So every now and then I think about what my husband has done and I just get the urge to go and get him back. I hate how angry I still am after a YEAR. I just wish that it would go away but It just bothers me to think of him touching and kissing her I try to convince myself that what he did was minor but its not I am just a fool to ever try to tell myself anything other then that. And he always tells me that I am making it much worst then it was. That really pisses me off to. I think that I am just so sick and tired of always being the nice person. But then on the other hand me sexting this guy at work and the things we say I mean I really dont know if thats just as bad as what he did. And if it is then I guess I have NO ROOM TO TALK! SORRY I am just blabbling about nothing just needed to right my thoughts. I dont have a best friend anymore lol she made out with my HUSBAND. ughhhh
I've read most of your posts about what happened and what has happened since...and I'm sorry it all happened...BUT - I think its to the point that you have to accept it (fully), forgive it (fully) and move on with your life with your husband OR just move on with a divorce. You aren't being fair to your husband, your kids, or yourself in the vicious circle you keep yourself in. The constant anger is doing nothing to restore your marriage. The flirting and sexting are as bad (if not worse) than your husband kissing another girl (in my mind anyway). If your not committed to making it work (and by your actions you aren't) then make a clean break....I think you'll all be happier in the end.
I've read most of your posts about what happened and what has happened since...and I'm sorry it all happened...BUT - I think its to the point that you have to accept it (fully), forgive it (fully) and move on with your life with your husband OR just move on with a divorce. You aren't being fair to your husband, your kids, or yourself in the vicious circle you keep yourself in. The constant anger is doing nothing to restore your marriage. The flirting and sexting are as bad (if not worse) than your husband kissing another girl (in my mind anyway). If your not committed to making it work (and by your actions you aren't) then make a clean break....I think you'll all be happier in the end.
Well said, TNgirl.
Sunflower...
Disregard the following if you aren't planning to IMMEDIATELY cease all forms of sexual contact with other men:
You don't want to be here (like me), years after your husband's infidelity, still attempting to make peace with everything that's happened. Hopefully you're smarter than me and move forward NOW instead of carrying that incredibly heavy load of anger (and pain rage guilt sadness self-loathing hurt fear) for several years more. That load is so heavy that given enough time it will cripple you ... maybe irreversibly.
You lost your best friend... perhaps you can find a new best friend in your husband. When you look at him try to remember those things that you loved so much about him before the infidelity.
"Getting him back" only makes you out to be no better than him. And since his actions disgusted you, then your actions will or should disgust yourself. There's no point in joining his ranks, be the better person and set the good example for him and your kids (they will probably find out when they get older if they haven't already). "Sexting" inmy mind is very inappropriate behavior for anyone who is married and doing this to someone other than their mate. My wife was engaged in this back in May and I just recently discovered that it may still be going on under an alias on facebook. I personally don't feel it's as bad as physical contact, but the emotional distraction from me is unfair.
I don't know your full story, but if you still love your husband then you must move on from this. The stress on yourself is unhealthy emotionally and physically. For some reason it seems that women tend to dwell on things for a very long time, the saying "a woman scourned..." comes to mind. I don't know why this is. I would never do to my wife what she has done to me because I KNOW she would never let me forget it and I would forever be trying to make it up to her. I would hate to be in that position! To me, it simply wouldn't be worth the few moments of ecstacy I might experience.
Sunflower, for yourself and your family, be proud that you didn't behave exactly like your husband and move on if he has corrected his course. And don't be "sexting" anyone, if your husband finds out about this then he will think that this gives him a license to go back to his ways, and then the marriage is over and your girls will be bouncing back and forth every other weekend...
At the risk of seeming harsh, I'd ask a couple questions.
So, your sexting someone else. Why? Because its fun and a release form the anger? Or soley as a way to get back at H?
If your sexting someone else AND you cannot forgive your H, then, Do you truely love him or simply the idea of marraige that you have held on to?
Sexting someone else secretly from your husband is wrong only because your keeping it from him. Relationship requires pure openess. When that does not exist, there is not much of a relationship, and I would argue, there is also not love.
Fogive him separate from everything and regardless of your direction. Let it go and out of your system. THEN decide if he's still the man for you and get moving in the direction you decide.
Happiness comes from within you, not from the circumstances around you.
I hope you let it go and get happy!!!!!!!
Wishing you the Best!
sunflower, at the end of this day, at the end of your life, all you will have left is your honor. All you will leave behind is a legacy of how well you've lived. An example or template for how to live a life worth living, or an example or template on how to squander one of the greatest gifts God will ever give you.
Each day we decide anew and add another thread to the pattern. Over time if our choices are wise, the pattern grows and resonates with the beauty and harmony, that is a life well lived.
If we repeatedly decide poorly, the patterns blurs and becomes lost. It becomes ugly and discordant. Useful for perhaps little more than keeping some poor animal warm.
I implore you to choose wisely where you'll place each remaining thread. What pattern will you have yourself create with the rest of your life? Will you choose harmony or chaos? Will you loose sight of the pattern, or will you opt to present your children with the greatest gift you can possibly give them...an example of a life well lived.
Just a few thoughts from a man who has misplaced a thread or two in his life as well. LIL
I Know I need to move on with my life and forgive and move on. Its so hard I think that I may blame him for EVERYTHING. More so then her? I know that its wrong and it takes two. But I really think that I miss her more then I do him. And in a way not. I just miss how things were and they will NEVER be the same ever I do love my husband and want to be happy so bad. SO BAD.
I think that I am doing what I am doing because of what he did. Because before this all I would never in a million years cheat in any form. Then this happens and well doing what I am doing feels good for a second but then in the end I just end up feeling horrible and wanting my husband then feeling awful for what I did and then what he did.
I also hate that my MOTHER IN LAW and sister in law always talk about the other damn couple oh did you see how cute her picture was just things like that. Like they just dont give a S*&^% that I am sitting right there its almost like they bring her up purposly. Plus I tried to make contact her and have been denied and it makes me really upset because she is the one that did me wrong and she acts like that????
I do feel sorry for my husband there have been plenty times we almost ended because my actions. I just am so stupid about it all and reading your things on here its like you all want so bad to forgive and I am just so mad at him. I feel he did it to Hurt me. because of all the women he chose her? I just miss how things were and what I thought we had and that was a solid relationship.
So, question?
If things are not going well, what will you do different?
I've read that the defninition of insanity is doing the same things but expecting different results. (i like this def)
Excuse my opinion: You need to get some help getting a new outlook. That = therapy, some friends, books, all, etc.
I am having issues not like yours. A friend insisted I read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. Its not a self help book nor is it a relationship book. Its simply a book regarding perspective. I hate to suggest and i'm certainly not saying that its a "solution" however it was useful for me to get relief in a big way to things that were weighing me down.
Your husband that you love is still there as are your kiddies.
I hope he is "in it" with you and recommited, but either way: Don't live in the past and lament that the past is not now... it simply will never be.
So, question?
If things are not going well, what will you do different?
I've read that the defninition of insanity is doing the same things but expecting different results. (i like this def)
OHHHHH so true I cant tell you what it is that I do thats differant I try to be differant and be a better person but its sooooo hard to do that. its easy to dwell on the bad things. I hate that and I wonder why it is that way?
Excuse my opinion: You need to get some help getting a new outlook. That = therapy, some friends, books, all, etc.
I dont think its bad you dont need to excuse yourself thats why I am here! I agree I do need help but I need someone thats good and I need good friends. In that I thought I had I miss them but why?
I am having issues not like yours. A friend insisted I read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. Its not a self help book nor is it a relationship book. Its simply a book regarding perspective. I hate to suggest and i'm certainly not saying that its a "solution" however it was useful for me to get relief in a big way to things that were weighing me down.
For sure I will try that book I think that i need something thats for me and my serf esteem.
Your husband that you love is still there as are your kiddies.
I hope he is "in it" with you and recommited, but either way: Don't live in the past and lament that the past is not now... it simply will never be.
Today is now.
You can and will be happy
Good LUCK!!!!
thank you for your words really I do wish that I had friends like you around. I live in such a super ficial state and place I hate it I just want real ppl around me.
I'm ready for the backlash but before you all blast away please read the LONG LIST of post from Sunflower and realize sometimes a little tough love on her seems to help.
Sunflower: look at the pattern here. You like Drama/Attention. We are in a season where you and your problems are not the center of attention therefore, you build the drama in your mind by reliving the 'event', going a little crazy, and then reaching out to the cyber world to give you a big hug and let you know you are important and pretty and right etc.... GET SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR GODS SAKE!! I cant believe you are blaming your husbands actions for your desire to cheat/sext/show naked pictures/play strip poker etc.... with other men. It is your excuse to get the attention that you crave due to your lack of self esteem!! Come on already girl. You may be a little crazy but you can fix that with help. Then you can grow up act like a mature adult, be the wife and mother you are now required to be. Otherwise I guarantee you that you will drive your husband away into the arms of someone who is a bit more.....well......sane. And honestly you are F*&^%ng up your daughters future by wiring thier developing brains with the kind of drama that you are creating in your house. If you think they cant sense your crazy gene you are wrong. Those kids are soaking it in like a sponge and will grow to be just as insecure and craving of mens attention as you are. It is up to you to put a stop the this cycle.
P.S. you are good enough and strong enough to change (with help). So, do it now!! none of us are getting any younger and life is too short to live like you have been living.
I'm ready for the backlash but before you all blast away please read the LONG LIST of post from Sunflower and realize sometimes a little tough love on her seems to help.
Sunflower: look at the pattern here. You like Drama/Attention. We are in a season where you and your problems are not the center of attention therefore, you build the drama in your mind by reliving the 'event', going a little crazy, and then reaching out to the cyber world to give you a big hug and let you know you are important and pretty and right etc.... GET SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR GODS SAKE!! I cant believe you are blaming your husbands actions for your desire to cheat/sext/show naked pictures/play strip poker etc.... with other men. It is your excuse to get the attention that you crave due to your lack of self esteem!! Come on already girl. You may be a little crazy but you can fix that with help. Then you can grow up act like a mature adult, be the wife and mother you are now required to be. Otherwise I guarantee you that you will drive your husband away into the arms of someone who is a bit more.....well......sane. And honestly you are F*&^%ng up your daughters future by wiring thier developing brains with the kind of drama that you are creating in your house. If you think they cant sense your crazy gene you are wrong. Those kids are soaking it in like a sponge and will grow to be just as insecure and craving of mens attention as you are. It is up to you to put a stop the this cycle.
P.S. you are good enough and strong enough to change (with help). So, do it now!! none of us are getting any younger and life is too short to live like you have been living.
Ok so I understand why you would think that. I do think that I can be over the top and a BIT DRAMA. I did find out last year this time I think thats why I am a bit down also we havent had our traditional friends get together its a bit sad. I do agree with you I think that I do need help and someone besides my husband to help me work through the emotions I have. Also I dont think that I was the type that needed attention from other men. Cause deep down I just want it from my husband I want to be his one and only. I think that I am just having a really hard time with me Not being his one and only and he at some point wanted someone other then me. Its a HARD pill to swollow I guess. I just got a really hard smack in the face dont you understand that????
Sunflower - you got a hard smack in the face a year ago (and not nearly as hard a smack as many on the boards who have moved forward in one way or another at a faster pace.) You, my dear, are stuck spinning your wheels in self pity, and you want the rest of the world to spin with you. You want others to justify the decisions you have made since you found out and tell you your right and that its ok what you've done. That what your husband did excuses your behavior. It doesn't. You have to decide right now whether you are going to be a person that says "Life did this to me, I'm just a bystander with no control....boo-hoo" or are you going to be a person who takes their life by the horns and takes back control? Life doesn't happen to you....you allow what happens to define you, and your self definition at the moment is very poor. You don't need to have to have "someone want you" to be happy - you need to happy with yourself and then let everything else be a bonus. Your friend wasn't a "real friend" so just let her go...its time. Go find new friends - there are a lot of people in the world. You can start the same traditions, but with "real friends" not false.
Sunflower - you got a hard smack in the face a year ago (and not nearly as hard a smack as many on the boards who have moved forward in one way or another at a faster pace.) You, my dear, are stuck spinning your wheels in self pity, and you want the rest of the world to spin with you. You want others to justify the decisions you have made since you found out and tell you your right and that its ok what you've done. That what your husband did excuses your behavior. It doesn't. You have to decide right now whether you are going to be a person that says "Life did this to me, I'm just a bystander with no control....boo-hoo" or are you going to be a person who takes their life by the horns and takes back control? Life doesn't happen to you....you allow what happens to define you, and your self definition at the moment is very poor. You don't need to have to have "someone want you" to be happy - you need to happy with yourself and then let everything else be a bonus. Your friend wasn't a "real friend" so just let her go...its time. Go find new friends - there are a lot of people in the world. You can start the same traditions, but with "real friends" not false.
Ya I know what you are saying it was a year ago when I got my smach in the face and its not NEARLY as hard as all of the others in here. But how do you move on from something that you dont know what it really was? I mean HOW can you tell if someone really had feelings for another or if it was just a drunk I am alone and me and my wife dont get along things arent right night?
I am spinning my freaking wheels and going insane I like to play that I am ok but some days I AM JUST NOT. I hate living this way I just want to be happy I cant take the damage I am doing to myself. I am so mad because things are working out great for everyone and I am not sure that I beleive in Karma anymore cause she for sure didnt get it. I just dont understand how things can be soooo right then go so wrong.
And I am not trying to use what he did as a excuse for what I am doing I have no clue wtf I am doing. I am being such a idiot I love my Hubsand so much it just hurts. I cant live with him but I for sure cant live without him. I guess I just get so humiliated when we are around old friends and they look at me like um your dumb to stay he doesnt love you he wanted her. And I really dont know if thats true or not???? Cause when I talked to her when all this went down she made it out like he wanted her and was figuring that out. And that just pisses me off. I cant beleive that she had the nerve to say that to me?
Who are you going to believe - your husband who has stayed with you throughout the past year with getting absolutely no headway from you on working towards fixing your marriage (and you are not working on fixing it - if you were - the anger/blame game would of subsided AND you would not be having your own affair with a coworker!!!!!!) or the other woman - who didn't get what she wanted? Of course she's going to tell you he wanted her - do you think she would say "oh I was holding him down and making him kiss me? He totally wasn't in to it at all?" Of course she's going to make it seem like that.
You don't know what other people or thinking - its your own low self esteem that is the voices in your head.
You have got to get past the questioning it - he stayed and he hasn't repeated the behavior - that is your sign!!!! He wants to work on it with you. You are sabotaging it...not him, not the other woman, not your friends....its all on you at this point. Get your butt into counseling - alone or with your hubby - and get the answers to your questions instead of continually hosting your own pity party.
You say you understand what we are saying...and in the next sentence go right back to...poor me....why me....boo hoo. Snap out of it woman and take control of your own life....no one else is going to do it for you.
I guess I just dont know where the hell to begin. And your right. I remember him telling me his story and her telling me hers. and her was that she was sitting down crying and he basically forced her to kiss him. UM NO I dont think so. Then yes he did grab her ass with the kiss but Seriously with every kiss there is a touch. I am just glad it wasnt crotch or boobs. OR SEX. It just angers me and I am sorry to be ranting about it for a year now. I do have a pitty party and I am the main event. I guess I need to say F&^^% what everyone thinks. I just DONT WANT TO BE MADE THE FOOL OF AGAIN. I cant even tell you how horrible that is. I think that was the biggest shot to my pride.
Tempted to cheat.
I try to convince myself that what he did was minor but its not I am just a fool to ever try to tell myself anything other then that. And he always tells me that I am making it much worst then it was. That really pisses me off to. I think that I am just so sick and tired of always being the nice person. But then on the other hand me sexting this guy at work and the things we say I mean I really dont know if thats just as bad as what he did. And if it is then I guess I have NO ROOM TO TALK! SORRY I am just blabbling about nothing just needed to right my thoughts. I dont have a best friend anymore lol she made out with my HUSBAND. ughhhh
I hope you let it go and get happy!!!!!!!
