My husband and I have been having serious problems for the passed year or so. It seemed to start when I got pregnant and now we have an 8 month old. I love my baby and want him to have a family, but I am not sure I can make it work. I feel like I am incapable of trusting my husband. I have never caught him in the act of having sex with someone else, but I have caught him doing other things like having "video/phone sex." I just feel like he really doesn't love me or maybe he doesn't know how to love. But he is telling me that he loves me know. He had said that he didn't know if loved me before, but now he knows he loves me. But he lies about stupid little things and he is really good at it, and that really scares me. I can't help but think that he lies about everything. He swears to me that he has never cheated on me, but I consider the things he has done cheating anyway.
I just don't know what to do. I don't love him like I did. I read some of my old posts and I remember feeling so heart broken and so desperate for him to love me, but now that feeling is gone. He says he wants to try now and will do anything to make our marriage work, but I don't know if I can forgive him or believe him.
I feel like this desire to work things out is just a temporary thing, and he will go back to his previous distant and cruel self.
He also says I am being selfish and not thinking about my family which really makes me feel like ****. He thinks I should stop dwelling on the past and accept that he is going to change. But I don't know if I can emotionally take any more of him. He makes me feel broken.
And to his defense, he has been nicer the past couple of weeks, but he also thinks I am having an affair, so maybe that is the only reason he is being nice. And he is out of work right now, so I also fear that he just wants someone to take care of him.
I'm not sure you can trust him either Scared. I believe in "going with your instincts" or "heart" if you would when it comes to these matters. Infidelity takes many forms, and certainly "video phone sex" sounds like one of it's more vulgar shapes.
I feel for you with a new baby and all, but one "truth" that I have recently discovered is that just "having something" isn't enough to make a marriage go. Stay with me here a moment, it's sort of like having a car up on blocks in your driveway that doesn't run. Do you really have a car? I guess that all depends on how much work needs to be done to the vehicle, what your mechanical skills are, and whether the cost to repair it is greater than the overall value of the car to you.
The "car" is an allegory, but only you can answer the above questions, and when you do scared, you will have your answer. God bless. LIL
P.S. don't lead on your having an affair if you are not, it's cruel. If you are then your whole post is a sham, but have the decency (wrong word) to tell him that Scared and move on. There is no need to have 2 broken down cars in your driveway.
He also says I am being selfish and not thinking about my family which really makes me feel like ****. He thinks I should stop dwelling on the past and accept that he is going to change. But I don't know if I can emotionally take any more of him. He makes me feel broken.
he says you are selfish? that sounds like someone that's really sorry to me. he's a jerk.
dont let your h pull that crap about leaving it in the past. its not the past if you still feel it in the present.
ask your H if you can put a program called K9 protection on the computer (its free). If he freaks out and calls you controlling then his habits are not really in the past. My H put the program on his computer and asked me to block certain sites. those are the kinds of things that let you know someone is really sorry and really trying to change.
wow your post sounds so much like what my own wife would say in our current situation that its.....scary. WE have an 8 month old baby as well, I have been cold and distant in the past, and my wife also (probably) thinks that I am into video/phone sex. I say she probably thinks that because before we met she knows I did that and she has been freaked out about it ever since. Freaked out to the point where if she finds a USB cable or camera (I use all kinds of cameras for work, some of them happen to hook up to the computer) she thinks I am having video sex. Also, the past couple of weeks I have been super nice to my wife and have been saying the same kinds of things you say your husband is saying. Also, she (probably) thinks I am cheating her- I say this because I am around all different kinds of women all day at work and she implies pretty strongly that I am probably doing something other than working with these girls. Also, she thinks that I think she is having an internet affair with someone, when in reality I am just jealous of the amount of time she has spent online with this person. And I told her that.
Just like I wish my wife would do, maybe what you should do where your husband is concerned is this: be very direct and straightforward with how you feel, but make your statements in a calm and rational way. In my situation the answer is to just put the computers away for a few weeks so both parties can see that the other person is willing to be away from what the other person thinks they are doing.
Everything has to be transparent and out in the open. No erasing 'previous calls' on the phones, giving each other voice mail passwords etc. and really just being totally open to letting each other into each others privacy. When enough trust has been established to get the computers back up and running, both parties get the 'net nannies' or other software/hardware that lets each person see what the other person is doing/has done. It can't be one sided.
Also, make a point to spend time with him. That is part of the point of putting the computers away. Do stuff with him. Even just sitting there talking or having a beer together and being quiet on the porch. Just BEING TOGETHER can do wonders in my opinion. If only you were my wife and I knew that what you posted is what is going on inside her head. lol. Good luck!
Not sure if I can trust my husband again...
