dobo

Good job. Now the hard work begins! Good luck!

Big_D

OK, well counseling was interesting, first time I never saw a shrink. New a few who became shrinks from college, but never actually did it. Interesting.

I was kicked in the groin last night by the counselor basically supporting that she is changing and “I am relationship ignorant… really a disability that it is not my fault” She needs to help me catch up with her and it was not my fault. Not sure if that will happen she is pretty darn stubborn when it comes to it.

Also, by me trying to “fix” everything as “all guys do” we come across as controlling and over bearing, (No SH*T). But that may help that information I found useful…I may not try to I anything right now. I have had allot of time to think about this today, and I think I will be civil, but not inquisitive or domineering.

She finally slept last night for the first time in three weeks (glad someone did). Also found out as suspected the collapse really escalated in August. The financial is impacting, but what I was surprised about was that nothing about her turning 40. I can’t believe it because she has been different for the last nine months. All our friends have had problems similar to this, and even older woman friends in my family admitted to being more flirtatious at this change.

He did focus on her feeling of being controlled for a long time and even from her father, this was leading somewhere and I thought maybe that is why independent sessions would do more good (I am questioning that today… thoughts?).

We have two more sessions free, and we elected to do them separately. She has some issues she is holding back, and I surely didn’t throw her under the bus for the EA on FB.
She actually seemed happy I think last night that she wasn’t crazy…

I am so exhausted, tired, my heart absolutely hurts, with no family for either of us within 2500 miles, I can say not being able to hug her for my benefit and for hers is killing me.

During the session she said she is afraid that if she does touch me she will fall back into the “pit”, so touching me is a risk so that is why she won’t show any affection. She did say that she was undecided on the Divorce, but 99% sure she wanted to proceed.

I am so tired and sad I think tomorrow is a sick day, my productivity has absolutely gone to wind, can’t concentrate more then 20 minutes on any given project.

Three-day weekend and some Halloween decorting should be fun. Use to be our favorite holiday.

Hanging in there another day...
Big_D

elscotto

I just went through EVERYTHING you reference Big_D. My wife--'scuse me ex-wife is still in the infatuation phase. You are going to have a tough time ever competing with someone who doesn't have to be real. She doesn't snap at him, she doesn't listen to him snore etc... she only sees his good points. Unfortunately, it takes moving on and forcing the prince charming to live up to the image sometimes before the facade crumbles. All too often that is past the point of restoring normalcy in yours, hers, and the kids life.

If you are not willing to wait out the storm (and there is always a chance that it won't be a passing storm) then you need to make some decisions. I wrestled with EVERY thing. She doesn't want to fix your marriage at this point. As bad as it sounds to hear this--and I heard the exact same words and harshness from my wife is that she is INCAPABLE of loving you or considering that she ever WILL be able to love you--right now the marriage bonds are broken between you and you are applying logic while she is applying emotion.

Its ugly ugly ugly.

Get the book Betrayal of Intimacy and go to the romantic affairs chapter and read about yourself. I swear I read through that and can plot the timelines of our marriage breaking down within days and weeks.

Sorry Bro for this but above all else you did nothing wrong and you need to understand that. She has made and continues to make poor decisions and sometimes you can't protect people from themselves.

elscotto

Just read your last comment Big_D. This is a textbook scripting. She is deliberately sending you confusing messages because if she acknowledges any responsibility for this then she'd have to fix this. The two of you are in the "Blamelessness" phase of this all where she sees you as a controlling person etc.....That's what she is telling your counselor and that the two of you have "changed" and "grown apart" over the years and are very different people. Now, what she will probably say if not already is that "the marriage may have never been right from the beginning" and this is going to be a kick in the teeth BUT she needs to rationalize the damage she is causing and the only way to do this is to justify this. Think about it--she is acting so selfishly right now that she is willing to make her bad choices really your fault. It might be a while before she sees herself in the wrong but eventually she will.