We're friends and great roommates but nothing more
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 09-23-2009, 01:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation We're friends and great roommates but nothing more

I've been married to my wife for 6.5 years. We got married 8 months into the relationship. I am 34 and she just turned 49 (but doesn't look a day older than me). She came with a lot of baggage, a divorce and an 18 year relationship she had after the divorce with a man she did not marry. Both her prior relationships were of an abusive nature both mentally and physically and I witnessed the intimidation and verbal abuse she endured in her last relationship.

I've never had a real relationship before in my life. She was the one and only. I came into the relationship mature (business like) but not mature as far as sex, love, intimacy and feelings etc goes. I did come with my own baggage: I came from a troubled home. My dad was abusive, mostly verbal but sometimes physically. My mom, because of her troubled relationship with my dad ingrained in us that sex and intimacy were dirty, animal like. To never get married or have a girlfriend.

We met through the business that I co-owned and became friends. After my partnership failed and the business closed, I started working for her and our relationship took off fast.

I never did have a girlfriend prior to me marrying my wife.

My wife has always done everything in her power to love me, honor and cherish me. She says, and I believe her, that she always has been faithful to me. I have always been faithful to her as well. But I have also taken her for granted. I have never abused her never had an argument either. I have not been intimate with her in 4 years and before that sporadically with her being the one taking the initiative. She doesn't feel loved by me and feels rejected.

When I tell her that I love her, she tells me that she knows that I love her but that I also love my animals and truck and that my love for her falls into the same category. I don't think it is. I do love her and think that she's amazing! But I have to admit that I haven't had the in-love feelings for quite some time.

There are other factors that are stressfull in our relationship such as finances due to me loosing a very good job and being unable to find even a minimum wage job. She also lost her great paying job but was able to get a job with the same company working in the office for 50% less. We're just barely hanging on.

Another stressor is the fact that her dad is really sick and needs help but also wants her company because he's lonely since his wife died. We recently also lost a couple of other family members.

On top of that she has real depression issues on occasion and I do to as of recently since loosing my job as a pilot.

I agree that our relationship needs a change. As she puts it, we are friends and really good roommates. And I have to agree with her. It's not what I want for our relationship but it is. I owe her so much more than I have given her! She's a real sweetheart.

Last week I bought her roses and a nice card. I could see that that really touched her. She was close to crying but held it in and said: “that's nice, that's really nice of you”. I know she still loves me.

She told me 3 weeks ago that she wanted a divorce and again yesterday. She says that I am really a nice guy but she doesn't feel loved or wanted. She thinks it's her and doesn't believe me when I tell her it's not her but me and my fears and issues. She says that she is not worthy of love and that I will be happier without her. That I deserve someone that loves me and who I can be intimate with. That she has tried everything and that she's been rejected for years. She no longer wants to be married to me or anybody else and says it's too late to fix it. She doesn't want counseling, she wants a divorce and she has already gone to an attorney to obtain advice. She also wants me to move out.

She has really pulled back from me over the last few months but in particularly the last month. I miss her. I miss the hugs. I miss talking to her.

I need advice on how to stay married to my wife, how to proceed with getting our relationship jump started, to get the passion back. I do NOT want a divorce. My wife has been my best friend and confidante for years. I want to give our relationship and marriage a chance by working on me and being a better husband.

Last edited by Sixand1/2years; 09-23-2009 at 01:39 PM.
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Old 09-23-2009, 07:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: We're friends and great roommates but nothing more

I wrote her a letter and we talked this evening. She says I'm a great guy, appreciates the fact that I've never been mean to her, was never abusive etc. She still loves me...

But she also wants to continue with the divorce.

She says that her views of marriage are different, unobtainable by me. She says she doesn't want the marriage contract. Wants a divorce. That she has build up her wall and that there is NO chance to for us.

I'm lost
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Old 09-24-2009, 09:26 AM   #3 (permalink)
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93 views but no responses. Are we that doomed?

Or do you guy's need more info?

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Old 09-24-2009, 09:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: We're friends and great roommates but nothing more

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Originally Posted by Sixand1/2years View Post
I have not been intimate with her in 4 years and before that sporadically with her being the one taking the initiative. She doesn't feel loved by me and feels rejected.
This says a lot. 4 years is an incredibly long time to go without sex in a marriage. And the fact she always initiated sounds like she just gave up trying at some point. I've read many men in your wife's position on this site and many have said a sexless marriage feels like a loveless marriage to them.

If you have a great aversion to sex, it may be something you want to get help with if it is something you want to change. Otherwise, be honest about it in future relationships.

There's not a whole lot you can do at this point, if she has made up her mind and is not willing to give the marriage another shot.
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Old 09-24-2009, 02:54 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: We're friends and great roommates but nothing more

Why are you not having sex? Why aren't you the one getting help? Do you really expect anyone to be happy in this situation for as long as she has been in it?

This is a marriage, not a friendship.
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Old 09-25-2009, 07:30 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: We're friends and great roommates but nothing more

Sorry but I agree with the other posters

it sounds like a bit of a sad situation ...

no sex?

I can't imagine how unloved I would feel if I were your wife....

I think it is time for you to get to a counsellor
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Old 09-25-2009, 07:38 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: We're friends and great roommates but nothing more

No Sex=Friendship. That's why she views you that way. I can't blame her either. I am sure she wants to feel love in an intimate way..
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Old 09-25-2009, 09:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I am going to call you out on this : if you didn't want a sexual relationship, you had no right to marry her.

I've had it up to my eyeballs with people who aren't into sex getting married.

It isn't fair. It isn't right. It is stealing.
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Old 09-25-2009, 09:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I am going to call you out on this : if you didn't want a sexual relationship, you had no right to marry her.

I've had it up to my eyeballs with people who aren't into sex getting married.

It isn't fair. It isn't right. It is stealing.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

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Old 09-25-2009, 02:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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So I'm just going to say that your wife has to have SOME responsibility in this... I get all the people saying it isn't fair to marry her when you didn't want to have sex... BUT my guess is that she had some sort of clue about the sex issue prior to being married, and yet, she got married to you anyway.
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Old 09-25-2009, 02:02 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Also there are a lot of ways to be intimate, only one of which is sexual intimacy. Love can be shown in many an intimate way, including talking, sharing, hand-holding, cuddling, kissing, not just sex... so are you doing any of the other stuff to show her how much you love her?
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Old 09-25-2009, 02:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: We're friends and great roommates but nothing more

Even if he does all of those things, they don't replace sex. And they don't make a marriage. They make a very close, loving friendship.

And I bet she had a clue, too, but she put it down to his inexperience and thought he'd warm up to the idea.

But what did he ever do to try to fix himself? Or did he even lie about his interest and try to fake it, like too many low-to-no sex people do?
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Old 09-25-2009, 02:43 PM   #13 (permalink)
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First, I suppose both of us are making some pretty big assumptions. That she knew prior to getting married or that she chalked it up to inexperience. If he was honest about his past, my guess is that she would have realized it would take more than just some warming up to the idea before sex would be great. He hasn't offered any information in regards to what he has done, or she has done, to help fix "their" lack of sex in the marriage, but I refuse to think this all falls on his shoulders. When you marry you are a team and as such, one person's problem needs both people to help in the solution. And yes, those things do not replace sex, but often times, being intimate in other ways leads to it.
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Old 09-25-2009, 02:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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On a separate note, in regards to the low-to-no sex people faking it or lying about interest. My guess is that for the most part there are a variety of other things going on that has led them to that point. And that the other things, if not a medical issue, stem from the relationship, including their partner's behaviors, actions, et, not just from themselves. And maybe they are not sure how to go about fixing it, or even communicating it to their partner. Just some thoughts.
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Old 09-25-2009, 03:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Well, having been there with someone who certainly didn't understand a lot about himself, he also did a lot of lying and making excuses and saying it'd get better and blah, blah, blah. But without significant pushing, it never would have gone anywhere if I didn't put my foot down.

The other spouse can only do so much. So like it or not, it falls on the person with the problem to do the lion's share of the work. A partnership is only 50:50 if both partners have 50% of the ability to do the work.

It isn't that I don't understand that the guy has some problems. But they are HIS problems that he brought into the marriage. And surely he's not surprised that she is where she is now. So whether or not he understand why he is the way he is is not the question -- it is why he hasn't fixed the problem in 6.5 years.
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