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post #76 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-08-2013, 11:05 PM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
I looked into this and I appear to live in a state that requires both parties consent. So any recording I make would be inadmissible anyway (and I don't want any legal troubles.)
What I'm talking about is for your ears only. What I mean is your old lady is not right and she is not the same women you married.
You may need the VAR jsut to replay it to your self cuz what she just said may be so unblievable that you just might need to play it back....cuz in the end she will manipulat your and screw with your head that it will get to a point were you might actually believ what she says later/in the future verus what she tells you now.

Trust me in time the story will change and the deniel will grow when sh!t heads south.

Again the VAR is your personal tool...everyone knows it don't mean a thing to any one else...much less the courts.

But then again when she hits her self and calls the cops and has you removed from the marital home ...you will be damn glad you had it!

Just saying this is about you and protecting your self..hopefully the only one that ever hears it will only be you.


Even if you never have to use the VAR in a false DV claim.. at least you will have it when you start to get messed with and you ask your self..."did she realy say that"....

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post #77 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-08-2013, 11:17 PM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Originally Posted by GTdad View Post
If you're aiming for a quick, successful (however you define it) divorce, take advantage of the "Mister Wonderful" effect. While she's in lala land with the POSOM, planning their future and picking out curtains and maybe, just maybe, feeling a little guilt about you, push the divorce through like a greased rocket sled. Hope their relationship lasts long enough for the divorce to become final.
Haven't read all the responses, but this one is spot on. Use her fantasy of being with the OM to your advantage. Once her affair fails and she has to come backmtomreality, she won't be too happy. Take a guess who she will focus that discontent on?

Move this thing along as quickly as possible. Expose him to his wife after the divorce is final. A good friend of mine went through something similar last year. When his wife gave him trouble about anything in the divorce, he threatened to expose the OM to the hospital (OM is a doctor) and his wife would immediately concede to protect the man she thought she was gong to end up with. The divorce went through smoothly, quickly and without lawyers. Naturally, the OM lost interest in her once she actually became available. She then exposed the Dr. to his wife and hilarity ensued.
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post #78 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 01:16 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Originally Posted by RClawson View Post
[/B]

This is about the biggest crock of dung that there is. When I read on this site about men who are being cheated on and they are frozen in fear because they do not want to get the short end of the custody stick it makes me want to scream with a bull horn from the Empire State Building observation deck.

Ask my two girls who the more nurturing parent is and I guarantee they will not even blink before they say it is me. This is a double standard that feminism seems to overlook. One of many.

OP keep your head and wait for the revenge after the deal is in place. Then you can turn into a giant douche canoe.
It is a crock but it's also essentially what my lawyer told me when I investigated. She could legally take my kids anywhere and I couldn't stop her without a court order specifically preventing her from doing that. My wife was threatening to move the kids to Texas to live with her mother. Now, I don't think it would be difficult to get that court order but if she took the kids before I got the order then chances are good that I would be SOL. I would have to appeal to the other state to get my kids back but that is unlikely and I would have to pick up everything and move and then work things out.
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post #79 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 06:55 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

I wouldn't blow him up to his wife just yet..

I would tell your wife you know, but that you don't care and that your looking to get this divorce done ASAP..

You know your wife, I don't.. But if you fear she will go nuclear, I'm also a bit concerned of what makes you think she will not fight for everything anyways ?

Divorce is a business transaction. You will both have joint custody unless one of you can prove the other is deficient.

As you already mentioned an having an affair means sh1t.. Unless you can prove the affair took over her life to a point that she neglected the kids.

All I can say about lawyers is I deal with them every day and my friend ( a lawyer ) referred me to my current attorney. His statement was this is the guy I would use if I was getting divorced. Nonetheless if I went his route I would have been broke.

I pretty much negotiated my whole settlement. My STBXW walked away with 55k and 700 a month in child support for 1 child. I kept my pension, plus other retirement funds and the house. The big thing she walks away from was the debt/mortgage. But I have over 700k in equity on the home.

If anything I would let her know you won't blow up the other man up to his wife that just had a baby if she doesn't fvck with you during the divorce.. Otherwise all bets are off and YOU will go NUCLEAR.. Tell her you will plaster his home and neighbors home with flyers.

My wife hinted once only for a second that she was gonna rake me over the coals. I shut her down so fvcking fast she didn't say boo afterwards..

Nutshell today for me my oldest 13 year old is with me 7 days a week. His mother doesn't even speak to him or see him. Why ? Simply out of shame, straight and simple.

My 8 year old is with his mother 2 days a week. Monday and Tuesday. Now this is the son that was suppose to be with her and I am paying child support for. But he does not want to live their with her, so he stays with me.

Even though I got away with divorce lottery I am no fool and looking to poke the tiger. I am waiting for the divorce to be finalized and then I will address the child support issue. This way if she wants to fight it at least she cannot fight me for anything else. Well she can but it will be impossible for her to get anything.

End result my plan is to offer her 200 a month and then I will offer her 10k for full custody. Which is my ultimate goal. If she is nuts to give me full custody it is all over.

But I tell you I expected to be raked over the coals 8 months ago. You never know how life and this stuff will turn out. I never, never expected my kids to ever be with me. They were so much with their mom. But fortunately she played out her whole affair in front of my kids and it turned my oldest against her. My Ex not having any coping skills just does what she knows how to do. She shuts down and puts her head in the sand hoping it will all go away. The other man is happy because lets be honest he doesn't want my kids.. He just wants her which is fine by me.

So my point is don't show that your weak. Let her know you can be fair but one wrong move and bam the flood gates of hate open up.


But here is another side..

Do you really want the divorce ? I mean it seems you guys weren't happy way before this from what your posting.

If you guys disconnected long ago can you blame her for having an affair ? I am not siding with her. But when I read a post like this you either have brass balls and are very emotionally strong or you honestly have lost your love for her long before this. This is just your excuse to divorce her now and walk away clean not being the bad guy.


Again I'm just reading your going to MC and that guys are like room mates. I don't know if its because of the affair you started MC a while ago and just didn't know about the affair or was the MC for other reasons and this is just another issue separate and apart from the other problems in your marriage.

Usually when someone finds out about the affair they are bit more devastated and emotional about it. You seem like well I don't loose my money how do I protect my finances. I went this route as well but it wasn't until later on when I knew I couldn't get my wife back.

But until then I was crying mess.

I guess my point is to please make sure this is what you want. Trust me it isn't easy.. My wife screwed me over and ripped me apart. But she wasn't all evil, she wasn't all bad. She made a big mistake. She didn't know how to express what was going on inside her. Granted she is a big girl and should have known better. But in the end people do make mistakes. That is what makes us human.

At this point I know there is no turning back for me. I can't wait around wondering if my ex will ever come to her senses and look to fix herself for herself and or her family and kids. I had to begrudgingly move on with my life without her. For me there is not turning back. There is no wait I finally fixed myself 2 years later and want back in. For me I tried everything to fix my marriage. I would have eaten her crap off the floor and cut off my right arm to fix my marriage. But when I had to face the reality it was over, then and only then did I put my game face on and went into FU mode..

My wife was foolish in the sense all she had to do was be nice and understanding and I would have crumbled. But she couldn't get out of her own way fast enough. Even me telling her the answers, she didn't get it or didn't care.

Just take a minute or two and make sure this is where you want to be at before you cut loose.

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Last edited by Hardtohandle; 08-09-2013 at 07:21 AM.
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post #80 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 07:16 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

I would use her fog against her. Use the threat of exposure as leverage. Consult your lawyer on this part.

OH AND BACK UP YOUR EVIDENCE OFFSITE AND IN AT LEAST TWO PLACES!!!!

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post #81 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 07:35 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Originally Posted by toonaive View Post
This is exactly what my AxW is doing to me now. She started off all nice and amicable. 19 months later both she and her attorney are scratching for money. Now she wants more than she equitably deserves. I have taken precautions with my business, and thankfully in SC I can use Adultery as my final trump card! Ive got years of evidence and PI reports. Cant wait to see her face if I have to use it all.
Not to sound harsh, but why is this an "if". Sorry but in CT, the land of the sunshines and butterflies where noone can harm each other and if one spouse works 13 hours a day 6 days a week to support his family while the other stays home and bangs another guy for half the length of the marriage, and it means NOTHING....If I had the opportunity for a better settlement against my ex, I would've taken every opportunity for it. Not to be mean but because she used me for the whole marriage and frankly I shouldn't be paying her a dime after it's done. Her free ride should be over.

The more posts I read.
The more I love my wife!
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post #82 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 07:40 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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This gets argued here every month or two. So far not one man has come to the conclusion waiting to expose was worth or worked at all. Up to now the betrayed spouse that doesn't jump on the affair partners with both feet, just seem to deflate and slink away sooner than later.

On the flip side, I can't remember any one being sorry they exposed. As a matter of fact, exposure seems to under cut the affair partners and takes the pompous wind out of their sails as everyone looks at them as they really are.

What many are recommending is that you don't stand up for yourself or your family but cant give any example of that working.

Its the equivalent of just handing over your wife to the om's harem and patting him on the back.

Go big or go home.
But that's because 90% of the time, the argument centers around a person trying to save their marriage, and in that case it's critical to exposure early and hard.

If you're 100% set that you're going to divorce, exposure is just another weapon in your arsenal and should be used at the most opportune time. It serves ZERO benefit to expose early. The Go Big or Go Home. Statement is irrelevant in this situation because you can GO BIG after the divorce is finalized. You can also use exposure as a bargaining chip DURING the divorce.

What you're suggesting is the same as a person in chess ALWAYS trying to checkmate using the "Scholar's Mate" (4 moves). It just doesn't work in every situation.

If the OP is REMOTELY considering R...then expose now. If D is 100%, expose when it's the most opportune.

The more posts I read.
The more I love my wife!
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post #83 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 07:59 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Originally Posted by Dad&Hubby View Post
But that's because 90% of the time, the argument centers around a person trying to save their marriage, and in that case it's critical to exposure early and hard.

If you're 100% set that you're going to divorce, exposure is just another weapon in your arsenal and should be used at the most opportune time. It serves ZERO benefit to expose early. The Go Big or Go Home. Statement is irrelevant in this situation because you can GO BIG after the divorce is finalized. You can also use exposure as a bargaining chip DURING the divorce.

What you're suggesting is the same as a person in chess ALWAYS trying to checkmate using the "Scholar's Mate" (4 moves). It just doesn't work in every situation.

If the OP is REMOTELY considering R...then expose now. If D is 100%, expose when it's the most opportune.
What you say seems to be very true. What I have actually seen here, hoever, is that the guys that follow the play nice till the divorce is over, end up looking/sounding like whipped dogs slinking away.

Maybe that's what inevitably follows for the type of person that chooses not to make waves in the beginning and this is just a natural result of a particular personality type. Maybe a guy that breathes hell fire in the first place would not be in that position in the first place.

It all just seems so weak and beta to me to the point of being incomprehensible. I know I am probably wrong but when I found out my wife was cheating with her boss, the first thing I would do is rearrange his face and THEN file for divorce. Adultery, before it became an epidemic, used to be dangerous.


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post #84 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 08:00 AM
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Best way to divorce my wife...

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Originally Posted by Will_Kane View Post
When there is infidelity, it seems like most of the time it gets nasty anyway, even if the betrayed tries to keep it civil and doesn't expose. It has a way of blowing up.

Cheater doesn't want divorce, she wants you and him. She doesn't want to be known as a cheater, so as soon as she knows that you know, she may start demonizing you to all others to justify her cheating. She may already be doing so to justify it to herself or as a preparation for divorcing you. Hard to stay civil under those circumstances.

If you want to keep it civil, don't tell her you know she's cheating. Just tell her you want out, it's not working out for you, you just grew apart, you're going in different directions, you no longer have anything in common, there's no spark between you anymore, you don't feel a "love connection" like you used to, you haven't been happy for a long time, you feel like only roommates, you just don't feel any passion anymore, you think that you both would be better off apart, you can always remain friends and co-parent the kids, and you've decided to seek divorce. You can still out her to other man's wife anonymously as a work colleague so your wife won't know it was you. You can tell her you knew about the cheating AFTER the divorce is finalized, at which time you can tell her how bad you played her to get a favorable settlement if you want to.
Agreed.

In my case, I exposed pre filing for divorce and it had blowback in terms of my ex painting me to her family as a crazed jilted husband who couldn't move on, they circled the wagons and now have very little interaction with my son.

Doing it all over I would have changed the order to this:

- Document and evidence gather
- File
- Divorce

Not expose or put OM on cheaterville

I would have done the above during the peak if her EA where she would be most agreeable and fast tracked the divorce.

My ex was checked out long ago and the push for exposure and cheaterville wasn't necessary; in hindsight I would have gone overboard alpha. There are times now the urging to expose and cheaterville seemed more to entertain TAM lurkers than to serve a positive purpose.

You can always R after divorce.

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post #85 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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I mean it seems you guys weren't happy way before this from what your posting.

If you guys disconnected long ago can you blame her for having an affair?
Yes, I do blame her. We were never the same after her first EA 6 years ago. So no, the marriage was far from perfect but maybe if she put half the effort into fixing it as she does now sneaking around behind my back then maybe I would not have to divorce her.

If she was SO unhappy with me why didn't she just do the honorable thing and leave me? Then she could have f***ed whomever she wanted and I could of cared less. Instead for the last six months she has been betraying our vows, lying to my face and making me feel guilty for even questioning her.

I didn't force her to become a cheating $lut. She did that all by herself. All I'm trying to do is get away from this disgusting person as cleanly as possible.

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post #86 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 10:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Use her fantasy of being with the OM to your advantage. Once her affair fails and she has to come backmtomreality, she won't be too happy. Take a guess who she will focus that discontent on?
My only hope is that there really is karma in this world and the OM will drop her like a hot potato once the fantasy is over. Sooner or later hotel rooms and f***ing in the parking lot after work is going to get old and then reality will set in. She's banging him to satisfy his needs and he's telling her all this lovey dovey garbage to give her the attention she's looking for.

It's so pathetic....
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post #87 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 10:15 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Yes, I do blame her. We were never the same after her first EA 6 years ago. So no, the marriage was far from perfect but maybe if she put half the effort into fixing it as she does now sneaking around behind my back then maybe I would not have to divorce her.

If she was SO unhappy with me why didn't she just do the honorable thing and leave me? Then she could have f***ed whomever she wanted and I could of cared less. Instead for the last six months she has been betraying our vows, lying to my face and making me feel guilty for even questioning her.

I didn't force her to become a cheating $lut. She did that all by herself. All I'm trying to do is get away from this disgusting person as cleanly as possible.
You are in my opinion doing the right thing making the best of a bad situation kind of sad. The morning of the day she will be served explain to her family and yours why you are unfortunately doing this and how this was the last resort. So she had an ea before and you gave her a second chance. Sometime down the road she is really going to regret this.
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post #88 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 10:24 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

BD, it's guys like you that keeps me from sticking around longer.

CLUE !!! your kids are gong to have problems in LIFE no matter if they have a stable home.

That's just life.

YOU are the classic nice guy worrier.
Dude, just stop trying to control every lil dot an comma.

In other words, blow !!!
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post #89 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 10:32 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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My only hope is that there really is karma in this world and the OM will drop her like a hot potato once the fantasy is over. Sooner or later hotel rooms and f***ing in the parking lot after work is going to get old and then reality will set in. She's banging him to satisfy his needs and he's telling her all this lovey dovey garbage to give her the attention she's looking for.

It's so pathetic....
You've got a pretty good chance. Many times, the OM loses interest once the woman becomes available. He probably wants to stay married, so when your wife becomes free and wants to advance the relationship he'll run like a thoroughbed. Or, he'll leave his wife, they'll shack up and one will end up cheating on the other once the excitement wears off. People with little integrity and poor character are usually the architects of their own downfall.
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post #90 of 1162 (permalink) Old 08-09-2013, 10:46 AM
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Re: Best way to divorce my wife...

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Originally Posted by zookeeper View Post
Haven't read all the responses, but this one is spot on. Use her fantasy of being with the OM to your advantage. Once her affair fails and she has to come backmtomreality, she won't be too happy. Take a guess who she will focus that discontent on?

Move this thing along as quickly as possible. Expose him to his wife after the divorce is final. A good friend of mine went through something similar last year. When his wife gave him trouble about anything in the divorce, he threatened to expose the OM to the hospital (OM is a doctor) and his wife would immediately concede to protect the man she thought she was gong to end up with. The divorce went through smoothly, quickly and without lawyers. Naturally, the OM lost interest in her once she actually became available. She then exposed the Dr. to his wife and hilarity ensued.
Exactly. I'm not anti-exposure at all, but I do think it's a highly-valuable card that needs to be played smartly, particularly, as others have pointed out, as leverage to get a better deal.

And that's what we're talking about here: a business deal, probably the most important deal you'll ever make in your life. It should be approached with all the calm, canny, and yeah, cunning, that a deal of this magnitude deserves.
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