Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Reconciling after an affair- three mistakes the cheater makes

24K views 230 replies 35 participants last post by  user_zero 
#1 · (Edited)
Reconciling after an affair- three mistakes the cheater makes

From the article:

Your courageous work if you are trying to recover your marriage after and affair is to keep these three mistakes in mind. Don’t keep in touch with your ex-lover, focus on your healing work. Don’t idealize what was a fantasy; enjoy what you have in reality. Don’t try to hurry your hurt spouse to “get over it” and recognize they will be hurt for a long time.
 
#11 ·
You are so right, when my exh cheated on me I was mad and hurt. I was really angry with the ow because I knew her and had helped her several times. I got over it very quickly most likely be wise I really didn't like my exh. We were not very close and we certainly weren't friends.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#12 ·
You are so right, when my exh cheated on me I was mad and hurt. I was really angry with the ow because I knew her and had helped her several times. I got over it very quickly most likely be wise I really didn't like my exh. We were not very close and we certainly weren't friends.
Posted via Mobile Device
Wow....then you definitely are better off divorced....question:why did you two marry?
 
#19 ·
canuckprincess, the "full story" is absolutly irrelevant, you are once again deflecting the issue here, using this time lord as you used BW earlier.
You are the OW in a marriage, so go NC. Period.
Why do you care what the wife know, her motivations or MOM's to begin with? Why you never adress you behavior?

There's no grey areas, you post sometimes as a BS as in this thread.
Why don't you have a little more self respect (and please, don't bring again BW and what kind of self respect she has, stop deflecting).
 
#27 ·
Canuckprincess, all I see is that you are majorly messed up! You have been on BOTH sides of the fence and you ask "why can't we realize that someone can love two people at the same time?" If you seriously need an answer to that question, I suggest you sign yourself into the nearest mental institution and get your head screwed on straight! Simply...IT'S WRONG!

As far as I am concerned you have NO business posting on CWI with your mentality or opinions. It is not productive or welcome! Your cake eating ways are disgusting! Why would you continue to post here with your current lifestyle behaviors? :scratchhead: If you are looking for validation or justification, I would suggest moving on.
 
#28 ·
As far as I am concerned you have NO business posting on CWI with your mentality or opinions. It is not productive or welcome! Your cake eating ways are disgusting! Why would you continue to post here with your current lifestyle behaviors? :scratchhead: If you are looking for validation or justification, I would suggest moving on.
Please.
 
#49 ·
Well to answer your question, what future do any of us have, people fall in and out of love and move on to other relationships. In the moment I'm happy, I'm loved, I'm worshiped and I'm pleasured in all the ways I need. I like where things are, I just want some bs's who think they are in R to think again because some are not.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#51 ·
I just want some bs's who think they are in R to think again because some are not.
Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks for enlighting us. So noble of you.
Now we are all informed about flase Rs why don't you go back to your cheater's website?
Why bragging to hurting people the fact you are such a delicious cake?
Are we just names in a screen, no entities, less as persons, as BW?
 
#56 ·
I'm sure he wouldn't be happy about it, but it won't be a deal breaker for us. You see the one thing my bf knows is when it comes to our twisted love triangle I do not lie. She will get the basics and if she wanted the entire detailed relationship for the last 2 years I would tell and answer questions. I want her to know but only if she requests it.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#65 ·
Canuck: WHY ARE YOU HERE? You are NOT looking to get out of the affair, you are NOT looking to tell the BS the truth, you are NOT looking to change anything. So what are you doing here? I honestly think you are just trying to disrupt this forum. You offer no good advice to BS' here(at least xOW shared some advice from her point of view).

I will wish you good luck cause it looks like all you will ever be is an OW for the next 7+ years. I can't imagine that kind of life but you seem to thrive off of deception, causing people pain and possibly destroying multiple lives.
 
#77 ·
How did a thread on the mistakes that a WS makes in a reconciliation attempt turn into a tit-for-tat with one poster? A poster who eggs on people who have been brutally hurt by infidelity?

To CP: If you have truly spent the last 7+ years of your life as the second choice of a man who has no interest in leaving his W, then you are not at all an honest person. At the very least, you are lying to yourself every minute of every day. I've known women who were long-term mistresses of married men - they are pathetic and sad as they get older. No more bravado. That dries up dramatically as they age.

You can protest that you are helpless to stop what you are doing, but that is just another lie. You can stop any time. You can stop right now.
 
#78 ·
This thread was about reconcilliation and my posts are about people in false reconcilliation. I'm really confused as to whether a bs in false reconcilliation truly wants the truth. If a bs chooses denial then they must assume some of the responsibility of the continued affair.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#82 ·
CP you may be honest but is your OM? Does he make promises to you that he fails to keep? Certainly he has done this with his wife.

I hope you do find a healthy relationship with a SO. However spinning your wheels on MM while you could be investing that energy in a different direction... Is that what you want for your future? Is that the life of happiness you want to pursue? Sharing a man with someone else? You speak a lot of your honesty. Have you been honest with yourself?

I have read stories of false and successful R. I believe both happen.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#84 ·
Reading this thread just makes me sad, CP.

You're obviously a smart woman. Yet you're being used.

You say you love him and you can't stop being with him in spite of his cheating, you acknowledge he is poison and this is a bad situation. You are WILLINGLY HURTING YOURSELF by your own admission! Why are you doing this to yourself?

If he loved you as much as he claims, he wouldn't be hurting you like this. He would have left her by now for you, because he would have seen your pain and guilt and wanted to stop it. Why hasn't he?

It makes me so sad to see someone hurt, no matter the circumstances.
 
#86 ·
Eventually if you throw the dog enough cookies, it might start to notice the circle has three points and isn't looking so round... Not always, but there are cases where an old dog can learn a new trick.

I agree from experience about the TT being about the WS trying to minimize the damage to themselves, it's another selfish move.
 
#88 ·
My fWW would never have told me about her PA had I not been obsessive about finding out the facts. I know more details than I want in some areas, but I NEEDED to know what the hell went on with them so I could make my own choices about my own life. Tying myself to her with vows and jewelry wasn't enough for her, and it wasn't enough for me, either. I needed the actual promises to be kept.

Finding out they met up at least four times, and had sex at least once, two weeks after she took my ring and made those promises was the biggest punch to the balls a man can take. Her not telling me about it, and grinding on me about "rules of a relationship" while she'd broken all of them, was as big a betrayal as the other crap.

Frankly, that big a lie in a relationship, followed by lies to "keep me from hurting more" was what made me, for the very first and scary time, think about leaving her.
 
#117 ·
CP, this reminds me of that Showtime series... Polyamory. Is that what you want? I believe in that show, all the parties involved are in agreement though... It does not seem like it is in yours. Maybe you should convince your MM to divorce his present W and find someone of like mind?
 
#140 ·
Yes and the entire time the happy couple are living a lie, thanks but if those are my choices I choose to die alone!
Posted via Mobile Device
I think you are just chaffing under the knowledge that you've been used for so long and that MM has no intention of leaving. Your best (only) bet is that she kicks him to the curb, and then you will get him. By default. Maybe.

You know that you are #2, and more than likely won't get promoted. I'd say you are living a lie.
 
#145 ·
I truly am sorry for you because you are missing out on so much in life by wasting your time with such a selfish jerk.[/QUOTE]

Hmmm interesting, isn't the bs also wasting her life on a "selfish jerk". If I decide to end my relationship it will be because my needs are not being met not because someone tells me it's not right. At this moment in time my needs are being fulfilled. I'm not wasting my time, or letting life pass me by.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#150 ·
I understand. You are using humor to deflect because the discussion is uncomfortable. I'm sorry that your self esteem is so low that you accept breadcrumbs when you should be looking for a satisfying meal.

At this moment in time my needs are being fulfilled. I'm not wasting my time, or letting life pass me by.
Posted via Mobile Device
Why do you believe your needs are so insignificant that they are being fulfilled with such little effort from a part time paramour? Why do you feel your life is so trivial as to waste it in such a manner? You are worth more than this.
 
#152 ·
This is probably a waste of time and energy but, of course the bs is being used, wasting her time, blah, blah, blah. She isn't the one posting on the thread though. You are. The advice and opinions are for you. Not her. Why do you keep dragging her into it. You can't control anything she does (which relates to my previous post, she's human, and they are capable of horrific ****, but I digress). You can't control the ws either. You can only try to control yourself. Most people here get that. Most people also get that it isn't really in one's own self interest to act as selfishly and self absorbed as you say you do. You say you share your toys well, did that apply to the guy who cheated on you? Do you think that everyone shares as well as you do? You obviously couldn't give a ****, and maybe you won't ever have to. I think you could be worth more too, and that your situation could be orders of magnitude better, but who am I to say, just some anonymous schmuck on an internet forum, right?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top