We're friends and great roommates but nothing more
I've been married to my wife for 6.5 years. We got married 8 months into the relationship. I am 34 and she just turned 49 (but doesn't look a day older than me). She came with a lot of baggage, a divorce and an 18 year relationship she had after the divorce with a man she did not marry. Both her prior relationships were of an abusive nature both mentally and physically and I witnessed the intimidation and verbal abuse she endured in her last relationship.
I've never had a real relationship before in my life. She was the one and only. I came into the relationship mature (business like) but not mature as far as sex, love, intimacy and feelings etc goes. I did come with my own baggage: I came from a troubled home. My dad was abusive, mostly verbal but sometimes physically. My mom, because of her troubled relationship with my dad ingrained in us that sex and intimacy were dirty, animal like. To never get married or have a girlfriend.
We met through the business that I co-owned and became friends. After my partnership failed and the business closed, I started working for her and our relationship took off fast.
I never did have a girlfriend prior to me marrying my wife.
My wife has always done everything in her power to love me, honor and cherish me. She says, and I believe her, that she always has been faithful to me. I have always been faithful to her as well. But I have also taken her for granted. I have never abused her never had an argument either. I have not been intimate with her in 4 years and before that sporadically with her being the one taking the initiative. She doesn't feel loved by me and feels rejected.
When I tell her that I love her, she tells me that she knows that I love her but that I also love my animals and truck and that my love for her falls into the same category. I don't think it is. I do love her and think that she's amazing! But I have to admit that I haven't had the in-love feelings for quite some time.
There are other factors that are stressfull in our relationship such as finances due to me loosing a very good job and being unable to find even a minimum wage job. She also lost her great paying job but was able to get a job with the same company working in the office for 50% less. We're just barely hanging on.
Another stressor is the fact that her dad is really sick and needs help but also wants her company because he's lonely since his wife died. We recently also lost a couple of other family members.
On top of that she has real depression issues on occasion and I do to as of recently since loosing my job as a pilot.
I agree that our relationship needs a change. As she puts it, we are friends and really good roommates. And I have to agree with her. It's not what I want for our relationship but it is. I owe her so much more than I have given her! She's a real sweetheart.
Last week I bought her roses and a nice card. I could see that that really touched her. She was close to crying but held it in and said: “that's nice, that's really nice of you”. I know she still loves me.
She told me 3 weeks ago that she wanted a divorce and again yesterday. She says that I am really a nice guy but she doesn't feel loved or wanted. She thinks it's her and doesn't believe me when I tell her it's not her but me and my fears and issues. She says that she is not worthy of love and that I will be happier without her. That I deserve someone that loves me and who I can be intimate with. That she has tried everything and that she's been rejected for years. She no longer wants to be married to me or anybody else and says it's too late to fix it. She doesn't want counseling, she wants a divorce and she has already gone to an attorney to obtain advice. She also wants me to move out.
She has really pulled back from me over the last few months but in particularly the last month. I miss her. I miss the hugs. I miss talking to her.
I need advice on how to stay married to my wife, how to proceed with getting our relationship jump started, to get the passion back. I do NOT want a divorce. My wife has been my best friend and confidante for years. I want to give our relationship and marriage a chance by working on me and being a better husband.
Last edited by Sixand1/2years; 09-23-2009 at 02:39 PM.