My wife wants a divorce

George · 09-06-2009, 12:15 PM

We are married for 10 years and had a passionate relationship in the first couple years. She brought a 10 year old boy and 11 year old girl into the marriage which worked out fine in the beginning. Unfortunately her son and I never connected and I made the mistake of not trying harder when he run into trouble in his teenage years. I just couldn't find a way to talk to him or to help him in any way. It also doesn't help that I'm not the most outgoing type. Besides that we always had just enough money to get by and she recently told me that I should have put more efforts in getting us ahead in life, to buying a house and to generally improve our situation. Also our sex life declined a lot in the last few years. To sum it up I screwed up big time and she told me all this two days ago! I've lost my way of showing her that I love her more than anything and ignored our problems. But I love my wife more than anything and do not want to leave her. Now she wants to see a marriage counselor on her own and see what happens. Unfortunately I don't have anybody to talk to about all this since I don't have close friends and my family lives overseas. Is there anything I can do to show her that I want to change our life for the better? I'm so devastated!

Corpuswife · 09-06-2009, 01:59 PM

Sorry George regarding you tough time.

No fun. Can you also attend counseling? It may be a great support for you.

Get yourself involved and help others. I am telling you serving others will fulfill you more than you imagine. It will also serve as a distraction. Do what you can to improve youself (exercise; read self help books; attend church; volunteer; counseling; yoga, etc). You get the point.

A confident, happy George will be attractive to her. Plus, it's good for you.

Don't be too needy as you will appear unattractive. Be happy and nice and kind and patient. I know not easy. This will take time. Prove how you love her through your actions! She may not respond. But don't overdo it that you corner her.

George · 09-09-2009, 03:12 PM

Well, last Sunday she told me that she is seing another guy since July. Now I really don't know what to do anymore. Will I ever be able to trust her again?

This was so unexpected since I never thought she would do such a thing. She got divorced because her first husband cheated on her and now she does the same thing to me? Would it be better to just walk away? Part of me wants to go on and try to save the marriage, but there's also the anger I feel when I think about her with another man. She didn't tell me if this relationship with the other man is over, just that she's unsure what to do and that she wants to talk to a counselor.

Amplexor · 09-09-2009, 04:17 PM

Since she is willing to see a counselor give that a chance. You should join her in counseling when she’s had a chance to see the therapist a few times. For the marriage to have a chance at recovery she must end the relationship with TOM. For good, no contact. Otherwise you will just be spinning your wheels. It is likely that while you have exhibited some bad behavior in the past the presence of an other man in her life only serves to further jade her view of you. If you feel you can recover the marriage and your trust in her then move forward with the counseling. If the cheating is too much for you to bare then tell her so and begin preparations to leave her.

Corpuswife · 09-09-2009, 04:42 PM

George, it's my opinion that you can't work on the marriage with th OM in the picture.

Unless she is willing to cut it off completely is there hope to restore your marriage.

Get individual counseling. Read Dr Dobson's When Love Must Be Tough. It's geared toward folks in your situation.

KeepLoveAlive · 09-09-2009, 09:09 PM

You should ask her if you both can go to counseling together. If she wants a separate appointment without you also, that's fine, but it might help having that third party there to get you both to talk.

Your anger is very understandable. But you need to focus on you and be the best kind of person you can be. Not for her, but for yourself. Think about what changes you want in life and set up a plan for those changes to happen.

When she sees what you are doing, hopefully she will want to be a part of that.

Nina

George · 09-10-2009, 08:00 PM

First, thank you for all your comments.

She doesn't seem to know what she wants. All she does is seeing "her friends" until late at night and does not really look for counseling. She said she just doesn't want to be home. I suspect she's still seeing that guy.

Today I made the decision to move out and get my own place so I don't sit at the house anymore wondering what she does or when she will come home. I'm afraid I will get angry again and say something to her that I'll regret afterward. At least I can focus more on my own life and get things in order. If she really has any feelings left for me she will come back. It does hurt to make this decision since it feels like I give up on her but I think this will eventually help both of us. I will miss her kids though. My stepson (20) and I had a long talk and I apologized to him for my behavior. We came to an understanding so at least I've finally became his friend after all these years. I still have to tell my stepdaughter (21) what's going on since she doesn't know because she's away @ college. I know it will be difficult for her.

KeepLoveAlive · 09-10-2009, 09:27 PM

I think you are making a smart move. It would be hard to be there when she is seeing someone else. No one deserves that.

Take some time to figure out what makes you happy and what you want.

Good luck.

George · 10-12-2009, 09:46 PM

Here's an update. We still live in the same house, I extended our lease for another 6 month since she seemed unsure about ending our relationship. Soon after though she admitted to be having an affair with another guy since early summer. She said she fell out of love and needs to be on her own. Whatever! I suspect she just wanted more time to plan the move. The lease will end on April 15 and then we will go our separate ways.

I'll see a lawyer on the 28th and start the divorce procedure based on adultery. Let's hope all this legal stuff will go smooth. The kids are hers and we don't own a house. I managed to get her cellphone with all the saved messages to this guy for the last few month so this should be proof enough. (The cellphone contract is under my name and I bought the phones so it is legal for me to take the phone so the text messages can be used in court - I read quite a lot about all that). The surprising fact is that HER kids think she's doing the wrong thing and don't understand her.

The last few weeks were hard but I think I finally admitted to myself that it is over. Of course it still hurts but at least there's now a clear path ahead of me on what to do next. I found the uncertainty the most difficult part during that time.