About 2 years ago, my husband & I decided to quit smoking, and, knowing how hard it is to quit, we decided to do it seperately. One of us would stay 'grounded' while the other went nuts. He quit first.
We showed each other a lot of support, which strengthened our marraige. Or so I thought. The problem was, I stayed quit and he didn't. He lied over & over & over about it.
I wasn't upset because he was smoking again. It's the b.s. he pulled around the house in order to find a few minutes to get out & smoke. I mean, when I thought he was being thoughtful because he took a trip to the store for me, it was only so he could get out & smoke. Or if he took our dog for an extra long walk, it wasn't so I could have the house to myself, like he suggested. It was so he could smoke.
Not only that, his mood changed. He'd start the dumbest arguments because he felt guilty. And when he came home from work, I wouldn't get a kiss hello because he was afraid I'd smell the smoke on him.
When I finally "caught" him, I wasn't too upset; I know how hard it is to quit. But then he'd say he was going to quit again. He'd get the patch & I'd be supportive of him. And I'd catch him smoking again. We went through this cycle about 8 times in the last 2 years: support, trust, then the lies.
He doesn't understand that it's not the smoking that's upset me. It's the lying about it. When I'd catch him, he'd deny, deny, deny it, and then try to make me feel like I was some kind of nut job or something for finding the obvious right in front of my face.
Frankly, I'm exhausted from it. I don't trust him anymore. I do not feel secure in this marraige. I mean, if he'll lie about this, he'll lie about anything, right? My marraige is falling apart and I'm starting to wonder if I'm being unreasonable.
In other ways, he's a very nice man, albeit sometimes weak. I miss the husband I used to have ... the one that I could trust.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Re: Am I Being Unreasonable?
As a former smoker (17 years and holding) no one can make some one else quit. One must make that decision for themselves. Tell him to quit playing games and smoke if he wants. He’s not fooling anyone. Ask him not to smoke around you or the kids and keep it out of the house for your health. Sounds like he’s already established a pattern. As for the lying about it there may be other trust issues there and I don’t condone lying between partners but it’s not a major deception as far as I can see. Are there other factors you are worried about? Congrats on quitting. You’ll be happier and healthier without the butts.
To Liza: Good point. Thank you. To Amplexor: I've told him if it's that much of a battle, then he must not be ready to quit. But, he'll be 64 next week (I'm 47) and none of us are getting any younger. Will it ever be "the right time" to quit?
He even told me, more than once, to "bust my ass" if I were to catch him smoking again. I thought about it, then refused, telling him that I am not his mother, not his babysitter, etc., and I'm especially not going to be the bad guy if & when I do "bust him."
As for other trust issues, I don't know what they are. This is his 3rd marraige, my first. Both of his prior marraiges split up due to infidelity. They were cheating on him, not vice-versa.
He doesn't want to quit, so just tell him to stop fooling himself and you. Tell him you don't CARE if he wants to carry on smoking, just not to do it in the house and near the kids, as Amplexor has said.
Unless deep down he is ready, then it's never going to happen. Smoking is an addiction, and often a prop for a weakness. Is there something else causing him stress that makes him seek the 'comfort' of a cigarette?
To Stav: To be perfectly honest with you, I have no idea what could be causing the extra stress. He does, however, have a bad habit of thinking too much and "allowing" too little. What I mean is, he'll have this internal dialog, as we all do, as to how a conversation is going to go. Inside, he'll work himself into a frenzy, getting upset before a word is discussed about it, like he'll already know the outcome. His imagination or negativity will take him in the wrong direction. I've tried to get him to "allow" things to happen, rather than worry them to death.
To Draconis: I've tried that many times. He'll thank me for being supportive, I'll reiterate how important honesty is to a marraige and things will be great for a week or two. Then, he'll do it again; he'll lie about smoking.
It does sound like this worrying at a particular scene is what is driving him to the cigarettes. Perhaps some sort of relaxation therapy might help. something that will teach him to recognise the things he can do nothing about and stop fretting.
There is a saying by St Francis.. (not that I am religious)
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
It seems that perhaps he worries and works himself up about things he can do nothing about, so perhaps some sort of relaxation, anti stress type therapy would be of benefit. There are people on here who would know what might be suitable. Perhaps someone can advise.
Maybe Yoga or some sort of simple meditation, to soothe his restless mind?
He may ask his doctor about Chantix it is the latest greatest in quit smoking and many people swear by it I have seen it really work but it takes a month to quit with no side effects and you need very little will power.