how do you know you made the right decision???? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-10-2010, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy how do you know you made the right decision????

I found out about my husband's EA on June 4th 2008. Yes, it has been 18 months. I went through all the usual emotions...anger, numb, sad, anger, rage, name it and I felt it. My husband went to see a counselor to figure out his feelings. It wasn't until 12/08 that we finally started marital counseling. Things were going great. We were reconnecting. We took a weekend away and while he was in the shower, I (for some unknown reason) looked at his text messages. There was a message from the OW. I hit the roof to say the least. The problem is... he still works with this woman. He has had to go out of town with her and other coworkers. He has had drinks with her and other coworkers. He tells me it is over but I feel he stills has more than a business relationship with this woman. The marriage counseling abruptly came to an end when I brought up other issues... excessive drinking and internet porn. The counselor told him he can not continue those behaviors because it displays a self centered attitude. Well, he quit marriage counseling. During this time we have encountered problems with our daughter which has put "us" on the back burner. We have been able to have good times together since the EA. However, it seems as if those times are fewer and farther between. When he is home, he finds something to, fishing shows, golf...he removes himself from conversations. We go to dinner as a family and he talks to our daughter, I talk to our daughter. I know this is long and I am sorry for that. I am just confused. How do I know that he stayed because he is in love with me and not just because we have been married for almost 20years and he doesn't want to hurt me more? How do I trust him when he lies about having drinks with coworkers? He has cut us out of everything. I can no longer talk to our friends because he works with these people. He doesn't like my friends. I am soooo confused. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't know anybody that has gone through something like this and feel so alone right now.

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-10-2010, 04:14 PM
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Re: how do you know you made the right decision????

In my particular case, I know I made the right choice in staying because I could see the things my H was doing to keep me here. I didn't cook or clean (not much at least) for a month, I hardly took any calls other than from my 1 friend I confided in and I went through the entire playbook of emotions that affairs cause. And he was there. Everytime I cried, he was there. Everytime I was sad, he was there. He has proven to me that he hasn't spoken/emailed/texted or had any communication with her since June 2008. Every password to anything he has I now know, and can check at any point during the day. He will call me every chance he gets to make sure I am doing okay. And since I have found out he has told me "I love you" more times in a day then we have in past years combined. He is making a huge effort to show me he made a horrible decision and that he doesn't want to be defined by it, instead he wants to acknowledge our problems, take responsibility for his actions and ensure me that nothing could ever lead him to do that again.

I honestly don't know how you can do it, with them still working together. I probably would have lost my ever loving mind by now. Hopefully one of the other members can help with this aspect, I don't have any experience in that area. Can he quit and find new work by any chance??
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-10-2010, 04:59 PM
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Re: how do you know you made the right decision????

I am so sorry. But you should turn to your friends. I think that he doesnt like your friends because he knows that they know he is wrong and they arent siding with him. He sounds like he is being very selfish and he is thinking that the grass is greener on the other side BUT IT NEVER IS.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-10-2010, 05:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: how do you know you made the right decision????

I wish he would quit his job. He has been there for 22years. He is management and doesn't feel he could make the same money if he left. The industry he is in is having a huge downturn just like many others.
My friends told me in the beginning to kick him out. My H also started out being very open and caring. In the last 6-8 months he has closed up again. I am going out of my mind!!!
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-10-2010, 07:14 PM
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Re: how do you know you made the right decision????

I hear two different thoughts on kicking them out. I personally did not, because he is a man and would probably get drunk and sleep with yet another skank. ( just my viewpoint there) But I would definately be having some pretty serious talks about the changes you have seen that aren't positive. And I sincerely hope that someone here can get back to you with some advice for coping with them working together.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-11-2010, 08:45 AM
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Re: how do you know you made the right decision????

The grass is only greener until the reality comes. An affair is a psuedo-high. It is someone reflecting the person you think you are or want to be and its so wonderful. The reality is that its not reality. Its like a drug and he is addicted to it.

You cannot change him, you can only change how you respond to it. He obviously doesnt like what he sees in the "mirror" of your relationship, which means he doesnt like his true self... he likes the self he sees through a non-intimate partner who is going to shower him with adoring statements to keep the illusion going. Its not you he is cheating on, its himself. He cant live with himself, so he found someone to connect with who can show him the self he wants to see.

Sure, if you kick him out and start new you may find someone who wont do this, you may find someone who does it more. Starting again will feel great until the reality sets in. Maybe better to pick yourself up and do what you know you need to do and love him anyway. Getting mad at him over and over only serves one purpose: to show him the ugly truth about himself and that you despise it/him. Stop battering him over this and tell him you love him for all of him good and bad and that is the most powerful thing you can do. Love and accept in the face of evil doings. Try it.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-11-2010, 11:48 AM
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Re: how do you know you made the right decision????

For me, I know I made the right decision. My H and I are more in love now than we have been in years. As sad and as horrible/hurtful it was, the A allowed us to fix our marriage. It forced me to open my eyes and REALLY look at myself and what part I was playing in our marriage. There were many things I needed to change and fix. I may have known that all along and just was too stubborn/lazy/stupid to change - I don't know?!

All I do know is that I've changed, he's changed and we've changed how we approach each other as a couple. It was the right decision because for me starting over wasn't an option. My kids adore their father and he's a great dad. I couldn't for a minute go through having my kids splitting their time between us. AND, the most important part is would I ever find someone that knows and loves me as much as my H does? He truly does, and I love him. Sadly, that's not how we've been acting for quite some time.

I will admit, the day the affair came out and we talked - we didn't immediately agree to stay together and live happily ever after. We agreed to stay together and try to fix our marriage. We weren't sure at that point if it could be fixed but we were both in agreement that after 14 years together - we owed each other at least that. To make the effort.
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