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The Magnitude of Infidelity

33K views 272 replies 51 participants last post by  ineverthought 
#1 ·
Infidelity is a life changing event for everyone involved with scars that last a lifetime. A question for both the WS and the BS - how has infidelity changed your life? Your kids lives? Your friendships and other relationships? Your job? I am curious just how far reaching the impact of infidelity has on someones life.
 
#5 ·
My wife cheated on me 5 years ago. In that time we've tried counseling, we've tried getting closer, we've tried being more open...

And here 5 years later I legitimately can't stand her. I daydream about the day my child turns 18 so I can leave the wife and never speak to her again.

Mine was a huge shock at the time. I never saw it coming so it blindsided me. I was in shock. As time went on I somehow started to believe it was my fault. I mean it must have been, right?

Then as that stage passed, and I noticed that she was working on doing it again with someone else, I realized it wasn't my fault at all.

I love my child though and I won't put her through a divorce. The wife and I get along just fine now. No fighting, we do family stuff with the child, etc.

As for intimacy, I'm absolutely revolted by her. Just having to give her a peck at night turns my stomach.

That's what the magnitude of infidelity is.
 
#6 ·
There is not a single thing it does not touch - it's like a cancer.

Lets take the one
infidelity/1

two single people - annihilation of trust two famillies numbed by the betrayal. Lose friends and loyalties etc etc

Result - If it finished you both you live and learn hopefully to watch your back in the future but your ability to 'trust' however has taken a massive kick in the proverbial balls

infidelity 2/a- married with two kids. After the personal betrayal deceit lies - the usual - First thing that hits you is that the betrayal is actually upon the kids too! Their hopes, their dreams their in built 'feeling secure' in a family unit that nobody can penetrate is gone, torn down - and forever. Their trust is also betrayed as mum or dad selfishly went outside of their married boundary and ripped everything up. They don't see their nan amd grand dad anymore as often and it's always with a 'strange atmosphere'. Their friends suddenly treat them a little differently they feel tainted.
The lives of your children are effectively destroyed.
Then of course there's you also on the receiving end of all this

2/b- Lets say the infidelity was with another married person with kids

Just double everything I've said above !! - great !

Magnitude enough

Infidelity 3 - the serial cake eating cheat

All of the above but but in multiples of a dozen!!

I have of course missed out on scenarios but tat should encompass some

Take one's own personal humiliation, emasculation into account outside of the children and the family and you have one mother fkr of a cheating scumbag at the epicenter of it all

__________________

Personally there is of course the lack of self respect and confidence that will hit like a train as a BS tries to forgive to reconcile once twice etc. and the feeling that we the BS are at fault for it all.

Love I don't think is the problem for BS but trust of course is and will always be so

My heart will always flutter at a gorgeous woman but my head and emotions are now as hard as nails. I've has 20 years of 2 serial cheats and no-one will ever cheat on me again.
 
#7 ·
I think the impact of infidelity and the recovery from it are very much determined by a BS's personality BEFORE the cheating occurs.

When I was cheated on by my long term GF (were discussing M), I instantly and deliberately went about killing my feelings for her by turning them to angry hate. I knew the hate would only be temporary, but would be replaced by a total indifference after a month or two. After that, I could care less about her at all. It made it easy for me to reject her appeals to try again 8 months later. She was dead to me.

And I have never struggled with trusting other women after her. I knew they were not her, and I was never looking for them to suddenly start the same bs. They were individuals and I treated each that way.

I know this sounds too easy, but my point is that THIS has always been my personality towards people who have wronged me my entire life, though their are often times I do seek payback or revenge when in the hateful/angry stage after I have been screwed over by someone.

I could never picture myself being any other way in a life situation involving betrayal and being treated unjustly. I think the pattern has always been there and I just followed it almost without thinking.

However, I have dear friends and family who are nothing like me and do suffer long term from the wrongs done to them. But as with me, they also seem to follow a pattern.

Many of them are rugsweepers (especially my family). They without hesitation will try to immediately put the issue in the past, but it always is boiling just under the surface and instantly comes back out in arguments. This was done with my maternal grandmother's infidelity as well as my sister's husbands. But I also recognize that it is done with EVERY issue. And the excuse is always given that God commands us to forgive and move on.

Sorry this was so long, but I guess my point is that there will always be a difference in how people are effected by cheating, but I think those differences are more a result of who we are before the issue ever arises in our lives rather than the circumstances of the cheating itself.
 
#8 ·
I think the impact of infidelity and the recovery from it are very much determined by a BS's personality BEFORE the cheating occurs.

When I was cheated on by my long term GF (were discussing M), I instantly and deliberately went about killing my feelings for her by turning them to angry hate. I knew the hate would only be temporary, but would be replaced by a total indifference after a month or two. After that, I could care less about her at all. It made it easy for me to reject her appeals to try again 8 months later. She was dead to me.

And I have never struggled with trusting other women after her. I knew they were not her, and I was never looking for them to suddenly start the same bs. They were individuals and I treated each that way.

I know this sounds too easy, but my point is that THIS has always been my personality towards people who have wronged me my entire life, though their are often times I do seek payback or revenge when in the hateful/angry stage after I have been screwed over by someone.

I could never picture myself being any other way in a life situation involving betrayal and being treated unjustly. I think the pattern has always been there and I just followed it almost without thinking.

However, I have dear friends and family who are nothing like me and do suffer long term from the wrongs done to them. But as with me, they also seem to follow a pattern.

Many of them are rugsweepers (especially my family). They without hesitation will try to immediately put the issue in the past, but it always is boiling just under the surface and instantly comes back out in arguments. This was done with my maternal grandmother's infidelity as well as my sister's husbands. But I also recognize that it is done with EVERY issue. And the excuse is always given that God commands us to forgive and move on.

Sorry this was so long, but I guess my point is that there will always be a difference in how people are effected by cheating, but I think those differences are more a result of who we are before the issue ever arises in our lives rather than the circumstances of the cheating itself.
I have those in my family too. Rug sweeping allows the WS to get away with it. It seems to me infidelity destroys everything in its path. Even remorseful WS acknowledge that it changed their lives forever. I wonder if the BS ever looks at their WS the same way again.
 
#12 ·
True and from my personal experience - the affair - even if not talked about is always there. I'll give an example - a couple we know very well just recently celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. When the wife posted it on facebook - the conversation eventually turned to the affair the husband had years earlier. It was kind of like yeah they are married x number of years but do you remember when X had his girldfriend? He was never looked at the same way again by those who remembered. It never really goes away just fades into the background...
 
#14 ·
Along with the usual things from dday +, I watch what it did to our 15 year old daughter and how it, literally, destroyed her life. Like watching a nightmare play out. Your marriage, family... just melt down the drain.

I also, in the moth following dday had pain in my heart so bad I was taken to the hospital with what was believed to be a heart attack but was diagnosed as severe heart stress.

Now, 14 years or so later, I simply have little trust for my second wife or otherwise.

Then I see people like XXX who recently started a thread and justifies herself with phoney excuses as the OW and I realize just how inhumanely toxic, cold and callous people can be to all around them. It's like a form of PTSD.
 
#17 · (Edited)
It has changed my life socially. A lot of my married/cohabiting friends with their own families kind of backed off. They didn't know how to approach/support me and maybe I've also distanced myself from them? On the flipside, I've made a lot of new friends and developed a new support system through them - even meeting women through baby play groups etc. that are in my exact situation or close to it right now. That has helped. I've also drawn closer to my family via telephone and a trip with my kids across the province and that has helped too. As for his family - I once adored them but his mother has been so cruel (blood is thicker than water after all) and his brother, once my best-friend has shown me indifference. That hurt but now I don't care.

The first few months were really ugly for me. I was 8 months pregnant on D-Day, with our second child. I felt like I'd been stabbed, had my heart ripped out. Gutted. I was in shock, devastated and hypersensitive to threats of any kind, coming from any place at all. I cried a lot, I was in bed a lot just listening to the two same CDs on my computer that I can't listen to today and prepared to be a single-mother of two. I lost fifteen pounds whilst pregnant. When my son came home from his summer trip with family, I put on a brave face and trudged through the day. Then there were moments of bravado where I felt courageous, strong, untuchable, confident. I thought I was healing.

Back in January/February - right after Christmas/New Year's I suppose, I crashed again. The insomnia, nausea, lack of appetite, obsessive thoughts etc. came back ten-fold. I wanted to die. I lost another thirty pounds, had malnutrition and anemia and my hair was falling out, I had verbal ticks, I cried for a second every time I went to the bathroom and then came out composed for my kids. I decided to get on antidepressant meds.

Feb/March, the meds and counseling helped. The lights came back on and have been back on for me ever since. I logged off of TAM and started focusing on me, my kids, rebuilding a new life. I didn't plan to but I also dated a couple of times. I feel strong and I don't think it's false bravado anymore. I know I can do this.

As for my kids, my baby is too young to know the difference which is bittersweet. As for my oldest - 9. A lot of his innocence has been stolen. I don't know if we can get it back but I am trying through counseling for him to do just that. He suffered immensely - at times, more than me I think as a result of this. It's so confusing for him and I'm trying to help him make sense of nonesense. He has been getting better though day-by-day.

Not that I'd have wanted to go through this betrayal or the separation, there have been "benefits" to me as a woman. Having had to "be the man" of my house - protect my kids and myself at night, fix things, do repairs, etc. gave me a lot of confidence. I feel stronger in a lot of different ways.

It also gave me time to look at my ex for who he is, not just how I'd chosen to see him over the years pre-affair. I realize I put up with a lot of crap in general and I know I don't want to go back to the way things were. I used to give in so easily to unfair agreements between us, one-sided affection and neglect etc. I'm not a pushover anymore or a doormat. He wants me back but on his terms and a relationship similar to the one we had before. It won't happen though because I have terms of my own. I think he doesn't know what to do with my new-found resolve. He seems afraid of me now in a way.

I also used to jump through hoops to please or walk on eggshells to appease his family. I had adopted them as my own. After this experience, I know where the rubber meets the road now and I just don't value them the same. I don't think I will again whether we end up back together or not.
 
#19 ·
Miss Taken and Thor, thank you both for sharing...I started this thread to facilitate a discussion on the true magnitude of infidelity. I want to learn and understand as much as I can. How the aftershocks are felt by so many people. I don't think we can see enough stories of how truly evil infidelity can be. It is romanticized in the popular culture but in real life there are terrible consequences for all involved - especially the kids.
 
#20 ·
Magnitude. Oh, the magnitude. Only a few days from being 14 months from Dday and have a FWH doing everything he can to make things right, and still...Even though we are in R, I am still shattered. Even though "we" will eventually be ok, "I" may never be.

What I have lost:

20% of my body (I was a very athletic size 8, now 2-4, although still, thanks to genetics and extensive yoga background not a stick figure)

50% of my hair-it came out by the handful

90% of my appetite-it is difficult to eat with a belly full of fear

100% of my self-esteem and confidence

Faith-in anything

112 hours of sick leave

The ability to breathe properly (for me, this is huge, considering I had previously been off all asthma medications, and through studying/teaching yoga on a professional level had been able to slow my breathing to a 22 second inhale and 35 second exhale without difficulty, and my "normal breathing pattern" was about four breaths per minute), I am now back on Singulair, steroid inhaler and rescue inhaler...sucks!

The desire to either do or teach yoga (yes, I know yoga is good for PTSD/PISD, however, I was at a training weekend on Dday, so it has become a trigger-go figure)

The ability to buy dish soap (Name trigger), also her name seems to be favored by writers and narrators, I hear or see it daily.

Trust in the ONLY PERSON I HAVE EVER TRUSTED

The fairy tale (grade-school sweethearts-the boy who chased me around the playgroud-who grew up and found eachother after being treated badly by other people)

And probably much more that I can't think of off-the-cuff


What I have gained:

A husband who checks in frequently, thinks I walk on water, and is more attentive than ever, even after his recent surgery.

Friends I never knew I had. When WH still in the fog, a few very brave souls, HIS friends, stepped up and told him he was an idiot. One of them has even recently told me that J had confided that even after all these years, he had never known how strong I was, and respects me now more than ever (go figure)

The ability to function on less than two hours' sleep (ok, maybe that's not a positive thing, but this list is significantly shorter)
 
#22 ·
This quote is for you and all those trying to pick up the pieces...

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
 
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#23 ·
Great thread.

The damage it has done to me personally is unbelievable. My story is the typcal facebook "reconnection". First friends on there. Then chatting all of the time. Then going out with spouses and other couples. Textbook. It went on for about a year before I got caught, then continued during my divorce. what I have found is that I will most likely never trust anyone again. This based on the things that I did, or shall I say, we did right under everyone's nose. Then of course once you are playing this game, you see how many actually are. It's both men and women. Housewives to professionals, it is EVERYWHERE!

Then there is the guilt for the kids. You basically at best rob them as well as yourself of time growing up with them. Being a part time parent blows for everyone no matter how "well" the kids adapt and are.

I have my suspisions of what my ex did early in our marriage and they really don't matter. SHe can deal with that her own way. But this is seriously killing me.

Do not have an affair. Do not cheat on your spouse. Just don't.
 
#24 ·
I lost my innocence and complete faith in people (or as my friends put it, my naivety). I gained my friends and family back, along with my creativity. My STBXW was a full time job, by taking care of her emotional issues all the time, I lost myself. Funny, that I never saw it as a burden when it happened. Now, I do a lot of things that I used to enjoy and which might eventually open door to a lot of different opportunities in future.

It was hell when it happened, it devastated my close family members, but in hindsight I am glad it happened now when I am 30 and have no kids, than happening 20 years down the line. Very few cheaters can change themselves, and it is not worth the risk.
 
#28 ·
JB,

Glad to see you back.

It has been a stark lesson in boundaries;
It has changed the way I view relationships/people;
It has changed my level of trust
I'm about 4 years out DD... Aug 5, 2009. My wife has done everything right since that horrible night. She has turned her life around in everyway. She is fully committed to our marriage.

Do I trust her now?... No.
Will I ever trust her?... No.
Does she know this... Yes.
 
#27 ·
No one understands the magnitude unless they've been betrayed. It causes a mix of emotions like helplessness, guilt, fear, rage, insecurity, low esteem, etc. My first reaction when my Ex cheated was to fix whatever went wrong and of course to blame myself for her not being happy. Seems like we're programmed to crash and burn. Fortunatly for me we didn't reconcile. Had we been more compatible and has she been remorseful then I probably would have tried and I'd still have the scars to deal with every day. That was a life time ago though.
 
#30 ·
I could write a book on how its changed me.

Im more cynical, less trusting. I realized i must rely on no one else.

Im also a better father now. A better person. It gave me new purpose and personal power. I gave my wife all of myself that i could. I now do for me. I sacrifice for me. I am a priority to myself now.

Its one of the best and worst things to happen to me.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#34 ·
I think one of the saddest things I hear from so many BS on here is how they have lost trust, not just in their WS as that makes logical sense, but in all other people.

It is a natural reaction and very understandable. In essence, it is a form of self-preservation to prevent a repeat of the horrible trauma that has occurred.

I have always fought to make sure I never do this. It takes conscious effort sometimes, but I am determined to not do this.

I feel that if I let myself be changed by the injury I have received, I am being victimized all over again by the trash that wronged me.

I also truly believe it would be unjust of me to project fault and suspicions onto other people I meet who are innocent and have done me no wrong.
 
#37 ·
Wazza,

I get and understand completely what you are saying.

I would have to say for me that I still force myself to always give people the benefit of any doubt I feel.

Until a person actually does wrong to me, I'm not going to act suspicious of them or be looking for evidence they might have bad intentions.

If I did that, I would feel as if I let a person who has hurt me in the past steal something else from me, and that is the person I truly am and want to be.

Honestly, sometimes I have to consciously remind myself of this commitment I've made to myself when I see things that are red flags or triggers.

And I'm not saying I'm naive. I will look into any signs I see that something is shady, I just won't jump to any conclusions based on past experiences. I let the current evidence dictate what I think is going on.
 
#39 ·
Wazza,

I get and understand completely what you are saying.

I would have to say for me that I still force myself to always give people the benefit of any doubt I feel.

Until a person actually does wrong to me, I'm not going to act suspicious of them or be looking for evidence they might have bad intentions.

If I did that, I would feel as if I let a person who has hurt me in the past steal something else from me, and that is the person I truly am and want to be.


Honestly, sometimes I have to consciously remind myself of this commitment I've made to myself when I see things that are red flags or triggers.

And I'm not saying I'm naive. I will look into any signs I see that something is shady, I just won't jump to any conclusions based on past experiences. I let the current evidence dictate what I think is going on.
Awesome insight...
 
#40 ·
Infidelity has taken my memories from me because I don't know what was real and what was a lie. For example, on my wedding day when he looked in my eyes and said his vows I remember how I felt so fortunate that we had something so special between us and that he truly meant those words. Now that I know there were lies/lies of omission even back to that time when I can't find evidence of him having yet had an EA, I don't believe he ever had any intention of being faithful to me. He denies it, but I believe he's in denial himself about it. When I think about other special moments, many of them are similarly tainted for me.
 
#43 ·
Loaded question. One huge thing for me is that I now see how messed up and damaged a person she always has been, and how sick our marriage was due to her f*cked-up-ness. I look back and see how miserable she made me - and all the sh*t I put up with for years and years. I see she was the cause of me being on anti-anxiety meds all those years (15 - and I'm off now). I look at her and see she is true white trash and rather stupid. Everyone else saw this, but she was my wife, and I loved and honored her despite all that - I never let myself see the real her.

Then of course there is the fundamental changes it brings about in yourself. Life looks totally different. I can breath now, live now. But the damage is severe. Trust in people (women) is gone. My belief in the institution of marriage - rocked and possibly forever destroyed. Confusion and puzzlement as to how you didn't see the forest for the trees all those many years. She manipulated and emotionally abused me for all those years by constantly accusing me of cheating on her - when it was she who was the betrayer all along. How can that happen? It makes you question SO MUCH about yourself and other people.

The constant anger and despair about what she did to my children - how that will affect their lives, their views on love, commitment, trust, vows, security...the very person who is to teach them those things burned it all down. How must that damage a child? They will carry this with them their entire lives. How they are affected by it is yet to be seen - and likely always changing.

It shows you a new kind and level of emotional pain, confusion, anger and bewilderment you've never, ever even been able to fathom.

On the positive side, I'm a man now. My balls aren't tucked away in her purse. I play music again. I have friends again. I bonded with my family. She no longer eats away at my soul. I cook, I clean, I spend far more quality time with my kids. It opens your eyes, sharpens your senses and tempers you (if it doesn't destroy you).
 
#47 ·
We have talked, we have cried, we have yelled. The cheating is a very hard thing to come to grips with. I struggle every day with it. I have agreed to forgive and work on our marriage. He has apologized and said he will do whatever it takes to make us work.

I feel some days he is not 100% committed, but I think that may be my insecurities, but it is my feeling. We are trying to put the affair behind us and move forward. As of yesterday we decided not to mention it except in MC sessions. He did tell me if I ever threw it up in his face, he would walk out the door and the other side of the coin I told him if he ever saw her again, he would walk out the door and I would be done. He agreed.

It is a long hard road and we have just started the process. I am not sure myself that this is what I want either, but we both agreed to give it a try to see if we could regain our marriage.

Infidelity is a horrible thing to go through and I would not wish this pain on my worse enemy. (well maybe except for the skank OW)
 
#48 ·
We have talked, we have cried, we have yelled. The cheating is a very hard thing to come to grips with. I struggle every day with it. I have agreed to forgive and work on our marriage. He has apologized and said he will do whatever it takes to make us work.

I feel some days he is not 100% committed, but I think that may be my insecurities, but it is my feeling. We are trying to put the affair behind us and move forward. As of yesterday we decided not to mention it except in MC sessions. He did tell me if I ever threw it up in his face, he would walk out the door and the other side of the coin I told him if he ever saw her again, he would walk out the door and I would be done. He agreed.

It is a long hard road and we have just started the process. I am not sure myself that this is what I want either, but we both agreed to give it a try to see if we could regain our marriage.

Infidelity is a horrible thing to go through and I would not wish this pain on my worse enemy. (well maybe except for the skank OW)
um excuse me...you do need to work through this...don't let him rug sweep this...
 
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#53 ·
Infidelity is a life changing event for everyone involved with scars that last a lifetime. A question for both the WS and the BS - how has infidelity changed your life? Your kids lives? Your friendships and other relationships? Your job? I am curious just how far reaching the impact of infidelity has on someones life.
Well, here's the short list.

My kids
Their grades have slipped
They are insecure about their futures and filled with uncertainty
They are depressed and spend a lot more time in there rooms.
They are not the same care free children they were before

My job
My performance has suffered since DD
It is harder to concentrate on business
My energy level is lower
My co-workers picked up the slack for me during the early days
I have gotten better gradually

Physically
I have aged
Hair is thinner and greyer
I lost a lot of weight initially but have gained most of it back
I just look older in general…stress.

Emotionally
I no longer trust people, even guy friends. I am suspicious of their motives
It takes a lot longer to warm up to strangers
I do not trust women. I see them as all as future cheaters
I can't get close emotionally. I see red flags everywhere after only a couple of dates.
I doubt I will ever marry again which is sad because I loved being married.
I am still bitter and pessimistic in general
I have lost interest in most things that I enjoyed before DD…hobbies, etc
I find myself questioning my faith which I never did before
I just turned 50. This would not have bothered me before…but now it does

That's just off the top of my head.

Keep in mind that my first wife cheated on me as well, many years ago. I was hurt deeply by this and divorced her immediately. I recovered but I was emotionally scarred. When my XWW #2 cheated, knowing the pain I experienced from XWW #1's cheating…I was destroyed.

The effect on me may sound rather extreme but remember I've had a double dose of infidelity in my life. The only 2 women I have ever loved…both betrayed me
 
#54 ·
Well, here's the short list.

My kids
Their grades have slipped
They are insecure about their futures and filled with uncertainty
They are depressed and spend a lot more time in there rooms.
They are not the same care free children they were before

My job
My performance has suffered since DD
It is harder to concentrate on business
My energy level is lower
My co-workers picked up the slack for me during the early days
I have gotten better gradually

Physically
I have aged
Hair is thinner and greyer
I lost a lot of weight initially but have gained most of it back
I just look older in general…stress.

Emotionally
I no longer trust people, even guy friends. I am suspicious of their motives
It takes a lot longer to warm up to strangers
I do not trust women. I see them as all as future cheaters
I can't get close emotionally. I see red flags everywhere after only a couple of dates.
I doubt I will ever marry again which is sad because I loved being married.
I am still bitter and pessimistic in general
I have lost interest in most things that I enjoyed before DD…hobbies, etc
I find myself questioning my faith which I never did before
I just turned 50. This would not have bothered me before…but now it does

That's just off the top of my head.

Keep in mind that my first wife cheated on me as well, many years ago. I was hurt deeply by this and divorced her immediately. I recovered but I was emotionally scarred. When my XWW #2 cheated, knowing the pain I experienced from XWW #1's cheating…I was destroyed.

The effect on me may sound rather extreme but remember I've had a double dose of infidelity in my life. The only 2 women I have ever loved…both betrayed me
Wow..I'm sorry man...that is horrible...some people are just so fvcked up...
 
#55 · (Edited)
Wow this one is going to drag out old feelings. Not feelings that can't be dealt with now but will always remain painful.

I watched my two children 12 and 14 try to take over being the adult in the situation. They watched their mother go from being a leader in the home to a person that had a hard time getting off the bathroom floor where I spent a good percent of my time curled up crying. My EX hired the escorts, went underground in NY for things that are unspeakable. I had to get a hystorectomy due to the STD he brought home from an Escort. I lost major weight and lost who I was for sometime.

Time heals pain and I eventually went back to my home town, got a job, rented a house, went to my 20 year class reunion. Returned home quit my job, told the X I was moving, kids were going with me, dog going with me. Everything fell into place because that's what needed to happen.

I will never trust another person all the way again. The scar that was left from the infedelity will always and forever be felt. :-( I have two adult children that learned not to trust in relationships because of what the saw with their father and I. I tell them that they will always be better than we were but their world was ripped apart also. We became the Three Muskateers!
 
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