my husband and i have been together for a year, but we live together 2 years before our marriage, we used to lived in the small apartment sharing with other people. because my bad experience regarding money, made me very sensible in spending money, now we live comfortably paying house off. i always have intuition but sometime i ignored it. and it start when he helping his work mate and i can sniff something not right. two weeks ago my husband open up to me, telling me that he have feelings for other girl (his work mate) and he is afraid that the feeling is true love. that make me sick, i been depressed since then. i asked him to choose between me or that girl. first he chose me and promised to let her go and not to contact her, but he keep thinking about her and contact her when he goes off to work. he always make sure that his mobile phone's history deleted before he goes home. but one day he missed it and i check it, i confronted him and he sorry, cry but he said that he don't want to let her go, don't want to let me go as well.
honestly, i don't know what i am going to do. i am still young but i am alone in this country, i already broke my family (which is very traditional) heart, made my parents ashamed of me because i was divorced.
i feel like man cannot be trusted.
my self esteem also is not great, i always think that i am useless, ugly. i have not finish dealing with my self esteem issue and this issue come up.
i don't know what to do, i don't even know what love is.
Hang in there. Its hard not having anyone to talk to especially family but at least there is this website to vent to. I have been going through a similar situation as you except my H is having an EA with one of our mutual friends. People have been telling me to fix my selfesteem first and then work on my marriage maybe that is good advice Im just trying it out today. Please keep posting it really does help it has me....
thanks for your reply. i am updating my story here. this morning after did not have any sleep i was in the lowest bottom point emotionally and i called him at his work. i cry and saying stupid things like i am afraid that i do bad things to my self. no intention to threaten him what so ever. he got scared and call that girl and tell that he cant contact her again. and he call me,its over, and then i went to sleep, for 4 hours and when he come back, he gets angry, telling me that i am sick in the head, try to manipulate him to get my way and i don't want to make him happy. he left, and i was devastated. pack my bag, bought some supplies, without knowing where to go. i just drive. few hours later he calls, begging me to come home. and i almost gave up already, and yet he said he realized that he wants me, knowing that i dont need him. i confused, really
why he do this to me? i came home, he looks so happy, and act like nothing bad ever happened. i don't know whether i can trust him, i simply questioning everything. he told me i don't deserve all the things that he did to me. he said sorry and want to make new start again. i don't understand how easy he can change, just like that. please help me, show me what is he doing to me? is just a tactic or what?
from a man's point of view, it sounds like he is using a tactic....and that tactic is to get a handle on his emotions and to gain your trust again
I am not saying that he has changed what I am saying is that he understands the situation has gotten out of his control
when you threaten him with hurting yourself you make it abundantly clear to him that he may have married you and brought you to live with him in but he cannot control your emotions and happiness like he once was able to do
like any person he wants to have a sense of control in his life and now that he has upset the harmony of you and his home he has to deal with the chaos.....very unsettling for him
the best thing you can do is to gain a sense of self worth.....my suggestion would be to work in your own garden, gain a sense of control over your own realm, are you educated? yes, find a job or get more training to make yourself attractive to an employer, work is salvation, it gives you self confidence, money and achievement ...... all of which results in self confidence....the greatest most attractive feature any woman can have
are you not educated? then get your self started to getting a diploma, GED or university..... resources are available to you you just have to try
doing this is what I call working in your garden, make yourself attractive by cultivating your most beautiful and important flower....YOU!
doing so will attract you friends and colleagues then you won't be alone, the time for sitting back and letting your husband be the sole source for your hapiness, spiritual and financial is over, this is the time for independence, work in your garden and he'll come to visit it and see how beautiful you are
I agree with the other posts. First of all you need to work on YOU. Build up your self confidence and work on your self esteem. Once you do that you will realize you are WORTH it and deserve better. Best of Luck to you.
manchild: Thanks so much for your advice and i agree with you. i should work on my confidence. i am an educated woman, i am dedicated to my work and sometimes think i might spend too much time working than all this things is slide in my life. i understand the self esteem issues in my life and dealing with it daily and this does not help me at all. You right, when i am at work, i felt much better because its fulfill me, but with this happen, i take some time off work
he always told me that i am an attractive, smart woman even making more money than him but why he fall for other woman?
his tactic scared me honestly.
Mommy2, I am working on it, but very slowly. any ideas that i could use perhaps?
his tactic should scare you, his actions are inconsistant with someone that is putting your relationship first
all is not lost though, you can still work through this
it appears from my reading that your H is a US national? or at least the naturalized member between you two and you are the immigrant? if so then you have left all your support network behind to follow your husband to his home country putting him at the advantage for support
on the other hand if you are making more money than he then he is at a disadvantage in that his self esteem is hurt and his actions are poorly calculated movements he feels he needs to make in order to regain control of his own 'garden'
you being an immigrant bring chaos into the situation by the sheer nature of the fact that your customs and social contract is slightly different than his own, again he can't control that and it would make him in some way or form in unfamiliar territory
I have also been in in cross cultural relationships and have found that they are hard (for me untennable) as I am so used to a specific type of woman, society has trained me to seek a partner where as other cultures teach the man to be head of household and the woman to be supportive
I am uncomfortable with that to some extent, in most things I want to be in charge yet I want my wife to seek parity with me, and at times I can let her lead but for the 90% of the time I want to rule the roost, and always in the bedroom
if the woman takes a 100% submissive role I am not comfortable with that
what is your situation? talk to your husband, ask him what he is comfortable with
talk to him about your jobs, open the door to speak about finances, tell him jokingly "hey I make more money than you, at least this is a 'good' problem for us to have" keep it light but if he is uncomfortable with that then you need to talk it out
he may be acting out of lack of self esteem and this could be very damaging to your marriage, you need to get a hold of this right now and you'll do it by talking about it
Even though in these times it is common for the wife to make more money than the man, it still is hard on him, I know it would be for me, make certain that he knows that there are things that he does for you that are just as important as the money
let him know that life in a relationship/marriage is a series of compromises, you have compromised greatly by coming to his country, he can also compromise by talking this out with you and telling you his honest feelings, you as his wife have a right to know
Please note that I have made huge assumptions in what is happening between you two, I just base it upon what you have written and how I would feel......that being said, take what I've said with a grain of salt and if appropriate apply it to your situation
manchild: i decided to go back to my own country for month and half as i dont have much support in this country.
cross cultural marriage are very challenging and maybe he is not able to handle it or other reason.
for me, wife is a partner to husband in marriage life therefore i am not agreeing that wife should submissive to husband 100%.
we talked a lot and we are each other best friends. that is what make him scared that he dont feel love to me just a good friendships.
i still dont think he understand how much i sacrifice and adjust according to his culture. i think he is still selfish and want to think about himself only.
i get hurt badly but he could bear the fact that he did this to me.
i am willing to start all over again but he could not forgive himself and could not trust self that he wont hurt me again.
his word is could not be trusted because he said he love me and dont want me to go but few hours later he said that he dont know whether he love me and he dont care if i leave him.
its hurt me different way.
my friends afraid that if i go away that he might contact that girl and leave me for her. but for me, what ever its need to happen let it happened. i dont have any control of this situation.
i think i tried my best to keep him stay with me but if he want to leave me for what ever reason, i let him be.
i think emotional affair is very hard to deal with. its certainly rock my marriage.