dobo

I've done the separation thing "together" but only because it was a requirement to get divorced.

You cannot separate together if you actually want reconciliation. Separation in the legal sense means doing your own thing and you can't get torqued out about it when the other person acts on a separation you suggested.

You don't want to be separated. So don't be separated.

You also don't know that your wife doesn't care for you. What you know is that she's felt trapped. As a mom I can tell you that I understand that feeling. The lion's share of the parenting usually falls on the mother. We also often have jobs and outside interests and when you've heard, "Mom?" for the 3000th time in a day, it makes you want to change your name.

Secondly, we've been sold a bill of goods that we can "have it all." We cannot. But still in the backs of our minds, we want it all... oh, and to be fulfilled. HA! Right. The only way to be happy is to reduce your expectations and cut back on obligations. Oh, and to have a husband who SEES what needs to be done and does it. Correlary to that is to be willing to point out what needs to be done and have him do it w/o argument or passive-aggressive forgetting, etc.

OK. Where are you now?

#1, she needs to have this other man cut off at the knees.

#2, you need to romance her like it was your first date.

#3, hold your tongue. A barrage of feelings is going to come out of both of you -- save it for your therapist.

Good luck!

jsniceguy

Thanks for the feedback dobo - I am trying hard to understand how she feels and that space and time will help. The difficulty is that she chooses to not engage in discussion regarding what is going on - I have urged, begged and told her to see a therapist for her own good but to no avail at this point. If you are familiar with this type of scenario - please give me some hints on how to bring this up and discuss it rationally.

#1 - I believe this is cut off but have to go on the word of my wife - not 100% trust in that on my part
#2 she doesn't want to go on dates with just the 2 of us yet - I have tried. At this point I am holding back and making my own plans until she shows interest in the 2 of us spending time together
#3 - Yes that is what the therapist is for and when I feel I need to have those conversations or need to talk it through with her I have substituted long workouts (giving her the space and allowing me to work out some of my frustration)

alwaysalone

JS-I applaud you for trying "separation" in the same house. It has got to be hard, it sounds as if you love your wife very much. Just be careful with your feelings and emotions. All though you are still living in the same house, your wife is believing that you are separated so you can't get angry if she goes out. But of course, taking turns to go out separately and sharing staying home with the children, is only fare.

I just want to add, my husbands parents did what you are doing with the exception of they did have separate bedrooms. I am not saying it won't work for you, but in the end, it was worse on my husband. He believes that a husband and wife are supposed to live like that, separate everything, including sharing important information. Please, which I know you are, make sure the children don't see what's going on.

Good luck my dear with everything.

jsniceguy

Update - things seem to be getting better as we both get along and haven't fought, but getting along and talking are truly two different things. I feel very alone through this process - My fear is that she'll decide to kick it in and put effort toward our marriage and I'll have just become emotionally shutdown. In order for me to maintain sanity in this process and not let myself get too emotional (happy or sad) I kind of detach from the situation - which helps me right now but where will that leave me in the future? Just needed to write today to let some emotion out and acknowledge to myself that I am sad and pulling away.