It's the most devastating that has ever happened and ever will happen to me. As hard as I try sometimes, i dont know if this anger will ever go away. I lost my best friend. We were in a bubble of safety, love and protection, or so I thought. What a naive fool I am.
He still works with her everday, in a tiny little office with only one other person. The wound is marinated with salt everday
and he doesn't understand why my anger is still so intense. I consider it a good day when I don't cry. When I found out he told me he hasnt been this in love with someone since we were first in love.
We have been together for 23 years, married 16. He was my high school sweetheart. My stupid f*#king night in shining armor, my happily ever after (barf). He was my safe place. And what really stings is he now how fragile I was. I have a mother who is very cruel and targets me and he swore he would never hurt me. Sometimes it's sureal. He's a complete stranger. We have 2 young children so I'm working very hard to figure out what the h*ll to do.
I actually googled "can you die of a broken heart" today. We are 9 months since DDay and my sadness just sits with me.
My hurt an anger are so bad and my mood js so all over the place that he got worried I'm bipolar. At the recomendation of a psychiatrist I ended up in as an inpatient psychiatric ward for a week (last week). It actually ended up being the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
He says he's sorry and hates that he brought this pain into my life but he doesn't get it. He says over and over if he knew how badly this would hurt me he would have never done it. That statement p*sses me off. I want him to regret doing it because it was wrong and cruel, not because I ended up shattered. He says he's doing everything he can to make it right and when I ask him what it is exactly that he's doing. He gets flustered ans never answers.
While in the hospital, I wanted to put into words why I had reached that point. I wrote my own personal answer, never intended to be shared. But I'd like to post it:
Why?
This pain has been escalating since his affair. It wasnt the affair so much as the aftermath.
It was the way he blamed me for his unhappiness, it was the way he told me he was so unhappy for the last 10 years but never said a word.
It was the way he could not find empathy for me as i lay on the floor crying yet somehow he found empathy for her.
It was the way he could so carelessly list off all that he loved about her as I sat on the bathroom floor so complety deflated.
It was the way he justified replacing his best friend and partner.
It was the way he sounded when he said those words.
It was the way he was missing her as I was missing him.
It was the way he used our love as a comparison when he told her he was in love with her.
It was the way he worked one on one with her every day since Ii found out and says it's not an issue.
It's knowing that his decision to slow things down with her had nothing to with me.
It's because i sometimes think he still feels justified.
It's the way after months of reassuring me that I knew everything, 3 weeks ago when i asked him "are u sure there isnt anything else i shld know" , his answer was "r u sure u really want to have this conversation".
And its because I now feel like I am married to a stranger and it scares the sh*t out of me.
It's because we have kids in the mix and it makes it not just about me.
And it's that I know i will never be able to trust anyone again. A part of me is hardened forever.
It's realizing that if i listen to my gut i dont think i can ever forgive and get past all of this.
I feel foolish.
It's the way I felt like he had my back no matter what. I was wrong.
And how ironic it is that in my "life story" i now have this piece. I now get to say "my husband had an affair and i ended up in the nut house".
Yet i am stronger for the experience.
It's the way I naively believed that my husband was the person i was finally 100% safe with.
It's because I thought he was the person I could finally let my guard down with.
It was the way I thought I found the person who, without a doubt, would never judge me. In this bubble I was safe. It was unconditional.
That is the real betrayl. He was supposed to always protect me, the way I protect him and he was so selfish he didnt stop to think what this wld do to a person like me. He was my safe place.