How to stop throwing his EA in his Face

mrsbroken · 12-27-2009, 07:34 AM

Yesterday me and hubby got into a fight. It started because we were trying to built a cabinet I wanted to read the instrustion sheet and he wanted to put it together his way. Long story short he broke the cabinet and yelled at me that it was cheap that I should have waited till he could redo our bathroom that i was just wasting money. So I told him that the bathroom would already be done if he didn't spend all our money on his hobby so he throw all the money in his wallet at me and told me I could have all the money. Then he yelled am not putting up with this fussing again this year. That all i wanted to do was fuss so my answer to him was I may fuss but I have never cheated on you and that he was just a cheater and that I have never even thought about cheating on him and he could just leave and go back to the OW. So he got really mad and left and said he didn't know when he would be back. He did come back in 10min and acted like nothing had happened. Tried helping me finish cleaning the house. It seems like eveytime we fight and he says that all i do is fuss I throw his EA in his face. I feel he should stop acting like it's all my fault that he is so perfect when he is not. Am not sure what to do? I didn't start I even was letting him do what he wanted just turned out I was right.

mommy2 · 12-27-2009, 08:56 AM

Oh, I am so sorry. I know how hard that is! I am QUEEN of sarcasm & before my H's A, we would have terrible fights over the same things & I always said just what I knew would send him over the edge. Not that I am proud, just a fact. When we went to counseling after the A, that was brought up and I knew I was going to have to stop that. (even before counseling I knew)

The other thing I knew the moment I found out about the A & knowing that I wanted to stay with my H, was that I could NOT throw the A in his face everyday NOR could I use it during a fight. As you know, VERY, VERY, VERY hard......especially for me because I literally have to bite my tongue to hold in those stinging one liners!

Have you gone to counseling? If not, that may be an good option to help work through some things. I must say, the fact that he came back in 10 min AND then started helping you clean the house is very good. He is showing you he's there for YOU.

I'm sorry if you've already said this somewhere but what was your marriage like prior to EA? For me, it was not good and many things wrong with it were my fault. SO, I had to understand and accept that. So part of our recovering & rebuilding is up to ME. We are fixing our marriage that was broken - the A was horrible & wrong and we have to deal with that, BUT we also have to fix what is/was broken in our marriage and much of that has nothing to do with the A. You know what I mean? The A was a horrible act that occurred because of our broken marriage. IT didn't break my marriage - we both did that before.

So, I think as hard as it is - you have to put the EA in the back of your mind at times. Focus on the GOOD/positive things in your marriage and build on those. Our therapist told us we got into the habit of always looking for the negative in everything - our marriage, each other and we were always looking past the positives. If you start focusing on the positives, it's amazing how many less negatives you notice.

Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like many of our fights and playing the EA card is a defense move. You feel like your H thinks he is perfect, like everything is your fault, etc. Oh been there sister! So, in defense, you throw out that EA card because BOOM there you go, you won. But that's not the case, it just drives a wedge. As hard, as it is, you can't play that card. You need to sit and have long talks about why, what were you feeling during these fights, so you can nip them in the bud. This fight about the cabinet didn't have anything to do with your H's EA, truly.

You can do this. Trust me, if I can do this - anyone can. It's hard and just this week we had a few disagreements when it's been smooth sailing, but I knew this would come. Typing this is helping me to get my act together as well. So, thank you! Good Luck!!

mrsbroken · 12-28-2009, 05:56 AM

Thanks for your support! I know that our fight had nothing to do with his EA. He just drives me crazy acting like he did nothing and that he is always right. Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right. They only thing I know is that I love him and am trying to get over the hurt he caused and he doesn't seem to give me any credit. I was shocked that he came back so soon normally he would have stay away for hrs before coming back. Am confused.

HappyHer · 12-28-2009, 06:08 AM

mrsbroken, you noticed the pattern, so break it. Let him know, when he is accusing you of "fussing" all the time, that you feel that he is dismissing your feelings and that feels hurtful and disrespectful to you. If you feel tempted to pull the "Cheater" card on him, give yourself a time out instead. You might want to get into counseling to learn some healthier communication skills with each other.

lj2000 · 12-29-2009, 07:42 PM

If you can't go to counseling, you might be able to write privately onlline about some of your leftover bad feelings about the EA. It sounds like you need somewhere to vent and that otherwise it will pop out during arguments. I know how it feels to have someone who has done rotten stuff act holier than thou. It is a button pusher. It might be time to read an anger management book that has ideas on how to know when to discuss and how to keep mouth closed during hot situations and take time outs and all.