need some thoughts

jessi · 01-07-2010, 08:17 PM

Have a question, background just for those who don't know my story.
Married 23 years, marriage was rocky last couple of years, husband decided to have and affair with one of his law clerks, I found out in Nov/09.
He says he is not in love with me anymore and that he has feelings for her, he has decided to end our marriage and she is ending hers as well.
He is suppose to move out and leave me our house, he is not looking for a place, says he will but no action as of yet.
He tells me he is not moving in with her and now is telling me he might just rent a place, she is looking for a house with one of his best friends who is a real estate guy......it crossed my mind tonight do you think he is going to move in with her and that is why he is dragging his ass finding his own place, some times I think I'm a little slow, as each day passes I learn how more involved they really are.....
Maybe I'm not really accepting the whole thing, hit me out of the blue tonight. It's probably been a plan all along,
Anyone else think the same?

Atholk · 01-07-2010, 09:07 PM

Quite possibly it's been the plan for some time. If so, he's kinda blown the timeline a little though. When the cheater does the exit strategy thing "perfectly", the spouse gets the divorce papers the same day as the big move happens. The shared money has been all moved and groomed for maximum to the cheater and minimum to the spouse. It's all meant to just go down together. Bing bam boom. It's really cold and nasty. Sometimes the cheater spends a full year planning the whole thing.

Also there's the character assassination of the spouse to everyone he knows that's important too. If he leaves "Sweet Jessi" he's a horrible man. If he convinces everyone that "Jessi is actually quite verbally abusive behind closed doors, and the sex stopped years ago", well... the poor man, he's right to leave her and finally find love. See how that's different?

All I can say is "hard to know" on this one. Though I wouldn't suggest you should let him keep living with you if the plan does turn out that he is just using you as a crash pad until he and her get their dreamhouse. No point empowering him to abandon you.

Look to the shared money you both have btw. That's critical.

jessi · 01-07-2010, 11:09 PM

luvmyh,

I have asked him to be honest with me, but he always says he isn't moving in with her. The reason i wonder is he doesn't seem to be making a move to look for another place to buy or rent, we have an agreement already in place, the family has been told, our boys know.
I'm not sure why he is stalling, I thought maybe that might really be the plan to move in with her and her girls.
I'm prepared for anything at this point, when they lie so much you don't know what to believe anymore.
guess I'll just have to be patient and see what happens,

jessi · 01-07-2010, 11:20 PM

antholk,

I guess it might be the plan who knows, he is so hard to read these days I don't know what the plan is, he isn't actually going out to look at any houses or apartments so I'm not sure how his plan to move out is actually going to work.
He did finally tell his family(big family) what his plans were by email, he is worried about what everyone will say I'm sure.
he just did this tonight, I've been waiting the date was suppose to be New Year's Day......maybe things will move faster now.
We have a financial deal already in place and guess what I'm keeping our dream house and my boys will stay with me when they are at home(they are both in university)
I have noticed it's not just me, he doesn't seem to be to interested in any responsibilties with the kids, the house, everything is falling on my shoulders at this point,
I think he just wants to be a single guy with no responsibility. and of course his little girlfriend on the side. Okay sounding a little bitter now....I think he is in some kind of mid life crisis now. He crys non stop, I've stopped now and he seems stuck in neutral.....but still claims he loves the other woman and wants out of our marriage.....

DawnD · 01-08-2010, 08:02 AM

It does kinda look like they will be moving in together soon. Wow. I hope you are doing okay, you have had a whole lot of hurt.

jessi · 01-08-2010, 08:15 AM

DawnD,

Thanks for your concern, I'm doing alright, with each week that passes I feel better about the outcome of all this, I have some family and my boys if I need them and then my girlfriends are there for me as well.
I find the hardest part about this whole thing that he seems to be upset with the whole situation and he says I'm so eager to get him out....
But he tells me he loves the other woman.....
It's so confusing, at times he seems sure of his decision and then lots of times he is crying saying stuff like I'll have to come over before work to shovel the driveway and that he will always love me.
I truly think he is sorry for the pain he has caused me, he has blamed me for the marriage breakdown and I think he has come to a realization that he was not there for me as well, not sure he even knew that before, he thought he was the only one unhappy....he says stuff like he will be around for years to help me with the house/pool stuff......when I say I'll be fine without him he crys and leaves the room.....

It seems at this point he is having a harder time with his decision than I am. I am trying to accept and move to a place that is good for me......
so confusing at times

DawnD · 01-08-2010, 08:30 AM

I bet it is. I can see how back and forth he is with everything. That would drive me nuts. But I am a simple person. Either you love me or you don't, you know!?! Sheesh and men say we are complicated :P

I am glad that you are getting to a better place and I only hope that he can realize he can't have it both ways. I am sure he is feeling the effects of his decisions and it hurts, but thats something he needs to work out without expecting you to help.

You are a very strong woman and I respect the hell outta you for being able to go through all of this with so much class. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you.

Atholk · 01-08-2010, 01:41 PM

Meh. He needs to **** or get off the pot as they say.

Why the hell would he expect that you wouldn't want him out of the house asap.

As an aside Jessi, thank you for your story here. I see some of myself in out husband, and as I would like to avoid his fate, it helps me stay well behaved