12-27-2009, 08:56 AM
Join Date: Oct 2009
| | Re: How to stop throwing his EA in his Face
Oh, I am so sorry. I know how hard that is! I am QUEEN of sarcasm & before my H's A, we would have terrible fights over the same things & I always said just what I knew would send him over the edge. Not that I am proud, just a fact. When we went to counseling after the A, that was brought up and I knew I was going to have to stop that. (even before counseling I knew)
The other thing I knew the moment I found out about the A & knowing that I wanted to stay with my H, was that I could NOT throw the A in his face everyday NOR could I use it during a fight. As you know, VERY, VERY, VERY hard......especially for me because I literally have to bite my tongue to hold in those stinging one liners!
Have you gone to counseling? If not, that may be an good option to help work through some things. I must say, the fact that he came back in 10 min AND then started helping you clean the house is very good. He is showing you he's there for YOU.
I'm sorry if you've already said this somewhere but what was your marriage like prior to EA? For me, it was not good and many things wrong with it were my fault. SO, I had to understand and accept that. So part of our recovering & rebuilding is up to ME. We are fixing our marriage that was broken - the A was horrible & wrong and we have to deal with that, BUT we also have to fix what is/was broken in our marriage and much of that has nothing to do with the A. You know what I mean? The A was a horrible act that occurred because of our broken marriage. IT didn't break my marriage - we both did that before.
So, I think as hard as it is - you have to put the EA in the back of your mind at times. Focus on the GOOD/positive things in your marriage and build on those. Our therapist told us we got into the habit of always looking for the negative in everything - our marriage, each other and we were always looking past the positives. If you start focusing on the positives, it's amazing how many less negatives you notice.
Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like many of our fights and playing the EA card is a defense move. You feel like your H thinks he is perfect, like everything is your fault, etc. Oh been there sister! So, in defense, you throw out that EA card because BOOM there you go, you won. But that's not the case, it just drives a wedge. As hard, as it is, you can't play that card. You need to sit and have long talks about why, what were you feeling during these fights, so you can nip them in the bud. This fight about the cabinet didn't have anything to do with your H's EA, truly.
You can do this. Trust me, if I can do this - anyone can. It's hard and just this week we had a few disagreements when it's been smooth sailing, but I knew this would come. Typing this is helping me to get my act together as well. So, thank you! Good Luck!!