How Long Does it Take To Get Over the Anger and Hurt???? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-09-2010, 08:01 PM Thread Starter
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Question How Long Does it Take To Get Over the Anger and Hurt????

Hi there, I am new to this site. My husband had a PA with a friend of mine that I became close with on my son's baseball team It started as an EA and lead to a PA. I feel it was my fault as I was sick with Lyme Disease and he had to take on quite a lot for 2 years while I got better. Taking care of our children and working as well.

I had to put the pieces together myself and figure it out, he knew I knew something but acted as if I was insane for thinking such a thing. However when I confronted him and had the proof I needed he finally admitted it after threating to leave him if he didn't tell me the truth. This was late August 2009, since then we have been going to counseling every week and it has been a rollercoaster ride, which I expected. I had a lot of anger in the beginning, which I feel is starting to fade. However, anytime we have any argument, I realize my anger is there. If he says or does anything to make me feel ridiculed, I bring it up and we get into it all over again. It is emotionally exhausting and it scares me because I can't have the stress in my could lead me to get sick again.

I love him want to forgive him and feel that I am working towards this. However, I realize I am still angry and hurt. It has only been four months and my friends and family are telling me I need to forgive him and calm down or he is gonna leave because he can't deal with me putting in his face anymore. This to me is not fair!!!!! I can't put a time limit on when or if I can forgive him.

I was just wondering how long it took some of you who took your husbands back, and what is considered a "normal" time to get over it. He is really trying hard and loves me and wants to make it work, he knows what he did is unexcusable. I am just having a hard time letting go of the resentment he caused me. He also cheated on me when we were living together before marriage, so this is the second time in our 17 years together.

Any insight would be great!!!! Thanks!!!

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-09-2010, 09:17 PM
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Re: How Long Does it Take To Get Over the Anger and Hurt????

Its so different for everyone honey. My H cheated about 18 months ago, but I only found out on Halloween 2009. Talk about a shocker. I spent about a week being completely irrational. Hopping from angry, sad, numb, back to angry and settled on numb. Then we started talking and I had to make that choice. You all know what choice. The choice whether or not you even WANT to stay married. I gave myself another week, looked really hard at all my H was doing to try and convince me it was worth saving and thought about whether or not I can forgive. And I came out with this: I love my husband. He made a terrible choice, but when it comes down to it he will get a second chance. If it happens again, I walk. This is the deal for me.

I know how hard it is to want to throw it at them everytime it gets to be too much, but it won't do any good. I actually felt horrible for throwing this at my H last night, I even posted about it. I knew that his A wasn't the problem, and I completely overreacted. But the hard thing is always having to take that deep breath when we are disagreeing on something to make sure I don't throw his A in his face. Its definately hard. I have the feeling that if I did continue to toss it back at him, he would just disconnect and eventually do it again, or leave. Ultimately it isn't what I want for us. So if a little temper control for right now can help me have a better future I am willing to do it.

I will also add that I didn't know his OW. Never met her, never want to. She doesn't live near us, so I don't have to face some of the day to day challenges others here do. I do wish you the best honey. Good luck and take care!
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-10-2010, 04:48 AM
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Re: How Long Does it Take To Get Over the Anger and Hurt????

well i think it takes a while i think both of you have to work it out. because I'm dealing with that myself i made a promise to my boyfriend and i love him so much that I'm not going to break this promise and make the same horrible mistake i made and im going to believe him infedility was a bad decission of my self and i have this guilt within me but when ever he remembers he gets really angry that we have this tragic arguments. i myself feel suffocated over something i did wrong because there is nothing i can do but make it work and try hard to make it better .just try to talk to him and ask him how he feels and tell him how you feel
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-10-2010, 08:48 AM
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Re: How Long Does it Take To Get Over the Anger and Hurt????

I agree, it's different for everyone because everyone's situation and circumstances are unique. It's been not quite 3 months since I find out about my H's A. (it ended the day it was discovered) and for the most part I am doing pretty well. There are always up and down days of course.

The most important thing is that if you chose to forgive him, you have to really try to not throw the A in his face during arguments, fights, whatever. I know this is SO hard, trust me. But in order to rebuild your relationship and your marriage, you can't do that. I am not saying you can never discuss with him your anger and your feelings you still have, but you need to do this when you too are just talking not during a heated argument.

I am glad to hear your H is really trying and wants to make your marriage work. Keep remembering that part too. He made a BAD decision and a HORRIBLE mistake. You need to focus now on your marriage, the two of you and what he's doing now. Make that your focus.

If I am having one of those days and I am especially touchy/grouchy - I may say, "I'm sorry honey, it's a "bad" day". He knows, because we've talked about it, that means I am having a tough time that day and thinking alot about what he did. He then knows to not let things get into an argument or to just help me out more that day to show he cares and that he is sorry. Or he will give me extra hugs that day and throw in some extra "I'm sorry." We don't discuss it all day long or anything like that, he just knows. This helps me to let go of any anger that may have been building. When I can see how much he is trying, it me to let things go.

I know if you analyze, it doesn't seem fair. But for many years in my marriage I held resentment for trivial things and look where that got me! SO, I am making a concious effort to not harbor the resentment for the big things either. Good People make bad mistakes. It's what they do after that matters.
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