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The Magnitude of Infidelity

33K views 272 replies 51 participants last post by  ineverthought 
#1 ·
Infidelity is a life changing event for everyone involved with scars that last a lifetime. A question for both the WS and the BS - how has infidelity changed your life? Your kids lives? Your friendships and other relationships? Your job? I am curious just how far reaching the impact of infidelity has on someones life.
 
#60 ·
The Magnitude of Infidelity STCKY THREAD REQUEST !?

Have to say any waywards looking for the 'advice' 'locking horns' 'winding up' seeking 'understanding' 'empathy' etc should read this thread

It should be a sticky quite frankly

For many months now we've heard a lot from "the waywards must have their platform" few on TAM - "they have their rights too"!

I think any wayward should be made to read this thread before they put a thread up. Somehow I think they'd be a bit more reticent about it.
 
#62 ·
Re: The Magnitude of Infidelity STCKY THREAD REQUEST !?

Have to say any waywards looking for the 'advice' 'locking horns' 'winding up' seeking 'understanding' 'empathy' etc should read this thread

It should be a sticky quite frankly

For many months now we've heard a lot from "the waywards must have their platform" few on TAM - "they have their rights too"!

I think any wayward should be made to read this thread before they put a thread up. Somehow I think they'd be a bit more reticent about it.
Agreed...that is why I think this thread is important to hear the stories of BS and just how devastated infidelity can be. Our popular culture is all too permissive about it.
 
#61 ·
My self esteem really fallen. His insistence on carrying on EAs with other women has made me feel so inadequate and less beautiful. I have supported him through so much, and the last time left me broken. It seems as though he did not want to or could not see his the gravity of his actions. He doesn't see it as being unfaithful. I felt and still feel helpless, but I vowed not to care though it left me so sad. But sadly, I recently ended up in a PA. I went from a loving, faithful wife to...whatever. I felt beautiful again just for a moment. No sex or kissing, just holding and touching. On one hand, it hurts to see my actions, but on the other hand, it came from a need for affection being given elsewhere. Still can't believe myself yet I'm still hanging on to the experience to make me feel good about myself. Probably need to go talk to someone. Not sure if I'll ever tell him. During that time I was out of the country and I came back to see my husband telling his ex that he misses her. Why do I even feel bad at all...

In other ways, he's a good husband and we enjoy each other. But I struggle between being a traditional wife who just finds a way to cope with this aspect of the marriage or just leaving.
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#70 ·
I think about it constantly two years later, it has become me. I found out about things that happened years earlier, when our kids were very young. All my memories are tainted now, the future seems bleak. I'm basically a shell of a person, I'm just going thru the motions of life. I've cried everyday since this happened. I have zero self confidence as he cheated with girls half my age. I feel old and blah... He lost his job cause of this, I had to go back to work. I feel trapped in a depressing world. Everything has changed, I see nothing to look forward to. I feel robbed of life, jealous when I see young families. Mine was a lie and I can never go back and regain it. I will never trust again, never believe a word he says. I lost my best friend, never really had one. I was tricked. And what my girls have been thru... OMG.
 
#75 ·
I have read 5 languages of love, husband is supposed to start reading it tonight, doubt he will because it will hit him in the face in some sections.

I just got the new book by Dr Gary Chapman, the marriage you always wanted. Starting it tonight. Dr Chapman is coming to my area in Nov and I so want to go see him, that is if we are still in R. I somehow doubt we will be tho :-(
 
#83 ·
Dude, my IC says with something like infidelity or other trauma she has a rule: No worrying is allowed unless yyou can journal about it. So when you notice you are worrying, you either start journaling or you consciously tell yourself to wait until a time you can journal. It is a good technique. It is ok to make a small memo so you don't forget your ideas if you can't journal at the moment.
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#85 ·
His betrayal and leading a double life has robbed me of any desire to ever want to be in a relationship again. Sounds drastic? I don't want to share it all, and needless to say, divorce has been filed. The betrayal reached far beyond the affair.

I don't grant him the power of having destroyed my life, but it did a great deal of seemingly irreparable damage.

Before, I was a trusting and open, warm-hearted person. He acknowledged that and played it to his advantage. I stopped going out, cancel all invites, and keep to myself. I don't want to ever feel hurt and rejected like that again. I've been through a lot, supported his career, stayed home to raise the offspring, started working again when it suited him, just to learn that he has been cheating on me for over a decade, just because my behind is too fat for his taste.
 
#86 ·
His betrayal and leading a double life has robbed me of any desire to ever want to be in a relationship again. Sounds drastic? I don't want to share it all, and needless to say, divorce has been filed. The betrayal reached far beyond the affair.

I don't grant him the power of having destroyed my life, but it did a great deal of seemingly irreparable damage.

Before, I was a trusting and open, warm-hearted person. He acknowledged that and played it to his advantage. I stopped going out, cancel all invites, and keep to myself. I don't want to ever feel hurt and rejected like that again. I've been through a lot, supported his career, stayed home to raise the offspring, started working again when it suited him, just to learn that he has been cheating on me for over a decade, just because my behind is too fat for his taste.
Wow....that is a long time, was it with one woman or is he a serial cheater? Are you getting help so you don't cut yourself off from life just because your WH is an a-hole?
 
#89 ·
He has Asperger's, his response is blunted. Right now, he spends time with his dad and the OW. She makes herself popular. Dealing with Asperger's, ADHD, and other behavioral issues also put a strain on the marriage, that the ex did not want to deal with. I was quasi a single parent, even while still married. I was a PITA, but my son thanks me now, as he is sucessful in college. Between deading with him, IEPs, teachers and principals, going to school, going to work, and working hard to revigorate the marriage (I had no idea ex had checked out already), I became frustrated about carrying all the load alone. At one point I begged to please work with me, as I don't feel like I have a spouse, and I feel like it's making me physically ill to feel left hanging all the time. He went into his typical silent mode, and not even then did he acknowledge that he had already moved in with another woman. He continued to let me dangle, suffer, and nag. Then planned a cruise with me, and I had hopes that we were on the up and up. Then I found out about his affair, and the rug slipped out from underneath me. This bastard let me struggle, to continue his way in secret, and realized that he has absolutely no concern for me. 25 years, wasted.
 
#95 ·
It may be the wine talking, but all of this coincided with me getting bullied at work (now under control), was close to a burnout, and had three car accidents close together because of all the stress I was under. The day after Hurricane Sandy passed, I broke my ankle when trying to assess some property damage. Ex just cracked jokes, laughed it off, and never came home to help. He was busy shagging this OW. My son, a full-time college student, with a job on the side drove me to the hospital, to the doctor's office, went grocery shopping, prepared meals for me, and dealt with his cranky mom who was in pain, and feared for her job. The ex was a no-show.

I give my son so much credit how he managed the situation, wise beyond his years!
 
#107 ·
funny-- good question - I see women in a totally different light than I once did....I trusted women and had incredible faith in them. Never thought they would hurt me...trusted my judgment on women. Now I find myself seeing all women as pretentious lying and manipulative. Feel they put on big front but behind the scenes are scheming. Before, I thought there were "good" girls and "bad" girls...now I find myself clumping women into the same category. I also have no desire to get deep with another woman.....no sense if it is going to end anyway.
Oddly, I do not value marriage anymore either. I used to see a married woman and think see was off-bounds because she was married but now I think "she probably screws around on her husband." So I feel okay looking at her.
 
#155 ·
This thing about the 'older man' is new for me

I'm 58 now. I was with the stbx for 15 years and she was 20 years younger than me. We met when I was 41. We've been separated for a year and half nearly and I have had no urge to go anywhere near a woman in that time, not in the slightest bit interested. Feels a bit odd as I've always loved woman and always been very passionate throughout my relationships but I feel nothing for them right now - numb.

I recently thought about this and realized I'm probably going to have difficulties if I think I can just march in and pull someone 10 years my junior (I always had younger partners and younger friends all my life)

Gonna be interesting when I finally start to rise up from the 'infidelity depths'! and start looking at prospective girl friends partners

I'm not optimistic if I'm honest - what comes of being repeatedly cheated upon in two relationships lasting 20 odd years :confused:
 
#156 ·
This thing about the 'older man' is new for me

I'm 58 now. I was with the stbx for 15 years and she was 20 years younger than me. We met when I was 41. We've been separated for a year and half nearly and I have had no urge to go anywhere near a woman in that time, not in the slightest bit interested. Feels a bit odd as I've always loved woman and always been very passionate throughout my relationships but I feel nothing for them right now - numb.

I recently thought about this and realized I'm probably going to have difficulties if I think I can just march in and pull someone 10 years my junior (I always had younger partners and younger friends all my life)


Gonna be interesting when I finally start to rise up from the 'infidelity depths'! and start looking at prospective girl friends partners

I'm not optimistic if I'm honest - what comes of being repeatedly cheated upon in two relationships lasting 20 odd years :confused:
when the time is right why not look for a woman your own age?
 
#164 ·
I doubt I will ever have another relationship if/when this one ends. Just not worth the hassle or the hurt in this case. I am older probably than some of the members here, but I have no desire to seek out another relationship. My WS chose a skank one year younger than he is, or actually she chose him, but he allowed it to happen. She saw a weakness, zeroed in and has molded herself to his every fantasy complete with sex in public. Well that has been put on hold for now but I am sure if we don't work it out that will happen. What ever he wants, she provides it, no matter how kinky. maybe that is why he told me she was not long term material, but she surly thinks she is. I think she is his plan B. She told him right after they split that she would wait for him until she took her last dying breath :-(
 
#176 ·
My Grandmother's husband left her for another woman back in the forties. She raised four children by herself and did a tremendous job.

She never remarried and only had one boyfriend in the 50-some years after my grandfather left.

My grandmother was so pretty and funny and super multi-talented I could never figure out why she never remarried or even had a man in her life. She was so great.

Now, Unfortunatly, I totally understand.

I can't predict the future but I have ZERO interest in ever being in a relationship again.

Oh, and I'm pretty, funny, and multi-talented. ;)
 
#180 ·
My Grandmother's husband left her for another woman back in the forties. She raised four children by herself and did a tremendous job.

She never remarried and only had one boyfriend in the 50-some years after my grandfather left.

My grandmother was so pretty and funny and super multi-talented I could never figure out why she never remarried or even had a man in her life. She was so great.

Now, Unfortunatly, I totally understand.

I can't predict the future but I have ZERO interest in ever being in a relationship again.

Oh, and I'm pretty, funny, and multi-talented. ;)
It's so unfair that a WS can take so much from the BS..
 
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#183 ·
To me the magnitude of infidelity would be me walking out of the house and likely not seeing her again until the custody hearing. I never emotionally understood infidelity. Why do it??? I get the reasons intellectually, but trying to put myself in those shoes...even when I dream of cheating on my wife I can't do it. Not just because it is wrong, it is just not me. Even porn turns into fantasies of her.

If you want to avoid a cheating spouse, you have to know them really well and get to know about their family. I ALWAYS start relationships out as open-ended friendships. Oh you want to have sex right away? Ok you get put into the booty-call file and taken out of serious consideration for monogamy. You don't want to have sex until at least we are "going together" and have declared our monogamy? Ok, that puts a girl into the "you can take her seriously"file. Then it gets to knowing them and their parents. Have they cheated before? Are they from a family where one or more parents have cheated? Lots to consider.
 
#184 ·
....very good viewpoint on the whole "enduring relationship" thing.

....perhaps that's why I'm having such a difficult time putting my wife's ONS (from 19 yrs ago) behind me? Our dating relationship ...became a committed relationship ...and then the sex became part of that (more than 6 months after I first met her). Add to that ....that we were each other's "firsts". Something so personal as sex ...was even more special because we had only shared it with one another. And, even though she's been faithful and committed to our relationship since her ONS .....it's still in the back of my mind ....with frequent trips to the front page of my thoughts.
 
#200 ·
Thor,

Wow...really sorry to hear that.

Its bad enough to face possible deception and dishonesty from a spouse in regards to the M.

But to be denied the ability to know what is going on in your own kids lives, especially since it was serious?

That is a really horrible thing to hear.

Stay strong my friend.
 
#203 ·
Thanks.

The medical condition is relatively minor, this particular route of treatment is one I have long been opposed to, and she knew it. Standard treatments had not been followed, so the condition was still there. She decided for some reason to just go ahead without my knowledge or consultation.

That's the f'd up part of all this. If she'd had a conversation with me, we could have come up with a good plan together which ultimately may have included this treatment option if nothing else worked.
 
#209 ·
Mine still had all the indicators.

Sudden disinterest. Left the house suddenly and once she was out SHUT DOWN. Faked counseling but was ready to divorce the SECOND I was ready.

Paid $2k to a mediator to divorce without a second thought....

and now wants to pretend like she never left.

My bets are still on an affair but she denies it and it to cowardly to open up willingly if she doesn't have to.
 
#216 ·
It's bizarre how you can be in false Recon but still think of it as true Recon. I started to get confused by the signals - the big thing was that all the words were there from her. Not gushing devotion but words like "the affair is done, I want to be with you, I just want to move past it, I know I wrecked it....". But the actions aren't really there. I had to step back and really take the blinkers off and see what was happening. The thing is she is only giving what she's got, there's is nothing else. So naturally I can't help wondering that despite what she says there is still plenty within her that she is just not able or willing to share with me.

The real big thing for me is that I have lost sight of what is a healthy relationship for a man who is over 50. You come to accept what you have got (or not got). I have to admit I do not understand what is a reasonable thing to accept in terms of intimacy. I'm rip roaring ready to go! And I do remember now, that early in Recon she said "we are not 18 anymore". Another diversion? She was certainly acting that way last year with that POSOM I said. Then silence.
 
#224 ·
The way my WW has changed me. Well after going though all the anger and distrust I am at a point of not giving a chit anymore. I have 4 kids and I am the bread winner and there is no out for me. No way to sustain two households so I am suck for at least the next few years. It's just a shame that my kids have to deal with this. I just wish my WW would have just left with her om it would have been a hole lot easier.
 
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