It's time to move on...so much has happened.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » It's time to move on...so much has happened.

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 09-06-2009, 11:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default It's time to move on...so much has happened.

So much has happened in the last year....I think it is best that we both move on. Please give my any advice and/or opinions you may have.

We have been married 4 1/2 years now. The first 3 1/2 years I felt like I had the most wonderful husband in the world...then all hell broke loose. Please read my other posts if you want the full and complete story. Or ask me any questions you might have. The short story is that he left me and shorty after I found out that he had cheated on me and was moving in with another woman. He hired a prostitute...he saw this other woman for a couple of weeks...he emailed hundreds of girls asking for sex....on and on...blah, blah, blah. In Feb of this past year, we reconciled and decided to give US another shot.

The bottom line is, I can't do it. I don't trust him. I don't love him like I did before this all happened. I don't know if I will ever think he loves me completely. Our relationship has changed, and I don't think it will ever be the same.

Am I wrong to think we should go our seperate ways? Am I giving up too soon? Am I a weak person for choosing to divorce?
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Old 09-06-2009, 11:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

I dont think you are wrong for wanting to leave. there are just some lines that once they are crossed, there's no going back. i know if my h ever did something like that i could never love him again. i would be crushed. it wouldnt even be a matter of wanting, i just think my heart would be so broken i literally wouldnt be able to even be around anymore. im really sorry for what you are going through.
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Old 09-06-2009, 11:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

r5b,
what happened to you is like getting shot. you survived the initial injury (and i'm not sure how) and you've been fighting like he77 to survive the infection.

oh yeah, you have a fear of guns too.

(i hope my analogy doesn't offend. just trying to make sense of it all)

i prayed for your husband to see that he made a horribly wrong decision and never returned to his evil ways. maybe that by itself wasn't enough for you.

the song lyric rings true:

"...my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel..."

can't move on? my God you have tried. i pray for peace and reconciliation in your marriage. it is hard, i am sure.

best of luck. may God be with your family.
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Old 09-07-2009, 12:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

Blanca, Voivod....I know you have both been around this forum for a while....so you probably both know the whole story. I just don't know what else to do. I can go from being "happy" to wanting to end the marriage in a matter of minutes. He's "perfect" again. I could be very happy with him if I could erase all of last year, but I can't and I can't seem to get over the pain and anxiety of thinking it will happen again. It just seems impossible.

Voivod: I think that prayer worked....he came around. He has apologized a thousand times over...I just can't seem to get over it. Is there any hope left? I know healing from infidelity takes time, a long time, but could I ever actually heal completely and trust him again??? I do right now. I actually trust him right now....but I don't have any trust in him long term. NONE. It seems easier to withdraw my love so I can never be hurt again.
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Old 09-07-2009, 11:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

Have you tried some counseling for yourself? When you think of all you've been through, that's a lot of feelings and emotions to process. A counselor could help you sort through some of it. If your husband agrees, it could be marriage counseling.

This could at least be that one last effort so you know you've done everything. From your name "Raizing5boys" you already have a lot on your plate and single parenthood won't be easy.

If you try this and still can't get over what he has done, then it is time to close that chapter and move on.
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

I want to go to counseling. I need counseling. I know I need it. Definitely curious to see if it can be of any benefit. I really don't like this feeling of hopelessness that has set in all around me. I just need to get the kids in school so I can have the time to do it. They start tomorrow. I've asked my H to set the appointment for us, but he hasn't so I guess it's up to me. His lack of caring about counseling just furthurs my belief that I don't matter all that much to him. He didn't even ask me to stay with him when I told him we should be done...he just said he loves me....nothing else...no asking for counseling first or please give us more time...nothing.
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Old 09-07-2009, 06:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

I am sorry, but I have not read your other posts....However, from what I have read here I believe he is sick...I don't think it is a case of his not getting enough sex, but something deeper...No, I would not trust him either....It sounds to me like he is fighting two people in his mind...I certainly am not a professional, but I believe his lack of wanting counseling is the fact that all of this will come out....If this happens he will have to look at himself in the mirror...Here the problem lies as he will have to try and figure out what is this problem that he has kept hidden for a long time...Believe me, this has nothing to do with you....It has to do with him.....

Yes, I would definitely move on...What are you losing but a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?....
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Old 09-07-2009, 07:07 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

I think you are smart getting the kids in school tomorrow, making an appointment and going from there. It is also possible your husband is depressed and can't move forward. So you need to take action.

Even if that action ends up being to leave. But first see if you both can get some help.

Good luck,

Nina
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Old 09-09-2009, 02:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

Months ago I asked him to see a counselor about possible sex addiction, I also asked him to continue seeing a counselor until he had an answer about why he did what he did. To me, if you know the why, it will be able to deal with it and prevent it from happening again. SO I guess it is time for an ultimatim. I don't like to do that, but he needs to take me serious. I need answers, and not just the bull crap ones he's fed me in the past.

I'm also seeing that he has alot of passive agressive traits. Still trying to figure this all out.
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Old 09-10-2009, 06:18 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

raising5: I think you are right.

It may be time to go.
It may be time for counseling for you and for him individually.
It may be time for an ultimatum.

Go with your gut. It's a difficult thing to break up your family.
Your unhappy and he tells you "he loves you." It's not working. You need more from him. Tell him what you want. If he can't give it to you...then set up your boundaries.
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Old 09-10-2009, 10:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolineMRF View Post
I am sorry, but I have not read your other posts....However, from what I have read here I believe he is sick...I don't think it is a case of his not getting enough sex, but something deeper...No, I would not trust him either....It sounds to me like he is fighting two people in his mind...I certainly am not a professional, but I believe his lack of wanting counseling is the fact that all of this will come out....If this happens he will have to look at himself in the mirror...Here the problem lies as he will have to try and figure out what is this problem that he has kept hidden for a long time...Believe me, this has nothing to do with you....It has to do with him.....

Yes, I would definitely move on...What are you losing but a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?....
You may be right, I may be sick, there may be some underlying problem that I haven't found yet. I am DEFINATELY NOT a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I understand that she has a reason to not trust me, I know that she has a reason to not believe me. I will tell you right now that I am NOT opposed to and DO want counselling. She is the one that told me that she doesn't have time and that WE don't have the money for it. So it is NOT all my fault that we have not gone yet, it is just the fact of life, we have a family to support and we haven't had the money to go, and our schedules are complete opposite so it is kind of difficult to set something up for both of us, if both of us can't go. The problem may be me, maybe she's right, maybe she's better without me, I hope that isn't the case. I would like to believe that we have a fighting chance here. I DO regret all I have done, I was an idiot for what I did, I know this, all I have to do now is prove myself to her. The big question I guess is do I have the time before she completely gives up on me??? I sure hope so. Baby I know you are going to read this so I will say it to you here..... I LOVE YOU.....
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Old 09-10-2009, 10:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

If your wife...sees that you are taking action on your behalf you will gain her respect and trust over time.

Make your own appointment to see a counselor without her. Dont rely on her. If you don't have the money there are resources out there that you may have for free or sliding scale (call university psych/counseling dept; mental health services for your county; call counselor to ask if there is any reduced fee resources in your area)

You need to show your wife how much you love her. She is insecure in the marriage and is reaching out for help.

I wish you both luck and happiness. This is very doable but can only be done by YOU!
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Old 09-23-2009, 03:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

Its like being a dog that is kicked by its owner and then is shown some affection, it wantsto take the affection but is it going to get kicked again! You hurtbadly (i'm in the same place- different reason)
on one hand he is backto mr nice again but you cant forgive what mr nasty did and it leaves a bitter taste! life would be brilliant if we could erase the nasty memories and start afresh!!good luck
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Old 03-14-2011, 01:28 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's time to move on...so much has happened.

I agree with most on here, owever in my words...You need to let go.

I know you still love him, otherwise you wouldnt have given him another chance. You have kids, you are married..

But when someone does this...its a like jumping to a different island and burning the bridge that got you there. He cant get YOU, your mind, trust, emotions, back. He may actually want it. You may want it. But its just not happening is it?!

I think you need to stop wonderingif it can be worked ut and start thinking thinking that no matter how bad you want it to, no matter how bad he wants it to, its just not going to work. Sometimes you can love a person and i still may not work.

There are several things that hold a marriage together, and you need each and everyone. If one or a couple of those things go...its just not the same, and it wont work. Think of car...You need everything there to make it run, without a tire, it wont go. Without a fuel, without brakes ect...no matter how minor or great you need them ALL.

When he did that, he took SEVERAL things away. And is now going oh $hit...wait..I want the car to run..I want it back. But its a one time deal. If it were so easy to repair and fix those MAJOR things he did, then it wouldnt be so hard and hurtful...those things that are easier to fix are white lies, or a communication problems, or IN LAW issues...not what HE did.

I think you need to gather up your smiles, and be happy to know that YOU did all you could. And that even tho hes trying...its just still not going to work. Id walk away with peace knowing it wasnt even you first off, and accepting that what he did was far to burnt to even dig thru the ashes for.

You'll do fine, especially knowing you didnt do any of this. It will make you stronger, and have a so-much-happier relationship in the future. Im excited for you..knowing that you'll be on your way to true happiness soon, while the rest of us sit here and debate if we've given it our all.

You have. Go and live life
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