Hello I’m Sunray and here’s my story, shortened as much as possible.
My husband (H) and I have been married for 12 years, together for 15. We have 2 daughters both under the age of 10. My H has SEVERE anger management issues, which he fully acknowledges. He also has this “sense” that everything should be “just so” or “Just so” the way he sees it.
He has called my horrible names, makes me the butt of his jokes in public and private and belittles me or “calls me out” in public settings (parties, weddings, at my job, in the grocery store). Things were rough from the beginning, but I thought this was normal as I was 21 and he was 28 and would beg him to stop “being mean to me” and he informed me that it’s normal for couples not get along, and I thought he was sooo smart.
Things got really bad after our 1st daughter was born and I became a stay at home mom. Nothing was ever clean enough, I wasn’t allowed to be tired because I wasn’t working and basically everything I did was questioned and criticized. I felt like a free loader off of him as he would always compare me to other mothers that work and why couldn’t I. I would ask to go to ( c) because I felt he wouldn’t listen to me every time I told him he was hurting me he would say “you’re to sensitive, you blow everything out of proportion and I am the way I am, deal with it, no we are not going to counseling we’re normal and fine.” He told me the reason he gets so angry is because I pi** him off, so basically stop pi**ing him off. Problem is everything pi**es him off.
I would try and please him, kept the house clean as possible, cooked his favorite foods, is frugal with $$ and after our 2nd daughter I started working part time. Things didn’t get better it got worse. I started resenting him. I couldn’t talk to him about ANYTHING finances, kids, friends without him yelling at me or telling me to fu** off, go fu** myself in front of children mind you. Having sex with him was impossible, I would “perform my wifely duties” weekly but felt violated and repulsed the entire time. He would pressure me into doing things I wasn’t comfortable with because I don’t trust him and have spent the last 8 years of our marriage trying to stay out of his way and stay on his good side.
Somewhere some how a voice inside my head said I COULD NO LONGER LIVE LIKE THIS! I told his again I wanted to go to counseling and once again I was told the same things stated earlier but this time I told him that I want out of this marriage. He threw a fit! Verbally calling me every name in the book, throwing things, screaming out of control but I stood my ground. (all in front of our preschool aged daughter btw). He finally agreed to go.
We’ve been in counseling (C) for months. Nothing has helped other than I have a safe place to say things to him. He is listening but thinks I’m going through a phase. In March I insisted on a separation his behavior has not changed and has become worse as I no longer cow to him, We are in a in-house separation as he refuses to leave 50% of the time, I leave 50% of the time and the kids stay 100% of time. I’ve been in individual counseling myself and learning how to speak up and not let him control me with his threats and anger any longer.
He thinks I’m going through a phase and not taking it seriously. He believes I’ll never leave as I’m a woman of faith and he just thinks I’ll never leave, He is incorrect about this. My faith has kept me in this for so long yes, but my commitment is not a license to be a punching bag for his frustrations and I know if I stay it will kill me. I already have severe anxiety issues, heart disease and stomach problems. I also know I will never willingly let him touch me again.
I’m here because through counseling I’ve been trying to tell him that it’s over, which he either A.) refuses to hear or B.) is in total denial. I just told him that he is not invited to go to my parent’s cottage over the summer and I told him that there is a high probability that we may not end up together. He still thinks that things are not going to change. I fear telling him flat out it’s over because he’s so unstable. I feel I’m taking baby steps because we still live together and he can be very vindictive and mean. I want what’s best for our kids, and feel staying together is not it.
I’m asking for advice on how to proceed not to stay.
Thank you for taking time to read this thread.
Sunray
My husband (H) and I have been married for 12 years, together for 15. We have 2 daughters both under the age of 10. My H has SEVERE anger management issues, which he fully acknowledges. He also has this “sense” that everything should be “just so” or “Just so” the way he sees it.
He has called my horrible names, makes me the butt of his jokes in public and private and belittles me or “calls me out” in public settings (parties, weddings, at my job, in the grocery store). Things were rough from the beginning, but I thought this was normal as I was 21 and he was 28 and would beg him to stop “being mean to me” and he informed me that it’s normal for couples not get along, and I thought he was sooo smart.
Things got really bad after our 1st daughter was born and I became a stay at home mom. Nothing was ever clean enough, I wasn’t allowed to be tired because I wasn’t working and basically everything I did was questioned and criticized. I felt like a free loader off of him as he would always compare me to other mothers that work and why couldn’t I. I would ask to go to ( c) because I felt he wouldn’t listen to me every time I told him he was hurting me he would say “you’re to sensitive, you blow everything out of proportion and I am the way I am, deal with it, no we are not going to counseling we’re normal and fine.” He told me the reason he gets so angry is because I pi** him off, so basically stop pi**ing him off. Problem is everything pi**es him off.
I would try and please him, kept the house clean as possible, cooked his favorite foods, is frugal with $$ and after our 2nd daughter I started working part time. Things didn’t get better it got worse. I started resenting him. I couldn’t talk to him about ANYTHING finances, kids, friends without him yelling at me or telling me to fu** off, go fu** myself in front of children mind you. Having sex with him was impossible, I would “perform my wifely duties” weekly but felt violated and repulsed the entire time. He would pressure me into doing things I wasn’t comfortable with because I don’t trust him and have spent the last 8 years of our marriage trying to stay out of his way and stay on his good side.
Somewhere some how a voice inside my head said I COULD NO LONGER LIVE LIKE THIS! I told his again I wanted to go to counseling and once again I was told the same things stated earlier but this time I told him that I want out of this marriage. He threw a fit! Verbally calling me every name in the book, throwing things, screaming out of control but I stood my ground. (all in front of our preschool aged daughter btw). He finally agreed to go.
We’ve been in counseling (C) for months. Nothing has helped other than I have a safe place to say things to him. He is listening but thinks I’m going through a phase. In March I insisted on a separation his behavior has not changed and has become worse as I no longer cow to him, We are in a in-house separation as he refuses to leave 50% of the time, I leave 50% of the time and the kids stay 100% of time. I’ve been in individual counseling myself and learning how to speak up and not let him control me with his threats and anger any longer.
He thinks I’m going through a phase and not taking it seriously. He believes I’ll never leave as I’m a woman of faith and he just thinks I’ll never leave, He is incorrect about this. My faith has kept me in this for so long yes, but my commitment is not a license to be a punching bag for his frustrations and I know if I stay it will kill me. I already have severe anxiety issues, heart disease and stomach problems. I also know I will never willingly let him touch me again.
I’m here because through counseling I’ve been trying to tell him that it’s over, which he either A.) refuses to hear or B.) is in total denial. I just told him that he is not invited to go to my parent’s cottage over the summer and I told him that there is a high probability that we may not end up together. He still thinks that things are not going to change. I fear telling him flat out it’s over because he’s so unstable. I feel I’m taking baby steps because we still live together and he can be very vindictive and mean. I want what’s best for our kids, and feel staying together is not it.
I’m asking for advice on how to proceed not to stay.
Thank you for taking time to read this thread.
Sunray