Who is this guy, and where's the man I agreed to marry?
My now-husband and I had to live in two separate countries for a couple of years. On a brief visit home, about a year ago, we had a courthouse wedding. About six months later, on another brief visit, we had a wedding ceremony (for our relatives) and a honeymoon.
About four months ago, my husband got a job in the metro area I live in. I thought, "Hooray! We can finally live together!!" The experience of actually living together has been a rude shock. Here's what's been happening. I don't know how to fix any of this. I feel like I've tried everything I can, and I'm really considering moving out. I'd hate to give up so early, though, especially after all we've been through in the past two years. I'd be very, very grateful for any advice or insight you could give me:
1) He refuses to sleep in the same bed with me, ever again.
Even though, when we lived together (before he had to move abroad), we shared a bed, he says that he never wants to do so again. He says that I'm greedy for constant contact, that he needs his own space, and that I bring lots of chaos and anxiety into his life. He says that when I become calmer, quieter, more organized, and learn when the hell to leave him alone, that we might be able to share a bed on some nights. Maybe. If I'm very, very good and deserve it.
2) He refuses to share a meal with me.
He hates the way I chew. (I'd be open to reconsidering my table manners, only no-one else has complained. Ever. Including my mother and grandmother, who are pretty fastidious about this stuff!)
He says the sound of my chewing is like fingernails on a chalkboard to him. He also hates my hand gestures, the way I sit, and the fact that I like to converse during dinner. Oh, and he's now revealed that he hates my cooking. He's eaten it many times before, but now he says that he never liked most of it, but he put up with it to be with me. He says that now that he's married, he "doesn't have to put up with [your] crap." If he walks into a room to ask me something, and I'm chewing or eating anything, he gets an instant look of revulsion on his face. He turns around, walks out, and stiffly tells me to come see him when I'm not "stuffing my face, yet again."
3) He hates my weight.
Yes, over the past year, I've gained a lot of weight (about 30 pounds.) But I gained it because I worked like crazy at a pretty sedentary and stressful job, for about 12 to 14 hours a day, 6 to 7 days a week, for months and months, to make sure we could be together afterward. (We had some immigration issues, and I thought we might need a good lawyer and some savings, in case my husband couldn't get his work visa for a while. I made much more money than he did, and I tried to shove in as many billable hours as possible.)
Every time I eat anything, my husband complains that I'm fat as it is, and that I'm well on my way to becoming huge and disgusting. He makes fun of my belly, my thighs, and the fact that I've now got a slight double chin. Yes, I'd like to lose the weight myself, and I'm actively working at that. His constant insults about my body don't exactly make me feel all that supported in my battle of the bulge.
4) He complains about lots of little things I do.
I would love to go through an entire day without a single complaint or negative comment about me. Just once. So far, no dice. In the lousy four months we've been living together as a real married couple, he's complained about all of the following:
The way I sit, the way I stand, the way I chew (see #2), the way I make eye contact, the way I don't look at him enough, the way I dress, the way I'm too slow, the way I'm too abrupt, the way I take his criticism of me too seriously, the way I don't take his criticism seriously enough, the way I'm too excitable, the way I'm too placid, the way I'm too this, too that, or not enough of the same. No matter how hard I try to change or make things better for him, he's always very annoyed. And, no matter how hard I try, I'm always wrong. I'm getting very, very sick of this. It's gotten to the point that I feel physically uneasy when he's around. I try to be far away from him for as much of the day as possible.
5) He refuses to wait for me. Ever.
If we make plans to leave the house at 9:00, that means we have to be ready to go by 8:55. If I'm not ready by 8:55, I get yelled at. Oh, and he might just walk out, take the car, and leave me at the house. (We have only one car between us, so being left behind means not being able to go wherever we were going to go.) This has happened twice in the past two months.
If we're at a movie, or at a restaurant, or even just taking a stroll--if I'm not ready to move on at exactly the same time that he is, I get yanked along, pushed along, or left behind. He won't even walk next to me, saying that I walk too slowly, and it annoys him. (The fact that I'm shorter, and take shorter strides, doesn't seem to register with him.) He says that he's waited for me so many times that, from now on, I have to wait for him. I should be ready before he is for everything, because he's never going to wait for me, ever.
6) He considers all forms of physical affection (except straightforward penis-in-vagina sex) or foreplay a waste of time.
He says that now that he's married, he never has to wait for sex again. Oh, and he feels that he doesn't have to warm me up, either. So, after a day of being made to feel like crap, I'm not interested in anything even vaguely like having sex. He then gets angry, claiming that I'm holding out on him. He remembers that I had an enormous sex drive (which was true. Still is, I guess), but refuses to acknowledge me when I say that I need some basic tenderness and humanity to feel comfortable enough to be naked with him. I've pointed out that it's hard for me to relax with someone who can't share his food, his bed, or his time with me, but he claims that I'm "being ridiculous."
All of these things make me feel miserable. I feel stomped on, unloved, and unwanted. Living with my husband is like living with a judgmental and spiteful parent. He wasn't at all like this until we started living together again. I would never have agreed to marry him if he'd been this way, even a little!
I have no idea what to do. He refuses to see a counselor with me at all. He says that I don't understand him, that I have no curiosity or empathy about his experiences abroad, and that I've changed a lot over the last two years. I want to know who this guy in my apartment is, and where the sweet, loving, funny, sexy guy I agreed to marry is!
Re: Who is this guy, and where's the man I agreed to marry?
who knows where he is? The thing is he's gone and the man that you are living with is horrible - I feel very sorry for you but you'd better send this guy back to wherever...change your address and start again.........
Re: Who is this guy, and where's the man I agreed to marry?
Quote:
Originally Posted by knortoh
who knows where he is? The thing is he's gone and the man that you are living with is horrible - I feel very sorry for you but you'd better send this guy back to wherever...change your address and start again.........
Re: Who is this guy, and where's the man I agreed to marry?
This is so abusive it is sick. As a man - I just cannot even begin to grasp treating a woman like this. It is awful beyond words. This is a concerted effort to destroy your self esteem so you will be totally subservient and beg for any scrap of kindness. This cannot be fixed with therapy. No way. There is one - wonderful - beautiful - fantastic - part of this story. Only one. You have no children. Some times these folks keep up the facade until the last child is born. Much harder problem to solve.
You sound delightful. You will find someone nice - who will treat you kindly and love you. Do not even try to fix this. And if ending it causes him an immigration issue - to darn bad. He has forfeited all privileges at this point.
I would be careful though. Not kidding. Like I would have a couple good male friends over when you tell him it is over and either have them move his stuff out and change the locks or your move your stuff out and go somewhere he doesn't know. He might be mature about being dumped - but why risk it. Remember, he already tricked you once with his pre-marital demeanor.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sbbs
My now-husband and I had to live in two separate countries for a couple of years. On a brief visit home, about a year ago, we had a courthouse wedding. About six months later, on another brief visit, we had a wedding ceremony (for our relatives) and a honeymoon.
About four months ago, my husband got a job in the metro area I live in. I thought, "Hooray! We can finally live together!!" The experience of actually living together has been a rude shock. Here's what's been happening. I don't know how to fix any of this. I feel like I've tried everything I can, and I'm really considering moving out. I'd hate to give up so early, though, especially after all we've been through in the past two years. I'd be very, very grateful for any advice or insight you could give me:
1) He refuses to sleep in the same bed with me, ever again.
Even though, when we lived together (before he had to move abroad), we shared a bed, he says that he never wants to do so again. He says that I'm greedy for constant contact, that he needs his own space, and that I bring lots of chaos and anxiety into his life. He says that when I become calmer, quieter, more organized, and learn when the hell to leave him alone, that we might be able to share a bed on some nights. Maybe. If I'm very, very good and deserve it.
2) He refuses to share a meal with me.
He hates the way I chew. (I'd be open to reconsidering my table manners, only no-one else has complained. Ever. Including my mother and grandmother, who are pretty fastidious about this stuff!)
He says the sound of my chewing is like fingernails on a chalkboard to him. He also hates my hand gestures, the way I sit, and the fact that I like to converse during dinner. Oh, and he's now revealed that he hates my cooking. He's eaten it many times before, but now he says that he never liked most of it, but he put up with it to be with me. He says that now that he's married, he "doesn't have to put up with [your] crap." If he walks into a room to ask me something, and I'm chewing or eating anything, he gets an instant look of revulsion on his face. He turns around, walks out, and stiffly tells me to come see him when I'm not "stuffing my face, yet again."
3) He hates my weight.
Yes, over the past year, I've gained a lot of weight (about 30 pounds.) But I gained it because I worked like crazy at a pretty sedentary and stressful job, for about 12 to 14 hours a day, 6 to 7 days a week, for months and months, to make sure we could be together afterward. (We had some immigration issues, and I thought we might need a good lawyer and some savings, in case my husband couldn't get his work visa for a while. I made much more money than he did, and I tried to shove in as many billable hours as possible.)
Every time I eat anything, my husband complains that I'm fat as it is, and that I'm well on my way to becoming huge and disgusting. He makes fun of my belly, my thighs, and the fact that I've now got a slight double chin. Yes, I'd like to lose the weight myself, and I'm actively working at that. His constant insults about my body don't exactly make me feel all that supported in my battle of the bulge.
4) He complains about lots of little things I do.
I would love to go through an entire day without a single complaint or negative comment about me. Just once. So far, no dice. In the lousy four months we've been living together as a real married couple, he's complained about all of the following:
The way I sit, the way I stand, the way I chew (see #2), the way I make eye contact, the way I don't look at him enough, the way I dress, the way I'm too slow, the way I'm too abrupt, the way I take his criticism of me too seriously, the way I don't take his criticism seriously enough, the way I'm too excitable, the way I'm too placid, the way I'm too this, too that, or not enough of the same. No matter how hard I try to change or make things better for him, he's always very annoyed. And, no matter how hard I try, I'm always wrong. I'm getting very, very sick of this. It's gotten to the point that I feel physically uneasy when he's around. I try to be far away from him for as much of the day as possible.
5) He refuses to wait for me. Ever.
If we make plans to leave the house at 9:00, that means we have to be ready to go by 8:55. If I'm not ready by 8:55, I get yelled at. Oh, and he might just walk out, take the car, and leave me at the house. (We have only one car between us, so being left behind means not being able to go wherever we were going to go.) This has happened twice in the past two months.
If we're at a movie, or at a restaurant, or even just taking a stroll--if I'm not ready to move on at exactly the same time that he is, I get yanked along, pushed along, or left behind. He won't even walk next to me, saying that I walk too slowly, and it annoys him. (The fact that I'm shorter, and take shorter strides, doesn't seem to register with him.) He says that he's waited for me so many times that, from now on, I have to wait for him. I should be ready before he is for everything, because he's never going to wait for me, ever.
6) He considers all forms of physical affection (except straightforward penis-in-vagina sex) or foreplay a waste of time.
He says that now that he's married, he never has to wait for sex again. Oh, and he feels that he doesn't have to warm me up, either. So, after a day of being made to feel like crap, I'm not interested in anything even vaguely like having sex. He then gets angry, claiming that I'm holding out on him. He remembers that I had an enormous sex drive (which was true. Still is, I guess), but refuses to acknowledge me when I say that I need some basic tenderness and humanity to feel comfortable enough to be naked with him. I've pointed out that it's hard for me to relax with someone who can't share his food, his bed, or his time with me, but he claims that I'm "being ridiculous."
All of these things make me feel miserable. I feel stomped on, unloved, and unwanted. Living with my husband is like living with a judgmental and spiteful parent. He wasn't at all like this until we started living together again. I would never have agreed to marry him if he'd been this way, even a little!
I have no idea what to do. He refuses to see a counselor with me at all. He says that I don't understand him, that I have no curiosity or empathy about his experiences abroad, and that I've changed a lot over the last two years. I want to know who this guy in my apartment is, and where the sweet, loving, funny, sexy guy I agreed to marry is!
Who is this guy, and where's the man I agreed to marry? 
