Husband cheated-so depressed
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Husband cheated-so depressed

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-05-2013, 02:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband cheated-so depressed

Hello,

I just recently found out that my husband of a year and half, together for over 7 1/2 years has cheated on me. A little back story, when we first started dating he would email people and talk about sex with them. I had my suspicions and had found the email left open and checked. I confronted him and he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. Just before our one year anniversary I went out with some girlfriends and he went to a party, when I walked in the door from being out all night he was having intercourse with a girl from the party. He was extremely drunk and incoherent and started vomiting after I had found him. We broke up and he moved out. After thinking it over I eventually took him back, I decided our relationship was worth the work. I would check up on him every once in a while with his phone and his email, he would always willingly had over his phone, he never would before and I started trusting him again. There have been times over the last few years that I have had my suspicions again and would check but find nothing. I'd ask, he would say no.. I got on his computer last night while he was out fishing and found that he had been talking to one of my employees via video chat and doing things over the webcam. I stopped looking, called him and he came home. When he got home he tried to say that he didn't know what that was from and he didn't remember doing it. I called my employee and asked her and then after talking to her he fessed up and said he had contacted her because he felt like it was easy and he was feeling lonely because we weren't talking that much and intimacy was really limited. We had a long conversation and I agreed I wasn't putting my all in the relationship anymore and that we both could do more to make this work. I asked him one last time if I would look on his computer if I would find anything more and he said no, he promised. I put all of my faith into him and this morning just had that gut feeling... I looked on his computer and found more emails in his history that pop up, he deleted them so I am unable to read it but I know they were there. I just feel like I am at such a loss. I don't want to talk to my friends or family about it because they will hate him.. if I stay with him how horrible would it be to have my family and friends hate him. I feel like I'm going crazy... I can't imagine not being with him, we have the best time together and it just baffling to me that he would do this. I can't stop crying and I just don't feel like I can function. I don't know if I should try to do counseling with him, end it, move on and hope it doesn't happen again... I just feel like I need to scream to get it all out.. I feel like I have wasted 8 years of my life on a man that will never love me like I love him. I feel like I am doing something wrong that he is cheating on me. I feel like there are things we could work on but that this shouldn't have happened. Why is it so easy for some people to lie?? please help me!
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Old 08-05-2013, 02:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated-so depressed

It will happen again and again. He will never change his ways so you will have to put up with it or move on.

Those, as I see it, are your only two choices.

He screws around a lot more than you know about.

Get tested for STD's right away.
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Old 08-05-2013, 03:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated-so depressed

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Originally Posted by skyblue319 View Post
Hello,

I just recently found out that my husband of a year and half, together for over 7 1/2 years has cheated on me. A little back story, when we first started dating he would email people and talk about sex with them. I had my suspicions and had found the email left open and checked. I confronted him and he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. Just before our one year anniversary I went out with some girlfriends and he went to a party, when I walked in the door from being out all night he was having intercourse with a girl from the party. He was extremely drunk and incoherent and started vomiting after I had found him. We broke up and he moved out. After thinking it over I eventually took him back, I decided our relationship was worth the work. I would check up on him every once in a while with his phone and his email, he would always willingly had over his phone, he never would before and I started trusting him again. There have been times over the last few years that I have had my suspicions again and would check but find nothing. I'd ask, he would say no.. I got on his computer last night while he was out fishing and found that he had been talking to one of my employees via video chat and doing things over the webcam. I stopped looking, called him and he came home. When he got home he tried to say that he didn't know what that was from and he didn't remember doing it. I called my employee and asked her and then after talking to her he fessed up and said he had contacted her because he felt like it was easy and he was feeling lonely because we weren't talking that much and intimacy was really limited. We had a long conversation and I agreed I wasn't putting my all in the relationship anymore and that we both could do more to make this work. I asked him one last time if I would look on his computer if I would find anything more and he said no, he promised. I put all of my faith into him and this morning just had that gut feeling... I looked on his computer and found more emails in his history that pop up, he deleted them so I am unable to read it but I know they were there. I just feel like I am at such a loss. I don't want to talk to my friends or family about it because they will hate him.. if I stay with him how horrible would it be to have my family and friends hate him. I feel like I'm going crazy... I can't imagine not being with him, we have the best time together and it just baffling to me that he would do this. I can't stop crying and I just don't feel like I can function. I don't know if I should try to do counseling with him, end it, move on and hope it doesn't happen again... I just feel like I need to scream to get it all out.. I feel like I have wasted 8 years of my life on a man that will never love me like I love him. I feel like I am doing something wrong that he is cheating on me. I feel like there are things we could work on but that this shouldn't have happened. Why is it so easy for some people to lie?? please help me!
I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you your story of how you have been treated is sad and this man sounds like a terrible husband. You deserve better. I would highly recommend filing for divorce, getting tested for STD's . He sounds like the type that goes after whatever he can slip himself into. A real winner.
Think highly of yourself, do not let his actions define you. Some good people with great advice will be here soon to help you through this. They have been through this and you should listen to their points..
Good luck.
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Old 08-05-2013, 03:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated-so depressed

well you put your faith in someone who consistently used your faith to cheat. Every time you gave him a free pass you dared him to go further. You are making him a better cheater because now all he has to do is hide it better and he knows you will faithfully take him back. As long as you don't find out everything.

The first rule to affair busting is transparency. total 100 percent transparency. the second rule is don't get complacent. Check up on him daily make sure he isn't trying to hide.
By being nice and loving him more you actually worked against your marriage.
If you want to end this problem in your marriage you will investigate any and all forms of communication. You will gather evidence and you won't reveal your evidence until you have found enough evidence to prove the full extent of his infidelity.

The next step is the confrontation. Reveal his infidelity and demand immediate transparency. Full access to email, phone, and all other forms of communication.

during the confrontation it needs to be clear that you are 100 percent commited to leaving if he hides or decieves you in anyway. So if two days after the confrontation he tells you oh yea I forgot this old email account. Then you need to pack your stuff up and leave. because that old email account was probably the email account he did all of his bad stuff on but is okay sharing it with you since he had the time the cherry pick the emails that he didn't want you to see.
It is all or nothing either he comes clean and spills or you are done. To save your marriage you have to be willing to end your marriage. because if you give in and say you believe him you are just handing him the golden ticket to act out more.
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Old 08-05-2013, 03:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated-so depressed

Sadly, you are married to a liar and cheater who simply does not have the expectations that you have of marriage. To feel that you love someone who makes a point of secretly betraying you is a very hard thing to reconcile, isn't it? It is the worst sort of cognitive dissonance, to feel so attached and heartbroken over someone who expends so much mental and physical energy on a secret life that he knows will hurt you beyond imagining.

I think you haven't begun to know what he has been doing. You only know a fraction of the man that he is & he will lie until the cows come home to make sure that you don't find out.

I'm sorry. His is the classic profile of a cheating heart. If you want to try to salvage things, you may want more information, which would mean some more investigation. If you stay on here, you can gather some more information to help you with that.
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Old 08-05-2013, 03:55 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated-so depressed

A couple of comments:

I've noticed that the conventional wisdom here seems to be that when a partner cheats early on in a relationship or marriage, that it's best to move on without them. That it's just too much of a risk to expect the cheating won't continue if it's happened that soon; and that without decades of time in the relationship or children, it's a much less difficult break.

I happen to agree with that, but it's easier said than done. Unfortunately, in your case, it would seem that theory is proving true - and you have a decision to make.

The other thing;it is possible to recover his deleted e-mails, especially if he's is using a Window's based e-mail program (not internet based like Yahoo) such as Outlook or Window's Mail. E-mail recovery software can easily grab them if so, and I'd be glad to tell you how if you post back or send me a PM.

Sorry you're here.
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Old 08-05-2013, 04:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated-so depressed

Sorry you are here. It is very difficult to find that the person whom you trusted the most in your life could do this to you.

1. It is unlikely that anything is going to change with your husband. So early in this marriage (that too after being together for so long), and he does this. He will do this over and over again. Sorry.

2. If you really want to try (again, what's the point?), then start MC asap, and IC for him. He likely has a personality disorder which needs to be diagnosed by a professional.

3. You need to contact your family and friends. They will give you the much needed support. Your WH deserves all the hatred coming in his way. Contact his family and friends too. Infidelity survives in darkness, shine light upon it and make it difficult for him.

4. You need to decide what you want from this marriage. If you decide to stay, you will have to live like a warden for a very long time, and there will be no guarantee of success. Is it worth it?

5. Protect you finances and contact an attorney. Draw up the divorce paper. To save a marriage this bad you have to be willing to lose it. But I am not going to give you any false hope. Be prepared to be divorced and start your life again from scratch.

6. What has your husband done to prove his remorse? I don't see any sign. If he wants to stay in the marriage then he needs to write NC letter, give you full access to his phone, email, communication apps. I would go further and ask that he doesn't use computers without your supervision. It will be like a jail? Do you want to babysit him all the time? What is so special about him for your effort?

7. In economics, there is a concept of sunk cost. The past seven years of your life is already gone, you cannot get is back. Is it worthwhile to lose even more by thinking of it? Why? Take it as an investment in a valuable life lesson. Never shoot low again.

Good luck.
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Old 08-05-2013, 04:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you for all of your replies, its given me a lot to think about.. i feel like i'm making excuses for him, but last night when we talked he grabbed his laptop and handed me the battery from it and the cord for the outlet and said "take it, i don't want to be on the internet anymore, I don't deserve to use the computer, I don't like who I am on the computer, take it and hide it, I don't want it." I just don't know if he is thinking this is what I want to hear or if that was genuine. That was the only hope I was holding on to. I text him and told him I have a bag packed for him and to prepare himself to tell me the truth or he is out of this house.

Is there anything i should look at on his computer before he comes home from work so I have proof, that I haven't already? I checked his email (he uses gmail through his browser), facebook, *.jpg, *.mpeg searches, history search.....
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Old 08-05-2013, 04:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I also emailed his mom and dad, I explained everything that has happened, it felt good. I just don't know if I'm ready to tell my family.
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Old 08-05-2013, 04:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated-so depressed

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Originally Posted by skyblue319 View Post
Thank you for all of your replies, its given me a lot to think about.. i feel like i'm making excuses for him, but last night when we talked he grabbed his laptop and handed me the battery from it and the cord for the outlet and said "take it, i don't want to be on the internet anymore, I don't deserve to use the computer, I don't like who I am on the computer, take it and hide it, I don't want it." I just don't know if he is thinking this is what I want to hear or if that was genuine. That was the only hope I was holding on to. I text him and told him I have a bag packed for him and to prepare himself to tell me the truth or he is out of this house.

Is there anything i should look at on his computer before he comes home from work so I have proof, that I haven't already? I checked his email (he uses gmail through his browser), facebook, *.jpg, *.mpeg searches, history search.....
others on here might be able to help you there. I would not give it back though until it was thoroughly searched.
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Old 08-05-2013, 04:52 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated-so depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by skyblue319 View Post
Thank you for all of your replies, its given me a lot to think about.. i feel like i'm making excuses for him, but last night when we talked he grabbed his laptop and handed me the battery from it and the cord for the outlet and said "take it, i don't want to be on the internet anymore, I don't deserve to use the computer, I don't like who I am on the computer, take it and hide it, I don't want it." I just don't know if he is thinking this is what I want to hear or if that was genuine. That was the only hope I was holding on to. I text him and told him I have a bag packed for him and to prepare himself to tell me the truth or he is out of this house.

Is there anything i should look at on his computer before he comes home from work so I have proof, that I haven't already? I checked his email (he uses gmail through his browser), facebook, *.jpg, *.mpeg searches, history search.....
Sorry, I'm not a g-mail expert, but it looks like you won't be able to recover any e-mails from his hard drive. Maybe someone that is, can tell you if there's a back door method to getting his most recent ones through his Google account.

Have you checked you cell phone bill for his calls and text history - to see if he has deleted texts? If he has, those are possible to recover as well.
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Old 08-05-2013, 07:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated-so depressed

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last night when we talked he grabbed his laptop and handed me the battery from it and the cord for the outlet and said "take it, i don't want to be on the internet anymore, I don't deserve to use the computer, I don't like who I am on the computer, take it and hide it, I don't want it."
This amounts to an alcoholic which dramaticaly tell you get the beer out of my sight and expect it's already fixed. More designed to elicit a response from you than a genuine insight.
He can't stay away from PC/cellphones/iPad, etc.
Also it's not about internet, he's putting the blame... elsewere, remember you caught in the the act with another girl.
It's a pattern if seeking and having no boundaires no personal restrains.

He had the nerve to target your employee! It's beyond the "normal". I'd say it has an element of control or passive agression.

With no kids here and so early on the marriage I'd think very hard. It's basicaly a window in the future. Imagine this kind of crap and worse (as they use to scalate) with several kids in the mix.
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