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post #136 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 09:54 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

You definitely need another lawyer. There's absolutely no reason he shouldn't file the divorce and request an injunction to prevent her taking the kids at the same time.

The lawyer you have doesn't have your best interests in mind, he's just looking to do it the easiest way possible. He wants you to pay him to fill out the forms, nothing more.

Get someone that will fight for you.


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post #137 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 09:59 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
I really appreciate what your saying, I do. I understand your advise. If I was 100% certain the OM would stay with the OMW, I'd nuke them right now. I'm not trying to save this marriage. Any person who would do this someone is the lowest form of scum in my book. I would NEVER trust her again.

And it's not like I can read this guys mind. As unlikely as it is, maybe he will just leave her in which case exposure will just have sped up the inevitable and burn any leverage I have. Further, now that the wife is pissed off because I have shattered the fantasy, what stops her from getting revenge and using the child custody as a tool to do so?

Nuking is always on the table. Leverage isn't.


Yeah, I've read that before. Too bad Carlton nuked his thread.

He got quite annoying in how he had this magical wonderful leverage...how he just needed to drop his evidence and wifey would be bent over the barrel and have to take it.

Didn't work for him either.

One of the continuous posters on his thread, Chump Lady, had a husband. All he did was divorce law. She said the best leverage you can do is set up an appointment to depose POS and wifey. Maybe pick out a few more co-workers too.

Don't even NEED to depose. Suddenly, the wet stinky towel of reality will smack them in the face. In one simple move, she is aware she can lose her husband, her reputation, AND her career. She does NOT want to go on record. HE does not want to go on record, and HE will be pressuring her to get you to shut the hell up by doing anything possible to make you happy and go away.

THAT is leverage.
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post #138 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 10:06 AM
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Yeah, I've read that before. Too bad Carlton nuked his thread.

He got quite annoying in how he had this magical wonderful leverage...how he just needed to drop his evidence and wifey would be bent over the barrel and have to take it.

Didn't work for him either.

One of the continuous posters on his thread, Chump Lady, had a husband. All he did was divorce law. She said the best leverage you can do is set up an appointment to depose POS and wifey. Maybe pick out a few more co-workers too.

Don't even NEED to depose. Suddenly, the wet stinky towel of reality will smack them in the face. In one simple move, she is aware she can lose her husband, her reputation, AND her career. She does NOT want to go on record. HE does not want to go on record, and HE will be pressuring her to get you to shut the hell up by doing anything possible to make you happy and go away.

THAT is leverage.
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post #139 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 10:10 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

BD, You without a doubt need fresh legal opinions. What your lawyer is telling you sounds to me like advice from some dude in a bar who is a bit out out of touch and speaks in generalities from things he read in a tabloid in the 1980's. The idea that your wife can just walk away with the kids and there is not a damn thing you can do about it is quite frankly a crock of BS. Injunctions are filed every day to stop just that and they work. In divorce the judge will decide what is in the best interests of the KIDS, not your wife.

Please do some research in your area and find out who are the top divorce attorneys. Then get a consultation from all of them. Most will be free Some may cost you but do it. Once you get a free consultation they will be barred from representing your wife. Then file for divorce with a injunction stating she cannot move from the area until custody has settled.
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post #140 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 10:12 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

I am a little confused. You say your fear is that if you expose, he will dump his wife and take up with yours. If you divorce her, and you state you are, then that decision of what happens in her life afterwards isn't your business anymore.

And if she is in a rush to be with him, she will WANT to make the divorce as fast as possible.

Your reasoning seems a bit contradictory or I don't understand it.
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post #141 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 10:14 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

Some states are no fault divorce states. Many are fault/ no fault and some are really harsh on cheaters. What state do you live in.

You can get a lot of info and links at dadsdivorce.com.

If you expose, be prepared for your wife to come crawling back wanting to reconcile. This happens a lot.
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post #142 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 10:40 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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You need a new lawyer. There hasn't been one case here that I remember where a spouse was even allowed to leave the counyty withthe kids. File now, you are just shooting yourself in the foot being coy, waiting, accepting the situation.
The lawyer in me (not a divorce lawyer) agrees. Taking the kids out of the home is one thing, but taking them out of state is a big no no. On another website, a Illinois divorce lawyer went over child custody issues. According to him, the two worst possible things any estranged parent can do pre divorce to insure the other parent get custody is (1) make it difficult for the other parent to see the kids and (2) denigrate the other parent.

WWHT
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post #143 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 10:43 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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One of the continuous posters on his thread, Chump Lady, had a husband. All he did was divorce law. She said the best leverage you can do is set up an appointment to depose POS and wifey. Maybe pick out a few more co-workers too.
A friend of mine was going through a battle royale in his divorce. He caved the minute his ex-wife filed notices to depose his close friends.

WWHT
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post #144 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 10:43 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Originally Posted by JCD View Post
Yeah, I've read that before. Too bad Carlton nuked his thread.

He got quite annoying in how he had this magical wonderful leverage...how he just needed to drop his evidence and wifey would be bent over the barrel and have to take it.

Didn't work for him either.
Ya reading Carlton's situation it went from to too quick. He had ALOT of evidence. Voice recordings of her verbally abusing him, the kids, and outright admitting that she would file false abuse allegations against him, he wrote down how much time she spent at home or with the kids which was minimal whenever she was actually at the house. I think he even had a babysitter who was willing to go to court and say his wife was irresponsible and at one time had even lost the kids for an hour. And he had even more evidence on top of all of that I believe.

Then in the end he just decided to not use any of it, not tell his wife or her lawyer that he had all this evidence because he thought it would benefit him in the settlement to try to play nice. And he was still getting screwed even though he seemed unwilling to admit or realize it. I also think his lawyer sucked on top of that.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #145 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 11:20 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Ya reading Carlton's situation it went from to too quick. He had ALOT of evidence. Voice recordings of her verbally abusing him, the kids, and outright admitting that she would file false abuse allegations against him, he wrote down how much time she spent at home or with the kids which was minimal whenever she was actually at the house. I think he even had a babysitter who was willing to go to court and say his wife was irresponsible and at one time had even lost the kids for an hour. And he had even more evidence on top of all of that I believe.

Then in the end he just decided to not use any of it, not tell his wife or her lawyer that he had all this evidence because he thought it would benefit him in the settlement to try to play nice. And he was still getting screwed even though he seemed unwilling to admit or realize it. I also think his lawyer sucked on top of that.
Well...he had this HIGHLY recommended lawyer who charged $400 an hour. He instead went with the one who charged a buck twenty five.

Sometimes you get what you pay for.

And to give him credit, Carlton finally woke up and told all and sundry that he was a dumbass for not exposing early and hard. He felt emotionally cheated and abused by this whole thing.

Now...I think if he exposed, he'd have regrets too, but that's the point...there are few good choices here so it very much comes down to 'gut'.

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post #146 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 11:41 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

BD, there is a lot of advice here that reflects different trends.

1) the general TAM hard line (expose and seek moral satisfaction). This is often ignored by the BS because of weakness. In such cases, the BS pays an even higher price to resolve the collapsed marriage. However, you are not vacillating over reconciliation of lost love. So, you do not fit the paralyzed BS paradigm.

2) There are several posts that urge exploitation of the WW's delusional believe in the affair's future. The may work but only if the OM keeps the affair alive. There is no guarantee that this will happen. Once you file for divorce, the OM may dump her and she may try to renegotiate long before it becomes final.

There is no foolproof approach.

That said there seems no reason to seek a confession during MC if that is for psychological satisfaction. Will it make her pliant in divorce negotiations?

re: your lawyer
Sounds like a wuss who doesn't know the law that well.

re: Eric
I PM'd Eric and asked him to update his thread. It would be interesting to know how it worked out.

re: OMW
Doesn't she need to know? This is moral dilemma. You are seeking to maximize your outcome but denying her the same opportunity. Note she is very vulnerable.

re: HR
Your wife might be able to file a suit against her employer for sexual harassment. Depends on how brassy she is. Her boss ought to get fired but she is not a certain victim.

Life is not simple. The simple approaches sometimes work great. But you need to judge your chances.

Last edited by LongWalk; 08-10-2013 at 12:22 PM.
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post #147 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 11:42 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Y
Then in the end he just decided to not use any of it, not tell his wife or her lawyer that he had all this evidence because he thought it would benefit him in the settlement to try to play nice. And he was still getting screwed even though he seemed unwilling to admit or realize it. I also think his lawyer sucked on top of that.
Playing nice is different than playing strategically. NICE is stupid. Nice will get you walked all over. Stbxw's lawyer won't be Nice.

However, if, and it is an IF, stbxw fears exposure it can be used as leverage. But it must be done with strength. I don't call it blackmail because the OP has a right to a fair settlement and equal time with the kids. But the mentality is along the lines of blackmail, or a hardball negotiation. OP pushes for what he wants and he offers her something she wants in return. In this case what she may want is her fantasy, and if it is not exposed she may continue to delude herself the fantasy can happen.

For me, I would expect this strategy to be useful if she will give a quick fair settlement. If she is going to drag it out and fight for every last thing, there is no benefit to holding back the exposure. The judge will order a fair split of assets and joint custody (if the case supports it).

Sun Tzu would say to find a way to win before the battle begins, and better yet not have the battle. But if the battle happens he would say to crush the enemy.
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post #148 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 11:46 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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I
My other concern is she will deny until I prove to her I know. I don't want to tell her how I found out but hopefully if I throw her a few crumbles, and mention a few details that I couldn't possibly know otherwise, she'll cave and confess.

I'm not walking out of the MC without a confession...
Ok, I totally understand the emotional reasoning behind this. But can you explain why it is important at this time to get a confession from her?

I lost track of it in this thread how you know for 100% sure she is cheating with him. Anyhow, if you know already, you know already. There is nothing to be gained in the way of certainty.
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post #149 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 01:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Ok, I totally understand the emotional reasoning behind this. But can you explain why it is important at this time to get a confession from her?
Because if I don't get her to admit it then the leverage is useless. She will just think I'm bluffing by saying I know and think that I have no proof to go to the OMW with...

The evidence I have is airtight. The trick is to give her just enough without giving away where I got it.
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post #150 of 1161 (permalink) Old 08-10-2013, 01:33 PM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

You need to get a better lawyer. I recommend a woman lawyer. They are better at divorce cases than male lawyers. The lady who handled my recent divorce did a smash up job and took care of me when my ex-wife's male lawyer was trying to gouge me for alimony. Your lawyer sounds like he's just out for a paycheck. Fire his sorry azz.
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