Anyone here tell you that they love you with a smile on their face then the very next day tell you it's over ?
We've been together for 14 years (married 10) and have a 16 year old from her previous marriage (he was 2 when I met her). Being a step parent has been the biggest challenge in my life and seems to be the recurring reason for our battles. Not to mention her family who has constantly tried to create separation (they are very controlling), however we endured and found ourselves even further in love than we ever were. So far so good right ?
So like most couples we agree that we disagree a lot on how to raise her/our son, we're both strong willed people and my wife has this phobia that any discipline in the household may result in how she was raised by her father which truly was a controlling and verbally abusive situation (I've met him and can vouch for that).
Our past has been plagued with challenges as I mentioned above, we've been through thick and thin and love each other so much. Then 4 years ago she abruptly tells me its over, I was absolutely devastated and couldn't live with the thought that I would lose her and our son. She just turned cold and heartless overnight it was unbelievable. No matter what I'd say or how much I would profess my love for her and her son she had her mind made up and could care a less about what I had to say. Apparently my attempts to create structure and discipline in our home were unwelcome as she believed I didn't love her son enough. This simply was untrue.
3 weeks later she turns around and tells me she's sorry and that I'm the best husband and father.... I found peace again in my life and we moved forward.
Again things happen, our son has been arrested for drugs over and over and she merely talks to him as a form of discipline and he becomes more and more manipulative. Mind you he's a teenager and this is kind of normal (rebellion and I guess drugs) and I'm calmer about these situations because he needs guidance but also must deal with the consequences so he loses all privileges. My wife cannot deal with this and we fight off and on for a year (he was on house arrest then probation). For every thing I do to make him accountable she counteracts with giving him additional privileges. Once again he ends up back in jail for drugs, one more time and they take him from us. So again I talk to him and her and the judge flat out told her that she's not doing her job as a parent. Things change, she adheres to the judges orders and long story short - he changes, gets a girlfriend and makes great grades (A's and B's). All his privileges are restored and we allow him to stay out late on the weekends and spend the night Friday and Saturday if he desires.
So then our sex life explodes at this point, I mean she goes from a 2 or 3 to a 15 on a scale of 1 to 10. Apparently hitting the age of 35 is where her sexual peek is. I can barely keep up with her ! I ask her whats going on, she responds with the fact that our son is older and will be moving out soon. Ok, no complaint there.
3 months ago she gets laid off from work, like all challenges we work through it and I am very supportive. I help her with revising her resume and tell her I'll do anything and everything I can to keep our house and cars. 2 months go by and she starts to do odd things like read these sex novels 24 hours a day. She never picked up a book the entire time we were together.
Then last week, each day I would come home from the office she would start questioning me on why I haven't asked for more money at work, or why I don't look for a higher paying job - your so smart we deserve more and I'll never make as much money as I did. I'm confused by all this as this isn't her usual self. Day after day she tears into me about money and finances which we're paying through money put away in savings. We have enough money to last 12 or so months.
Then last Saturday we get into another short altercation, she didn't tell me he was spending the night and I waited up late (she was out with her friend @ the movies) and I got worried because he didn't call or come home. So I send her a text message and never here from her, so she shows up at midnight and tells me that she forgot to mention that he's spending the night at a friends. Ok - whatever, I wasn't happy about it (not the first time its happened) but got over it. So Sunday rolls around and I do my weekly yard work, go inside to pack my clothes for a business trip and notice she's not communicating with me, she drives me to the airport and I tell her I love her and she says nothing. I was well aware of the tension, went into the airport and wrote her a loving email letting her know that travel is hard on me being away from her and our son and that I love the two of them so much. She waits till I arrive at my destination and emails me and tells me its over.
I call her from the hotel and ask what's wrong and she says she's unhappy. I ask why and she says its me, I'm not nice enough to our sons friends or his girlfriend and I'm not aggressive enough at work and I don't make enough money and she wants to be happy and that requires her to leave me. I had very little to say - again I was absolutely devastated and heart broken. I couldn't sleep and my insides were all torn up. I attended my business meeting and got a flight back home the very next day. She picks me up and I'm being very cautious with her and she lashes out at me and tells me its over. I explained that I wasn't going to talk about it and to change the subject - she continues to push and push....
We get home and I decide that I've heard enough, I sat her down and explained that I love my family and I'm not going anywhere - if her decision is to leave then leave because apparently her mind is made up. We endured so much together, worked so hard to raise a difficult child and spent years making our home and life so good and she wants out. I'm so confused !
I was direct and explained how I felt, that's all I can do. I know she's not cheating on me and I also know that being out of work is very stressful. What concerns me is she might leave and if she does this to me I may never let her back into my life. Each time she tells me its over it takes a huge toll on me, I love her and I love our son but this emotional destruction is simply killing me inside out. How can someone be so in love with someone and then just become cold and careless ? I get mad, she gets mad - we make up, it happens.
So this morning I wake up and she apologizes to me for telling me when I went out of town. She asks me to help her with her resume which I do, I was caring and helpful then I got dressed for work. She walked outside with me and I gave her a hug and a kiss. She was kind to me again, I didn't tell her I love her as I fear her response. I get home today and she appears to be digressing again.
I'm lost and totally unsure about what to do or what to say to her. I'm afraid that she'll turn on me again or I'll move too fast or too slow. You know, a type of situation that is impossible to read. I'm a good husband and I own up to my mistakes but I've never given up or stopped loving them.
Could she be going through perimenopause? Maybe her hormones are going nuts.
Also, don't discount an affair. Who stays out all night at a friends when just going to the movies???
Being out of work is stressful. But she's acting like something else is up. Why all of the sudden are you not making enough money? Does she not want to go to work again and wants you to supply all of her needs? Or is she deciding if she wants to hang on to you when there is someone else out there offering something else?
If you can get into therapy with her, I would suggest doing it NOW. Something is going on with her and you are very right to be concerned.
My gut is that there is someone else even if she hasn't actually done anything yet. It is the simplest answer and all too often, explains a spouse's strange behavior in a large number (majority?) of cases.
You're going to have to look around for clues about someone else. Do it now and don't tell yourself there is no way. There is every way.
Perimenopause, I hadn't thought of that one. I looked at the symptoms and it's hard to say, only 1 or 2 are really applicable. This would be difficult for me to say and even more difficult to suggest that she consult a doctor - she's pretty stubborn to deal with in the current state she's in...
Reflecting on what's changed may be the best way to understand what's happening. Simply put, she went from attending church, being a supportive positive person and rarely ever cursing with a pretty predictive sexual schedule. Today she is full out cursing, yells at her son more than ever, is aggressive and self consumed by these damn sex books (e.g. bondage, spanking etc). She doesn't attend church at all and has become preoccupied with reading all the time. I come home from work, ask her about her day etc and I sit down to relax for the evening. She runs off to another room and reads till 2 am non-stop. Her sexual appetite is on high alert and I see why you indicate that even though I believe I'm fulfilling her needs, perhaps I'm not - right. Well I can't see anything to say she's having an affair, even if its just a sexual affair and nothing more. However, I'm not going to discount it as that would be foolish of me.
Her late night outings with her female friends are pretty common place and they often jump from a movie to a bar then home. As for last weekend I did see the same female friend drop off that picked her up, the bank statements indicate that she did 'buy' a ticket and she did eat at a restaurant after wards. Unless I start calling every cell number I don't recognize to see who answers, I'll never know and that will pretty much make a bad situation worse as she's sure to hear about it.
We did the therapy thing years ago, it got to the point that even though I may not have handled things in the right manner (my delivery as I'm told) - my intent and heart were in the right place. It eventually got to a point where the counselor asked to work with just her. Years prior to that we also met with counselors regularly for blended families when our son was young - it was difficult on all of us but like I said, we endured.
I truly believe that she will not attend any counseling at this point - I'm a prisoner so to speak with little or no rights. I stood my ground and said leave if you want to leave as I have no control other than telling her that the two of them are my life and that I love her and will work to help resolve any issues.
Yes, why am I not making enough money... Good question, it's been stirring in my head for some time now. So her comment the night she picked me up (I didn't indicate it earlier) was that I could have the house - she didn't care. So the next day I spoke with my boss and asked for a raise to cover her 1/2 of the mortgage - I already pay for everything else. She may change her mind, whatever - I'll deal with it when it happens.
She loves or at least enjoyed working but again, her intentions are debatable. What killed it for her was having to work from home the last 2-3 years - that social starvation killed her as she's a very sociable person.
So today she finalized her resume and started to submit it so that is a good sign, but she is still being off and on short and cold about things. For instance, I called her this afternoon to ask how things are going and she says that she bought me new dress pants and a dress shirt for work. I was thrilled and thanked her and then she starts in with I can pay her back. What ? Really ? Should I be keeping track and itemizing costs I'm incurring as well ?? Again, what chemical imbalance am I dealing with here.
Hmm, read another study on Perimenopause conducted by the Mayo Clinic and it actually sounds closer to whats occuring.
So my question is this, someone in this state who believes that I'm the root of all evil (so to speak) and wants out due to a 'possible' hormonal issue, what am I to do when she is near impossible to engage
Should I just keep a 'safe' distance (and hope that I'm not being blamed for being distant) and continue to be supportive ? Honestly if she's so unhappy and knows that I'll take the house, what's keeping her around.
Anyone know her that can ask cause I'm not allowed too ? Just kidding...
I'm going to still go with an affair. The hyper interest in different things sex-wise and the avoidance of church (guilt) may indicate someone else... and are you sure she's only reading at night? Is she with you when she is doing it? Nothing going on online?
Are you tying her up and spanking her? I'd suggest giving it a try if you aren't.
I suppose you could talk to her mother and find out when she went through menopause and peri-. Daughters are usually within a year or two of their mothers.
Also, you could mention it to her and ask her if she has any thoughts about the changes and if they could be related to perimenopause. Plant the seed. Then later ask her if she's going to see a doctor about it.
Anyway -- GFs are the best cover for affairs. Sometimes they're the person who sparked the idea and are cheating themselves.
Does your wife get any sort of severance now? Does she get her own spending money? I don't know about this paying her back business... Ask her why she feels you should pay her back. Talk to the woman. If she grumps, she grumps.
PS - if she wants out, I suggest that you take control and not make it her decision any longer. See a lawyer and find out your obligations/rights. Don't be stupid and let her call all of the shots. If she's hormonally challenged, she's in no shape, and if she's having an affair, she has other motivations. You need to be in control of the things you can control and not let her jerk you around.
Positive about the reading and no online activity while I'm at home. I've been monitoring her internet activity (iPhone and computer) throughout the day and it's pretty consistent with what she says she's doing. However, I cannot monitor text messaging through her iPhone, I can only see numbers in/out via AT&T.
My spanking privileges have been officially placed on hold. Although she looks like she's suffering from withdrawals. Its all a matter of time till she caves in - with the drama she's been giving me I might go into a spanking frenzy and damage her.
Yes, the mother is a sensitive subject. She's an absolute nut case and I would never talk to her (read 1st post; family meddling) after what she's put our entire family through. The mom is the type of person who has never worked a day in her life and sucks the life force and money out of each man/victim she marries. The last one passed away and she's on the hunt (almost overnight) for the next victim. No go there... Makes one think that maybe I'm dealing with a genetic trait, one that waited 35 years to occur...
IF I'm able to get a handle on the situation and she begins to speak to me as if I was her husband and not her enemy I'll definitely mention Perimenopause - planting the seed as you indicated.
Severance just ended and she's awaiting unemployment, we have plenty of money in savings to tide us over for a long time. She has her own money and her own credit cards (nothing jointly except savings). I got home last night and she seems to have dropped the whole paying her back.
I'm not worried about consulting an attorney, my sister is an aggressive attorney and my wife knows it. She handled my wife's divorce whereby she got everything she wanted and more - seems the ex was intentionally hiding and avoiding the idea of divorce as well as the responsibilities of assisting in paying support. Sis took care of all that very quickly.
I spoke with my sister last night who has a good relationship with my wife, she thinks that the whole stress of not having a job and the fact that I'm working a lot and not giving her enough personal attention is lending to these issues along with the stress of debates (albeit maybe once a month) in regards to raising our son (rules and all that). Sis will be up here in a week and will talk to my wife face to face about what's going on - hell by then the situation may change from defcon 1 to defcon 5.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dobo
I'm going to still go with an affair. The hyper interest in different things sex-wise and the avoidance of church (guilt) may indicate someone else... and are you sure she's only reading at night? Is she with you when she is doing it? Nothing going on online?
Are you tying her up and spanking her? I'd suggest giving it a try if you aren't.
I suppose you could talk to her mother and find out when she went through menopause and peri-. Daughters are usually within a year or two of their mothers.
Also, you could mention it to her and ask her if she has any thoughts about the changes and if they could be related to perimenopause. Plant the seed. Then later ask her if she's going to see a doctor about it.
Anyway -- GFs are the best cover for affairs. Sometimes they're the person who sparked the idea and are cheating themselves.
Does your wife get any sort of severance now? Does she get her own spending money? I don't know about this paying her back business... Ask her why she feels you should pay her back. Talk to the woman. If she grumps, she grumps.
You were with your wife prior to divorce? She wasn't seeing you when she was with him, was she?
Try not to look at her mother as the model for what is happening. That is unfair. We all have genetic predispositions but behaviorally, they're not etched in stone.
Would you consider family therapy with the son since he's an obvious point of contention... though he may be a smokescreen.
She had been separated from him since the birth of her son, which was 2 years before I met her. She simply couldn't locate him to have him served with divorce papers.
I don't compare her with her mother, just hard to not perform a what-if in my mind. I never speak of her family or their attempt at causing harm to our relationship. I leave it alone as she has done a great job in separating our lives from her relationship with them.
I would go to therapy anytime but I believe she got her fill, we did this quite a few times years ago for various reasons ranging from blended family support (for me), adoption of her niece (for all of us), arguments over raising our son (one on one, two of us then the three of us and variations etc..)
She had a pretty hard life growing up, dealing with impossible rules and her verbally abusive father, the divorce of her parents and the abandonment of her mother/father in times of need. Even when she was pregnant her family left her to fend for herself as her then husband was no where to be found. I pretty much attribute her lack of wanting rules and parental follow through to that. I understand why she must hate enforcing rules (no rules equal zero tension right) out of fear that she'll come across acting like her father but I also can't have him holding us hostage in our home and doing whatever he pleases and talking to us however he pleases.
He's a good kid regardless of his past choices and because he's a kid he needs strong direction and the love of a family. His biological father barely acknowledged his existence and it's been difficult on him all these years. He turns 17 in February and has indicated that he wants to move out this summer. I disagree but I've stayed out of it as his mother is dealing with him on this topic - I encourage her to have him stay, finish high school and enrolling in college but he wants to live by his own rules.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dobo
You were with your wife prior to divorce? She wasn't seeing you when she was with him, was she?
Try not to look at her mother as the model for what is happening. That is unfair. We all have genetic predispositions but behaviorally, they're not etched in stone.
Would you consider family therapy with the son since he's an obvious point of contention... though he may be a smokescreen.
So I arrived home after work yesterday and my wife was hosting a get together with her social group (Bunco night) - all are all older than she is. I usually come home and head for the bedroom but for some reason tonight I decided to make an appearance and strike up some conversation with whomever would converse with me. My wife was being nice and joking with me and seemed to enjoy the attention I was receiving from these ladies. I enjoyed seeing her smile and laugh as it's been at least a week since that's happened. I decided that I didn't want to wear out my welcome so I retreated to my room till they left.
After these ladies left she went to her usual spot on the couch and proceeded to read her book. I knew at this point that was all the interaction I was going to receive as she didn't speak to me at all. I went to the bedroom and fell asleep from exhaustion.
I woke up at 2 a.m. with a huge anxiety/panic attack, I almost felt like I was going to get violently sick. I went through this for hours till the sun was almost up, I just laid in bed (alone) and read some of the more inspirational posts.
There isn't much to say at this point, on the outside I've been strong and I've held my composure but on the inside it seems this stress is simply killing me. I want to just grab her and tell her how much I love her but I fear the possibility of rejection. I just cannot understand how someone can simply shut down all emotions at the drop of a hat.
Anyway, this made for a long day. I woke up this morning and she seems closer but still so far away. I guess I'll continue to give her space and hope that she'll open up to me at some point. I'm not angry at her at all, I just want to show her love. When I left this morning for work she walked me out, I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her that I love her (oops, that slipped), she expressed the same to me which was shocking.
I pray that I can sleep tonight as my appetite and sleep have been greatly deprived. I'm really feeling tore up but I simply cannot control my inner emotions.
I would sure enjoy some inspiration as I'm terrified inside that my next post may be - well, you know.
Reading this entire thread, I feel for you and hope things are ok today. I am in a 'similar' situation with my wife, who simply will not talk or interact with me (been this way the past 2 weeks). My situation, like yours, was overnight. She didn't say she was going to leave but she went from emotionally attached and affectionate to dead cold and unresponsive in the space of a single day.
Your wife seems to have some pretty intense swings back and forth. Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about her cheating on you. It really just doesn't sound like she is.
Honestly, it really sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. Something I ask myself sometimes is if it really matters what anyone wants. Set goal, do what it takes to achieve goal. Wants need to adapt to that rather than the other way around, in my opinion.
Maybe I am totally misreading everything, but like my situation, your wife seems to be crying out for some boundaries to be set for HER. Rational, fair, consistent boundaries.
I truly appreciate your post, here is what I learned today which is something we should be looking out for.
Things were actually going pretty well, we were being are usual selves this morning - talking and laughing etc... Then apparently her sister sent a text message to her phone. So she asked if I would bring her the phone and I did. She looked at the message right in front of me and just sort of held it there, it read "So are you going to get a DIV". I was absolutely speechless, I didn't say a word. She starts to read it aloud not even realizing (maybe she did) what DIV meant. Then it hits her and she makes the comment, "why would she ask me if I'm getting a divorce - see I told you she's been acting weird." She sends her a text message back asking her if she wants some clothes - a change of subject if you will.
So we proceed to talk more (ignoring what had just happened) and we got cleaned up to go out to lunch. Our son came home before we left and he and I talked about an incident that happened in school (I wasn't made aware of till today), I then began to engage his girlfriend and friend in conversation which I rarely do and that went really well.
We go to lunch, everything went great (great=no disagreements) and we came home. She changed her clothes and proceeded to go shopping again for more clothes for me. She even mentioned to me that she can't wait to wear her dress to my company Christmas party this year. I waited for her to leave then I decided it was time to see what she had been up to this week on the internet (I really hate to have to do this kind of thing)... I intentionally steered clear of the computer all week on purpose to reduce any suspicion on my part.
So I checked Face book - nothing there, just the usual rhetoric. I moved to emails and there was nothing there - all her deleted items were still intact. It got interesting when I looked at web browser activity for the past 7 days. I noticed that this week was a pretty normal week for her, job hunting, browsing etc.. Nothing until you look at the history of the 13th where she was searching for apartments in the area (sigh).
I feel like I'm totally being used at this point. She's obviously notified her sister/family of her possible intent and was actively looking for somewhere to live yesterday. She doesn't have a job and I'm the sole provider and she also knows I have a kind heart, love her to death and will do almost anything within reason for her. Her kindness this week is nothing more than self preservation, I'm fairly confident once she secures that she'll dump me and move on.
She's on her way home so I'll continue later with my thoughts.
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Originally Posted by Commited1
Reading this entire thread, I feel for you and hope things are ok today. I am in a 'similar' situation with my wife, who simply will not talk or interact with me (been this way the past 2 weeks). My situation, like yours, was overnight. She didn't say she was going to leave but she went from emotionally attached and affectionate to dead cold and unresponsive in the space of a single day.
Your wife seems to have some pretty intense swings back and forth. Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about her cheating on you. It really just doesn't sound like she is.
Honestly, it really sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. Something I ask myself sometimes is if it really matters what anyone wants. Set goal, do what it takes to achieve goal. Wants need to adapt to that rather than the other way around, in my opinion.
Maybe I am totally misreading everything, but like my situation, your wife seems to be crying out for some boundaries to be set for HER. Rational, fair, consistent boundaries.
Heartbroken x2
