7176

This is my first post here, although I've read a lot over the past weeks on the forum.

HISTORY: Married 5 years in upstate NY, we are in our mid to late 30's. Met my wife less than a year after ending a very loving relationship with another woman due to circumstances beyond our control (contract with foreign nation forced her to move home and I was unable to go with her). Dating my wife was wonderful, she appeared kind and loving and seemed to be all I was looking for. We dated about 18 months before we were married and did live together prior to marriage. We have one child who is now two years old and is the most precious person in the world to me.

Prior to marriage, I dated quite a few women, some serious, some not. I've slept with 9 women in my life, not a lot compared to some friends, but a lot compared to my wife who had only one other partner prior to me.

PRESENT:
For the past two years its gone downhill and going fast. It started to slow in the first year or two but was very tolerable. So what is going on? Here are the bullet points.

• Wife struggling with depression (on meds, somewhat improved)
• Suffering from a disorder where she pulls her hair out (and tries to pull mine out as well - this leads to a great number of fights! It F'n hurts like hell and she says she derives pleasure from this crap!)
• Nothing I do is right. You name it, I do it wrong.
• When she is mad (which is often, see below), she says things like "I hate you", "I don't like you", "Why did I marry you?", etc.
• If I ask why she is mad at me, the response is usually "I'm always mad at you - it just a matter of how much".
• She often tries to kick me out of bed to sleep on the sofa
• She kicks me hard if I am snoring (yes, I do)
• She has previously hit me (several different times) when very angry and on several occasions spit at me.
• When I confront her about these behaviors the answer is usually "it's just the way I am" and/or "you are the problem, not me".
• States she doesn't understand why I love her at all
• she has dreams, recurrent, where I leave her but says they are nightmares.
• She says she "hates" my family (all of them), but the reasons never make sense to me. She says I'm "just blind" and don't see it. This has lead to a distancing with my siblings and other relatives. She really hates my mother and won't let her in the house at all. AAAAAARGH!
• Sometimes states she would like to hurt our child (has not done so) because it would "make me feel better".

I've tried everything I can think of but I am totally frustrated in my marriage. No matter what I do, it's all my fault. Sex is still there and okay - maybe only 2-3 times a month (max) but it is there.

LET'S MAKE MATTER WORSE SHALL WE?
I've never stopped loving my previous love. I knew the day she was forced to leave to go back to the Sweden that I should have gone with her. At first the initial excitement of a new relationship with my wife overshadowed the loss I still felt for this other woman. As every day has passed in our marriage, I have tried to forget her. 5 years of marriage later and she is still present in my heart, a part of it my wife will never see.

Oh wait, it does get more complicated I believe. My Swedish love has not forgotten me either. There have always been innocent "update" emails over the years such as "I'm getting married", "we had a baby", she finished her doctorate degree, she has a new boyfriend/etc., etc. None of which my wife knows about.

She too has had a rough time forgetting me and moving on as well. Over the past year as my wife's behavior worsens it pushed me further to my old love. Over the past month of two we have talked on the phone via VoIP. It is like we never were apart. I am able to open up and share things with her as I never have been able to with my wife. She has always treated me with respect, admiration, love and as an equal partner.

I've always wondered if I married the right woman. Someone I can be partners with in life and love. Yes, I made a selection, but I fear it was a poor selection at this point and everyday it is confirmed.

NOW WHAT?

Part of me says "you made your choice, live with it and make it work" - because SOMETIMES she CAN be wonderful and loving - it's just like Jekyll and Hyde though, you never know who you are going to get or what will cause the sudden change. Happy one minute, I breath wrong and WHAM! Look out!

Part of me fears for my child as well in this scenario. If she hits me (basically abuse) and from my perspective mentally abuses me + has stated she sometimes thinks of hurting our child because it would make her "feel better"....I think I should just end it and end it now for both of our sakes.

I had the thought of leaving my wife prior to any real contact with my Swedish ex. But the feeling has increased since then.

Okay, I'm just plain confused, hurt, scared and feel totally lost. Any words of wisdom?

Thanks!

Blanca

are you sure your wife doesn't know? sounds like she knows to me.

i have a particular distain for liars, so forgive me if this comes off harsh. you've waisted your wifes life, and years of her time that she could have been with someone that loved her. you think she doesnt know about your lies and your deceitfulness- she's on antidepressants, pulling hair out, and fits of anger. she knows. maybe not the details but in her heart she knows. she doesnt need anti-depressants. she needs to leave you.

not that i think how she's acting is ok. ive flown off the handle at my H, too. i know its not right. but i still think you deserve it.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

7176

Blanca, No. She does not know. You are harsh, aren't you? You are entitled to your opinion, thanks.

Loving Husband

This is tough cause I don't know how you are treatingyour wife. If you NEVER got over your lost love and moved into another relationship too quick you might NEVER have loved your wife. If you haven't given your heart 100% to her then she knows. She might not know of what your holding in but she will feel it in your actions. I think Blanca was right in a way just with a bit more personal anger. I wish I knew you personally to understand it fully. I hope you do whats right for you and your family..

desoloamo

I'm disturbed by the fact that no one has addressed the fact that, regardless of what marital problems are present, there is physical abuse occurring. Just because the original poster is a man does not mean he EVER does anything to deserve being physically or emotionally harmed. No one would EVER say a woman "deserved" this kind of treatment regardless of what she's done in the relationship so how dare it be said that this man deserves to be abused? Men have feelings too. Men have a right to happiness and stability and a healthy marriage. Shame on you, Blanca.

I agree with the previous poster and will say that there are two sides to every story. None of us know how the wife is being treated in this scenario but one thing I -am- one hundred percent sure of is that this woman needs help and this man needs to get himself and that child to a safe place as of yesterday. To the original poster... if she, as a woman, has the nerve to make a threat against her own child then you can bet your ass she has the nerve to follow through on it! I don't care what your feelings are for this Swedish woman. I don't care if you move out of the country to be with her. Just get your kid out of that house and go get a divorce lawyer. She needs a doctor but recovery from behavior such as hers is usually long in coming and the results minimal. I don't feel either of you should wait that out.

Besides... people never change.

April

Deejo

I don't know why you are sticking around. Her behavior is unbalanced - regardless of what you have, or have not done. Particularly if you think your child is at risk.

Is she bipolar? What's her diagnosis?

Everyone is likely to comment based upon their experience. Prior to mine, I would have wanted to be the dutiful husband and take care of her.

As a result of my own circumstances, I can honestly say that it would be impossible for me to stay.

DawnD

I agree with the fact that if there is abuse, you need to get you and your child out. No matter if you are man or woman you can't expose your children to that crap. I believe in purely thinking about my kids. Do you want your child growing up thinking this is okay??

I don't know much about your wife, but she seems to be a bit out of whack for one reason or another, but it is possible that you being in contact with the ex isn't helping either. I would cut ties for at least a couple of months, try to sort this all out without any outside influences, get a counselor for your wife and someone who can do anger management with her. Do I sometimes wish I could smack my husband? Yeah. Do I?? Noooo. Its never okay.