation be a good idea?

I completely understand where you're coming from. There are plenty of things my H values above our marriage and me.

I'm sorry--I'm sure you wish you still felt that fluttery feeling about him. What would it take for you to feel that again? Or even just to feel a little closer to him? Did you know he still felt that way about you?
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Old 08-31-2009, 01:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Would a trial separation be a good idea?

I had no idea he still felt that way, since there was no indication that he loved me like that. I don't know what it would take to feel that again. We are so busy dealing with our daughter, who is very difficult to deal with right now, that after she goes to bed, we're too stressed out to give each other any time or attention.

We're hoping the MC will be able to give us some direction on how to get the spark back and maybe even how to deal with our 3 year old effectively.
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Old 08-31-2009, 01:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Would a trial separation be a good idea?

I don't expect a fluttery feeling after 24 years. I would think the butterflies last only a few years overall. Not that you won't have moments of them.

My expectation are for a committed healthy relationship. Where you have comfort knowing that you are taken care of and are loved deeply. I like that feeling. Butterflies are difficult to come by over time....My opinion.

Glad to hear you are in MC. It takes time....be patient with each other and yourself. Love is patient.
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Old 09-02-2009, 05:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Would a trial separation be a good idea?

You both want it to work. I think it will.

Have you considered that you may be trying too hard or too structured?

There are so many things that interfere with a personal realtionship that it's hard to see them all. Especially when there are kids.

Simply -> you should expect it. And you should expect to feel this way (the way your both feeling) as you go through life's stages. Hang on for the ride because, as I see it, these are the times that make you appreciate the really good times. Those times where you fall in love again.... and again.. and again...
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Old 09-06-2009, 08:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Would a trial separation be a good idea?

It is great to hear you are seeing MC, third party helps bring out the issues sometimes.
But it is afterwards .... it comes down to what do you think is missing in your life? then find out what is missing in your husband's life? Life is busy with work, raising children, household chores etc
We forget you don't feel like talking and expect the other to know what you are thinking ...... I know I have done this many times.
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Old 09-06-2009, 09:28 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Would a trial separation be a good idea?

waterloo is right....you both are wanting to work on things and that's is really positive.

Why don't you both read a copy of Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages? It's very good and because both of you want to work on this..it may give you some ideas of your love language and/or needs.
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