husband had a one night stand
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-18-2010, 09:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default husband had a one night stand

four days ago my husband came home drunk and confessed to a one night stand he had ten months ago. At the time i was pregnant, he was away on an amatuer football tour and was a day away from coming home.

He was sharing a room with two other lads. the last night one of the lads happened to bring a girl back, this lad passed out so she decided to come on to my husband. he did not decline her advances and ended up having sex with her (protected). he says that he threw her out straight afterwards and cried for a long time.

he said he feels remorseful but it took him ten months to tell me and the fact that i was pregnant at the time hurts even more.

I feel really betrayed, our relationship has always been strong, communication is always there and our sexual relationship was always good too. Never had any large arguments. I had what i thought was the perfect marriage. This is why it has come as such a shock. he had no reason to betray me other than the fact that he had access to sex on a plate.

How could he forget about having a pregnant wife? My husband is a good person and a wonderful father. He does love us both very much and we are going to try and make it work.

Im just confused, i cant see how he could have been happier leaving for that tour. how can i accept the fact that he had sex with her purely because of raw male needs.

i need to forgive and get passed this. i just dont know how. i love my husband dearly adn would do anything for him and i know he would do the same.

he is currently sleeping in the spare bedroom, he is being good in that he is giving me space. but how long is a good time to keep him at arms length. my husband is my beast friend and in a situation like this it makes it even more difficult that i dont have the comfort of the person that means most to me.

Any advice on how to move on?
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Old 01-18-2010, 12:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband had a one night stand

Take comfort in the fact that he confessed and seems genuinely sorry. And you do need to forgive him!

There isn't a magic number of days or time that you need to keep him at arm's length. Maybe letting him in a little will help you to examine how you feel and deal with it. Expect that it will take time and that the feelings will go up and down for awhile.

You sound like a solid couple, and many, many couples have made it through this type of thing before. Don't give up!
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Old 01-18-2010, 02:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband had a one night stand

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he had no reason to betray me other than the fact that he had access to sex on a plate.
Men are absolutely biologically programmed to have sex in this situation. There is also social pressure to do so as well. The man that fails to follow through is going to be mercilessly mocked forever by his male friends unless he rolls with a hard core religious group. And I do mean mocked forever. Also you would likely be targeted by his friends for being hit on, because he'd have communicated that he wasn't really much of a man. See how that works?

Also would you really have any sexual attraction to a man that could turn down sex on a plate? Turning down free sex is a huge weakness signal to be honest. The whole crying thing after he did it and having to get drunk to tell you and months of guilt are also bad signs. He's also got his tail between his legs in the spare bedroom. Oy.

Honestly if I was him I'd just say "look I didn't go looking for it, but if it falls in my lap naked, realistically I'm just going to not help myself. I'm a sexy guy, this is who I am and this is also why you like me".

I dunno - just keep naked women from jumping in his lap. He seems like an okay guy, but perhaps a little too nice.
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Old 01-18-2010, 03:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband had a one night stand

I agree with Alexandra. He confessed and does seem very sorry. Yes, it took 10 months to tell you but you said you were pregnant at the time so he probably didn't want to tell you then in that condition for fear of something going wrong with you or the baby, etc. Makes sense. You said he's a great hubby and father so why would he risk either of you by upsetting you while you were pregnant? Also, it probably took him a while, and several beers, to get the couraged to face you and admit what a stupid thing he did and how he screwed up. He does sound like he is truly sorry. Good people make bad choices. It happens. You can dwell on it or move on.

As for how long to keep him at arm's length? That's up to you. Understand there is no "rule." I found out my H was having an A and guess how long he was kicked out of our bedroom..NEVER! But different people, different circumstances. In order for me to work on getting my marriage back, anger and pushing him further away wasn't the answer.

You say your H is your best friend - that's fantastic! Sit down with him and share everything you're feeling, communicate with him. Forgiveness doesn't mean you approve of what he did and neither does letting him back in your bedroom.

It's hard but you'll get through this. As cliche as it sounds, sometimes bad things have a way of bringing you even closer. Good Luck!
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Old 01-18-2010, 07:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband had a one night stand

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Men are absolutely biologically programmed to have sex in this situation. There is also social pressure to do so as well. The man that fails to follow through is going to be mercilessly mocked forever by his male friends unless he rolls with a hard core religious group. And I do mean mocked forever. Also you would likely be targeted by his friends for being hit on, because he'd have communicated that he wasn't really much of a man. See how that works?

Also would you really have any sexual attraction to a man that could turn down sex on a plate? Turning down free sex is a huge weakness signal to be honest. The whole crying thing after he did it and having to get drunk to tell you and months of guilt are also bad signs. He's also got his tail between his legs in the spare bedroom. Oy.


Honestly if I was him I'd just say "look I didn't go looking for it, but if it falls in my lap naked, realistically I'm just going to not help myself. I'm a sexy guy, this is who I am and this is also why you like me".

I dunno - just keep naked women from jumping in his lap. He seems like an okay guy, but perhaps a little too nice.






Not to be rude but I think that this is all total BS men are built to spread there seed??? HMMMMMM NOPE Thats like saying women sleep around to reproduce????
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Old 01-18-2010, 07:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Not to be rude but I think that this is all total BS men are built to spread there seed??? HMMMMMM NOPE Thats like saying women sleep around to reproduce????
That is exactly what I'm saying. You're pretty much ignoring biology completely if you disagree that that is a strong factor in human sexuality.

And yes women do have a long history of sneaking off to get better genes from partners other than their husband. It's called cuckholding.
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Old 01-20-2010, 08:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband had a one night stand

atholk. i can see what your getting at but that gives him no excuse. we married twice both in churches of god. He promised me his fidelity and betrayed that. Just because its in a mans raw nature doesnt mean he has to accept it. he should love me, our child and our marriage enough to say NO. My wifes offers me the sex i need and the love that goes with it. shove your naked body in someone elses lap who isnt marrried.

I dont know about other women but when i was single the first thing i looked at in a guy i liked was a wedding ring. that to me signaled a no go area. My H doesnt take his ring off ever, so i find it hard to believe this women didnt notice the wedding ring.

Thanks to everyone for your kinds words. Unfortunately i have to let him in the same bed with me sooner than i would have liked as we are traveling to my mothers home next week and my family dont know of our problems. They cant know, my mother and i both find it very hard to trust anyway. my mother was betrayed many times by my father which in turn gave me a horrible look on men.

Its strange how normal things are. we had to go to the store for food. its just odd, i feel like something drastic is going to happen. Does that make sense?

we have talked alot about it and he is being very patient giving me the space i need etc. and he lietens and answrs my questions even if i repeat my self. we are both looking forward to our vacation next week i think we need time away.
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Old 01-20-2010, 04:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband had a one night stand

cyp10,

Time away to reconnect is a great idea. My W cheated on me several years ago and I will never forget the pain and the feeling of betrayel. I know, I've been there; you can get past this but it is up to you and how much you are willing to let go. Forgiveness does not mean you forget. My W and I are doing great and our marriage is today much stronger than it was in the few years before her A; but that does not mean that I never have recurring thoughts about the ordeal. I will never forget but I have truly and open heartedly forgiven. I can live with that. If you still love him, and you want to keep and mend your marriage, pushing away for a long period of time will just delay your reconciliation with him. Don't despair on what you have been through, as another post on here mentioned, you are one of MANY that have had this happen to them.

I did want to make one comment on Atholk's remarks though. He does have some valid arguements in his post - there is a VERY strong biological/physiological drive in men (more in men because we are visual creatures) to mate with the a female. We do not require conversation, emotional attachment, etc. as women mostly do. If she did indeed throw herself naked at him in this private situation, I can vouch that there are not many men alive that would be able to turn down such a situation. He was just unfortunate enough (depends on how you look at it) to have had this thrown at him. I honestly can say that I don't know if I would have been able to turn her down - depending on the situation at hand. I hate to say that but it is a terrible situation to be in actually. More than likely, knowing me, I would have turned her down, especially with a pregnant wife but in all honesty, without being there and it happening to me, I can not say.

With all that aside, he has no excuse and what he did was wrong but the only way for you to move on with your marriage is to start to mend it; and you can not start to mend it if you are keeping him away from you. The getaway for you two that you are going to have can really turn out to be a huge step in the right direction for you and him. Making up also has its rewards; you will see. Good luck.
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Old 01-21-2010, 07:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband had a one night stand

this sounds daft but i just cant help but think that when do finally begin to have sex again that i wont help but think about him and this women. i am one of these ppl who ted to think sex is sex. but my husband assures me that it was sex with her and with me its love its completely different. i almost feel like i have to prove myself to him to make him see wat he nearly lost in that department.

he is remorseful and has repeatedly said that he hates sleeping in a diff bed to me.

p.s. girl was not naked. he assures me that they were kissing and she messed around with him (he didnt touch her in any way other than actual sex) and they had sex she still had her clothes on. im not sure this actually makes a difference. i can kind of understand the thought behind wat atholk is saying. i know that wen we are together all he needs is kiss and he is up for it. i suppose that some of me was hoping that this was due to how attracted he was to ME not sex.

this has knocked my self confidence a lot and dont seem to feel as attractive. baby weight doesnt help either. just wish there was a guarantee he wouldnt betray me again.
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Old 01-21-2010, 08:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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... but how long is a good time to keep him at arms length?
You only ask one question, so I will focus on that question.

I think what you really mean is two things:

1) Will punishing him with guilt and rejection make it more or less likely that he would do it again?

My answer: You and your husband both understand what happened. He needs to understand why he failed. Make him ponder his failure of character and his weakness. Keeping him at arms length will make him focus on you, on making you feel better. He needs to focus on him, and on what he did wrong. The mistake was not the sex. The mistake was the moment when his resolve as a husband failed, and he let another woman into his personal space. If he thinks about that moment, when things went wrong, he will not be surprised again. He will know what to do. You are keeping his attention on you. Bad move. Keep his attention on the moment when he failed. The moment when, unprepared and surprised by an unexpected event, he had no ready answer, and so he improvised and lost.

2) Will keeping him away make the pain better?

No. Forgiving will make you feel better. If you hold on to the anger, the pain will hold on to you.

No matter how I look at this, you are choosing pain for your self, and you are missing an opportunity to strengthen your husband's resolve. What gave him the guilt is that you trusted him, and he betrayed that trust. He is unlikely to ever do that again. You are forcing him to focus on your pain. Make him focus on his failure.

I think it is time to let go.

Good luck.

Last edited by AlexNY; 01-21-2010 at 08:31 AM.
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Old 01-21-2010, 09:18 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband had a one night stand

Try and think of it this way. If I walked up to you with a bag of money and asked for sex, how much money would I have to take out of the bag before you caved and agreed. $10... $100... $1000, $5,000, $25,000, $50,000, $120,000.... etc etc. At some point 99% of women are just going to cave and agree once their "screw the morals, I'm taking the money" price is met.

Men kind of react similar, but the "price" is proximity of female attention and aggression. We're simpily programmed to respond. Girl across the room smiling at you is like a $100 test, no problem and easily handled, half naked drunk girl pulling your clothes off sitting on top of you asking for sex is like a $120,000 test.

Personally it seems to me like he has a strong moral base, just he got himself in a situation where his price was met unexpecttedly.

We are all imperfect people. We all have weaknesses. Every man has his chinks in the armor in some aspect of his life. He seems very sorry and was willing to risk losing you loving him over not lying to you anymore. I know it seems odd, and I know it hurts, but this is really some progress that is being made here towards have an honest and deep relationship together. He's been living a lie between you for months now, he couldn't take that anymore. He wants you.

That being said...

You do have to make a move shortly to head towards resolving things. I'm not saying you have to pretend all is well and ignore it, but you both need to talk about the situation and start moving in the direction of repairing the damage. That may mean he cannot sleep apart from you, or if he does he has to check in with you by phone or something, maybe he can't drink without you present. What your particular triggers are, you guys will know better than me. Maybe counseling would be an idea as well.

You need to act fairly quickly in starting some sort of positive action, because right now he is starting to think telling you what happened was the worst mistake he ever made his whole life. And husbands, even husbands who screwed up badly and admit it, will not sleep on the couch forever without starting to lose love for the woman that put them there.
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Old 01-15-2012, 03:04 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband had a one night stand

There is no perfect Man or Woman.In life many a times Forgive & Forget is the way of life. What is done can not be reversed. If you hold , it will and is hurting to you only.

Remember be little selfish. Remove things from your mind which hurt you most. Just forget it. And live life as on routine.

Give your husband back the same place what you had given before he confessed. I am telling it from my experience.

Be magnanimous. That is a good girl you are. Do not torture your self or him. And never ever ever bring this topic again, other wise you will loose him emotionally permanently, because ego of man is very fragile.
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Old 01-15-2012, 04:22 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Men are absolutely biologically programmed to have sex in this situation.
You're out of your mind. There's all kinds of atavistic things we're "programmed" to do, but we don't do them because that's the social contract. You can be some 6-foot-4 beefed-up SOB, but if you punch a clock for the combine, and the combine is represented by some evil-tempered little paunchy guy, you don't pound him flat the way you might have done if you were both in cavemen times. You say yes-sir-how-high because these are modern times and we have conventions that set us apart from the savage, and consequences for breaking those conventions.

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That is exactly what I'm saying. You're pretty much ignoring biology completely if you disagree that that is a strong factor in human sexuality.

And yes women do have a long history of sneaking off to get better genes from partners other than their husband. It's called cuckholding.
One of the marvels of the modern age is that there is always some new loudmouth who uses Charles Darwin as justification for everything from marital infidelity to concentration camps, and he always seems to find some audience of dumb bunnies who will swallow it. What separates man from beast is the moral imperative, and those who turn their back on it, do so of their own free will. No excuses.

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I dont know about other women but when i was single the first thing i looked at in a guy i liked was a wedding ring. that to me signaled a no go area.
That is the moral imperative in action. Can't think of a better example.

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Try and think of it this way. If I walked up to you with a bag of money and asked for sex, how much money would I have to take out of the bag before you caved and agreed. $10... $100... $1000, $5,000, $25,000, $50,000, $120,000.... etc etc. At some point 99% of women are just going to cave and agree once their "screw the morals, I'm taking the money" price is met.
Do you sell this horsepucky for a living? The difference is that with a pile of money, there's something you might want to do with it. It doesn't end with the getting of it. Some people might identify with screwing for a million bucks, some people might be horrified by it, but it remains that the center is a goal that transcends the act that brought you there. A drunken screw begins and ends in that same useless place.

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That may mean he cannot sleep apart from you, or if he does he has to check in with you by phone or something, maybe he can't drink without you present.
That's the first sensible thing you've said. Maybe you should stick with that.

Cyp10: What you want to do is throw him out neat and tell him after all consideration, you currently feel like you married a space alien and just found out. Don't take him to your mother's, you don't want him around your family. Stop looking for explanations to whitewash his behavior. Get your own perspective as your own person and make your own move. The more power you have, the less those thoughts of him sticking it where it didn't belong will bother you.
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Old 01-15-2012, 04:30 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband had a one night stand

Hi Cyp10

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. About 5 weeks ago my husband confessed to me that he had visited a prostitute.

All I can say is that you should keep him at arms length for a while. I did for a month and asked my husband to move out. This may not be necessary in your case, as my marriage had other problems prior to this. Even if you are in the same bed again doesn't mean you have to have sex with him. Just wait until you are ready (if you ever are). I had to ask my husband to leave as having him around made me ill - just being reminded of what he had done every day was destroying me.

Your husband needs to know that this cannot be just brushed under the carpet (as bpsleo suggests above) - this is not good advice. You also need to be able to talk about it with him in the short term, as you need to be able to heal. Stuffing your emotions down for your husband's benefit will not help anyone.

My husband had the excuse that alcohol was to blame for his infidelity. I'm assuming that if your husband was on a football tour then drink was involved as well (especially as you say that he came back drunk the other day as well - he really needs to look at his drinking habits). Therefore, he needs to think about perhaps either giving up the drink, or the tours. My husband is moving back in with me today, with the hope of reconciliation. The only reason I am letting him move back in is because he says he will never drink alcohol again.

What your husband did was very serious, he could have put you and your unborn baby at risk for STD's etc, even with protection. So he needs to have a definite rethink about his behaviour.

I wish you the best of luck and sorry for the feelings you are going through. Talk to your friends and family that will help.

Best wishes

Jen

Last edited by jen1020; 01-15-2012 at 04:37 AM.
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Old 01-15-2012, 05:52 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Men are absolutely biologically programmed to have sex in this situation. There is also social pressure to do so as well. The man that fails to follow through is going to be mercilessly mocked forever by his male friends unless he rolls with a hard core religious group. And I do mean mocked forever. Also you would likely be targeted by his friends for being hit on, because he'd have communicated that he wasn't really much of a man. See how that works?

Also would you really have any sexual attraction to a man that could turn down sex on a plate? Turning down free sex is a huge weakness signal to be honest. The whole crying thing after he did it and having to get drunk to tell you and months of guilt are also bad signs. He's also got his tail between his legs in the spare bedroom. Oy.

Honestly if I was him I'd just say "look I didn't go looking for it, but if it falls in my lap naked, realistically I'm just going to not help myself. I'm a sexy guy, this is who I am and this is also why you like me".

I dunno - just keep naked women from jumping in his lap. He seems like an okay guy, but perhaps a little too nice.
So, let me see, You are saying that boys will be boys and that women really shouldn't expect a man to abide by marriage vows because his friends opinions are more important to him than his wife's. Have I got it about right? If my H said to me what you have suggested, I swear to you my friend, he would have been out the door so fast it would have given him whiplash.I don't like my H because he is a "sexy guy", I like him because he is ( or so I thought ) loyal and honest and devoted to us and our family. What is a "little too nice" about betraying your wife? Men are not phalluses with bodies attached, they are people who make agreements that they are expected to honor, except it seems when it is a marriage vow. When are men going to stop making stupid excused for their lousy behavior? A p***s is not a hall pass.
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