christmaslady

My boyfriend and I have been in a "relationship" for the past 16 years...for most of the time it was long-distance and filled with indescretions on both parts, but we were still a part of each others lives with the intent of one day being together forever. A year and a half ago we took it to another level and were no longer distant lovers...he moved in with me. 7 years my elder he claimed he wanted us to just be togetjer and stop all of the other drama that we brought. We were going to start fresh. With that understanding we realized that we had to forgive and forget many of the things that w had done in the past and actual be a couple-no longer basically friends with benefits. I did. I dropped everything from my past and started fresh with him-dedicating everything I am to him and our future. However, he talked the talk but was not walking the walk. He became involved with a girl that lavished him with expensive gifts, and denied their relationship to me. He months later became involved with another girl who fulfilled an emotional gap for him...however he let her in too close and soon they were exchanging sex messages, pictures, daily/hourly calls (even at 4:30am). She gave him things that he brought ino our home (fish tank, paintings etc...that I later found was from her. He had other relationships with other females as well and for some reason (refuse to believe it is self-esteem) I don't want to let him go. I feel I know his heart and these things are just reminents from our past (even though they are new relationships). I confronted him with his phone records to prove his lies as well as emails and text messages and pictures...some things he ackowledges and asked for forgiveness and others he claims I am blowing out of proportion. I do not want to live my life in denial and feel I deserve more/better but I can not let him go. He claims that he wants to be my everything (but of course why not? I have not done him wrong, I have changed parts of me to be a better person with him-who would give that up?). He proposed and I accepted-both of us knowing that we needed counselling before marriage. My real issue is based on the things that I know, have seen, envisioned, he has lied about etc-i carry those thougts and visions with me and can not trust him or the thins he says. I lose sleep and can not focus day-to-day...how do I overrcome these things so that we can move on and be better (he is trying to prove to me that I can/should trust him)-being more forthcoming and accountable for his time and whereabouts etc...but I still am uneasy. How do I cope with the betrayal? Can I get past this? How? How long does it take? I realized that if anyone else treated me like this, I would just let them go-i an not with him...he means the world to me...

lastinline

christmaslady, I hate to be your Grinch, but "he may mean the world to you", but judging from his actions you mean very little to him.

How could you accept a proposal for marriage from a serial cheater, are you mad? There are so many things that scare me about the health of this relationship, I really don't know where to begin.

1) 16 years...way too long. It should have either progressed to marriage or ended a long time ago. You are his plan "B" nothing more.

2) Serial infidelity, if I read your post right on both parts Some "toys" aren't meant to be shared.

3) You were living together before marriage, presumably as a "trial". Well the experiment "failed" and now you are seeking to re-run it CL. WHY?

4) Deception on his part about his whereabouts, gifts, etc. Without trust love can never proper.

5) Your underlying reason for "staying" with him seems to be purely emotional, almost quasi-desperate. There is nothing healthy about being this "needy" in a relationship. Have some dignity woman. I don't know you, but you deserve better. I realize this, but do you?

I could go on, but I've ran out of toes on my right foot christmaslady. Please at a minimum seek counseling before you go any further in your relationship with this man.

I know this wasn't the present you were looking for christmaslady, but truth is more precious than gold. LIL

christmaslady

Thanks for the feedback. It is like I know in my head what is right and wrong and things that I will and will not stand for but for some reason with him, I continue to go back to the drama. I really want to let this go and start new, but something always holds me back. Thanks for the input though cause I was starting to "settle" and I am not sure why. I know I need to RUN!!!! don't walk to the nearest exit from this relationship. It has scared me way more than it has made me happy and that should never be.

I do deserve more and I am capable of getting more...I have had more and let it go in order to be with him. Live and learn I guess.

I guess somehow, someway, I am looking for a solution and/or a way for me to get out of this without being hurt anymore...but I probably can't and hurting now is probably a small price to pay for a lifetime without the same pain and disrespect.

christmaslady

Thanks. My only regret is that I did open myself up (to the wrong person) and now I have to rebuild...but how?