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Reconciling after an affair- three mistakes the cheater makes

24K views 230 replies 35 participants last post by  user_zero 
#1 · (Edited)
Reconciling after an affair- three mistakes the cheater makes

From the article:

Your courageous work if you are trying to recover your marriage after and affair is to keep these three mistakes in mind. Don’t keep in touch with your ex-lover, focus on your healing work. Don’t idealize what was a fantasy; enjoy what you have in reality. Don’t try to hurry your hurt spouse to “get over it” and recognize they will be hurt for a long time.
 
#155 ·
I haven't posted for a long time. But this situation has me concerned.

CP, doesn't anyone in your life love you enough to confront you about how unstable your thinking and behavior has become? I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you weren't crazy before this affair twisted your heart and mind.

He's lied to you. He lies to you. Any person who is in an affair with someone who is messed up like you is going to lie to them. You are threatening to his entire world. Do you think he doesn't know what you're doing and how bunny boiler it is?

She's not acknowledging you. What's to acknowledge? She knows the truth. She lives it.

Her truth also lives with a crazy woman stalking her and trying to wreck the same universe you're trying to wreck for her husband.

Love and truth. Ponder these words and do your best to reconcile them with your thinking and behavior. I hope they will help you come back to reality (truth) and to get help for your problems and to exit the relationship so you can heal. So everyone can heal.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
 
#159 ·
Many posters are giving you the same message CP. If you read the posts, I mean really read them, and think about them, rather than getting defensive, snarky, trying to be witty or putting up a front. If you are open and honest, a lot the posters here will do their level best to give you good advice and opinions (some will even do it in a nicer way). Some will still take shots, but you are a big girl, no? And like I said, if you really read the posts, even those loaded with attitude are saying you ought to be worth more than you are accepting in your situation.
 
#160 ·
Yes some have said helpful things but some have been down right abusive. My relationship isn't a short term or one night stand. It's hard to walk away when I'm in love with him. Do I know being in love with a mm is toxic, well of course but it doesn't make me love him less. I'm hoping in the near future to be able to ignore the phone calls and texts but I have a lot going on in my life and he is my friend and my shoulder to lean on when I need it.
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#173 ·
canuckprincess said:
I feel terrible that the bs is hurting, if you knew me you would know I'm 100 percent honest. I have zero reason to lie, I mean zero!.......I'm sure he wouldn't be happy about it, but it won't be a deal breaker for us......I know this relationship is toxic for all of us but I can't seem to break free. .....I'm not being deceptive, I'm not lying to anyone......I choose to want to be honest with her.
How you can believe that you are 100% honest??????? Not being deceptive? But you still wont tell bs that she's in false r???? As long as your a ow you are NOT 100% honest.

canuckprincess said:
Also what makes everyone think that all ow/ om want a full time relationship? I'm not a needy person, I don't need him to keep a roof over my head or kill spiders for me. I'm not looking for a promotion, I love my current position......At this moment in time my needs are being fulfilled.......I'm hoping in the near future to be able to ignore the phone calls and texts.......I never asked him to leave her. I like living alone in my house so for me it's perfect in that regards.
vs:

canuckprincess said:
screw it I'm gonna fight for what I want.
Hey wait didnt you just insist you already HAVE what you want???? :rofl: :bunny: :bunny:
 
#181 ·
You're very focussed on other people in your defensiveness. Mm, the bs, they aren't the ones posting. You can't control them, you control yourself (or not, in your case), that's why the posters here are hard on you. Because you are the only one who's behaviour or choices can be influenced by responding to you. If the others were to post, they'd get the same straight forward, no bull**** advice to alter their own reactions to the situation.
But go ahead, by all means, deflect, dodge responsibility for your own choices, get defensive. That's why you're here after all isn't it? To feel better about your own situation?
 
#186 ·
CP,

Do you believe that each of us has an aura? An energy field that surrounds us. A type of energy our bodies create?

Some people project positive energy. Some people project negative energy. Some people don't project energy at all. They feed on the energy of others sucking them dry. Your paramour is taking away energy from you. Energy that could/should be spent elsewhere. Maybe that energy would help you to make more and better friends? Maybe that energy would be spent doing more enjoyable hobbies or finding a better more fulfilling job? And just maybe that energy might be used to attract a man that can and is willing to give you all his energy in return. You may love your paramour with all your heart but its a one way love. He is always taking and you are always giving. And what its going to do is leave you drained and used up if you don't break the cycle.

How do you end an LTA? Obviously go NC but I may also suggest that you contact his wife and tell her that you have tried to break it off several times but her husband keeps pursuing you. Tell her you are weak and have allowed him back in your life every time but you want it to end. Remember, the enemy of my enemy can be a friend. Make the OMW your ally in breaking the affair once and for all.

Another thing you can do is to tell a few close friends and/or relatives that you want this to end but you need support. Ask them to be your support system encouraging you to move in the right direction and being available to help you when you're weak.

Yet another thing to do is to get into counseling and have the counselor help you to find more strength within yourself to live a better life and to find true happiness. Sometimes its very theraputic to just talk to someone when issues come up. I suspect that one of the things that your paramour does for you is to be there when you need to talk. Shift that burden over to a counselor who can help guide you in a more constructive and fulfilling way.

Basically if you truly want to end the A and start building a better life for yourself you can do it. It all starts with the first step.
 
#187 ·
:iagree: If you really wanted it to stop, then get a restraining order and tell him NC or you will file a harassment charge as well. Just because you were with him for so long doesn't mean you owe him something special if he doesn't want to honor your wishes. Just like anyone else you deserve to have your privacy ini this and if it takes legal action to accomplish this, then so be it. Remeber just because you aren't cheating on someone directly, you are cheating someone in this mess, so own your responsibilities as you are destroying another's marriage (it no you then probably someone else, just don't let it be you).
 
#188 ·
I certainly would never get a restraining order on him. I just wish I had the strength to not answer the phone or return a text. It's hard when you love someone to just cut ties. I do however get a little confused as to wether I'm suppose to tell his wife before cutting ties. I don't see the purpose of telling her if I decide to walk away. What if she's ok with not knowing the whole truth. I have thought about simply asking her if she wants to know but I don't think she'll take my call. Any input as to what I should do in that situation. I would want to know the truth if it was me but bit everyone wants to know. Same as some cancer patients want to know how much time they have and some don't. Who am I to decide if she wants to know the truth.
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#189 ·
CP, even with the hard time I gave you earlier, I want to point out that, had I come on here, as the OW (which I was, at the same time I was the WW), and if I had been unremorseful, trying to justify my actions as far as cheating on my husband, I can guarantee they would have brought out the pitchforks! They would have raked me over the coals. But, that didn't happen. I know how hard it is to get out something like that... at least the emotional aspect of it. But, you do get over it, in time.

As for what to tell BW...well, as was stated before, give it all to her. Give a copy of text records (block out numbers unrelated to her WH), copies of emails, etc. Just send them to her, and specify that only SHE can sign for them. Once you have confirmation that she got it, tell her husband you no longer wish to have any contact with him...period. And stick to it. Get busy doing things with friends, family, etc. But, I would do all this before speaking with her husband. You said you would want to know the whole truth.... give the same to her. What she does with it is up to her.
 
#194 ·
Why do you want to be one of those two women? Why don't you want someone who gives you 100% of his time and attention and committment?

And don't say you don't want committment...you have been in a LTA with this man and seem to be willing to wait....

For what, I don't know. B/c the extreme cake eaters never leave their wife.
 
#196 ·
Can't you pleople get your head around the fact that not everybody wants to be living with or married to someone. I'm financially secure I have a large network of friends and the idea of being glued to someone makes me feel like I can't breathe. I'm not needy like most woman I'm independent and I like what we have. I just want him to be honest with her because every bs on this forum claims to want the truth. I love my mm and I love the time we get together, but I don't need it all the time.
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#198 ·
Why do you believe every word a proven liar says? Do you really think you are so special that you are given the unvarnished truth? Shoot, girl, you don't require any sort integrity of yourself, bargaining and arguing both fact and logic and dismissing morality as for other people, again, because you are so special.

Just cut the crap. If you are so happy stop posting, maintain your situation and leave us alone.

If you really want to be a good person and help yourself, take an action that proves it.

It isn't that we don't want to help you. It is that there is only so much energy to go around. Nobody can help an unrepentant fool. Nobody can save you if you don't want to be saved.

Mature up and see that there are other people in this world. You have a moral obligation that you won't fulfill because you won't acknowledge your pain or the truth that your pain is not justification for causing others pain.

Do you really want to live in a world filled with people like your so-called boyfriend and you? Want that for friends and family? For the little girl down the block?

Do you?

This is a yes or no question.
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#205 ·
If she's no longer reading the posts on TAM or LS it's because she has come to terms with the idea of sharing with me which is all I wanted. If she is in denial it's because naïve people have convinced her that I'm making this up, well I know I'm not and that's all that matters. So spare me the bull that all bs want to know the truth, some don't want to know and she is one of them.
 
#218 ·
canuckprincess,

you keep saying 'I fall in Love' , 'I can't stop it' ,....
you do realize you have a choice in this. and as long as you have a choice your going to be held accountable for the choices you make by the one that gave you the power to choose.

There are a lot of things wrong with what your doing , saying , posting ,... . I'm not angry at you. I don't hate you. I just feel sorry for you. you're destroying your own life and you don't even know it. or should I say you don't wanna know it. I'm curious how do you see your life lets say in 5 or 10 years? that you are the mistress of a married man. or he finally grew up and divorced his wife and now you're together. that you finally have won the competition. do you think the prize would worth it? if you ever have any children , how do you explain to them this 'phase of your life'? what kinda role model is that? what kinda advice would you give them if they find themselves in the same situation?

you know you are wrong.

---------------------------------------------
to the other posters :
i read all of the posts on this thread and I ask myself what is it that she is getting from coming here and post? I mean clearly there is a reward here right. and I realized she likes to fight, likes the challenge you know: talking , word-exchanging . proving others they are wrong to win the battle. its quite ego-boosting. the more the opposite people , the stronger their ideas , the greater challenge and therefore the greater fulfillment. its a form of seeking attention from an insecure character.
the best way you can deal with these kinda of people is indifference. ignore them and they fade away eventually.
there are a lot of people (BS , WS , FWS) on this forum that worth more of your time and energy. i mean clearly she is not hearing your advice. so give your advice to someone who needs and can hear it.

good luck every one.
 
#219 ·
Do you think this is a game, it's not. There are no winners, just three losers. I'm here because I want the strength to end it, not because I think it's wrong to love a man but because "society" says its wrong. Why should I put the opinions of strangers ahead of my own. Just because a bunch of strangers say so, well I'm gonna do what's best for me not the general population. So if staying is best for me or leaving is best for me then that's what I'll do.

As for future children we are both past that and I do have a son who has known my mm all his life. So why should I take that away from him, oh I know why cause a bunch of closed minded strangers say so!
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#225 ·
Yeah, I definitely think posting here is a game for CP. read her responses here and on other threads.... Every time someone tries to offer her advice, she dismisses it, is someone asks her anything, she gets defensive, or she plain just tries to rile people up on this/other threads. C'mon, you aren't trying to find the strength to end the affair... You've said numerous times that you like the breadcrumbs so why should you end it. I agree 100% with User_zero, CP isn't here for help, just a little word exchange.
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#227 ·
I find this thread very interesting in that the OP has expressed no interest in any recommendations posted, yet posters continue, almost like zealots, trying to right a wrong. Not everyone subscribes to the same beliefs expressed here, or the rigid ways of handling infidelity. This site has the feel of "our way or the highway" mentality.
 
#228 ·
She's all strong,independent and not needy, but she 'wants the strength to end it'.

She wants to end it/she's happy with her position/she wishes the asshat loved her enough to leave his wife.

She wants to tell the bs who is in the dark in false r
Oh no, the bs knows and has decided to share with cp.

She doesn't lie. O wait,she's spend years decieving the bs. And she has to stamp her feet and insist to us about how honest she is.

her dude tells cp that the wife discusses her posts on TAM with him
But bs 'isnt even asking him about it'.

Shes asked the bs if she wants the truth.No, she's "thought about asking her ".

She gets honesty from 'her" mm. But wait, "she's not stupid she's sure he lies to her".
She won't tolerate any lies or it's over. Yet here she still is, not over.

This is clearly fiction.Princess, are you trying to write the script for a soap opera and are testing it out on us?Cause its gonna flop with all those continuty problems.


Userzero,I think the reason we all still play with CP is cause being the betrayed hurts,,reading the same stories of betrayal thousands of times on the board gets to hurt, we want distracton. Like watching a comedy, here comes CP to provide something completly different with her clown act.I myself play spot the inconsistenties,kinda like wheres waldo. takes me away from thinkng about my 'false r for a few minutes!:rolleyes:
 
#230 ·
She never answers easy, yes or no questions but will argue inanely about others.

I agree it is time for all of us to put CP on ignore. Being able to talk about this alleged affair is part of how she builds up its significance in her mind. It is reenforcing the affair, if there really is one. Bottom line - if there is one, we are helping to perpetuate it. If there isn't, we are doing a disturbed person no good.

She owes a big apology to Canadians, too. CP stands for crackpot, nothing more.
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#231 ·
I don't know whether it is real or fiction (not sure which one is worse :scratchhead:). but she is never going to take responsibility. she is always a victim of something (falling in love, general population's view , closed minded strangers , bitter people , ...). Obviously she needs serious IC. I'm sure the topic of 'Emotional Maturity' would come up several times.

I think people here keep responding to CP not because they are zealots or they are trying to right a wrong or they have a rigid way or something. I think its because that although they are stranger to her but they are not stranger to her situation. they have enough experience to know that these kinda things always end in ruins. they are compassionate. they care about her maybe even more than herself. they just wanna help.
I'm just saying when you're helping someone, you should see that how much your help is really effective. is it person truly accepting the help or it's just falling on deaf ears. they are a lot of people here who I believe deserve their compassion , their care and their help a lot more.
------------------------
please don't make me post on this topic again. I already advised other posters to ignore it. what kinda person would I be if I don't follow my own advice? ;)

PM: I think this is one of those rare cases that Ignorance is truly bliss (for everyone) :D
 
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