Riff|{en

My wife and I are going on 16 years. I have 2 kids 16 and 11. Less than 6 months ago my wife told me she had cheated with my best friend 3 years into our marriage. They both continued to hide this from me for the next 13 years. He was very close to my family and I and my kids used to call him uncle. I trusted both him and my wife! I was crushed!!! We had been going through troubles and we were in the beginning stages of seeking marriage counseling. My wife said she had planned on keeping this information to her grave but the shame and the guilt had been too much to carry anymore. She felt that if we were going to pursue a new path, a new start that the truth needed to be told. It’s been extremely hard on me and I wish at times that she hadn’t told me. This ate at my soul for the next 6 months. It’s only been recent that I have been able to move on and get past this. I had a HUGE melt down recently and cried until I had no more to give. My soul was empty; I didn’t know whom I was and if my life was even worth it anymore. What was the purpose? It finally sucked me dry of all anger and sadness and I was willing to move forward and forgive. By the grace of God I feel a lot better now and I’m slowly putting back the pieces.

If you ask me I would say stop living a lie and for your sake and your husbands sake you should tell him. This is no way to live! If you take this to your grave you will never forgive yourself. God might but you will suffer spiritually! Cleans your soul! He deserves to know even if it destroys him and your marriage. If you guys truly love each other you will move past this and it will only make your marriage stronger over the years to come. It’s pointless to be married if you can’t be honest with each other. If your marriage is that bad you must leave in peace. If you truly love your husband than don’t play him for a fool! Ask yourself, what if the roles were reversed? Would you want to know?

He will forgive if you ask for it! You must support him and he tries to piece back his manhood.

CantThinkOfAJUserName

Riff|{en post brings up a good point in that it is far worse to find out about an affair(s) many years after it ends because it makes the entire marriage feel like a huge lie. Good memories of past events that used to elicit good feelings become tainted and painful. Like Riff I also found out many years later about my ex-wife's affairs and though I tried to reconcile with her it just was just too much for me to endure that I had to divorce her.

You seem like a good person with a conscience and for that reason I want you to ask yourself if you can honestly take the truth about your affair to the grave? How are you going to feel when you husband tells others that he is so lucky to have a faithful and trusted wife?

Some people who favor not telling, may say that confessing an affair to relieve the guilt is extremely selfish but chances are good that they have not been on the receiving end of betrayal and have no idea how harmful it is to keep such a terrible secret for both the betrayed and the betrayer. The affair will always be there and will come to haunt you again and again. To say that your marriage won't be affected by keeping the affair a secret is very naive thinking and fails to recognize that you are here in this forum because it already has.

mommy22

I understand your thoughts on the repeated behavior, but in my situation that wouldn't be the case. You see, my husband was the only man I had ever been physical with before this whole mess. Anyone who knows me would be COMPLETELY shocked by this. Eleven years of marriage-- now tarnished. Now that I'm thinking more clearly, I see the devastation. I'm scared to death of losing my kids. They're my world. He's never been vindictive, but he's never been faced with anything like this. Hopefully, he would realize how much those kids need me and us as a unified couple. Truth is, I've always loved him but I was so weary of being ignored by him. Now I'm scared he'll never look at me the same. I'm scared to go to a counselor because I had a bad experience with one years ago. I know I have to. I'm tired of being consumed by this. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm afraid despite advice not to tell, it's probably going to have to come out. I don't think I can live with it.

Russell

Mommy22,
I am on your hubby's end... but I'm telling you now, my wife was so incredibly guilt stricken by NOT telling me. I feel hurt, I'm angry, and I've also had thoughts of suicide. But its better she told me.

This way we're not avoiding the issues at the root cause of our problems that caused this issue to begin with. I have addressed my own issues, and still have a little more work to go on myself. I honestly feel that this is a one way battle to save our marriage and that I may be loosing. The only thing that is going to help is time.

You have to tell him. Otherwise, its going to consume you with guilt. Just like my Jane. If you would like to talk, send me an IM.

*edit*

And so you know what I am talking about.... this is my story.
Very complicated... please help

__________________
Hi, my name is Russ, and I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Sober since 27 March, 2008.

BrokenFrag

Of course none of this matters if you cannot feel guilt or remorse, like my wife. She did tell me, though. I think she is actually proud, and she certainly won't stop because it feels too good. She wasn't all that unhappy until she met him, now she acts as if she was never happy, never in love, and could never be again with me. I envy all of you who have spouses with consciences. Doing the right thing is a foreign concept to her. Even if everyone in the world tells her she should stop the affair, make amends with me, and work on her marriage, she won't do it because she thinks what she feels is real and what she should have felt for the last 8 years.

CantThinkOfAJUserName

I think you are being naive. If years from now your marriage continues its present path, you may become so emotionally detached from your husband that another affair will be more than likely and it be of the exit type. There's also the possibility that your husband may have an affair of his own which will just make the marriage much more unsalvageable than before. To paraphrase an old saying, what he doesn't know will definitely hurt you.

Unless you live in a country where an unfaithful wife loses custody of her kids, then you have nothing to fear from this. If your are the primary caregiver, then you have an 80% chance that you will get primary custody. Nevertheless, your children would suffer greatly if their father and mother chose to divorce each other. That is another and one of the saddest costs of infidelity.

Love is a verb which means action and actions speak louder than words. Marriage wise, you and your husband's actions have left a lot to be desired. Besides what makes you think that things will improve if he continues to be unaware of how his behavior contributed to the environment that partly made your affair possible? Seldom due people make conscious choices to change unless there is something that deeply motivates them to do so.

Of course he's not going to ever look at you in the same way (it is to be expected) but how do you know that his present view of you is any good considering that he hasn't paid attention to you in years? If he can overcome the pain of your betrayal, he may see you as a woman again and not an as an old object that has lost its shine and rarely gets any attention.

Ironic isn't it how even after an affair has long ended, its ghostly presence never leaves until it is exorcised by two motivated spouses.