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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

View Poll Results: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?
Yes, it's the healthy way to handle it. 36 51.43%
No, they're better off not knowing. 15 21.43%
Depends on the severity, length or other factors involved in the A. 19 27.14%
Voters: 70. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 06-08-2010, 11:58 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhGeesh View Post
I just told you didn't I? My life is freaking great!!

Date night, open, know each of our past lovers, have plans, share in each others dreams, sacrifice, raise kids, vacations, fun in the bedroom, hence I LOVE MY MARRIAGE!!

So, like I said, if she went on a trip and had a one night stand and still acted 95% the same. I DON'T WANT TO FREAKING KNOW!!

Understand or NO? My marriage, my choice, I don't want to know.
"...open, know each of our past lovers..." If she hasn't told you about one night stand(s) then these are not valid. Not to mention needing to both be checked for STDs and your neighbor telling his buddies about when he had your wifes feet behind her neck. Other than that the marraige is perfect.
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Old 06-17-2010, 10:13 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

This is not tough at all

NO you shouldn't tell

Why? because telling your partner is only alleviating your own guilt and burden

now what do they have to look forward to?

1 everytime you leave their vicinity, maybe you are cheating
2 everytime an attractive member of the opposite sex walks by, maybe they are considering cheating
3 that the marriage once pure and innocent is tainted and it can never recover its absolute innoncence ever again
4 that for whatever reason they aren't good enough


so please please please if it is a one night stand do the right thing, keep it to yourself and bear the burden

on the other hand if it happens more than once.........perhaps you shouldn't be married?!?
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Old 06-18-2010, 12:52 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Some interesting replies.

I particularly admire OhGeesh for being so determined he wouldnt want to know.

In this day + age with the internet, both my hubby + I chat to others of the opposite sex. We used to do it openly in front of each other, until it became a huge issue. Now we keep it discrete. So that neither of us knows what each other is doing on the computer. I, for one, dislike the fact that he's sitting in the corner on the laptop probably flirting and chatting with another woman, whilst I am sat a few feet away watching TV

I have suspected he may have met at least one woman for coffee. I think I could handle that kind of "confession!" I think it would change the course of our TWENTY year marriage to find out if he had had a full blown affair, or had sex with others.

I believe if I had that sort of confession to make (that's I may have had an affair/sex with others) I believe he would NOT want to know either.

There is something to be said about ignorance being bliss. We have a generally happy family life (with two teenagers) quite well off financially and go on some wonderful holidays. It's the kind of lifestyle we have grown to love and enjoy.

There ARE secrets between us, and I dont like it at all, but I have to balance out the rest of our life together and ignore those secrets.

Not ideal for a marriage really but it seems to work for us.
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Old 06-18-2010, 01:15 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

the truth usually wins out in the end as best 4 everyone.

yes, it has its price. but it should bring out realities in marr'd life, not support illusions.
yes, i can identify w/ those who wish to live a happy/charmed life. but F-4/F-5's r inevitable sometime in yer life(tornadoes 4 those outside USA) and if yer life is based on the sand of superficialities vs the rock of reality well,........
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Old 06-19-2010, 05:57 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Honesty and transparency (and love) is what heals marriages.

Best,

Lyn
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Old 07-17-2010, 11:41 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

going through the same thing wife insists that Nothing happened but the pain that you go through is unbelievable the hurt feeling for not knowing which way to go almost feel as though i should not have known so i can understand
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Old 07-17-2010, 01:57 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Gosh that depends. If it was a drunken one night stand and there really is no way your spouse could possibly find out. You don't know that person, they don't know you, you never see them again. It was a mistake, you feel like an ass but you've learned from it and it will never happen again, do NOT tell me. I wouldn't want to know. I really wouldn't. However, on the flip side, if there is the slightest chance I could find out anytime down the road such as if the OW knows me or communicates with me or friends of mine, I would much rather know from you then her. Trust me, I know this to be true because I found out about my husband's one night stand from the OW. He never would of told me. I wish she hadn't either because the one night stand happened when he was drunk and we were at the lowest point of our marriage considering divorce. I wasn't happy and neither was he. But things were getting better for us until the OW decided to spill her guts to me 5 months after the one night stand. Now our marriage is worse than it ever was because I feel completely disillusioned. I don't know what my vows mean anymore now that my H has broken them. When I found out, he confessed also to kissing two other women besides this OW during our five year marriage. I was much happier before I knew all this. What good did it really do. I'm still with him. Only now I'm depressed, anxious, self conscious, and scared out of my mind that it's going to happen again or I'm going to find something new out that happened maybe 2 years ago.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:51 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by manchild View Post
This is not tough at all

NO you shouldn't tell

Why? because telling your partner is only alleviating your own guilt and burden

now what do they have to look forward to?

1 everytime you leave their vicinity, maybe you are cheating
2 everytime an attractive member of the opposite sex walks by, maybe they are considering cheating
3 that the marriage once pure and innocent is tainted and it can never recover its absolute innoncence ever again
4 that for whatever reason they aren't good enough so please please please if it is a one night stand do the right thing, keep it to yourself and bear the burden
on the other hand if it happens more than once.........perhaps you shouldn't be married?!?
Well, I agree with this assessment. I am dealing with this and to tell you, it gives you one hell of head job.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:57 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Whether it be a one night stand or an affair that lasts awhile; I would not want to know. What I don't know, doesn't hurt me, let me live in peace. Even with saying that, cheating is something I have always felt it is something I could forgive. If the person wants to be forgiven, wants to stay with me, and I want the same thing, then okay.
At the same time, if it were me the one doing the cheating, I would do everything in my power to keep it a secret and keep the wife from finding out. It is bad enough that the act was done, they don't need the pain of knowing about it.
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Old 12-24-2010, 12:08 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Gbrad, my situation is complicated and I am having trouble trying to move on. So many things has happened that just complicated the matter and kinda snowballed into this one huge mess.
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Old 12-24-2010, 09:20 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexandra View Post
Some posters on here have expressed that they wish they had never known about the A. What do you think? Should you confess it? How long afterwards is too long?

What is the best way to confess it? What's the best way to respond?

Tell me your opinions, experiences, scenarios, etc. Have at it.
Years ago before marriage while me and the missus were still just bf/gf I had a one-night-stand in a party after the ridicolous disagreements and fights I had with her. I was incredibly drunk and to be honest I can't really remember much...

Ne ways, I've regretted it the next morning but too late - another girl who liked me at the party felt the NEED to get involved and tell the missus, I lied to her... but too bad, enough witnesses, and I had to confess. That destroyed our trust - and to this day has not even been fully repaired.

It was also a real challenge winning her back two years later, she is one of those "I'm this and that, so I deserve this and that" type of women. But one thing led to another, yet even then we only ended up physically involved our second time through. Until the baby bells rang... and... yeah, all hell broke loose.

We have always loved each other but this particular incident which shouldn't have happened and would NEVER ever happen again (I also can't drink anymore since I now have pancreatitis from excessive drinking) still haunts us. Looking back, it would have been better not for her to know.

It's enough that I have to put up with the guilt of what I did, she doesn't deserve to have to suffer it too, but she's been suffering it for years. Sometimes it's best not to know - ignorance is bliss yes? As long as it doesn't EVER happen again.
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Old 12-24-2010, 10:05 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

I still don't know if there was anyone else since I've been lied to to my face for the last 13 years. And yeah, it is hard to over come when he infected me with something.
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Old 12-25-2010, 07:12 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

I have been reading that people would want to be told, but the question is would you tell. I am ashamed of what i did to my husband and all of the guilt that came along with knowing that i cheated even if we were seperated. A part of me did not want to tell him. The truth of the matter is no matter how many times i denied cheating on him when i finally came clean it was like a million pounds lifted off my shoulders. Yes my life would have been a hell of a lot easier if i would have kept it to myself, but my husband deserves to know. I had a lapse of judgement and i hurt the one man in the world i love the most.....i just had to tell him. Just keep in mind sometimes it gets rough and sometimes its like old times, but u may think it will never be the same. I have hope that one day it will be back to normal and what i did will be a distant memory.
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Old 08-17-2011, 09:34 AM   #29 (permalink)
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I have very mixed emotions on this. My H and I had a pool party at our house in which we all were very drunk just a couple of months ago. We have/had some very close friends, whom I later found out were swingers, that have shared in some major events our our lives, i.e. daughters wedding out of the country, etc. On this night, I found my H and the OW in my bathroom. She was naked and he was sitting on the toilet. He stated he "went there" but could not complete the act due to realizing what he was doing. Needless to say, it got very ugly, and he has been beating himself up with shame ever since. I haven't decided if I want to continue with this marriage or not. I have good days and then something will trigger and the images will re-appear and I set-back for days. The biggest thing that makes me want to "not" work it out, is that I asked him if I wouldn't have walked in, would he have told me about it? He said he didn't know. That itself, is the worst thing, because this would have been the 3 of them's deep dark dirty little secret while we continued to hang out with them. Knowing is a must in our case, because the only way this marriage has even the most remote possibility of working is the elimination of these friends. Even then, the hurt is all consuming!!
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Old 08-17-2011, 10:08 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Swimmer,

As a fellow betrayed spouse, I am sorry that you have become a member of the club nobody should ever be a member of.

May I suggest that instead of reviving dead threads that are most likely going to be ignored, why don't you start a new one which will get much more visibility and more input from forum members.

You have come to the right place to get the emotional support you need. You are not alone.
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