I think once it is clearly framed as a "Divorce or Marriage Counseling" decision, then you're going to overcome that last resistance of counseling if they want to stay married.
"We need marriage counseling" is quite a different approach than "it's either marriage counseling or divorce".
I would go so far to actually contact a few marriage counselors, ask them expected costs, what their success rate is. (You'll likely get some sort of waffle about "all the couples that want to stay married and work on it succeed, I'm just a means of communication" which basically implies to me the counselor is useless, find one that will actually say "I'm batting about 40%, which is better than most" or something similar.)
Likewise contact a few lawyers offices and ask rates etc. Find out what the basic process is. You don't have to talk to the attorney, usually the office staff are pretty much fine with the general process.
Create two packets of the information. Put in big envelopes and mark one with a big
and one with a big
. Highlight the counselor you think is best, say "this is who I think we
should use". In the attorney packet highlight the best option and say, "this is who I
will use, you would need someone else". Give them the packets and talk them through the contents. I'd give them 48 hours for them to come to a decision. Don't get into a debate or screaming match about things, just ask for a decision. If they fold and choose counseling (which might just happen within the first minute of seeing the two packets and the contents!) then book the counseling appointment right then and there. Even if all you can do is leave voicemail for the counselor saying you want an appointment. Do not let the moment pass
If they say "ok you win
, I'll go to counseling". Say "it's not about winning or losing, it's about us
". Book the appointment. I'd really suggest being in physical contact with your partner as you make that call.
Sorry for thread drift
the OP has some tricky issues and counseling seems appropriate.