Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

View Poll Results: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?
Yes, it's the healthy way to handle it. 36 51.43%
No, they're better off not knowing. 15 21.43%
Depends on the severity, length or other factors involved in the A. 19 27.14%
Voters: 70. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 01-21-2010, 05:27 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Post Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Some posters on here have expressed that they wish they had never known about the A. What do you think? Should you confess it? How long afterwards is too long?

What is the best way to confess it? What's the best way to respond?

Tell me your opinions, experiences, scenarios, etc. Have at it.
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Last edited by Alexandra; 01-23-2010 at 11:44 AM.
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Old 01-21-2010, 05:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

It's all so subjective.

There was a poster here some time ago who discovered her husband's one night stand after 20 years. By her own account, 20 wonderful years. The discovery left her completely disillusioned.
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Old 01-21-2010, 06:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

and I don't blame her for being disillusioned.
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Old 01-21-2010, 06:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

boy this is a tough one,
I think each situation is different and each couple will handle the news differently.
I think if the infidelity was a one night stand and meant nothing to the husband/wife and they ackowledged themselves as a mistake and the marriage was good other than the one incident than maybe it's best not to know......
If it's an affair where there is feelings for the OW/OM then an confession is in oder, it's not fair to the spouse and it's best to hear the news from them instead of someone else, that way they will also have a choice on how to handle the situation.
I think every couple is different with this kind of situation, some will feel strongly about it, others won't ........some will be open and understanding, some will end the marriage.....
I think this kind of news changes how you trust and what you believe it also opens one's self to all kinds of questions of self doubt, one answer isn't right for everyone here
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Old 01-22-2010, 01:03 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

I've said it countless times and I'll say it again here:

I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!!!


It could be every year I don't care I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!

The way I see it it's all about realities and the reality is if I'm happy, life is good, all tangible factors say our marriage is great and I'm freaking happy, don't screw it up and tell me!!

Normally affairs will prevent this happy utopia type of marriage from happenning, but I'm in one now, and she could be doing whatever..........I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!


Some examples in life would be owning a previously wrecked or flooded car or a house with major termite damage or not built to code, but you would never know because there are no signs. If someone told you it would mess everything up and you would start to hate your car and house or "whatever".

If I'm happy and everything is great let me live in the dark and go do your thing........I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!!

Last edited by OhGeesh; 01-22-2010 at 01:07 AM.
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Old 01-22-2010, 08:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

If its not affecting the quality of the marriage, dont need to know. If its the elephant in the room, and infecting the relationship in even small ways (reduced or stopped loving gestures, lack of intimacy and sex etc) the spouse knows something has changed anyway... come clean and move on, either together or apart.
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Old 01-22-2010, 09:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

So if you don't want to know and later find out (from other sources); how do you respond? Personally while I don't want to know....I also don't want to feel like a fool when everyone else knows and/or the OW knows and thinks that they are "getting over" on me. It is never easy to deal with, but I think that it would be easier if my significant other came to me, told me and we discussed it rather than hearing it in the streets, approaching them and having them lie etc. until they are ready to confront the truths.
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Old 01-22-2010, 10:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

I honestly can say that I would confess, and that I would want my H to. He waited 18 months to tell me, and that about pushed me over the edge. I almost felt robbed, like I should have been told right then so I could decide what I wanted. Great he found that he wanted me, but maybe I wouldn't have wanted him, you know. We are working it out, but he also now realizes that us staying together should have been a choice we both make, not just him. That is just me though, I think everyone is really different when it comes to these things.
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Old 01-22-2010, 10:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Most times telling the spouse is just to salve your guilty conscious to make you feel better. So its really just about the cheaters emotional feelings really and not about wanting to enlighten the spouse.

If you're going to cheat, at least be a proper player, shut up about it and move on. If it blows up in the future, well that's the risk you were willing to take when you cheated anyway.

My hunch is the almost all cheaters that make a confession without the spouse trying to corner them into making one, come to regret it. Some marriages and families that would have continued on quite happily shatter when a one time drunken **** 12 years ago comes to light in a moment of weakness. In some cases telling is the most selfish and destructive cruelty.
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Old 01-22-2010, 10:47 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

I would most definitely want to be told. I do not know if I could forgive the action but I would try. In the event I found out on my own I don't even know what I would do.
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Old 01-22-2010, 11:18 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

To put me at a risk of an STD or worse and not tell me...no thanks. I would want to be respected enough to be told so I could decide where to go from there.
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Old 01-22-2010, 04:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

What kind of marriage do you have if you don't know the truth about each other? If you withhold painful secrets? How can you achieve a better marriage, if you dole out only what makes you look good? How can you ever feel safe with someone if you don't tell each other the truth?
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Old 01-22-2010, 04:41 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
It's all so subjective.

There was a poster here some time ago who discovered her husband's one night stand after 20 years. By her own account, 20 wonderful years. The discovery left her completely disillusioned.
On the other side of the coin, her husband will never forget it and it may eat at him. Can you imagine 20 years of holding that secret from someone you "love". I can't; sorry folks but I want to know so that I don't find out 20 years later and feel like my marriage has all been a lie. And what if you find out from someone else. Get it out in the open so you can live with a clean healthy conscience and be abel to honestly work on repairing your marriage.

I don't know about you guys but, if I had the one nighter, I don't think I could look at my W everyday in the face and not feel like I am betraying whatever trust we had in our marriage - and for 20 years eating away at me - no way. I don't see how you, as the cheater can be genuinely completely happy. In my opinion, come clean and deal with the fall out it's better than living a lie.
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Old 01-24-2010, 09:19 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
What kind of marriage do you have if you don't know the truth about each other? If you withhold painful secrets? How can you achieve a better marriage, if you dole out only what makes you look good? How can you ever feel safe with someone if you don't tell each other the truth?
I just told you didn't I? My life is freaking great!!

Date night, open, know each of our past lovers, have plans, share in each others dreams, sacrifice, raise kids, vacations, fun in the bedroom, hence I LOVE MY MARRIAGE!!

So, like I said, if she went on a trip and had a one night stand and still acted 95% the same. I DON'T WANT TO FREAKING KNOW!!

Understand or NO? My marriage, my choice, I don't want to know.
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Old 06-08-2010, 07:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should you confess a one-night stand to your spouse?

that is a tough one. What would you gain from telling him? What is the cost? Can you live with not telling him?

I think its better to be told than to find out. On one hand, Im not sure if it is better to know something that may have no significance to your life right now. On the other, by not telling him you are taking away his choices/rights.

My husband lied to me for years, he took away all my choices and now 2 kids later, things are complicated. But at the end of the day... when he finally asked me "do you really want to know the truth? It may change your life" and I said "yes, Id rather live in a painful reality than beautiful illusion, I rather the truth than a lie, no matter the cost ". I have reconsidered this decision many times, because what he told me changed my life forever and there is no going back to what was before.

In hindsight, though I needed to know though, because it was affecting everything. THe price of pain was worth the opportunity for change. But in your situation, I just cant see any opportunity for gain...

Im leaning towards... Live your lives together, be happy.... sometimes its true that what you dont know cant hurt you.
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