I'm new to this forum and in a predicament I never thought I'd find myself in. I have had an affair for the last 8 months. I'm so ashamed that I've done this. Bottom line is my husband didn't measure up to my expectations and someone gave me the attention I was craving and I did an unjustifiable thing. Unfortunately, I fell in love with this guy. However, I am a Christian and not only do I know what I did was wrong, I don't believe in divorce. I'm praying for the feelings that I've had for this other guy to be feelings that I have for my husband. I've decided to end the affair even though we both have strong feelings. I know it's the right thing to do. The question is, although certainly not perfect, my husband didn't deserve this. Is it imperative that I tell him? I guess I feel like I deserve the guilt and hurt that comes with this. He just doesn't deserve to have his world ripped apart like that! What good would it do him? If I confess and repent to God, do I have to hurt him like that?
I don’t know that you should tell him at this point. You are carrying a lot of guilt and emotional baggage at this point I’d try to get those under control before you tell your husband. The first thing is that you end the affair and have no contact with TOM forever. While he may have filled some voids in your life that your husband wasn’t fulfilling, he is a detriment to you reconnecting with your husband. Also since the affair went on for 8 months and you developed such strong feelings for him it is possible that this has jaded your opinion and views of your husband in some areas. Take time to work on your relationship, discuss with your husband what you are missing in your marriage and look to see if there are needs he has that you are not fulfilling. Since you are of a religious nature pray, for guidance and support. I find that that always helps me. Good luck
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
I could have written this story. I'm having the same problem. I have tried to break it off, but I cant. I want to tell my husband, but I cant. Dont want to hurt him. I dont have any suggestions, just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Thank you both for your replies. I was expecting to get ripped to shreds after posting that. Sweetp thanks for helping me not to feel alone on the subject. At the same time, I know I have to be strong and cut him off. I've tried this numerous times before, but I do think this time is different. It's really beginning to get to me. I don't think I could truly feel happy with the other guy with all the internal guilt. I would also always wonder it my relationship with my husband could've made it if I had given it everything I've got. The problem is, some days I feel stronger than others. I have to maintain strength with this and think about the ramifications that could ensue along with those that already have. Amplexor, I think my husband and I are going to go to counseling to at least get an objective opinion on some of the things that have come between us. I don't think i'll bring up my jaded past at this point.
If Not then I would go with a divorce, you are not happy and you never will be, not fair to either of you...
If your not happy, go find happiness.
Hate to be blunt, but do not hide behind religion, while religion is very personal and should be highly respected, I think keeping a marriage due to religious terms is a bad idea for all involved, God will forgive you.
If you are not in love with your hubby at all...end it and move on.
But if you DO love your Hubby, then work on the relationship and work it out with a counselor.
I personally think you have to come clean with him, if my wife were to come clean I would respect her more int he end.
I have decided to stay and stick this out. I haven't spoken with TOM in a while and never will again. It's true, there's a lot of baggage, anger, resentment, past issues that I didn't get into in my post because I didn't want to sound like I was justifying my behavior. It's very difficult when you communicate what you need for years and years, giving it all you've got and not getting it in return. The word divorce never came up in our marriage until a few months ago. The scare of losing me made him make some changes. It's easy to become complacent in relationships after so many years. He became married to his job and I felt neglected. Physical acts were very few and far between in this affair. It was much more emotionally based. My husband now realizes how much I need him to talk to me instead of working all day and falling asleep with the kids unless he wants sex (then he's wide awake and ready to go!). I just got restless, depressed, and bored. I'm now more confused than ever on whether to tell him or not from the mixed reviews. Is there a guy out there who has been cheated on who is thankful his wife told him? Or, on the other hand, is there someone who was cheated on and wished she just would've made the relationship better with him and left him in the dark on the whole thing? I've tried to put myself in his shoes-- would I want to know or not?
thats a tough choice Mommy22, I can not speak of this situation.
BUt sounds like you want to work it out, so I retract my statement, if it's over (the affair) then let it go...and work on your marriage, keep the secret to yourself and move on.
I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out.
Well, as most of you have seen in my other posts. My wife had an affair with a coworker fo 2-3 months before I found out. I am glad I found out. It made me understand where my relationship really stood with my wife. It made me understand what type of person I choose to be, and it made me understand the type of person my wife is.
As I see it, it doesn't matter what you are or aren't getting from your relationship. Cheating is breaking your marriage vows in the worst possible way. It doesn't matter if you view yourself as a good person doing a bad thing. You are what you do. If you lie, cheat, and hurt people, particularly the ones you love, then you are a liar, a cheater, and someone who cares more for themselves than anyone else.
If there is something missing, you MUST talk about it. If they won't listen, then separate. Go to marriage counseling. If you must, get a divorce.
Respect your spouse enough to not cheat. Respect yourself enough to not cheat. Think about it this way. The man you think you are in love with has knowingly pursued a married woman. What does that say about his character. Think about what your actions say to this man. You are married, but are willing to ruin it all for a little attention and sex. Do you honestly think that any relationship born under this type of lie and deception will actually work out in the end?
When you got married, you had everything you needed to be happy. You just need to find that within yourself again, and within your marriage. Til death do us part is a serious vow. It wasn't until I get bored, or until I get unhappy, or until a "better" man comes along.
I feel like one of the last people on this planet who believes in honesty, commitment, integrity, and personal responsibility.
No long term marriage can survive the many ups and downs that inevitably come along if the people involved are not strong for themselves and their partners. You and your husband will never be able to have the type of relationship you want until everything is out in the open.
Whatever I did to "force" my wife into cheating, I did unknowingly. If she never told me what was wrong, then she has no right to even imply that I am at fault. Just because she wasn't strong enough to talk to me, not strong enough to resist temptation, and not strong enough to end it when she knew it was wrong and was creating feelings of guilt, doesn't make it my fault and certainly doesn't justify her behavior.
I believe that if you cheat, you must come clean and try to make amends. For if you don't, you will never be able to get rid of the guilt. It will poison your relationships from here on out, and you will never find the happiness and love that you say you were seeking when you cheated.
Sorry, if I was harsh, every person has a different story and a different life, but I HATE it when people do not take responsibility for their own actions. Fate or God present us the opportunities. WE choose what to do with them. I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be, but I know right from wrong. I believe in commitment, love, and integrity. And I would kill myself before I broke the vows that I made 8 years ago to my wife.
I give my love and my forgiveness to my wife because it is a gift to myself. If she still does not want them, then I will find someone who will appreciate and love everything that I am and am not. No one deserves the pain and humiliation that comes with being betrayed.
I say if your sincere about stopping it dont tell your husband. But you need to decide if you cant give him a proper relationship you need to divorce. You cant have your cake and eat it too.
there is a reason you feel the way you do (shame etc.) The question is what are you going to do about it. The problem with your type of behavour is it typically repeats itself after you get over the bad feelings.
I cheated-- do I tell him?
Re: I cheated-- do I tell him?
Re: I cheated-- do I tell him?
