Calling All Children of Loveless Marriages
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Old 10-29-2009, 09:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Calling All Children of Loveless Marriages

I posted something to children of divorce as well. On the flip side of things, I'd like to know your thoughts on your parents and staying together (assuming for the kids) despite there being no love. I've heard of people waiting to split up until their kids are raised and these kids (as adults) hold resentment and may have problems with love relationships. Of course going through divorce of parents can really scar a child as well as they grow up, as I know this from experience. I don't want my kids to go through this but I also want them to be able to have a better example of what a loving relationship can be. Also, I'm not sure if the decision were made to divorce whether it's better to wait until kids are older or take the plunge while they're young (I have 3 @ 6 yrs and younger). ...need some insight. Thanks.
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Old 10-31-2009, 09:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Calling All Children of Loveless Marriages

I always said I would never stay married because of my children. But now that I'm living it, I too am trying to decide which is better. I have been told kids will bounce back. I believe I am starting to realize it's better to divorce when they are younger versus waiting because during all those years of waiting, they see the loveless marriage, the hurt, the pain. It is so important that they see healthy relationships. I want nothing more than for my own children to experience that, and unfortunately, it's nothing they have seen between their father and I.
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Old 10-31-2009, 03:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Calling All Children of Loveless Marriages

My parents fought alot...it wasn't the best environment. They divorced when I was 14 and it was extremely rough.

I believe that if my parents could have provided a stable household without constant fighting or addiction problems or abuse then it would have been a better place to grow up with the both of them

Yes. I believe that it would have been better to stay barring those problems (abuse/addiction/fighting).
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Old 11-13-2009, 03:35 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Calling All Children of Loveless Marriages

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Originally Posted by Ataloss View Post
I posted something to children of divorce as well. On the flip side of things, I'd like to know your thoughts on your parents and staying together (assuming for the kids) despite there being no love. I've heard of people waiting to split up until their kids are raised and these kids (as adults) hold resentment and may have problems with love relationships. Of course going through divorce of parents can really scar a child as well as they grow up, as I know this from experience. I don't want my kids to go through this but I also want them to be able to have a better example of what a loving relationship can be. Also, I'm not sure if the decision were made to divorce whether it's better to wait until kids are older or take the plunge while they're young (I have 3 @ 6 yrs and younger). ...need some insight. Thanks.
This is something I have put allot of thought into in my current situation. The conclusion I have come to is this: Love comes, love goes. However you define it. What NEEDS to remain consistent is the COMMITMENT to one another. This especially in terms of a family with kids.

With a little work, your partner and yourself can not HATE one another. In fact, after a medium period of intentional non-hate, it becomes reflexive, 'just the way things are'. You don't hate each other. Once that is established (and sometimes there will be periods when it DOES need to be worked at again for awhile to maintain) you might actually find after awhile that it is kind of pleasant to be around that person. From there grows affection and from affection romance etc. Thinking actual loving romance is the end goal is a mistake. The goal is remain committed and NOT HATE your partner. Hate means resentment, allowing bad feelings and vibes to fester, refusing to talk to or spend time with the person.

Love like life is fleeting. You will die someday. Your kids will die someday. What is not fleeting is commitment- but only if you so choose. Committing to your partner, to your marriage, to your family, is a CHOICE. You make that choice and its more likely that your kids will make the same choice and their kids as well on down the line. IF they exercise good judgment and work at it, they will have more love than not-love in their own marriages. But none of that will happen if they do not choose to commit. And the odds of them making that choice and WORKING AT IT are heavily influenced on the choice you have to make right now: commit or not.

So much more than a feeling of love or lack of love in your own life rides on that decision. As a fellow human being, and assuming you already are doing this, I need to emphasize and encourage: weigh that choice heavily because your kids and their kids and generations on down the line will have the choice you make as a part of their very existence.
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Old 11-13-2009, 09:22 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Calling All Children of Loveless Marriages

Im not sure if I have the full story behind my mom and dad's marriage, they were only married a year, from what I was told, he would stay out all night drunk, and when he would come home, he would beat my mom. My mom left him when I was about 3-4 months old.

I got real sick when I was still a baby, my mom said Dr.'s didn't know if I would make it one day to the next, they called my dad and his response was "I have places to go and people to see." Hes not much of a father, he never showed for his visitation weekends, birthdays, fathers day...or any holiday for the matter. He remarried and done the same thing to his next wife, she suffered through it for 9 years before she finally left. Hes now on his 3rd marriage raising kids that aren't his, and only calls when he needs something, never calls to see how his grandchild is, or his ONLY daughter for that matter. The woman is married to now has him on a leash so tight he wont think of raising a hand to hit her, I guess he's the b*tch now...

My mom remarried to a man that raised me as his own, no questions asked, he tried to adopt me, but my biological (sperm donor) father wouldn't sign over his rights. I proudly call this man my Daddy. I promised my son that I wont let him grow up like I did, I wouldn't want anyone coming up and dealing with the pain that I dealt with as a child.
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Old 11-13-2009, 05:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Calling All Children of Loveless Marriages

My parents never divorced but lived as roommates as far back as I can remember. They did not argue much, but when they did it was about one of their addictions...so they kept it stable enough to raise 5 kids but I knew what I didn't want in a marriage.

I do believe it played a big part in my divorce as I was feeling the same way, unloved, living like roommates and thought I did not want to spend the next xx years of my life like this. My kids were still young and the most affected was my eldest, but my ex had treated him like a best friend...dumped a lot of adult stuff on an 8 year old kid...like 'never get married....women will just screw you...etc'...btw, this is the same guy that never paid child support & I bought out his share of equity on our house because he did not want the responsibility and I did not want to move the kids at that time...enough for them to deal with.

So while I think it's better for kids to adjust if they are young (once they hit 11+ it's more difficult for them), more of that has to do with how the parents are going forward.

My other kids adjusted well and my son recently said if he ever gets married, he wants it to be like my current marriage...he can tell we are really in love...I love that he can see what that looks like and hope for all my kids that they should expect that for themselves.
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Old 11-14-2009, 05:04 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Calling All Children of Loveless Marriages

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Originally Posted by swedish View Post
My other kids adjusted well and my son recently said if he ever gets married, he wants it to be like my current marriage...he can tell we are really in love...I love that he can see what that looks like and hope for all my kids that they should expect that for themselves.
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