i am back again after a few months of trying to sort out my life.
Well I just wish things were getting easier. For those of you with a good memory you will remember my post from earlier in the year when i had the old ' i love you but I am not in love with you' after 21 years of marriage. It turned out he had been in contact with his first love and been emailing and texting her without my knowledge.
Well to cut a very long and painful story short he stopped contact with her and is still at home. we agreed that we would try and make things work. He is currently receiving treatment foe severe depression and PTSD so these have had a great impact on us both.
Well I suppose the title of my thread says it all how long do i keep going. This all started 7 months ago and my H still says he feels detached from me. The psychologist and everyone else has tried to explain that this may be down to his mental health and the meds he is on, but he cannot see this.
We are getting on great,have been away twice, but if I ask him how he feels about me he says he doesn't know and still wont commit to our relationship continuing in the future.
I don't know how much longer I can keep living in limbo. He originally told me our marriage was over with absolutely no discussion and i suppose i am just waiting till he does the same thing again. I am finding it so tough I don't know what to do.
Indecisiveness such as this would leave anyone wondering why they should stay. I can relate as my own wife exhibits strong traits of such apathy towards our marriage and yet has not pursued divorce.
What goes against you simply leaving is the fact that you 'get along great'. There's obviously something in the relationship that's still alive and giving hope. Of course, any mental illness, and the treatment of them, will dull his persona/mood and make it difficult to ascertain his true feelings.
What I think he needs at this stage is optimal management of his depression and PTSD. Once it is clear these have been dealt with the best way possible, it'll then be the best representation of his true feelings.
thanks for that Weathered. I am wholeheartedly supporting H in his treatment and this is what he wanted too. It seems to have been going on for so long now and it only seems to be me that is upset.
We go out, we sleep together and we go about daily life as a normal married couple. So you can imagine why I am wondering what an earth is going on.
It's pretty common to feel detached with PTSD and depression. I am willing to bet that he feels detached with most people in general.
You seem committed to saving the marriage but want a time table. Hmmm. You know where I am going? There isn't one.
I would consider not asking him about the relationship at this point. Let him work on himself. You do the same. He may not regain his feelings until you begin to walk away, then it may be too late for you.
I know how you're feeling, what I've learned is that the more you chase the man, the more superior he feels. If he knows that you're there waiting for him regardless of what he does, he'll look down on you and walk over you.
Ignore him, let him chase you. Best of luck, hope it all works out for you.
I don't think I am looking for a timetable as such. For 7 months now I have put H first, done what he wants and have almost been too scared to rock the boat.
When do I start putting myself first?? I have needs too and emotionally I am at such a low point. You are right that he is detached from everyone even the children, but I suppose I am just wondering when it will end!
I would love more than anything some comfort and reassurance from the man I have been married to for over 20 years, but at the moment that isn't going to happen and it is breaking my heart.
He currently isn't the same man, I know that. I just want that man back, totally selfish maybe but I am not sure I can keep going like this.
I know how you feel MUM. That detachment is heartbreaking on it's on. To live with the man that you have known for 20 year (for me 29 years) and he isn't "available" anymore.
He's not changing after 7 months. Have you thought about a separation? Not moving toward a divorce but a chance to heal and focus on yourself.
I hope you can work this out between you. Just be clear about the goals and objectives of separation if indeed you wish to pursue that course of action.
Well I have suggested separation , but H says that it is not what he wants right now. I am totally sure though in his current state of mind that if he moved out he wouldn't be bothered at all as he is so totally detached.
I asked him just a couple of weeks ago and he said he wanted this to work and home was where he wanted to be and he was committed to this.
That all sounds great, but I feel as though I am living with a complete stranger who has absolutely no emotions at all. I am desperately trying not to put pressure on him as i know he is ill.
While you are away he does need to get his mind sorted out - whatever help there is around, he needs that to get better and for you to see change in your relationship.
Mumof2,
Sounds so tough, patience is the hardest thing in the world.
Give him the time no matter how tough it gets, 21 years is a long time...you have decided together to work it out and build a new relationship, it may never be the same as before, work on a new you and a new kind of connection....
Just be understanding, when he finally works things out you will be so happy, he just isn't there yet.
Small steps, you can always leave if it doesn't work out.
It's worth it and so are you 2 as a couple....
Based on your description of your H, I can definitely relate to how he might be feeling because I'm pretty detached myself. But where does the PTSD come from? Ex military?
Yeah he is ex military, but the PTSD is as a result of a near fatal accident while serving many years ago.
He always said he didn't need anyone to talk to about it as he had me, but he wouldn't talk to me either so this has been brewing for years. So as you can imagine I have been patient for years!!
I so want things to work out but it is crippling me at the minute. I found Christmas so difficult. The thought of starting a new year with things the way they are doesnt bare thinking about.
My H says he enjoys my company, is with me all the time by his own choice. H finds me attractive still, we have great sex, but he says he doesn't know how he feels about me. I don't know what else to do. Do I keep going like this and just hope he thinks differently. I am seriously not sure I can give anymore of myself and not get anything in return.
He may not want this separation but it may be in your best interest. Not a divorce but a separation. A chance to find himself and his happiness. A chance to find yours. You can date him if you both want but allowing space and time.
7 months and the feeling of dread that you have...I'm not sure what to say. You have to keep yourself well.
Am I wasting my time 
