My husband has totally checked out of the relationship
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-08-2009, 06:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 280
Default My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

Things haven't improved since my last post (Divorce because of a job). We do have an appointment set up with a marriage counselor, the day before our 4th anniversary (yipee).

However, I have this huge overwhelming fear that my husband has totally checked out of our marriage. I would be willing to bet that he has looked into lawyers, how he'll rearrange our house once I'm out, and the type of chick he'll want to date. He's already told me about all the great and wonderful things he'd like to do (coach little league, go on more vacations to see his college buddies) that he says I wouldn't let him do. Funny thing is, he's never mentioned any of these ideas in the 6 years I've known him.

I keep hope in the fact that he was the one to set up our counseling session. But I feel that the only reason he set up counseling is to "soften the blow" for me because he wants a divorce. My question is why even go to counseling when you're so checked out of our marriage? How is counseling even going to help when you're already gone?? Save the money!

I knew our marriage had issues. But I didn't realize they were so big they required us to get a divorce. Life just really sucks right now.
mls31 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-08-2009, 08:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,295
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

Try to work with what you do know and not what you perceieve and of course make your own exit plan.
Don't let your imagination make things worse.
preso is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-08-2009, 09:20 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,640
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

I remember reading your thread...

My H was like yours, but took 24 years to get there, checked out and disconnected.

MC was a waste as he wasn't engaged fully. You will be able to tell after a few sessions. I believe at first my H went to "try" but was half hearted in his attempt. Later in the MC it was to gather enough strength to say things to me with a referee present.

I really am not a bad person. I am not a fighter or yeller. I allow him to speak. He was so anxiety ridden about telling me anything.

What kind of conversation have you had? ARe you able to be forthright with each other?
Corpuswife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-09-2009, 09:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 280
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

We had our first real conversation (over the phone) in several days. We were civil, honest and we actually listened.

I learned that he has stopped wearing his wedding ring and wants to divorce.

We both agreed that we have hurt each other very badly and we want to move forward.

I am afraid that counseling will be a waste of time since he is so set on getting a divorce. But I asked him if he would be willing to go in with an open mind and give our marriage one last try. He meekly said okay.

At this point, I'm not even sure our marriage is salvageable. To me it feels like I've been rejected over and over for the last 4 years since he ALWAYS put his job before me and never wanted to spend much time together. Maybe I'm seeing the light too. But I'm willing to try one more time.
mls31 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-10-2009, 01:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,640
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

It's difficult. You just need to do what make you feel better. Know that you tried it all. MC is often a waste when they are disengaged. You are right.

It's heartbreaking to live through something like this....
Corpuswife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-10-2009, 09:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,400
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

Since he's not yet divorced, doesn't he think that taking off his ring is disrespectful? He's still married.

I'm very sorry for what you're experiencing. Bet there's someone else in the picture.
dobo is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-10-2009, 04:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 280
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

I do find it disrespectful that he's stopped wearing his ring. It's probably one of the most hurtful things he has done. But I know I'm not going to be able to change his decision.

He's assured me there is no one else. I believe him but I'm not so convinced that doesn't have a backup plan somewhere. He just hasn't enacted it yet.
mls31 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-12-2009, 09:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 280
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

I am home this weekend and last night we sat down face to face and actually talked. It helped to talk about things without getting into a heated argument but I'm still VERY confused.

I told him that for the last 3 years I've felt like I've always been number 2 or 3 in his life. His job was always number 1 and his parents number 2. He said he was sorry and didn't realize I felt like that and didn't want me to feel like that. HOWEVER, he is still picking his job over me since he is unwilling to move because of his "dream job."

He also still wants to be my best friend. To which I said, if we get a divorce, I'm moving on and hope to find someone who will put me first in their life. That had to hurt.

He still thinks a divorce is the best way to go. I'm leaning towards that too but I'm not sue. I still have hope that things can change and work out for us. He still wants to go to counseling. I just don't want us to rush into a divorce and then one of us ends up having major regret.
mls31 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-12-2009, 03:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,640
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

That talk probably helped a bunch...

However, you both have a tough decision ahead.

It doesn't sound like he will do any changing. I guess either you change and stay or don't change and leave????
Corpuswife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-12-2009, 10:09 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 280
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

I left today. After our talk last night I realized several things that aren't making me happy:

-Through all of our talking, my husband refuses to change or even look at our situation differently. He is picking his job over me...AGAIN.
-He told me that his mom wants to apply to a job she found in our local paper (meaning she would have to move 4 hours to our area). He laughed about it, but why bring it up when you know I want to move to be closer to our families?
-Our dog has fleas! I noticed last night when we were talking that the dog was scratching an awful lot. I noticed today he was covered in fleas. Makes me even angrier because I had just bought some Frontline for the cat and dog. Not hard to apply!!
-He hadn't mowed the lawn in the 2 weeks I've been gone. I realize that was usually my job but how about having a little pride in what you own?
-I'm tired of being rejected.

So I gathered up some clothes, the dog and my cat and I got the heck out. I'm with my parents. He should be happy now because he got rid of all of the "distractions" in his life and can now fully focus on his dream job. AGGGGGHHHH!

And yet deep down I felt a little sad and upset that he would be coming home to an empty house tonight. I don't know where to go from here.
mls31 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-13-2009, 12:00 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,640
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

So sorry..it has come to this...it seems that he has had his mind set. So quick.

There is nothing for you to do but work on the things that are best for you. Maybe he will come around or maybe you won't want him to after you get the distance between you. Sometimes the distance will allow you to think about things clearly.
Corpuswife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-13-2009, 09:28 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 280
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

If I were him and I came home from work to find my wife, dog and cat gone, I would be completely devastated. But maybe that's the difference between me and him. All he can think about is himself.

At this point, he's telling me that this is his true self and he's finally understands what he wants. If that is true, I don't want any part of him.

It just hurts so much to think someone could throw away their love, house and life they've worked so hard for so fast. I still don't understand how it all happened.
mls31 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-13-2009, 10:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,640
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

The one that doesn't want to work on the marriage and is already checked out...is the selfish one.

The difficult part is thinking that you know your H and finding out that you really don't. The H that you married doesn't exist anymore.

I'm sure he thinks the grass is greener. They all do. We will see won't we?
Corpuswife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-14-2009, 05:59 AM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 20
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

Feel the sadness, heartache, anger, resentment and any other emotion you are going thru.

Then move on ...... as long as you try you will find what you are looking for.
And be conscious about how you'd do it again differently. As your H is changed, you have also changed too.
variety is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-15-2009, 05:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 280
Default Re: My husband has totally checked out of the relationship

I received an email today from my husband. He is totally pissed off that I left over the weekend. He doesn't understand why. He thought things were better after our heart to heart talk on Friday evening. Now he's saying he doesn't understand why we should go to counseling after I told him his priorities are out of line and that he seems unwilling to change.

He also told me he found a place online where we can file for divorce... as long as we agree on how to divide up our stuff. He said I could have our dog (which he originally said he'd fight me over). He would even print out the papers and have them waiting for me when I come home.

Sounds lovely, doesn't it?

Now I'm really torn. I did feel slightly better after talking to him on Friday but I realized that he is dead set in staying at his job and doesn't want me around. What am I to do?? He won't think of moving and he won't let me quit my job. Now I'm not sure if he'll even go to counseling or if he'll ever talk to me again. I'm afraid this will get really, really bad. I just want him to realize that it doesn't have to be this way. And I want him to know how hurt I am. I am falling apart.
mls31 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Has She Checked Out? maddecent Coping with Infidelity 9 03-02-2012 10:04 PM
Wife & husband totally naked Snooring Sex in Marriage 15 04-06-2011 10:45 PM
Pretty new relationship - our disagreements the last thing to be checked off tpb72 General Relationship Discussion 3 02-24-2011 08:44 PM
I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband? superwoman General Relationship Discussion 39 01-17-2011 10:20 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:37 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.