Never Thought I would be on here!
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-31-2009, 07:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Never Thought I would be on here!

Well here it is:

Been married for just over a year and together for over 5. My wife left in July for a course until recently. Before she left things were good between us, we had just moved to a brand new location and were starting out our new lives. She was upset that I had been away a lot and showed up a week after our stuff arrived due to my work obligations but things were good. We maxed out our time together exploring our new surroundings before her inevitable departure.

The course she was on was a very stressful one and she was the only women of 15 students. She was far away, in Ontario with our home being on Vancouver Island in BC. As the course progressed she began to change. She called less and became disinterested in everything. She began to isolate herself from all her friends and family but I assumed it was the stress of this course, its known for its constant pressure. It was an Air Traffic Control course where they all lived in the same building and spent probably 12 hours together a day. As the course progressed more students kept failing until only 6 remained. Finally, after her not calling me for 4 days, I snapped on Nov 23rd and confronted her if there was anything going on. Her mom was also concerned about isolation. My wife said she felt that we weren't connecting and felt like we were more friends. I promised to make more of an effort and told her of my plans to surprise her on our first anniversary in 2 weeks. She seemed happy with that and I put more energy into the relationship. Plus I made more of an effort to call and send cute messages.

So finally on Dec4th I headed out to meet her and right away I could tell she wasn't her old self. She did kiss me, but made a comment about bad breath, the first thing she did after getting into this fancy hotel I booked for her was turn on the TV and started watching and even MSN messaging. Before bed she had a bath and read a magazine and made little effort to talk. She seemed a bit off but it wasnt terrible. Not as interested in my holding my hand for example but it was a pretty good weekend and by Sunday things had improved.

Then zoom to the next week where she once again didnt call me one night. Also, I sent her a card that she didn't even bother to pick up.

So finally that weekend she came home and I arrived 2 days later. She didnt even get out of her car to greet me, no kiss. I tried to hug her and kiss her after getting out of the car and said "I love you" in which she replied "uh uh". As the next couple days unfolded she showed very little interest in me and I grew suspicious. First I checked her phone and sure enough there was a conversation for 30 mins at 7am with a name I didn't recognize. She called this dude on the way to work, but I didnt mention anything. Finally, I got into her email the next day and my world came crashing down. It said "This is what makes me smile love you" and was signed with some nickname I have never seen before and attached was a pic of them together. It was from the same 5 day stretch she didn't call me. Of course I freaked and said she screwed up and it was over. How was I going to get over this bomb in my life? We bought a beautiful new house with great new jobs in a fabulous location. She blew it. She claimed it was only an emotional affair which I do believe. Its my gut feeling and I called the guy, I mean we all work in the same organization so I figured he should man up and his story matched.

Well after 3 days of fighting and tormenting I decided maybe I should try to work things out. So we had probably the most intimate conversation we ever had had. Things were looking good and although it wasn't going to be easy, we could do this - together. Well, of course this dude had been calling and the next night he called at midnight our time, 4am his time. I knew she wanted to check her phone so I left the room and came back to catch her reaching over the bed. She came up with some bs lie but I couldnt believe after beginning to move on she lied to my face. She was never ever like this before. It broke my heart to see the person I thought I could trust with everything lie to my face. So the next day, after her showing up 2 hours later for a lunch date, I said I wasn't sure what I was going to do. My mind felt something just wasn't right. Should I break it off? I didnt know. So I decided to head to see some family and friends and left that evening on a flight. I could tell she was upset and admitted she felt she was a horrible person and screwed up. I thought maybe after leaving for a couple days she could sort some stuff out.

Well, the next day, I told her I was coming home xmas day and she said not to bother because she was heading to her parents house, across the country. She said she wasnt ready to talk because she was too emotional and needed some peace and quiet and we could talk after the new years. This was all done via MSN messenger because she wouldnt even talk to me. I panicked a bit and asked her to stay there so I could catch the next flight and we could talk. She didnt want to, she didnt want to talk for 9 days.

So here I am, 7 days later, after a tormenting week of shock, betrayal, hurt, and silence. She has made zero effort to contact me. This emotional affair thing is more serious than I thought. She really wants to talk to this guy. I havent stated every part of the story for brevity but I can tell she likes talking to him. Maybe I should have stayed but why should I feel like I did anything wrong.

This is the textbook case of how something like this could happen. She is not the cheating type, trust me. But just like most emotional affairs with coworkers, she slowly began talking more and more with this guy until they were talking about our relationship. There was no girls for her to hang out with and she did need some source of stress relief, unfortunately it involved infidelity. Apparently the last week they kissed and that was the extent of it. I suppose kissing can mean a few things. But anyhow I am not sure on how to react.

Ultimately I would like my wife back. She will be back the same day as me in our house on the 2nd. The guy is on the opposite side of the country,thousands of miles away. He geographically is not in the picture. Although if he was, I have a feeling I would getting kicked to the curb.

1) Am I rationalizing too much? I mean I never thought in a million years she would cheat. She has never done it before and when we used to talk about, it made her sick that anyone could do that.

2) How do I react when I get home in 2 days? My thoughts are to keep it cool. Just let things settle and realize the reasons why she married me.

3) Was it fair on me that she cut me out for 9 days straight of her life? WE ARE MARRIED. Its not fair her heart isnt into me like it used to be and she can go 9 days without talking to me. I am not even sure she is going to call to wish me happy new years.

4) HELP!
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Old 12-31-2009, 08:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Never Thought I would be on here!

Hey "itsanewday".

If you have some friends.... find them and get them around you. "True Friends" friends that is.

For your "wife", I dunno bud, it will only ever work if both people want it to. Right now it does not seem that she wants to.
I sometimes say, "Expect the best but Plan for the worst".

I'm sure this all hurts and you'll see plenty of similar stories here.

Have you asked her what happened? Why she felt you were not there for her?
Problem that I see is that even in the face of the truth she lied to you and continued to do so. You (in my opinion) should start figuring out what you need to do as if she's not coming back. Because even if she did, are you going to be able to get past not only the affair but the subsequent lying to your face?
I wanted to add, that although it does not make the hurt less (in fact it may hurt more) the fact that you are only into the marraige a year, will make it legally and emotionally easier for you to move forward (if that's what heppens).



Wishing you the best.

Last edited by 63Vino; 12-31-2009 at 08:16 PM. Reason: addition
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Never Thought I would be on here!

Hi, sorry to hear your story, so many just like this on this forum.
Maybe you should just try to talk to her about why she feels the connection with this guy, ask her how she feels about you and your marriage, ask her is wants out. Sometimes the reality check conversation is enough to make her really think if the new guy is worth breaking your trust in her....
she has to make the decision herself, tell her it's something that you can't tolerate and if this is who she wants she needs to leave.
good luck and I hope it's just a fleeting thing and the two of you can work it out........
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Old 01-02-2010, 10:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Never Thought I would be on here!

I hate to make this worse for you, but I would find it IMPOSSIBLE to believe she is so crazy about this guy she was living with for 6 months and the affair never got physical. Imposible. Sorry man. Start accepting that reality as well.

You don't have kids. You're young. She's already checked out. Time to walk, my friend. Don't worry about the money. All you need is a suitcase and you're skills and you'll be fine. They are rewriting credit scores as we speak to account for foreclosures in this messed-up economy, so that won't even plague you.

Good luck.
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