I've been married just over 4 years. Our trouble is not that I said nothing and expected my husband to read my mind. Our trouble is that I ask for what I want and he can't or won't give it. One big thing I have asked for is that he back me up. I need to know he is in my corner, on my side. If he cares strongly about something, I'm not asking that he change his views. But if he doesn't really care and I do, I want him to be there for me, stand behind me, etc. He says he doesn't expect anyone to stand up for him and he doesn't see why I need that. Isn't that one of the basic things you expect when you get married?
We aren't exactly young either. I'm 36, he's 45. We have 2 kids. But I am so detached from him. I find myself jealous of women who are married to good, strong men. Why can't mine be that? Doesn't he get that if I can't depend on him, I won't want to be intimate with him, I won't feel like being with him or enjoy our time together?
It's about respect and support. As for being a strong woman, I've been through a hell of a lot for my years. I'm handling my parents move into a retirement community, working full-time, head of the household financially (my husband lost his job a year ago), and mom of two young children. And I'm not falling apart. I'd consider that a pretty strong woman.
This is a totally reasonable request. Especially where there is a pattern of conflict with another person or a child. And in those cases he really should be willing to discuss the basics ahead of time, tell you if he agrees and if he does he needs to learn some simple stuff like standing shoulder to shoulder with you and nodding on occasion to make it super clear he is in your court. And he can also chime in if he has some comments that would help. BUT this also means if he asks you to manage the tone of the conflict, that you take his input seriously. I will sometimes suggest a less caustic approach to my wife - mostly she is good with that. I am also willing to say "if you want to do this slash and burn type approach you are on your own, if you want to be blunt but tactful, I have your back"
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Originally Posted by ebp123
It's about respect and support. As for being a strong woman, I've been through a hell of a lot for my years. I'm handling my parents move into a retirement community, working full-time, head of the household financially (my husband lost his job a year ago), and mom of two young children. And I'm not falling apart. I'd consider that a pretty strong woman.
I understand what you are asking for and I don't think it is a lot. It is pretty much a part of my problem with my husband as well. I don't feel I have his support, his backing or his respect. I too am very vocal and very clear about what I need, what I want. I am not arrogant about how I go about telling these things to him. In fact, while on some occasions it has come out in a form of 'you are not meeting my needs' in the course of an argument, most times it is the polar opposite of that. I have had sit down conversations initiated by me where I have told him of the deep needs I have but nothing happens, nothing changes.
When we have a difference of opinion, particularly with regards to my children (we are a blended family), I've told him, look I don't need you to fully agree with me, but I do need you to respect my opinion and my views and back me up. My husband has been in my life for 2 years and not so fully involved in my childrens lives or have bothered to really get to know them enough with genuine interest to form such opinions as the ones that he forms. My kids are 20 and 17.... there is a lot that has transpired in their lives prior to him ever entering my life that he just has no clue about. He'll tell me I haven't taught my kids this or that... excuse me, what would he know, he wasn't there. He hasn't been there every time I have gotten in my kids face to tell them something they are doing is wrong. Who is he to judge. Especially considering his kids are not the best behaved either.
In fact, they have been highly disrespectful and rude. They have done things, said things to me in front of my kids that my kids have looked at me and said "mom, if we ever did that" and I cut them off to say, "I know, lets not go there cause I'm trying to remember they are my step-children and I have to respect the way their parents deal with stuff like this too".... this has resulted in most times me just saying something to my husbands kids like "look, other's may not mind you speaking to them that way, but I do and you will not speak to me in that tone or turn your back on me when I am speaking to you so go to your room and don't come out until I call you".
My kids would NEVER have gotten away that easy had they literally turned their back on my, crossing their arms and huffing and puffing when I told them something. Especially not at 4 & 5 years old. Just wouldn't happen.
But basically.... I understand what you are saying and agree, if you can't feel that your husband is your protector, your biggest supporter, your encourager, your best friend, etc... it is very difficult to want to be remotely intimate with them. Every woman wants to know that when push comes to shove her husband is going to be standing right there beside her... because afterall, most women, most wives.... that's what they do for their husbands or at least are willing to do.
In my mind, the backing you up really depends on what it is and whether he supports it or not. This is one of my soon to be exwife’s issues. She expects that I will back her up on almost everything. I most certainly do not, but unless I am strongly opposed, I won’t argue against her. I’ll respect that she has an opinion, but I most certainly do not have to support it. It’s a two way street here. From my perspective, it’s like she always has to be right about everything and I am not allowed or respected for having a different opinion. Sometimes, she does make crazy decisions and I do see part of my responsibility as a husband/father as tempering. Some things too are just not worth not backing her on, particularly some of the minor parenting things; my example is when the kid won’t eat what’s made, I disagree that we should make something special that he will eat, but won’t step in if she goes into the kitchen to get him something.
This backing up thing is one of the things that killed my marriage too. When something big happens, you need to deal with it as a team. Sometimes, like in my case, our opinions on how to deal with it are so far apart, there will be no agreement. So, there was no satisfying outcome for either of us and very deep resentments were planted. I assumed my wife was like me; I understand we won’t always agree, therefore a disagreement of opinion is not a meter to judge the overall impression of the condition of the marriage or our commitment to it. But my wife’s perspective was that this event showed how little I thought of her and how I never support her emotionally. She’s nailed herself to that cross that I’m not there for her when she needs me most. It has been brought up over and over through the years as to why we have a bad relationship. All because where she saw child abuse/felony molestation, I saw two five years olds playing doctor that certainly didn’t warrant her emotionally abusing our son with weeks of inquisition that finally resulted in me dragging her physically out of his room when she was describing oral sex to him to elicit a confession. He would cry night after night because of the shame she laid on him. I could not stand for it. So I did become abusive toward her and forced her into personal counciling because I felt, and still feel, what she was doing was more abusive to him than anything else that happened. That was the turning point in our marriage. I made a choice to save my son from her issues (and force both of them into counciling); intentionally and irrevocably damaged our marriage. She obviously never got over it, nor have I.
Spouses do need to speak each others' love languages. And if support is one of your needs, then he would do well to learn this language fluently.
On the other hand it is vital each spouse also finds inner peace without expecting the other spouse to meet their every need at every opportunity given to him/her.
Unmet expectations erode relationships quite quickly. So communicate deeply about the needs and discuss what is and isn't reasonable within your marriage.
Yes, men can handle the truth - some more than others - but be understanding that a man may not see things the way women do, and the expectation of reading minds is quite an unfair proposition.
Can men really handle the truth?
