david_h15

Hi! Although I posted a while back about our marriage situation, I'll give a brief synopsis of what was going on and where we are at today. Very early this year, my wife of 9 years told me she was unhappy and thinking that we should possibly get a divorce and just be friends since she just didn't know anymore if we were meant for each other. She told me then that her mind had emotionally detached from the marriage and that she was tired of trying to make the marriage better and didn't want to try anymore. I did find out why she had started backing away from our marriage and I worked to improve myself and make our marriage better. Other than a couple of issues (like taking her opinion into account when making a decision and trying to work as a team and getting out more), our marriage is very low in conflict. She has acknowledged on a couple of occasions that she sees how I have changed and she says although it is good, she claims it is too late. On several occasions when we discuss our relationship, she says that she "is broke" and doesn't believe that she can be fixed. Right now my wife is trying to make a little effort the best/only way she knows she can do right now. We are back to going out frequently, having date nights, doing fun stuff together, and talking more about anything and everything. Aside from a small hug/kiss in the morning before we leave for work, there hasn't been any increase in touch or affection. Even with doing more stuff together over the past couple of months, she says that she's still not feeling any type of emotional connection coming back. And she doesn't know what she can do that she would be comfortable with to try to get the connection back. She has mentioned several times that she feels extremely guilty about how she's hurting me but since the connection isn't coming back at all yet, she feels that divorce may be the only option. I do know the guilt is eating at her so much sometimes that she likes to have time alone to be able to cry. She has a couple of friends who have divorced recently and although their situations are different, her friends claim that divorcing was good for them. So she has gotten that opinion in her mind that the grass may be greener on the other side.

We've read some books and online sites that talk about just doing the actions (like being touchy/feely or having sex) even if you don't feel like it to try to get the connection back...But she is worried if we have sex again (It's been about a year) or is really touchy/feely and the connection is not there at the start that she'll feel bad about herself afterwards for doing it, especially if it doesn't build any kind of emotional connection. And she is worried about what it would do to me if she tries really hard but just can't get the spark in our marriage back. So I guess we're trying to see if anyone has any ideas how to go about rebuilding that emotional connection again? Or is doing the actions like I mentioned above about the only way to try to get it back? Part of what is frustrating to her too is not knowing how long she would have to try to start getting the connection back if it is going to come back. She's read where the vast majority of people who don't divorce when they are unhappy will be happy again within 5 years. But she doesn't want to be unhappy for 5 years and I don't want that either. If anyone has any experience with getting the emotional connection back or has any suggestions or ideas, please let us know. Thanks!

lastinline

david_h15, frankly it sounds like she's putting very little into your relationship, so it's not surprising she's getting so little from it in return. It's that whole sowing and reaping thing.

I am of the belief that the moment you stop investing your time, heart, and energy into your spouse that's the moment you begin to drift apart. It's not what you get as much as what you give that keeps you invested in a healthy relationship. If both partners take this approach, everyone's needs are met. That's why courting works so well.

You could be the be the best husband on the planet and do all of "the little things" for her, but until she starts giving back, she won't feel connected to you. That's what makes this situation such a b*tch, she doesn't feel connected so she doesn't give, because she doesn't give she can't feel connected. It's that I need experience to get a job thing, but how do I get experience if I don't have a job. Sorry david_h15, I think I understand the problem, I just don't know what the solution is. LIL

jsniceguy

I am sorry to hear about this David but I feel your pain. I am going through a very similar situation with my wife - I just wanted to chime in and give you my support. The real thing that I keep asking my wife is to explain and think about what would her life be like if we were divorced down to all the details(house, food, time, support (emotional and financial)). My theory is that if she truly thinks through all of the details she will realize what she would be leaving. If you believe that you are the one for her this may help her come to her senses.

david_h15

Thanks for the words of support jsniceguy and I wish you the best of luck with your situation too! I know my wife has thought about it a lot how things would be if we got a divorce but we both have good paying jobs so in that aspect she doesn't really need my support and she knows that. What just baffles me sometimes is she makes a mention that getting a divorce could end up being the worst mistake of her life. And hearing that makes me wonder why then she wouldn't want to try harder sometimes to see if we can make things work again...

MEM11363

This type of situation tends to make a man be more serious. The lack of sex alone kills a certain amount of playful behavior.

Have you tried the two magic levers to desire:
- Being more attractive AND
- Less available

The more attractive is some mix of physical stuff: fitness/clothing/grooming combined with some mix of interpersonal stuff - make the effort to me more optimistic/playful - kind.

The less available is about spending more time on stuff other then her. It doesn't mean sitting next to her in the house while you surf the internet for hours - go out and do stuff that is good for you. It also means creating more emotional space. If she says I love you once a day and you say it twice a day - you are crowding her in a subtle but very destructive fashion. In an insecure relationship "i love you" takes on a whole different meaning - it becomes a hybrid statement/question: I love you, do you love me back?

For a woman who isn't sure how she feels that question makes her anxious/pressured turned OFF sexually.

So observe her - see how much love she is transmitting at you via the 5/6 standard love languages and reduce your love to her to a somewhat lower level. The trick is - keep the sincerity - when you do it - do it right. But cut WAY back on the quantity. And let her go first - let her say I love you - and sometimes you can just say - see you later.

Step back in a calm, low key and non threatening manner and she may step forward. And when she does - do NOT over react. If you create space properly her hard wired behavioral response will be to use sex to pull you closer.

So if you step back - and when she steps forward verbally - you immediately give her all the love she wants - she will NEVER sleep with you again. Because she will see you as easy/borderline needy/desperate.